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Starting to get annoyed with BF's non-bio SS9 & BM forcing him to come over.

sammmx's picture

Submitted by sammmx on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 1:48pm

So BM's son was raised by BF and always has come on visitation with SS3. SS9 also lived with us for a little bit during the summer, and he is the reason SS3 does not live with us any longer. He told a bunch of lies about us to Children's Aid and his mother, etc. You can read my old blogs for more details.

Anyway, ever since SS9 went back to live with BM he has just been so.. frustrating. He only comes on visitation when he has nothing better to do, can't get away with faking sick, and BM forces him to. And you can tell he does NOT want to be here. He doesn't even call BF "Dad" anymore, he has started calling him by his first name. When he comes here, he instantly gets on the laptop or his iPod or his video games and totally ignores anyone around him. You can try and have a conversation with him, he will give you one word answers or just shrug/nod. It drives me insane. SS9's biological father has also recently begun to take an interest in his life again. He tends to float in and out as he pleases, never really making much of an effort to be a father. But in the past couple months he has seen his biological father atleast one weekend a month. So I don't know if that plays a role. I'm also wondering why BM forces SS9 here against his will. He's almost 10, he knows BF isn't his father. And he obviously doesn't like the way we run things in our house. BF still cares about SS9 and wants to be there for him, but SS9 is clearly uninterested. BM just wants her weekends free and needs someone to take SS9. He doesn't like us! We aren't his family. If he doesn't want to come here, he shouldn't have to. It isn't fair to him or to us.

Anyway, rant over.

Comments

oldone's picture

Submitted by oldone on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 1:50pm

If your DH still want to be there for him he should take him out to lunch or to the park on occasion. Weekend visits are too much for a kid that is not his.

sammmx's picture

Submitted by sammmx on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 2:21pm

I agree. The only time SS9 ever really wants to come here is when we're going out to do something special (amusement park, fair, Christmas, etc). If we're just hanging out at our house he acts like it's torture. I have suggested that perhaps the two of them let up on SS9. It's like they both desperately want him to actively have a mom and dad that he shares with SS3. But the kid isn't stupid, and the more they push it on him the more he pulls away. He definitely is more interested in his relationship with his bio dad. Let him work on that. He is welcome in our house whenever he wants, but don't force him to be here if he doesn't want to be. But of course, if I voiced that opinion BF would be all in denial "he wouldn't come if he didn't want to." ... Right.

sammmx's picture

Submitted by sammmx on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 2:24pm

Those are my exact thoughts. Especially since she's begging us to take them both pretty much every day. But I'm just the SM, who am I to question it. HAHA. *rolls eyes*

sammmx's picture

Submitted by sammmx on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 2:26pm

I'm getting to the point where I wish I could say that to BF. But I feel like he would be mad as he still thinks of SS9 as his bio child and would likely be offended if I brought it up. But I wish that is how things could go.

notagain2012's picture

Submitted by notagain2012 on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 2:45pm

Sorry to hear....it has to be frustrating. I agree, ss9 shouldn't be forced into a relationship with DH. And DH may not want to hear.it, but the reality is, he is not ss9 dad. It is what it is. Just like we aren't their "real moms" and skids can't be forced to like us.

It may be time for ss9 to reach out to his dad. It's not his fault BD is in consistent, but he's trying and if SS wants to explore that, then he should be allowed to. BM is forcing this kid to do what he doesn't want to because its a convience for her. Sure, if they had stayed married, it would be a novel idea for both skids to share the same mom and dad, but they don't. And pretending like they do, is not good. If she wanted that so badly, she should have had 2 kids by the same dad.

DH could maybe talk to ss9, and make himself "available" to him, but at the same time give the child the space and respect to pursue his relationship with his own dad. DH is going to have to let go a little bit. If not all together.

Skid has stopped calling him dad? Maybe he's old enough and smart enough to figure all this out and thinks its crap, that they tried to pretend he was dad. Really hard to gauge what he is thinking, but that's what I would be thinking in his position. I would also resent everyone for forcing me to go to fake dads, so mom can have her weekend, when I would really like to spend some time with my real dad.

Redsonya's picture

Submitted by Redsonya on Sat, 02/02/2013 - 3:45pm

I had the exact same situation with BM's nephew - DH and BM took the kid in and raised him because BM's sister was a drug addicted prostitute. I put up with it for about 2 years and finally just flat told BM and DH that DH can see the kid whenever he wants, but he will NOT be coming to my home. BM had a complete shit fit, but its not even an issue anymore. DH can concentrate on SS13 and I have my house back.