Is this normal in a "blended" family?
First of all, let me preface this by saying that I hate using the word "normal" since I don't think there is such a thing - and I hate using the term "blended family", because from what I've seen, again, I don't think there is such a thing. So I guess I'm just looking to hear from other people who have bios and step-kids and a spouse/partner that all live together.
We all moved in together about 6 months ago (we have 5 school aged children between us) but it still feels like we are a single mom living with her kids and a single dad living with his but all under the same roof. For example, when my youngest has basketball practice or games I am always the one that takes him. I can't complain that my husband doesn't do it, because I honestly don't even think to ask him. At the games each Sunday, my ex-husband goes to watch, so at the games it's usually me, my older son, and my ex.
Similarly, his oldest daughter is on the swim team. I don't even know when her practices are, I've never asked to go to a meet nor have I been invited. When husband goes, he usually asks me to watch his little two which is no problem since I have my own two anyway. The people who attend the swim meet are him and his ex-wife.
My husband and I usually talk about the sporting events after like "how was basketball? did they win?" but that's usually the extent of our getting involved.
I guess I'm not really complaining - I don't have any strong desire to go to his kids' events, nor to have him come to mine: it just strikes me as odd. I feel like we are doing this wrong and we're not really fostering a family environment. Ummmm... we usually take separate vacations with our kids too which sounds weird now that I type it but we've been together for 4 years and it's just the way it's always been. He is bringing his to Florida for April vacation and I am taking mine camping this summer.
I didn't take his last name when we married, we don't share our money (which I highly recommend!) - I don't know, it just feels like we're not really married kwim?
Am I totally bizarre or does anyone else have this kind of arrangement? Can it work long term or am I just fooling myself?
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You are probably where a lot
You are probably where a lot if SM's wish they were. Are you and your DH happy? Are the kids happy? If yes then your fine!
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I was just thinking, "Wow, I wish I wasn't expected to get involved with skids' stuff!!!"
My DH and I do that with
My DH and I do that with events our kids have. I RARELY go to his kid's sporting events, mostly because it's THE one night a week I don't already have to be somewhere. But quite honestly also because I don't feel like watching the BM put on a drama show for me, and the SK snubs me every time. My DH has attended some of my DS12's sporting events (same sport as his kid), but the majority of the time it's just me attending.
He doesn't attend my DD15's events, as they're usually in the evening when DH is working.
We do not share money. I did take his last name when we got married.
We do take all kids on vacation, but I've taken mine separately on a couple of occasions. In the earlier years, I wondered if doing that was really worth the heartache because it never failed ending up being the "three of us" vs the "three of them". Soon my SK's will be too old to want to go on vacation with us.
Sometimes I wonder if
Sometimes I wonder if anything is "normal" in life but instead we all make our own normal.
Imo, mind you this is just that, my opinion but I guess I wonder why you married?
Some of the things you do I understand because I suggest not combining the money but some of it seems like it is just a convenience to live together but not really share your life with each member of the household.
I guess like a fraternity house/dorm. You share the house but everyone does their own thing and no one is involved with each others life unless they want to be.
Some of the things you said makes it seem like you and your DH are still living single lives with your children.
I get that in some ways but in others I ask myself what would be the point. ????
Maybe put up a schedule for everyone to see. Maybe some night you can go with him to his stuff he can go with you to your kids game, etc. Or maybe take one of his with you at times or vice versa.
I guess I would try to make it more like a family and less uninvolved.
We married for the usual
We married for the usual reasons I guess - in love and all that
Our younger four are all involved with each other because they go to the same school, take the same bus, have the same recess, etc. In some ways, I think they've blended better than my husband I have! I think he and I just don't know how this whole thing is "supposed" to go since both of us come from parents who are still married to each other.
Also, when you're a single parent for as long as we both were (me for 5 years, him for 4) you kinda get used to doing it all on your own. We take our couples vacations alone - but we have our same patterns of where we go with our own kids.
I guess it kind of feels like when you have a big wedding and you have your childhood friends there, and your grown-up friends there, and your family there and it's just weird to see your different facets of life all together in one place. It's like - we got him and me as a couple figured out - we got him as a dad figured out - we got me as a mom figured out - but this new combination is just BIZARRE.
I know why you married it is
I know why you married it is simple, you love him and want to be with him. I think you are smart. It seems like you have managed to circumvent many of the issues people have on this site.
Why change it? If it works for you both, then it works.
I am marrying in May. We are going to the same thing. My daughter is grown, I go to see her went I want. She comes and stays with me. He has his kids, they have their time together. We do not now nor will we blend out finances.
I want to wake up every day with the man of my dreams. Currently we do not stay together when he has them, they go back to his place. This is by my choice and design. We are planning a future life together and we are currently building our lives together.
I have gone to a few of their games over the last 4yrs but I do not feel the need to.
I do it when I want. Just because I am marring him does not mean I am marrying his children, nor he mine. The relationship is between the two adults.
I am sure I will be like you, sometimes feeling single. But I don't' feel the need to play mom to children that are not mine. They have a mom and I am not her.
You look amazingly ahead of the curve to me. If you are happy with it, enjoy. I think that in most "step" worlds the people involved still feel single or feel like they manage things on their own, it is a bi product of a not "normal" world.
Actually your way of life is
Actually your way of life is how I WANT it to be, but SO is the one pushing for me to be more involved with "his" family. He wants me to come to games and such. I back off when it involves his kids, I dont know if I would have if they hadnt been so vile. But I think you are doing it the way it should be. I wish I would have from the start and then they wouldnt have noticed when I stopped.
Honestly...you sound like me
Honestly...you sound like me and DH almost to a tee. Ours are older now, but it worked for us and everyone was happy.
I think relationships evolve
I think relationships evolve according to the length of time and the idea of what a blended family is like for each person.
When my DH and I first moved in together we lived that separate life, because we were both single parents for so long. It took some time before we felt more comfortable with things blending the way they are now.
Why not invite him to one of your kids' events and see how he reacts?
If you all are happy I guess
If you all are happy I guess it's ok. It did strike me as a little sad that you all don't seem to do much as a family. Dh and I spend a lot of time together watching the kids do their various things. We are there for the kids but also ends up being good qualityntime together.
Also the whole vacation thing-why not try to plan a trip with all of you- someplace none of you have ever been so that you can begin to establish some traditions for your new family
you can begin to establish
you can begin to establish some traditions for your new family
^^^ I like this!
We tried that last year. And
We tried that last year. And NEVER AGAIN.
SD12 made my vacation a nightmare. She ruined it so badly that I will NEVER let her go anywhere with us again and if DH insists, he can go BY HIMSELF with HIS kids and I'll go somewhere else with mine. UUgghhhh....
DH and I have 5 "kids"
DH and I have 5 "kids" between us. I have 3 sons, 27, 24 and 15. He has 2, 20 and 12.
My 2 older ones don't live with us anymore.
SD lives with BM. We get her EOW.
So in our home there are only SS20 and BS15.
BS15 plays football. DH has never missed a football game in 5 years. ExH has been to 3 in the last 5 years.
SS20 plays basketball for fun. When he played Rec for the town, I went to a few games. BM has been to ZERO.
DH picks up BS15 from practice a few times a week and so does SS20. They both get home before I do so it is the most logical thing.
We go to dinner together as a family. Holidays are spent with MY family because DHs family is not in our lives. (They spend Holidays with BM)
Even so, it isn't always peachy. As I'm sure no family is. There are times when the separation line is much clearer. When it's time to plan vacations for example, things get touchy.
When it comes time for paying for things for my kid vs Skids, things get touchy.
There is no normal when it comes to these marriages, we kinda just go with the flow and what happens happens.
I would second that: there is
I would second that: there is no "normal". The norm a wide berth and we all fall somewhere along the continuum. Here is a good take on that from W. Martin who suggests we get rid of expectations and not allow ourselves to feel like failures if we are not perfectly blended:
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stepmonster/201301/new-year-surprisi...
I think kids' athletic events are a great way to bond though. My DH and I both go to my boys' games ( believe me, basketball is not my thing at all, and even soccer is kinda monotonous after a while) because it matters to them and they can be fun to watch once in a blue moon. My ex never comes. At times my DH goes even if i can not. We used to go to his daughter's events but were never really invited, he just volunteered and since she was not encouraging that it had stopped. The BM cannot tolerate to be in the same room with DH so the YSD must have been trying to please the BM by disinviting her dad.
We spent Thanksgiving without anyone's kids this year ( just because my SKs were so horrible last year, i said, never again) in another state, with my DH's extended family. It was fabulous. We spend vacations together, mostly with my kids or by ourselves. My family is very welcoming to DH. So essentially, we are blended one way, or we have integrated him into our routines. His kids remain distant. That's fine for now. I feel that we finction well as a family.
I think the sporting event
I think the sporting event thing is fine. I hate going to SS11's sporting events so if I can stay home its a real treat. I do think the seperate vacations are a little different. I would think that if you're married than the two of you would plan family vacations together. Do the kids not get along?
The kids have known each
The kids have known each other for so long now that they get along like siblings do (i.e. lots of fighting). We did bring the younger four away together once and it was nice. I guess we should get back to that.
I think my family is kind of
I think my family is kind of the opposite, but when it comes to my ss I am the mom. The incubator can't be counted on for anything. We function a lot more "traditionally", in that I usually am the one who does the kid shuffle for all 3- practices, teams, friends, etc. Husband is at the games and the "important" stuff. We just blended instantly once we had moved in together. I think that I really wouldn't have it any other way though. SS gives me hell 90% of the time, but he's mine now. I love him and am involved in his life.
I totally agree with you about finances though- we were both so royally screwed financially by our 1st spouses that I don't think we will ever combine!
I don't have children so this
I don't have children so this is a slanted view - but the idea of going to a kid's sporting events sounds about as appealing as going to get a root canal. And I love sports - but just not the kiddie stuff. BORING.
I am older. Parents had a bunch of kids back then and only went to see stuff on occassion. My parents didn't even come to my college graduations. Well they came a day later to pick me up.
Now I did go watch some high school football games back when the Manning boys were playing in high school. But I am not related to them.