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SD = mother is deceased

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Tue, 12/18/2012 - 9:40am

This is my first blog.

My stepdaughter (25 and married) sent her dad an email in October that she wanted to stay away from the family for awhile. DH has 3 adult kids - 2 from first marriage which ended in divorce and this one(2nd marriage)whose mother died when she 14. So, now he invites her& Hubby Christmas eve and she does not respond. It is eating him up. To make a long story short; the last 6 plus years have been hell..she has caused much heart ache and tension in the family. I have 3 adult kids of my own. Hubby is so distraught. He cannot seem to let her go. I am feeling like why is he so irrational when it comes to sd? His oldest daughter and son love him and are a big part of our lives. So are my kids. He says because her mother died. I am thinkng perhaps he feels if he looses his connection with sd he looses connection to his dead wife. Or am I really loosing it myself? Help

Comments

Anon2009's picture

Submitted by Anon2009 on Tue, 12/18/2012 - 10:08am

I think he doesn't want her to lose another parent. He has also lost her mom. He doesn't want to lose his daughter too, even if she will continue to physically exist. Losing a child in any way has to be a parent's worst nightmare.

Talk to others here about disengagement from your SD. It can be great.

Krispey Kreme's picture

Submitted by Krispey Kreme on Tue, 12/18/2012 - 10:15am

The more some people are rejected, the more they try to keep the relationship going instead of letting it be. It sounds like your SD25 likes to reject and kick people and your DH likes to kiss her ass and be kicked in the teeth. Maybe he feels guilty for some reason (real or imagined) and feels like he has to keep trying, even if he is clearly being snubbed and rejected. It's kind of a disfunctional obsessive-compulsive kind of relationship? He can't make her want to be around him and it sounds like her being gone is a good thing.

You can't really do anything to help someone who is bent on playing this kind of game. Disengage to protect yourself, you can't help him if he won't listen to you, he has to learn this lesson on his own (the hard way). I feel sorry for the other kids. Apparently they aren't dramatic enough to earn his attention. Maybe they should treat him like crap so he'll notice them.

WickednNasty's picture

Submitted by WickednNasty on Tue, 12/18/2012 - 12:31pm

I think he may have guilt issues. She probably didn't approve of you and your marriage to Dh. Theres a loyalty to her Bm, but everyone is entitled to be happy and your husband doesn't need his childs approval. I don't really know, just assumptions on my part. The email was a cry for attention in my opinion.

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Thu, 12/20/2012 - 4:53am

Thanks for the welcome. And thanks for all the comments. I have been practicing disengaging.

Keepsmiling's picture

Submitted by Keepsmiling on Thu, 04/11/2013 - 9:10am

Update
It is now April and dh still has not heard from sd. It is about a year since he saw her last. I reread the responses again. One response really struck me perhaps it was a bid for attention. It has always been a bid for attention with sd. I really don't take it personal that she doesn't like me and didn't want him to marry me. She didn't want him to marry anyone. After reading a lot of the blogs here, I think she is being pas by her maternal grandparents. My dh always made excuses for her, her mom died, she feels she doesn't belong, she doesn't know any better. What opened my eyes was he made the same excuses for sd's dh. The way he was raised, he's young, blah blah blah. Just recently I discovered sd and her dh unfriended me on facebook. lol The interesting part she did not unfriend her father. lol So who do you think she blames? Me of course. I also know unconditional love - I have 3 adult children. Ok enough for today. I am letting it out little by little.