You described some of SS7's behaviour. We are 50-50 and like you, BM seems to have way more issues than we have. The meltdowns at the school finally with constant complaints by the teacher got him into therapy which consisted of a 1 hour session for SS one time and 4 one hour sessions for BM and DH together and was told ADHD.

BM and DH said no to the medication, therapist said ok fine here are 5 things to do at home. BM has done nothing, DH has done 1 thing - they think he is cured yet the teacher is still complaining.....

I will be interested to see what other posters say about this.

I do not like being alone with SS7 - I don't know how to deal with this behaviour - recently one night DH worked late so the kids had to go to bed before he got home, SS7 sobbed for hours over it - nothing I could say could resolve it I literally had no freaking clue what else to do and was angry with DH for putting us both in the situation.

I am frustrated on behalf of SS7 and angry that both parents just feed the problem and choose to do nothing for him.

Wow, I'm so sorry you all are going through that. I can imagine how frustrating this must be!

Has the kid been tested for mental issues? Like the poster above me stated, ADHD perhaps? This, to me, sounds exactly like you said it could be - control. And if his fits/tantrums are reinforced by BM or DH giving in, well then he has no reason to stop throwing them!

My first suggestion would be to sit DH down and have a serious discussion about his child's outbursts. He's violent and needs to have this brought under control somehow, whether it be through therapy, medicine or a combination. He's only going to get worse and will be stronger and inflict more damage the bigger he gets!

Then I'd have him tested for various mental issues and seek the advice of a therapist or qualified mental health professional based on the results.

Good luck with this. I am definitely not envious of your position!

If his tantrums are REINFORCING the behavior, U know, in the end he wins, it won't ever stop. i have this same argument with my new hubby over his kid. i say no to something, kid goes to daddy, who has daddy guilt over the kid having a deadbeat, absent biomom, and gives in and the kid gets what he wants. Bad enough i lost it in therapy and this week hubby has to ATTEND WITH ME so the therapist can try to get him to understand that if he wants me to co parent this kid, he has to have my back. Good luck!! Also, yes, he needs a psych eval, sounds like he may need an emotional support classroom.

What did you decide about your job offer?

its because hes in control. kids are very manipulative by nature. they dont think about it... its instinct. this kid knows if he kicks and screams ans spits he can get his way. stay strong snd do not give it any attention! youre the boss not him and you shouldnt let a child dictate how long it takes you to drop him off at school.

Wow, I am not in your situation and it would be difficult. Has anyone tried spanking? Simply not giving in? Time outs? Telling him no? It sounds like he is getting rewarded for his behaviour. I do not think this sounds like ADHD. This sounds like a stubborn child who is manipulating his parents and every adult around him. The teachers aren't complaining, so he can control it, it is not a mental issue. Why would any parent think is ok to take a child to work, especially if he act like this? Apparently he doesn't always which means he can control it. Again an indication that he doesn't need medicine, he need firm, consistent discipline and structure. In every scenario he got exactly what he wanted. Attention. Negative, positive, he doesn't care. I would let him scream, cry, kick, and act a fool. If he ran out of the house that would result in a spanking. He is risking his life with his fits, I would rather him have a red fanny than be dead. Drastic behavior calls for drastic measures. Best book and class I ever read and attended was Love and Logic. I would like to suggest that book to you. I'm sorry if I seem harsh, but I feel like you have a sincere issue on your hands and you are really looking for advice.

My ss's did the same thing - violent tantrums that went on for hours when they couldn't get their own way. The only way to stop it is not to give in to them, ever. This kid is using these tantrums as a way of controlling his parents and they're allowing him to do it. He will not stop doing it while they keep giving in and letting him get his own way. Don't want to go to school? Tough luck, you're going. Don't want to go with mum/dad? Tough luck, you're going. However loud, embarrassing and inconvenient these tantrums are, his parents need to start dealing with it properly and not letting him get away with it.

When my ss's started with their tantrums dh put them in their room and told them calmly but firmly to stop. He would walk away and leave them to scream - if they're not getting an audience there's not much point carrying on. If they tried to come out of their room to scream on the landing, he would calmly take them back to their room without speaking to them or even making eye contact, so they weren't getting the required attention, as kids having tantrums is an extreme way of attention seeking and the longer you try to discuss/negotiate/comfort them the more they'll milk it. DH would take things away the longer the tantrum went on - first a favourite toy, then another and so on. We had reward charts which dh filled in with them every day with the understanding that a full week of good marks would earn them a treat at the weekend so they had something to work towards. If they misbehaved the treat was cancelled without exception and they were told why. They also lost their tv/computer privileges and their things for a few days until they earned them back with good behaviour. It worked, as they learnt that no meant no whether they had a tantrum or not, they'd still have to do/not do the thing they'd had a tantrum about in the first place and they'd earn a punishment as well. We did give them attention and praised and encouraged good behaviour without going overboard so they knew that it was in there interests to behave themselves. It is more difficult when you're in public but we have dealt with tantrums while out and have simply put them straight in the car and taken them home having a massive hissy fit in the back seat, and they've been sent straight to their room when we got home.

Having tantrums at school is a bit more tricky. Dh had this when ss's first started school and he just calmly told them he was going, they were staying at school and then walked away. Within a couple of minutes they had calmed down as they realised they were not getting to go home with dh and the staff were able to distract them quite easily after leaving them in a safe place on their own for a few minutes to calm down. I don't know if this would work with your ss, but it would be worth his parents having a talk with the staff to see how they can deal with it together without giving in to ss. The suggestion of counselling/therapy is a good one as ss may have anger issues which need dealing with.

This sounds overly simple.. But do you try talking to him? Like getting on his level and calmly talking to him about why he is so upset? My stepson is 6, has anger issues, and ADHD. But his behavior is totally different in each house. Here he is much calmer, kinder, and less angry. And according to the therapist he's a completely different child at his BM's house. She seems to believe it's because we talk to SS6 and work through his problems with him.

For example: Like all boys he hates cleaning his room. A couple months ago I sent him to clean his room, I told him he couldn't play at his friends house till it was done. He proceeded to have a complete melt down. Slamming doors, screaming how unfair it was, throwing things in his room, hyper ventilating. I just left him in his room for awhile.

Eventually he calmed down a little. I asked him if he had a "good cause" or a "bad cause"? (buddhist teachings) He hung his head in shame he said it was "bad cause" so he had "bad effect". We talked for a little while about how he could turn it into a "good cause". He apologized, gave me a huge hug, made me a card, and cleaned his room.

Now the same thing happened at his BM's house recently. He was told to clean his room and he had a total melt down but instead of calmly dealing with him, BM proceeded to scream back at him, physically punish him, and leave him in his room. SS6 in the end felt angry, hurt, lonely, and didn't clean his room at all.

I realize your situation is very different seeing as your SS has grown adults giving into his every whim so long has he cries hard enough, long enough... But most problems with small children can be cured with understanding, and we can't understand if we don't talk to them. It worked for me anyway!

First step is to stop giving in to his tantrums. Never. Not once.