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Step son lives at home with no job

Unsetteled's picture

Submitted by Unsetteled on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 4:59pm

I am a step mom of a 19 year old step son who still lives at home with no job and does not attend school. My husband, his father, pays for all of his things and has no intent on making him get a job. My step son will not eat the food we have in our home, he always wants his dad to stop and get him food or asks his dad to take him to get food. I have explained to my husband that he is creating a biggier problem. My husband feels it is ok for his son to still be living with us until he is 30 or 35 with no job. I have a huge issue with this whole situation and it is causing issues with our marriage. We have only been married for 2 1/2 years. My step son had to move in with us because him and his mother had an altercation and he punched holes in the walls and in the garage door. She called the police and got a protection order against him so, he is no longer allowed to live with her or go near her home. My husband said that my step son wants nothing to do with me and believe me, that is fine. However, I am not allowed to say anything to my step son because my husband is afraid he will get mad and leave our home and he will never see him again. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own home!!!!!!! I came home today from being at the hospital with my family and he was laying on our couch with some girl. I was so mad, and I was not able to say anything to him! I am at the point where I feel like I have no say in my own home and that my husband does not care how things make me feel. He is ruining our marriage and I have tried to explain this to him and he says that it is all my fault! Does anyone have an advice for me or is it just me being evil? Thanks!!!!!

Comments

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 7:28pm

What I have noticed is the step parent is the buffer in these situations. You vent your anger at the situation and at some level he agrees with you. So you become his angry side and he stays on the good guy side.

If you move away to your own apartment your DH is left with the scathing truth, his son is a deadbeat.

So I would move out and leave the manchild with his father without you to be the buffer. Tell your DH that you cannot live like this and you are giving yourselves a 4 month break. Still married. Still faithful. He is welcome to visit but he cannot stay the night. And in 4 months you can both re-evaluate the situation.

He will be angry with you at first but the more he has to deal directly with his son the more he is fcing reality. And if in 4 months he still has his son lounging on his sofa then you know that the situation will not change.

Just make sure you are financially separated from your DH during this 'sabbatical'.

buttercookie's picture

Submitted by buttercookie on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 7:41pm

What you wrote was my story a few years ago. Told my husband his kid goes or he goes with his kid. I explained to my husband he wasn't helping his kid grow up and I wasn't going to live in fear. My husband had enough and forced his kid out. His kid was warned to get a job and wouldn't, he got the one he has now 2 days after he was booted.

overitall's picture

Submitted by overitall on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 7:48pm

How does your DH expect your son to just get a job and support himself at 30-35 years old? Without experience, both in the job force and financially, he will fail. Does DH say anything about this?

New second wife-step-mom's picture

Submitted by New second wife... on Tue, 04/17/2012 - 12:03pm

Unsettled, I am curious did your DH tell you that "you are evil" because you won't agree with his decisions with SS? Or maybe because you are "nagging" at him about SS. My SS is 16 and DH refuses to make SS have any responsibilities and will try to get me to make SS something he wants to eat for every meal. DH has tried to tell me that I am "evil" because I won't agree with the way he is raising SS and I state my opinion on how it is ridiculous to treat a 16 yo that way. We have only been married about 2.5 years too. Of course, your DH blames you, because he is too lazy and irresponsible to be a parent to his son. That is what I told my DH. My advice is to stand your ground - tell your DH that he is evil, a lazy and irresponsible parent and don't let him make you feel quilty. When SS is gone start throwing away his stuff, cigs, drugs (don't let DH know), and confront both SS and girlfriend whether DH likes it or not. I made up my mind this weekend there is some things that I will not put up with, draw the line, and make a stand with DH and SS. Start saving a reserve fund. DH may kick you out but who cares? Do you really want to live like that if things don't change?

love_tarnished's picture

Submitted by love_tarnished on Thu, 07/12/2012 - 7:41pm

Sorry, but Get Out Now! It won't get any better and the love you had for your husband will slowly die out of lack of respect for him. He will never grow any &*%$ and he will always be afraid his son won't like him if he actually decided to start being a parent and not a friend. Best of luck --

shoemakertrish's picture

Submitted by shoemakertrish on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 11:55am

I'm reading a book on this, and the author recommends setting clear timelines for eventually moving out. I had no idea this was so common, my son returned after 2nd year in college. Been back 18 months now but we're now working a calendared plan.

You are right, a change needs to be made. What kind of life could he have like that, or you for that matter. Best of luck. Here's the book BTW

How To Help Your Grown Children Move Out: Ettie's Guide To De-Nesting

http://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Grown-Children-ebook/dp/B00AERA964/ref=s...