"Principles of Governance" for all couples
Hi all, sometimes Rags will post something he read that's usually super helpful. I'm reading a book on relationships called, "In Each Other's Care". It gave the words of what I want in my relationship with dh, and also made it starkly clear why I've felt so hurt and angry. Do you all agree with these principles?
According to the author, these should be core principles in couples that are non-negotiable (I am not including all of them, just the ones relevant to step life):
"1. We have each other's backs at all times, without exception.
2. We make all decision that would affect each other together by getting each other fully on board before acting.
3. We protect each other's interests in public and private at all times.
4. We consider our own interests, concerns and troubles as we consider the other's interests, concerns, and troubles, and we do so simultaneously.
5. Together we lead each other and everyone in our care."
By violating any of these, a couple's interdependency and the energy they cultivate together is thrown off balance and trust is affected which impacts the entire family system. It's so important to protect the respect, trust, and interdependency within a couple. I feel that my dh and I do practice these princples EXCEPT when it comes to SS. In the past and somewhat in the present, dh regularly allows SS to stomp on some of these. In reading this book, I'm realizing that for the sake of the health of our marriage, I have to insist that dh never allow SS to be a mini-wife, to try and drive the narrative, to excuse mistreatment of me because of some emotion SS is experiencing. DH can support and help SS with all of his needs, but never at the cost of my interests and well being. I'm going to be very firm about that. I am especially over it given that SS is 19 yo.
I think a lot of you already do this, but I have to make a strong effort to define my needs and enforce them because I have trouble with standing up for myself.
1. We have each other's backs
1. We have each other's backs at all times, without exception.
.. this one.. kindof. I do think that couples should support each other publicly for sure.. as in presenting a united front. But, I think there is room to discuss things we may not agree with that our partners do or think "behind closed doors".. This also can't include standing by and allowing our partners to do or say things that are totally unacceptable (being racist.. being abusive to someone). I would say though.. maybe we shouldn't be partners who do things that are unacceptable though??
2. We make all decision that would affect each other together by getting each other fully on board before acting.
I would say that this may not always be totally realistic.. and that we should try to do this.. but there will be times we have to make choices in the moment and don't have time for a powow.. of course.. these shouldn't be completely life altering changes like moving accross the country.. but sometimes we have to act.. and try to do it in everyone's best interest without having the ability to discuss with our partners.
3. We protect each other's interests in public and private at all times.
We should be acting as if our partner's best interests.. are our best interests.. but again.. behind closed doors.. we can have discussion where we disagree.. we aren't clones.
4. We consider our own interests, concerns and troubles as we consider the other's interests, concerns, and troubles, and we do so simultaneously.
Yes.. as part of a partnership.. everyone has their own interests and concerns.. but in a good partnership.. people are keeping their partner's in mind as well as their own.. sometimes one may outweigh the other.. sometimes we don't get our way all the time.. it's ok.. but if both parties are working to make the other's life good.. then everyone should feel like they are in a jointly valued relationship.
5. Together we lead each other and everyone in our care.
Disagree a bit on this.. I think this means we don't disengage.. when sometimes in steplife that is life saving.