My question is about whether the gift I'm about to describe is appropriate and whether in general, SS's approach to gift-giving is too extravagant and should be deterred. This Xmas, my dh and I decided to not waste money on gifts we don't need, and instead use the money to go out for a nice dinner. We have been giving the kids cash the last two years, and also some small gifts. I guess dh told 19 yo SS about our plans because SS decided that he would also give his dad the gift of taking him out to dinner. SS also got my BS and me a small gift of about $10 each, and his dad a gift that costs like $30-$50. SS seems to actually enjoy shopping for Xmas gifts. He's very materialistic, and seems to take pride in picking out nice objects. SS has a minimum wage PT job while attending college, and pretty much spends every penny of it, and then some (I've posted several times about how SS steals money from DH). SS has literally $0 in savings. He's had his current job since September, and probably earns about $800-$1000 a month. In a way, I'm impressed that SS did have enough money to buy this years' gifts, but in another way, it's a part of his impulsive need to shop and spend. My BS saves most of his money and has several thousands in savings, but even then, I discourage my BS from getting me expensive gifts which he's more than happy to oblige.

Up until last year, SS never got me a Xmas gift, and never gets me birthday gifts. Last year, SS got me 2 nice Xmas gifts which surprised me. I strongly believe they were intended for his GF, but they broke up before they could exchange gifts. SS got his dad a $150 pair of sneakers last Xmas and a few other items. DH and I both blaked at the notion that an 18 yo would spend so much money, but DH thought it was a nice gesture and accepted it without heistation. I'm totally okay with not getting gifts, and honestly prefer something small rather than getting an expensive gift from a college student who should be saving his money.

If and when the time comes and SS tries to take his dad out for his gift dinner, do I just graciously wish them 'bon appetit'? Maybe under different circumstances, I wouldn't give it a second thought. I actually go out to lunch once a week with BS without DH, and so do DH and SS when I'm at work. It's just that SS has resented my presence so much and has tried so hard over the years to get DH to ditch me to spend time with him, devising plans and activities that would force DH's hands. Even leading up to Xmas, SS came out of his room several times to loudly ask DH what he wanted for Xmas in front of me. DH told me I was being paranoid, but it seemed a little too ostentatious to be a simple case of benign neglect.

I also suspect that this "gift" is just a ruse to get a free dinner. I think there's a good chance that SS will turn the tables on DH and suddenly find himself broke, causing his dad to pay for the "gift" dinner. That would be something he does, and in any case, SS tries every which way to get restaurant food instead of a home cooked meal. He has take-out  or delivery for almost 100% of his meals when he's with us these days. Dh and SS have this understanding that dad is responsible for feeding him while on his watch, so every meal is on DH even when SS is out with his friends. But many of his friends are away at college. The last several Saturdays, SS has declined our home cooked dinners because he's "going out with his friends". He'll leave the house at 7:00, eat his restaurant meal paid for by dad, return at 7:45, and declare that it was a short outing. I'm suspicious because on one such occasion, it was with a friend who was visiting from college out of state. So you haven't seen this friend in 3 months, but you guys only got together for 45 minutes, including the time it took for you to bike there? SS also devises other ways to get his dad to get him delivery or take out ('dad', you have never had pizza like this before. You have to try it.' 'Dad, I'm going to go out to get myself a sandwhich. You want one? (If dad says yes, dad pays for the whole thing, or if no, SS wil reluctantly take something from the fridge)). I think eating at home, sharing meals, helping with clean up, etc. is good for kids. But I guess at 19, the benefits of that have gone?

Sorry for the long post. I thought surely my question this time would be short and sweet, but I get to venting and detailing my grievances, and it becomes too long very quickly. So thank you for "listening" and if possible answering my question.