Nope. ETA let him handle it. The grandskids won't die if they don't get a present. 

Another vote for No. His circus, his monkeys. You have left the circus. 

I'm a bit on the fence... I kind of do agree with there is nothing good for you by getting involved.. but I also do think he should clearly understand that you expect he will pick up wherever he wants to.. and perhaps a "handoff" document that might give him important dates.. addresses (however you used to deal with it)  In partnerships we do all tend to pick up our roles.. women often get saddled with social calendar issues.. if you want him to take over.. he has to know where teh calendar is.

Your DH is very aware now about the issues of gifts with HIS grands. My DH has grands which I was shunned from. The ONLY thing I remind him of each year is to get his Christmas gifts picked/shipped early to be there for the big day. Any other gift giving or card sending days, that's on HIM to remember. 

Are PASed out but I used to do all the gift giving and buying.   All my money went toward the gifts as well.  They would occasionally thank Chef but never me.  To this day I do all the gift buying and Chef has no idea what the gifts are.

The less you do the better!

It's his kids and GK.  It's his responsibility to remember birthdays.  And do what ever not yours 

It's his kids and GK.  It's his responsibility to remember birthdays.  And do what ever not yours 

Short answer: No! Hell! No!

Long answer: You’re joking, right? Tell me you’re joking.

Not five years. Not ten. But twenty.

Twenty years of bending over, letting them take free swings at your backside like you were some kind of human piñata—except instead of candy, all that fell out was your time, your money, and your dignity.

And what did you get for your trouble?

Nothing.

Not a thank you. Not a card. Not even a half-assed, misspelled text message saying, thx lol.

Twenty years of sending birthday cards, sending gifts, being the kind of thoughtful, decent human being these people clearly didn’t deserve—only to realize you’d been yelling into the void the whole damn time.

Or did you?

And when you finally stopped? When the gift and money train pulled into the station for the last time?

Ohhh, that’s when all hell broke loose.

BM and oldest SD blowing up DH’s phone, texting, calling, cussing him out like he owed them rent.

Does this tell you what kinds of people you are dealing with?

Because, apparently, in their world, basic decency wasn’t a two-way street—it was a damn toll road, and you were the one expected to keep throwing in quarters.

The entitlement? Off the charts.

The grandiosity? Enough to make a Roman emperor blush.

And the absolute audacity?

Priceless.

What got me was you had to write this post and ask us all what you should do. That takes the cake.

I personally think that if you still don’t know, then maybe—just maybe—you need to go back, pull your pants down, and bend over one more time.

Because clearly, you haven’t been abused ENOUGH to realize:

1.) That you are in a toxic-ass, one-sided relationship with these people.
2.) That after not once, not twice, but MULTIPLE TIMES over the course of twenty years, they have shown you exactly who they are.
3.) That their consistent, repeated, in-your-face mistreatment of you wasn’t enough to finally make a wise decision.

If that didn’t hammer it into your skull, then hell—maybe they should just send you an engraved invitation that says:

"Congratulations! You’re officially our doormat! Keep standing by, because we’ll be wiping our feet on you indefinitely!"

I think you’ve got a problem—and not just with the toxic people in your life.

You need therapy to figure out:

a) Why the hell you can’t keep a boundary to save your sanity.

b) Why, when you finally do set a damn boundary with these unhealthy, ungrateful people, you feel guilty about it.

Because let’s be real—that’s not normal.

That’s conditioning.

That’s years of being the nice one, the giving one, the one who keeps bending over and practically begging toxic people to hurt you—like some kind of self-sacrificing, masochistic punching bag.

And for what?

To people who’ve shown you, repeatedly, that they do. Not. Care.

You need help, not because you’re weak, but because you’ve been trained to feel bad for choosing yourself.

And that?

That’s the real problem.

But here’s the thing—this isn’t some twisted game of emotional whack-a-mole where your job is to keep popping back up, pretending you didn’t just get smacked down.

You don’t owe them anything.

And the sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop playing the part they’ve written for you—and start writing your own damn story.

Good Luck!

You could load his phone with the info but there's the burden of doing his emotion lifting.  How are men supposed to learn anything if we help them out, even in little ways?    This is HIS family.  If he cares so much let him deal with his lack of effort.  If the skids come at you, point out all you did , the lack of response and that you dumped it all on their father from now on.  

I'm with ESMOD on this one. The question is, are you reminding your DH for the sake of the SKs/SGKs, or for the sake of DH? My DH is terrible with dates and has a terrible memory in general. So when sitiations like this come up I ask myself "would I remind him if it was anyone else?". If the answer is yes, I remind him. My DH is no-contact with most of his family but there are neices and nephews who are innocent bystanders in all of this and who adored him. I don't care one way or another if those kids hear from him, and I don't reach out to them myself, but I do remind DH when their birthdays come up because it's important to him. As ESMOD said, the reminding of important dates is a role I've taken on in our relationship and I think if I'm purposefully not doing it when it comes to certain people, I'm still engaging in the drama, albeit passive aggressively. 

When someone has repeatedly abused you, neglected you, and put stress and strain on your marriage—as your skids have—then guess what?

These people aren’t for you. They are your enemies.

You have a responsibility to yourself and your marriage to stop these creatures from continuing to hurt you and yours.

Consider it self-defense.

In war, if your enemy is doing everything in their power to hurt you, would you hesitate because you were worried about their fee-fees?

Would you stop mid-battle and think, Oh no, I hope this doesn’t bruise their ego?

Hell no.

If you were in the middle of a war (with toxic skids and their cult-leader, it feels this way)  and some addle-brained, clueless bystander (your DH) wandered right into the line of fire, wants you to suddenly drop your shield, lower your weapon, and help him and by helping him you let yourself get attacked—all because that fool, who clearly has his own agenda, wants you to “play nice” with the very people trying to destroy you?

Again, hell no.

These DHs have their own motives. Their own survival tactics. And most of the time?

They’re not looking out for us, the stepmothers. The have their eye on the prize – their first failed family and its cult member additions, gskids.

They want peace at any cost—even if that cost is your well-being, your sanity, and your dignity. They want our help in kissing the very asses of our enemies. They will sacrifice you on the altar of their first failed family. And expect you to smile while they are doing it.

So if you're waiting for DH to have your back in this war?

You might be waiting forever.

Bottom of Form

Hell no.

And your skids? They’ve shown you, over and over again, who they are. Isn’t 20 YEARS long enough to see?

At best, they want nothing to do with you.

At worst, they want you gone.

So why are you still putting yourself in the line of fire?

Disengage. Completely

And if someone advises you that "Well, if your DH was sending Joe-Blow off the street a birthday gift and card, you wouldn’t care, right?"—you need to stop and think.

Ask yourself this:

Is Joe-Blow off the street actively or passive-aggressively attacking me and my marriage?

No?

Then guess what—that comparison is garbage.

When listening to advice, you’ve got to play the Sesame Street game—

"Which of these things is not like the other?"

Joe-Blow off the street is not your marriage’s enemy.

But skids who stir drama, create division, and undermine your marriage at every turn?

They are.

Hence, the answer to the question, REGARDING THEM, should I help my DH cater to the enemies of my marriage?

The answer is Hell no!

And as for DH?

He’s divorced from BM. The skids have sided with BM against both of you. That’s not your problem to fix.

So don’t put up with any of DH’s willful helplessness.

If he can’t remember who was born when, if he can’t send out his little blackmail money and guilt payments—oops, I mean birthday gifts—then guess what?

It’s not your job.

Its not your job to help him remember the people that want you and your marriage – dead!