Missed the party
Will try to make this short. I am out of town. DH got an invite to go to SD's house for a birthday dinner for one of the grandkids. Invited we're DH, his toxic ex, her DH and her entire family. DH decided not to go. He has many valid reasons but mostly he just didn't want to be around the ex and her family. He decided that we would instead take the birthday child out for a fun day when I return.
What unfolded is really beyond belief, well for them not really, the ex and the oldest SD were calling and texting him in the middle of the night, calling him all kinds of names etc. for not going to the dinner.
My response was, they have controlled you and manipulated you for over 20 years. You only get to see your children and grandchildren on thier terms, you are so worried about keeping the peace and upsetting them.
So here he is, not sure how he is going to handle this one but he is pretty upset.
I think some of this also has to do with me telling DH at the end of last year that I would no longer be spending my money or my time on them and I haven't. It's actually freeing. Cards and gifts are on him now and look how that is working out.
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Well done both of you for
Well done both of you for putting yourselves first, and to your DH for refusing to be manipulated. I would advise that whatever response he makes to the nasty messages, to not sink to their level, but to keep any responses short and cool and refuse to get drawn into drama.
Good for you for disengaging
Good for you for disengaging and shame on them for their baboon-like behavior (sorry, actual baboons, I know you're better than this).
"Not sure how to handle this" suggestion: A text message back, "I'm not tolerating this kind of behavior. If you have something to discuss with me, you may call me and we will discuss like adults." And I hope to God he does not give them an excuse as to why he wasn't there.
If it keeps up, block them.
Growing pains.. can be
Growing pains.. can be painful. He is experiencing the consequences of past actions... and the skid is trying to bully him into complying.
Your stepping back has forced him to be proactive.. and to develop a bit of a spine.
He needs to send the consistant message that.
1. I love you and my grandkids.
2. I am not going to participate in joint events with my ex and her family with the only exceptions to potentially be weddings of my grandchildren, funerals of immediate, shared relations or large public awards ceremonies like graduations where we will not be inclined to sit as a block with them either.
3. I will be celebrating my grandkids in my own way and on my own time with traditions that are ours, not those of my Ex wife and her family.
4. I fail to see how the grandkids will be upset when they realize they are going to ultimately get double the celebrations.
That’s -art of controlling a person
Whenthat person doesn't '''jump''' on command, they call, text. With. ''' your no good''''. He didn't jump. Good for DH
Based on your previous blogs,
Based on your previous blogs, your DH has made great progress. He should go ahead and block his ex, though. Try and have a relationship with his kids that doesn't involve her at all. From your previous posts about this woman, she won't give up.
Congratulations!!!! DH is growing a spine.
I hope for both of you that he continues to maintain and enforce his boundaries with his X and his manipulative kids.
My DW went through her version of this evolution with her family. It is not easy. However, in DW's case, she was able to gird her loins, keep her family in line, reduce their pathetic manipulations, and set the family relationships on a far more stable foundation and led improved relationships. It is nearly impossible to completely end the manipulations of toxic people entirely. DW has to give the primary drivers of toxicity in her family a tune up upon occassion when they step out of line. Something she has learned to do firmly, instantly, and repeatedly when necessary.