From Astronomer's post: Sister Wives
Rumplestiltskin called it what it is: Sister Wives.
Unfortunately, I know this well, because that is the situation the BM here wanted, all under the pretense of "what's best for the kids." When we put a stop to the nonsense, I was the one to be forever blamed for destroying "what's best for the kids." <EYEROLL>
The wanna-be sister wife warnings (feel free to add your own; it might save someone):
BM's and SO's post-divorce enmeshment
Post-divorce, BM was doing DH's taxes for him every year. Are you F'ing kidding me? While, yes, he was the "helpless" fool who fell for this BS, this was obviously her way to keep tabs on his income and maintain control.
BM was successful in ensuring that DH's other two post-divorce relationships with women did not work out (lots of interference, drama, etc.)
DH (then SO) told me he and the ex were "friends"--nothing wrong with friends, but this didn't jibe with the story I later heard about their horrible divorce.
BM was asking DH (then SO) to come to her house for all holidays (to stay over).
BM insisted on being present when I first met the skids (they were adolescents, not toddlers). She was like a chaperone leech.
During that visit, BM would not stop with the, "Remember whens" with DH. I wanted to vomit.
BM later invited DH (then SO) and I to her house. I was shocked to see "family photos" including SO on the FOYER walls--front and center; anyone walking into her home would have no clue that the family was not intact.
When DH and I got engaged, BM actually verbally "welcomed" me to the family. I was stunned silent. She truly acted like I was JOINING HER FAMILY.
BM then (I've mentioned this before) tried to get me to keep secrets from DH--Sister Wife Secrets. Of course, I refused.
BM suggested to DH that we include the skids in our wedding ceremony. In hindsight, I think it was her trying to insert herself. I wish we hadn't agreed; SD pouting pics made me sick.
After our wedding, BM made a point to email me and tell me that she went through all of our wedding photos online (we had given the url to the skids since they were there).
There is more. If we lived near her, she would have been wanting to walk into our house, too.
It was just months into our marriage that BM began lashing out and pulling the skids into her tantrums. When we set boundaries, she scolded me via email and told me that she "had been nothing like Christ-like to [me]." She attempted a few more scoldings of me over the next two years until I finally decided to protect myself and put a stop to her communication.
Wanna-be sister wives pretend to be . . . eh-hem. . . "Christ-like" and kind and in it "for the kids," but they are very sick individuals who want to attain or maintain control over others for their own bizarre/sick psychological reasons as well as for, as DH puts it, "insurance." As women, I think we've all met that woman who pushes a little too hard to be "friends" and you can feel the vibes of someone with ulterior motives, usually related to wanting to control a situation.
I write all of this coming from a place of growing up where I saw friends' divorced parents get along well after remarrying, of maintaining a decent/friendly (although not close) relationship with my ex (with boundaries), of believing that parents should get along "for the kids." But getting along for the kids doesn't mean THIS. The sister wife thing is a whole toxic cesspool of crazy. That we did not accept it had longstanding "consequences" for us (punishment) that at times I thought would break us. But it did not. The punishers are the broken ones.
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Comments
"Insurance"
I think you hit the bull's eye when you said BM wanted insurance, ie, someone to keep taking care of her. I didn't see this with our BM, just simple greed. But, this seemed to be on SD63's mind.
Several years ago, SD63 had a short relationship with a man who presented himself as divorced. She praised him to the skies and told me what she planned to say to his adult daughters. She planned to get along seamlesy with them and their mom "and if she (the BM) ever needs anything, like a ride to the hospital, we will gladly do it". Barf. I realized this is what she'd always wanted from us, "insurance", physical,, financial and emotional support of her mom. All our BM wanted was $ and childcare, she had moved on to her new man.
Sadly, SD was told by the adult daughter that her guy was not only still married but living in the basement of the home where the BM and adult daughters lived.
When i first started seeing
When i first started seeing my SO, he said that he and BM2 got along and sometimes she would come over and cook for the skids, but only when he was at work on the night shift.
The first time we crossed paths, i actually tried to go along and see if the whole "modern family" approach of everyone getting along and working together would work. I introduced myself when she just walked in his house (and SO was very much still home) and she pushed past me and ignored me. Started talking only to SO and only in their native language, though during their many frequent phone convos i was present for, they spoke to each other in English. She would be rude to me when SO was out of earshot.
The truth is, this woman wanted to be able to come and go as she pleased, seeing the skids when she wanted but not having any real responsibility or designated parenting time. But she wanted to keep getting child support like she had them fulltime. She also wanted to remain a part of SO's family as if they were still married (still is with many of them.) She doesn't want to give up her place.
She played on SO's hero complex by acting needy and grateful and nice to him like she was just trying her best but needed help. SO was delusional thinking BM and i could be best friends and "help each other." Meaning help each other to care for their kids and keep SO's life running smoothly. I said "WTF is she going to help ME with? What's she going to do for me? I have kids and a house, too." Crickets.
You make a point about
You make a point about remaining part of SO's family. Again, a "control" or relevance move.
DH's family didn't like BM and had little to nothing to do with her. She couldn't stand it when the skids continued relationships with them after we married. So, through the years, like a dog lifting its leg trying to mark its territory, she has "friended" most of DH's family on Facebook. This was going on as recently as last year, which is ludicrous. I assume his family members who have accepted her requests (all younger except one) did so out of sheer politeness; I know there is zero relationship there. Doesn't matter. I've blocked BM and the skids so I can't see any of their ongoing BS.
This b here (BM2) is at all
This b here (BM2) is at all the family weddings and does Christmas and vacays with SO's older brother and his wife. And when all the cousins of my age group in SO's family have their fabulous parties where they are catered and they wear evening gowns and drink champagne, BM2 is there in the Facebook pics. She is still very much in the family.
Now BM1, she's chopped liver. She's Facebook friends with SO's family members but she lives out of state and even if she were local they probably wouldn't hang out with her. SO's family will do the fake comments under her pics like "Beautiful!!" But i can tell from how they talk that they don't consider her part of the family. She's headed to our state next week, though, for the birth of SD25's baby. I may post about that, it's a "whole nother" issue. Stepshite never fking ends.
My DW and I would have so much fun in that situation.
We would crash the event. Be dressed to the 9s. Bare the "not really family" X's ass, and everyone elses, while blasting them all with our confidence, love connection, and my bride's radiance. I would be so forward about the whole thing with my family that anyone and everyone would rue the day. My X (or if I were your DH, those Xs) would avoid me and my family like the plague.
Most importantly, my bride and I would have so much fun doing it. Bringing the "Bless your sweet little hearts" model to bear on all of them implemented masterfully.
On an in my RL note, my XILs kept inviting me to family gathering events for 10 years after my divorce from their serially adulterous eldest daughter. Even after my bride and I ran into them at breakfast 6yrs post divorce. They kept enviting us to family reunions and family events.
Of course I never attended.
This b here (BM2) is at all
That is just gross and inappropriate. In college, I dated a guy whose family was like this. They never let go of anyone, even having an ex-daughter in law move in with them (the parents). They acted like this was all because they were so big-hearted; no, it's because they thrived on the drama they created through their intentional lack of boundaries. They would invite my boyfriend's ex GF over when I'd be at the house! They were all about the comfort of the person no longer "in" the family and screw you if you didn't like it (I just watched all of this; never let on my feelings about it).
I wised up quickly and dodged that crazy bullet.
I'd never want to be that background shadow trying to prove my so called relevance.
Christ like BM? Hmmm. Ask her why she is coveting your DH.
Point out that commandment to the dipshiot harpy Klingon obviously delusional BM. Thou shalt not covet another's spouse (to paraphrase the tablets). That is not a statement open to any interpretation. There is no "Except if you have bred with them" caveat. Bare her ass for being anything but Christ like. smh
Shit is what you wipe off and flush. Particularly the shit that is sticky and stanky like so many Xs seem to be. Then you fog the surfaces it touched with disinfectant to make sure it does not infect the places it has been.
As for insurance. A fundamental premise of insurance is that to have a policy, you have to pay premiums. An X is not eligible for coverage once they are the X.
The bible only applies when
The bible only applies when it benefits HCBMs in their delusional self-worshipping religions.
All bow down and worship the golden gonads of the X!
It is sad that so many who escape the failed family made with those shit people keep going back to lick their feet.
Amen!
Amen!
DH pointed out the "honor
DH pointed out the "honor your mother and father" hypocrisy to SD when she tried to proselytize to him, telling him he needed God (read: BM) in his life after we married and she stopped speaking to him.
You unfortunately fell into
Trying to be a '''good SM'''. Where did it get you. Real problem is DH didn't Recognize the evel path of the X. Not your fault. Not any more then any of us. Cut all communication with the X. Every thing go by texts. Read the CO. follow it to the period
Exactly this Harry. Read the CO, follow it, enforce it. Period.
The number of people who never read their CO is astonishing. That was the case for my SS's SpermClan. They pulled shit out of their asses left and right then would whine and cry about how it was not fair that we could do what we wanted. Ummmmm. Nope, we just knew the CO upside down inside out, and backwards. We lived by it. We made sure they lived by it as well.
Though later in our 16+ years under the CO we pretty much did do what we wanted because it was obvious they had no clue what the CO said. A key element of the CO was that the CO stipulated that they had to give us 60 days notice in writing of any visitation they intended to take. The only visitation that did not have a fixed start and end was summer which was 5wks. After several years we stopped letting them dictate when their 5wks started and we started telling the the day it would start. That allowed us to plan our summer vacations and activities. By that time they had been smacked about the head and shoulders so frequently with a rolled up copy of the CO that they pretty much just did what they were told. If we wanted to make plans for Summer, Winter, or Spring break we did. When they called for DW to arrange visitation travel, if we wanted to do something, we just told them they had not notified in writing their intent to take the visitation and nope. Not happening. If we enforced that part of the CO, they would rant that we were keeping SS from them. Nope. The CO was clear. No 60day notice, no visitation. There was no making up missed visitation days. Though if we had plans far in advance we would add time to their summer visitation to give them the opportunity to have more time if we had plans over Winter or Spring visitations.
Occasionally SpermGrandHag would pout, whine, and rant that the Judge or Lawyer that she cleaned houses and offices for told her that we couldn't do (fill in the blank) when the CO was crystal clear on it or, never mentioned it. In which case we could do whatever we wanted until a presiding Judge ruled otherwise. Her Judge and Lawyer network never say the CO. She never could product a copy of the CO. So, we retained a major advantage for the entire duration of the CO.
"See you in court" was our usual response to her attempts to quote some crap that an uninvolved Judge or Lawyer supposedly told her. At which point we got the pouty "That is all you ever say." We would then tell her to read the damned CO.
We both had digital copies of the CO, supplemental county rules, and SpermLand state regulations on Custody/Visitation/Support on our work hard drives. If the Hag called, DW would patch me into the call and I would IM or email her chapter and verse from the CO, et al, when she pulled her usual shit. Rant, rant, rant, pout, pout, pout, slam down her phone.
Until the next time.
The side that knows the CO to the letter and is committed to countering toxicity from the other side will invariably control reality and the narrative in the blended family dynamic.
Basically anything not specifically stipulated in the CO, is free game to do what you want.
IMHO of course.
Think long and hard ....
Think long and hard ....
American MEN would NEVER be brother husbands.
Only time I ever saw a set up like that was ONCE with Demi Moore and her exes trying to be "one big "happy" family" ... and look how that turned out Ashton left that mess and Bruce is mentally in shambles.
Anyways ladies! Start moving like men out here. If they will leave you in the drop of a dime the moment they have to agree to some brother husband cult to be with you .... then best believe y'all should do the same
Know your worth! Don't let these people gaslight you into to lowering your morals, values, self worth, and self esteem because someone deemed dysfunctional behavior as "for the kids benefit"
*Take this with a grain of salt bc I'm not married nor will I marry into or stay married to men who do not deserve my time.
Nope, I'm not playing the "how does my junk taste" game.
No one is worth that.
Sister wives, brother husbands, throuples, etc.... not something I would engage in or tolerate. Even worse that than crap IMHO is cheating. Scorched earth would happen if that crap were to occur again in my life.
Grrrrr!
If I am in someone's life, it is equally my responsibility to participate in their life, protect them, and protect us together. As it is also their responsibility. The never ending cycle of the person we are making a life with enabling the invasion of historic baggage bullshit into our lives is a non starter IMHO.
Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. They can GTF out and stay out of our lives if they can't function as a quality partner.
IMHO of course.
Many of the divorce communities take a very kid centric perspective and everything is about the kids. What do the kids think? What do the kids want? I'm in camp I don't give a shit what the kids think or want. Kids have parents for a reason. Their brains don't even finish physically forming until they are in their mid 20s. So, what the minor kid thinks or wants is of a distant last consideration. Of course some kids are sharp and perfectly capable if cogent thinking. Though it is still the parents/adults role to guide, protect, make the call for minor children. Interestingly, though physical brain development is complete by the mid 20s, higher order neural pathways continue to develop into the 30s. Which may just explain why so many Skids and Xs never seem to catch a clue. Sadly, not an insignicant % of mates to SParents seem to be delayed in brain function as well.
most structural growth is complete by the mid-20s, fine-tuning and refinement of neural connections continue well into the 30s
Omg,,,you are so right:
Omg,,,you are so right: brother husbands, lol! Imagine!