How to Act at Events When Trying No Contact
I've gone through the whole teen SD saga and put up with years of narcissistic behaviour we had hoped the child would eventually outgrow by setting boundaries and refusing to acknowledge terrible behaviour. They've manipulated siblings and thrive trying to bring others to their way of thinking.... my husband and I have tried and weathered the storm. He is a very supportive man and coming out of a narcissistic marriage, recognises the patterns he doesn't want in his life either.
Fast-forward to years later with a grandchild in tow. We had thrown everything emotionally we had into trying to build a loving and understanding healthy relationship. Things had been going great for a while, then history started repeating itself. The same patterns of gaslighting and silent treatment. There is no major event that took place - it was us simply saying no to something we didn't want to do. Just a small thing too. After 3-4 weeks of enduring the behaviour I finally have called it quits. They're an adult now, I don't deserve the treatment- no one does. I don't want to be feeling constant anxiety and confusion every day of my life. Dad tried to sort it out saying behaviour was unacceptable but unfortunately many other excuses kept coming up to try and justify the disrespect and stay angry. Couldn't move past it. Now it's a stalemate pretty much.
So to my question and after opinions and thoughts... when my main issue was the silent treatment / being spoken to only when couldn't avoid it without looking like they were being rude (which obviously they were)... I would have been willing to accept a relationship that was at least polite and kept their distance, but it just ended up with short abrupt answers to questions and resentful attitude.
How do I engage with someone you've decided to go no-contact with at a family function they will be at? they've done this to me before during their teen years. It's a very horrible and uncomfortable feeling - especially at a family event.
Yes I can be civil and polite. No I don't wish to engage them any further than a "hello, how are you?" It seems so incredibly ironic doesn't it? Speaking only so you're not considered rude. It does feel a lot like how they treated me (except hopefully I can portray a little more friendliness in my tone)? But I'm not trying to be nasty towards them. I want to be nice and polite. I always just wanted a healthy relationship. I just dont know how to proceed with this. I do know it will be thrown back in my face and I know my justification is my own sanity... but you couldn't explain that to them. They'll just say the same back to you to excuse their behaviour and try and convince us that they were being just as polite... you can't reason with someone like this. I don't want to try and reason though. I simply just want a peaceful day (& avoid the after effects because I know it will come up as an example when they're trying to convince their father why they do what they do). ... This is the mindf*ck that is trying to separate from a narcissistic family member.
I was trying to avoid my ex
I was trying to avoid my ex husband at events. I say the bare minimum to him. I steer clear of him in general. When together we just make "niceties". Like hi, how about that weather. Well see you later. You don't have to engage with someone you are trying to go no contact with. You don't owe anything to them and certainly don't have to say anything to them. Disengage. Stay clear of them.
A tactical error. Ignoring their shit behavior? KISS.
Keep It Stupid Simple. Unreasonable people cannot and should not be dealt with reasonably.
IMHO rather than ignoring the inappropriate behaviors, it is better to go scorched earth zero tolerance immediate ass baring destruction on these types when they pull their crap. Even when they are kids. In an age appropriate manner of course. Set and enforce the standards of behavior and standards of performance you demand from those in your life. If they choose to violate those standards, it should be instant game on. No cursing or yelling. Just directly calling them out on their crap and building an eternally escalating state of abject misery for them to experience based on their chosen behaviors. If they behavior reasonably, interface with them accordingly. If not...... it is game on.
Though for caring people this is difficult, you have to learn to interface with them as if you just do not care.
At family events. Be present. Be radiant. You and your SO be unassailably confident and demonstrably happy on each other's arm. Whisper in each other's ear. Both to flirt, and to comment on the behaviors of the dirt-bags when they ply their crap. Laugh at each others inside jokes and comments. The narcs will lose their F'n minds over your radiant happiness with your SO and his happiness with you. These are blended family Kidults. They matter no more than any other rude ill behaved adult should matter. If they make the mistake of behaving inappropriately, being disrespectful, or being demonstrably rude to you or your mate, rip out their throats. Confidently, calmly, maturely, firmly, and immediately. Figuratively of course.
Full disclosure on my blended family/SParent journey. My crucible to survive was my first blessedly child free first marriage. I did not pollute my gene pool with my serially adulterous XW. She brought no toxic spawn to our marriage. She did have one in the oven with her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy when she moved out of our marital home and another in the oven at the final divorce hearing. She lost the first one tdue o miscarriage but wasted no time in reheating the oven with another. She is on marriage #3, has 3 all out of wedlock progeny. Her eldest and youngest conceived with someone other than her husband at the time. Grandpa sugar/baby daddy married her after their second was born and booted her ass out when she got knocked up while cheating on him. Karma!!!!
I met my DW of 30yrs 3 years after my divorce when her son was 15mos old. We married the week before he turned 2yo. I am his dad. He asked me to adopt him when he was 22yo. We made that happen. The SpermClan were toxic, PASing, nasty, shallow and polluted gene pool wastes of skin. Fortunately DW had left SpermLand to attend university and took my SS with her. That is where we met and became a family. We have never lived nearer than 2K miles from SpermLand. We lived under a CO for 16+ years. After SS-32 aged out from under the CO when he turned 18 a few months after graduating HS his SpermClan continued their manipulative crap so after a few years of adulthood he wrote them all off. His mom and I are very proud of raising the man of character, honor, and standing in his life, profession, and community that our son is.
We tolerated no bullshit. SS was raised with age appropriately enforced standards of behavior and standards of performance. When the SpermClan stepped out of line we ripped out their throats with every legal, social, and financial tool at our disposal. DW made our marriage and each other the uncontested priority. SS was our top marital responsibility. Priority and responsibility are two very different things. We are fortunate DW, SS, and I have a very close adult family relationship.
So, make sure you and DH prioritize each other and your marriage and tolerate no crap from the ill behaved narc SKidults or their spawn. Or anyone else for that matter.
Focus on living your best lives together. Enjoying continuing your life of adventure and building your love for the ages together. Living well is what we owe ourselves and our partners. Living well together. Living our best lives is also the best revenge against the enemies at the gates. They choose to be the enemies. Let them live the instant escalating ass baring pain that earns them. Make delivering that instant escalating ass baring pain your fondest hobby as a couple.
All IMHO and experience of course.
Take care of you.
I am no contact with my SO's
I am no contact with my SO's brother and SIL. I ignore them or give a short polite "Merry Christmas." Usually, though, i do what they have done to me for years. Pretend they are invisible. SO's brother will try to bait me by giving me thinly veiled rude comments in front of SO's parents, when he knows i won't speak up (the coward...it's very much frowned upon by the parents to display rude behavior in public, and the parents are in their 80s and their English is bad so they don't catch the rudeness of his comments.) I just stare at him a few seconds then go about my business. TBH, i don't go to most things for this reason.
"Oh bless your sweet little heart!"
Then walk away. MIL and FIL with limited English comprehension regarding rude will think you are being sweet to their toxic spawn.
Have fun!