DH's phone call from Skidhell
He drove several hours and rented an Airbnb to see the skids. He said this was his last visit. These visits, ranging from 2 - 4 times a year, cost him over $1000 a pop, even more when he flies.
He called me last night with the usual skid-visit distraught-sounding voice, maybe a little worse this time. He really enjoyed seeing the grands and getting to know them better (he had never met the youngest). SD invited him back to her house Saturday afternoon to hang out for several hours and have dinner, and he had been looking forward to that. SS was going to be there, too.
A little background: BM has ALWAYS wanted DH's visits with skids "supervised" as if he's some kind of child abuser. When the skids were younger, she was the supervisor. On the rare skid visits to us, she'd send friends with them--SD's friends would kind of sneer at us in our own home. There were always buffers because BM has always been (legitimately) afraid that DH would tell skids the truth about what really happened in their marriage (her cheating) and it could destroy the false narrative of his so-called abandonment of the family. (When asked accusingly by the skids about the divorce, he always responded with the TRUTH, then all hell would break loose again. . . rinse, repeat. I guess skids thought they'd one day get an answer they wanted to hear vs. the truth.)
So, DH goes to SD's house in the afternoon, planning to spend hours there. He planned to have a talk with SD about her behaviors--nothing too deep but he wanted to confront her about some things. But, surprise, who is there but son-in-law's god-awful parents (SIL's bio dad and grimacing B stepmom) who are on the "Bad Bio-Dad" train. These people are truly awful, especially the wife, and are totally wrapped up in/with BM. They were obviously present as the "buffer," the supervisors (that was their--especially the dad's--role with us at SD's wedding, too; it was so insulting). DH said they hardly talked to him--he was definitely the outsider--so he spent time on the floor in the other room with the grands. So much for alone time with his own daughter (as usual). I'm thinking SD has jumped on the "buffer" train and actively arranged this herself, purposely not telling DH that others would be there during his visit. She was well-trained by her mother, who normally pulls all the strings.
DH is angry, distraught, just over it. I said to him, "Well, you know we are on the level of the drug addict bio-mom of son-in-law. That's where we stand. This is another reason I do not participate in any of this. I am not setting myself up to be the recipient of more rudeness."
It's horrible that he was so happy (I'd say joyful) to see the grands and then smacked down yet again. He, as always, is looking forward to coming home. It is past time for this game to come to an end. There is no purpose of it except for the skids continue to punish and him to feel punished. I don't know if he'll ever have his heart-to-heart with SD. I don't think it matters, anyway.
It has taken him a long, long time to tire of this, but he's at the end of it all right now. Finally.
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Finally
Sad but you've done the best thing so he could come to this realization himself. If you'd gone, we know whose fault it would be.
What I don't get is why these
What I don't get is why these SK's don't think for themselves? I understand they were trained as kids to be suspicious or punishing to DH & SM by a insane BM but why don't they learn to use their own brains once they start to grow up?
My Mom didn't particularly care for my SM but I was smart enough to understand that the dynamics between them weren't the same as MY relationship with my SM. My SM treated me well, was kind and funny and we got along great. As a kid I didn't know exactly how to make sense of it all but I used my own mind to decide how I would be in the world. I used my own judgement and my own brain.
I hope your DH has finally had enough and stops going back saying "May I please have another."
I don't get why they don't
I don't get why they don't think for themselves, either. But I have always called their little group a cult. It helps, I think, that BM is fanatically religious and has passed that on to SD in particular. It's been convenient for BM, I guess, as then DH and I are heathens & outsiders. BM has also played the victim and the martyr to the fullest. After her affair man left, she rarely dated and never remarried "for the kids" (yea, umm, for the kids, right).
When the skids went through a period of misbehaving and embarrassing BM a number of years ago, she put herself in a situation that could have been very dangerous and used her possible death (eyeroll) as a threat to get them back in line. It apparently scared the crap out of the skids and they began marching in lockstep once again.
When DH planned this visit, he said he believed it would be his last. I was concerned when he called me one day and sounded so joyful over the grands, especially the oldest one . . . I thought, well, he's getting sucked right back in again. But he sounded disgusted and resolute during the last call. He's not a young man anymore. This all takes a toll on him, and he's recognizing that.
I was practically yelling when we talked. I told him how angry I was about their behavior. Back in the day, he would have had a real issue with me speaking so angrily about his precious little princess. He used to withhold things because he didn't want his preciouses looking bad (or worse) to me, but also he stated he was embarrassed by their behavior/of them. He no longer hides their ahole behavior and we "deal" with these things as a team rather than him struggling by himself and me being the bad guy if I bring up anything. Things have finally shifted.
My father had a girlfriend (they were involved when my parents were still married) and my mother despised that woman. My mother would have been happy if we were all mean to her. But we weren't. We thought for ourselves. Whatever our father and his GF had done that was "bad," his happiness, as well as our mother's happiness (she married a man who treated her like a queen) was important to us.
You were observant and just
You were observant and just maybe had the benefit of the facts as well. So many toxicly manipulated CODs never get the facts and are so intoxicated by PASing by the toxic parent that the couldn't be observant if the message was written on a 2x4 and they were beat over the head with it repeatedly.
Our kid learned to think for himself because he was raised by two successful professional spouses in his mostly full time real life. We would respond to the questions he had with the facts in an age appropriate manner. By the time he was 18 he was as well versed in the CO, court documents, court recordings, CS orders, financial situations on both sides, arrest records, divorce histories, etc... as we were and far more versed and knowledgeable than the SpermClan was since they clearly never read any of it. When they got their nads stomped on in court after they stepped out of line, or when they
they walked out, pouted, and reset on their commitment to toxic standing on a whiny platform of "That is not fair and the Judge I clean house for says........" We just kept a copy of the CO rolled up and at hand to smack them about the head and shoulders with. We could have told them it said anything we wanted to tell them it said and they would likely have never known.
We knew it front to back, back to front, inside out, upside down and sideways. It got to the point where we used it to manage our ability to do what was in the best interests of our kid and our family. The CO required that they notify us in writing no less than 60 days prior to any visitation they chose to exersize. One thing they always manipulated was that DW could take SS for 10 days between the start and end dates of their Summer visitation. If she chose to take that their visitation day count paused until SS was returned to them then continued until they had their full 5wk. They always ignored DW's in writing notification that she would be taking her 10 days and would be out of town and not respond when DW would demand the kid as they had been notified. This was invariably to deny DW July 4th. So, we started declining any requested start date they made for the Summer 5wks because it was not made in writing 60 days or more prior to their requested start date. That made their start date whatever she told them it would be. A few times over the years we took vacation early in the summer which was when they usually wanted their visitation to start. We never took July 4th though we certainly could have played the "You did not request visitation in writing" card and allowed their visitation to start after we had the July 4th holiday.
Ugh!
I see similarities in our husbands, Mia. Mine, too, is so kind and hopeful. Always looking for the best, even when OSD is at her worst. I, too, am the voice of reason and point things out; I am kind about it, however I know that it still hurts. After 2 years of nonsense, he is finally done. I have to wonder how he lasted this long, because I was overdone a long time ago.
How long have you been fighting this war? I hope your husband comes home and knows that he has done his best to end the war. I really do feel for him.
Two years into our marriage
Two years into our marriage we separated for a brief period (and then went to marriage counseling) because of how crazy things got as soon as we married and DH's complete loss regarding how to handle it all.
Five years into our marriage, we agreed that skids could not come back into our home without apologies and sincere change. SS tried and he visited us a handful of times over the next 10 years. Increasingly, though, his behavior got worse until it became unbearable. I didn't see SD for 7 wonderful years. She magically wanted to clear the air when she knew she was getting married and wanted $$$.
I have seen SD 4 times in 15 years (one was at her wedding and one was last year during DH's health crisis).
We are going on 20 years of marriage. We were only able to survive because DH has seen his kids mostly outside of our home.
That worked well. So, for the most part, I have ignored them and I've been fine. Things got very ugly last year around his surgery and recovery. Everything negative resurfaced after a very long period of peace. Skids will never step foot in this house again. I hope to never see them again.
It was around the time leading up to SD's wedding that DH finally started seeing SD for what she is and not the innocent little daddy's girl she tries to pretend to be. He has felt very torn because the little bitch is quite the crying little manipulator. I feel bad for him.
You see what’s going on
Unfortunately DH Can't see it, or dint want to see, wgars going on. Guest he getting tired of these disrespect visits. Face facts that he can't visit his DD with out people ti buffer. Them. You must be supporting DH, but at the same time letting him know hie crazy all of this is. It's too late to chabfe SK w