We are retired, too.  We have 5 kids, 3 inlaws, 9gkids and 4 great-gkids.  I used to shop for people but I gave it up a few years ago.  We give $, it always fits,  is always welcome.  For married couples, that amount is for both of them so I'd guess you would call it a family gift.

I'm the "Parity Queen" so the kid amount is the same for all, the gkid amount is the same for all  When the gkids were under 10, I"d ask the parents what to buy.  I'd tell them the gkid amount.  I'd buy what they suggested, I wanted the little kids to have something to open. Now all the gkids are over 10, so all get cash.  For the 4 great-gkids, I just give the mother the amount and ask them to shop for me.

Some of our kids and gkids give us something tho I've told them not to.  We don't need anything but it's nice when they reciprocate, shows manners. But I certainly understand financial restraints and admire those who face their reality.

Since my ex and BM are dead, we don't have that competition factor tho when BM was alive, I think she felt competitive.  I was so busy working, going to night school and coping with all the kids, DH and the house, I didnt notice.  

I think DH might secretly wish that I were still shopping, still piling up gifts under the tree.  He used to participate in the gkids shopping trips, got to knowToys are Us well.  Well, DH, if you want to do all that shopping, go for it but nowadays, you dont even go in grocery stores.

Sorry to go on at length but I gave it a lot of thought over the years so I know where you are coming from.

I am probably right down at one end of the spectrum, but I have nothing to do with gifts for my two step daughters any more, I just buy gifts for my own 2 daughters and 3 grandchildren.  I did buy for the SDs when they were young, tried to buy them things I thought they'd like, but in return I either got nothing or some passive aggressive non-gift - like the small, dusty bottle of vinegar, undoubtedly from the back of one of BM's cupboards.  Fortunately, neither of the SDs has kids yet.  I don't think I've ever had a birthday card or gift from the SDs, and don't feel any guilt about not getting them anything.  

Your main concern seems to be the money for the gifts - maybe you could have a talk with your DH, tell him you're worried about finances and about him giving them money behind your back.  It's quite common for fathers to try to buy affection.  

Is the money he wants to spend his? From his account/savings? If so then ther is much you can do except remi d him he better never get sick because you couldn't afford his care.

If this money belongs to both of you, he doesn't get to play oneupmanship with his ex and her family. Draw up your budget (maybe PowerPoint) showing him where every penny goes and how much disposable income you have. Add a bit on for special stuff (Xmas dinner, for instance). Show him what can be spared for everyone in both families if they all get the same sum. He can't keep throwing unlimited amounts to them to ease his pride.

Finally, JRIhas a system that works for her. She has complete control over their finances and her DH gets an allowance,to do whatever he wants with. This at least limits the amount he gives throws away on his daughter.

 Pick a amount of money you can easily save each week.  $ 20 x 52 weeks.  That's $ 1,000.  And that's your Christmas money.  
$ 10 a week is $500. $40 a week is $2,000.  

It's frustrating to not be on the same page... 

The right thing to do is to set a clear budget and then he can spend that budget as he wishes.. family gift.. individual gifts.. doesn't matter.. as long as the total of what he spends does not exceed your agreed upon amount.  

Like Kes, I do not buy gifts or cards for the skids and, now, the grandkids (two of whom I have never met). I don't buy anything for people who consistently fail to acknowledge the gifts I've sent and who refuse to say a simple, "thank you." 
I like the idea of sitting down with him and reviewing your budget, then creating a gift budget. But it sounds like your DH is going to break that budget, anyway. 

DH used to overspend, buying whatever SD commanded. Now that she is not speaking to him, I hope there are no gifts at all. In the past I have sent homemade baked goods, but I'm not going to do that either. I'd rather give them to a stranger.

As for SS, DH recently promised to pay for a ridiculous amount of car repairs. I haven't heard any more about that. I'd be ok with a cash gift, but not at the level DH promised.

I used to love the holidays. 

I don't know that there is much you can do but try to have a calm and honest conversation about your financial situation.  You both need to understand what might be available for christmas.. and perhaps there are things he indulges in that he would forego in order to give presents.. but he needs to discuss this and if you can agree on something together, he should honor that.

If you are not going to be able to pay the light bill... then obviously that is a hard line when it comes to spending..   It might also be good to breakdown your household budget and set some guidelines on discretionary spending that you each can decide on before you have to "ask permission".. maybe you indulge in gardening things in the spring.. but his indulgence is spoiling his grandkids.. both can be ok.. if they are baked into an annual spending plan.  (a plan that allows for unexpected emergency spending like car repairs.. and home repairs.. obv)

I have read all your comments with great interest because I have been thinking of the holiday season lately. When it is 'yours' and 'mine' it certainly complicates things! 

In the past, DH's daughter has big asks ($150 sweatshirt, $120 leggings, $50 onesie for an infant, etc.). To me, this is excessive! Last year I was able to keep it in check a bit. Also, he has historically spent a LOT on his mom/dad; not sure if he is trying to keep up with them (they are very well funded), but it is excessive. His mom is very hard to buy for and makes it clear that she doesn't like things, "What am I going to do with that?" and such. (I found an item the other day and asked where it came from. Apparently he had given it to his mom and she gave it back.) Christmas is eat, open mountains of gifts, and go home. Relating as a family and enjoying each others' company is not really the focus. This really takes the joy out of giving. This is not what I am used to or what we do with my family. 

I guess I'm just venting because I am not looking forward to the holidays with his family at all.

Hey, NoName,

Who could forget those creeps who failed to send as much as a card when your father died or when you were hospitalized for surgery? Only a stone masochist would be unhinged enough to buy them a damned thing for Christmas! Ugh. If your husband is determined to overspend on them when they seldom reciprocate with any gift at all, more fool him.

I give my 4 bio and 2 step grandkids $200.00 each for Christmas which is a helluva lot easier than exhausting myself with shopping. My DH does his own gift giving to which I pay absolutely no attention. For decades, none of adults in either of our families have exchanged gifts; too many people and too much hassle.

I don't give  a crap about what people want. I buy them what I want the to have.  I put effort into it.  When I find that right gift for a person, that is what they get from me.  

I also do not buy gifts for just anyone and everyone. I buy only for those that are important to me.  My bride, my kid, my parents, my brother, my niece and nephews.  DW and I work together for everyone else though she is the primary action taker in those gift efforts.

My ILs are list people and my DW usually just gets a list item for each of her family members. They do a draw.  Between BIL1's faily, BIL 2's family, SIL's family, my MIL and my DW's aunt there are 16 people and we (primarily my bride) buys each of them a gift.  They all just gift within their own families plus a gift for the one name they each draw.  Because we have always done gifts for each person in the IL clan, each IL clan family branch has reciprocated for gifts for each of us. Some of them are quite well thought out. Mainly teasing gifts with meaning usually targeted in my direction.  The most notable is that I get balls from my BIL1 every Christmas.  There is a not so inside joke to that one. While we were overseas we had flown in to spend Christmas with my ILs.  I was hammered by jet lag.  We were at BIL1's house and his DW had brought me a huge boiling mug of tea. I was holding it on the arm of the sofa and dozed off then dumped it in my lap scalding the twig and giggle berries. I flew up off of the sofa bellowing dropped my jeans and stared pulling on the front my skivvies to cool off boiling liquid. Our then youngest niece was about 6. There I was in the middle of their living room with my pants around my ankles hopping up and down using my skivvies and a bellows to air out the boys while our niece had her head buried in BIL1s shoulder.  Things were tender for a couple of days after that with a notable red hue to them.  A humorous holiday side bar story.

My DW has over the years started to deviate from the gift lists and will upon occasion buy something she wants that person to have.  The first instance of this was a heart breaker for my DW early in our marriage.  My DW is a coffee person.  Her mom would have a cup every AM and DW would have one with her growing up. It was a special thing for them.  One Christmas early in our marriage DW put a ton of effort into researching and shopping. As a joint gift for her mom and her sister she bought a gourmet coffee maker, a selection of gourmet coffees and two customized coffee mugs one for her mom and one for her sister.  She invested heavily of herself in thinking up that gift and putting it all together.  We are talking exceptionally nice stuff.   

She called her family on Christmas day excited to speak with all of them about their day and their gifts.  MIL crushed my then ~20yo DW with "Why did you buy us this?  You know I drink Folger's instant."  My DW was destroyed and I was beyond livid with my MIL for that crap.  That ruined gifting for her family for my wife for years.  After that DW was gift cards and nothing more  for nearly a decade.

Christmas is not the only time this type of thing has transpired with my IL clan.  When my DW assumed guardianship of her younger sister at 17 when my ILs let her graduate a year early we bought a 3rd car so SIL could drive to University for classes and so she could run SS to practices, etc... The deal was that we would assume guardianship, she would be a part of our family, we would pay for her University education, when we went out for a meal, she was with us, vacations she was with us, she had her own room, batheroom and a separate study in our home. Her part was that she would be home when then 12yo SS would get home from school, run him to practices, water, mow, and trim the lawn, and do some minor house keeping stuff.  Not a bad deal for zero costs of living  in a beautiful home and a free college education.  But, we were mean. We would not let her skip class, we made her show us all of her assignments and we made sure she did University level work.  She was basically functionally illiterate at that time so written assignments were a challenge for her. It was our money so she performed to our standards. She finished her first year with a 3.2 GPA and had improved notably in her writing.  She is a math savant so mathematics was not a problem for her.

After a year and turning 18 SIL decided to move back to the small town in SpermLand that my ILs are from.  DW and I decided that we would sign the title to the 3rd vehicle over to her.  We flew my MIL out to drive back to SpermLand with SIL.  We also gave them money for their road trip. Food, hotels, National Park fees, etc... At that time I was in a road warrior role where I would fly home on Friday afternoons and fly back to work on Sunday night.  I spent the whole weekend servicing the vehicle.  Oil change, cooling system flush, rear diff service, transmission flush and service, and new tires all around.  When it was all done I took SIL for a walk around of the whole vehicle showing her how and having her check fluids, check tire pressures, etc..  shile I explained everything that was done.  After that I handed her the title and the keys.  I asked her what she thought. "They're tires." in a snarky voice was her reply. I damned near lost my mind. I had burned my time with my family after flying in for the weekend to make sure the vehicle was serviced, reliable, and safe for her and MIL's road trip back to SpermLand.   SIL went back inside while DW stayed out with me in the driveway to calm me down.  Apparently SIL whined to MIL.  MIL came out with a near repeat of the coffee gift my DW had so lovingly put together for MIL and SIL 10 or so years before.  MIL says to DW and I "If this is a problem I will just buy plane tickets and we will just fly home."  That was exactly the wrong thing to say at that moment. I told my MIL that the only way they were getting home was to drive the vehicle we had just given to SIL if I had to follow them one of the 2000miles.  I told her that they would get in that vehicle right now, go to the County office to transfer the title, they would then call their insurance agent to add it to their insurance and then hand me the phone so I could ensure it was covered, and they would show me the paperwork from the DMV title office showing it had been transferred to SIL.  MIL just stood there giving me a blank stare. I then barked "NOW!". MIL scooted in the house, she and SIL rapidly came out with their purses, got in the car, and headed to the DMV.  I was beyond livid.

Over the 3 decades I have been an Outlaw to my ILs I have trained them on how to treat me and how to treat my bride.  They still will poke the bear upon occasion but to nowhere near the extent they have made the error of doing in the past.

For me Christmas is about giving people what I want them to have. I do not need or want a thing.  The joy for me is in giving people I care about things I want them to have.  What I demand is decency. I will tolerate nothing less. Those who FA will FO.  No one on the "I care about them list" has every been anything but decent.

So, make sure everyone knows that decency and only decency will be accepted and KISS regarding gifts.

IMHO of course.

What about season passes to a local zoo... or museum... something near their house that is for the family that they can do together all season long

I am curious to see what my SO does this Christmas. The first year I met him he would spend $3,000 on each child. He has gotten it down to around $500 each. They need nothing because they have credit cards from their grandparents that they buy anything they want at anytime. All sports anything are paid for by my SO throughout the year.  The kids never say thank you for anything they get and have never once given my SO a gift.  Now that SD is basically not speaking to my SO I am not sure what will happen.  I don't know if he will over compensate or do less. Normally by this time he is already asking me about gifts , but he knows that I have pretty much backed out of everything for the kids. I am on the fence about knowing what he is doing , because we have some big remodeling that we need to get done in order to sell the house and money can't be spent foolishly. 

SD14 doesn't bother with a face-to-face happy birthday to me and does not sign any cards from DH. I used to go out and purchase my own gifts for SD when she was younger and I fell for her manipulation: roller skates, cooking classes, camera, etc. DH typically gets a wish list from SD and he buys off of that. I MIGHT offer to go out shopping for stocking stuffers: candy, etc. But I WILL be asking for some money if I decide to offer to pick things out. 

It might sound petty, but I feel the energy that is given/received year-round should not change just because it's Christmas.