In a 4 year span, I lost my sister and 9 year old nephew (auto accident), two brothers (overdoses) and my elderly mom. Not one word from DHs kids. Had a MAJOR surgery and only "noise" from DHs kids was the oldest (in his 30's at the time) "crying" because daddy couldn't take him to the movies. Lost my precious fur baby with DHs youngest living IN our home at the time. Not a sound. 
 

Your situation is not unusual. Many of us on the board have experienced exactly what you have. All I can say is search the site for boundaries to set, protecting your heart and "girding your loin" for your time in StepHell. 
 

Im at the place where I do NOT want sympathy or anything from DHs kids. While my bio family is very small, my friends have stepped into that role. I get emotional support there. DH's kids are simply his kids and I interact on a civil and superficial basis and only when utterly necessary. 
 

Sometimes I think, why did I tolerate that crap for 12 years???? I would never have let any other human treat me in such a terrible manner and for so long. SMH

Start your research and take care of you. 
 

EDIT: DH and I do not have children together. We were past that stage of life. But I don't think it matters. His family has been kind to me but some of them did stay in contact with the ex, even after her horrid treatment of DH. 

I think I read that you had been in therapy with your DH.. if you are not still in therapy.. working through your feelings of loss would be helpful to you I think.

I get the feeling that you came into this family when his kids were grown or almost grown?  Looking back, these people have seemed to constantly work to keep your DH and his EX in contact and connected.  Your husband has not had great boundaries with communicating with his EX either.

So, these are not people that you can, or should expect to be compassionate to you. And.. I know that sounds unfair and that you would hope that people you have put energy into would care... but they don't.  Is their disinsterest just related to "you".. or is that just how they are with everyone.... it may be that is just how they are.. it could be because they have a problem with "you" in particular because you married dad and ended some fantasy of happily ever after for their parents.

As far as his extended family... for whatever reason, they don't feel connected to you.. and part of that might be your DH not communicating with them about you or them having feelings related to the grandkids.

Because.. yes.. for some families.. not having a bio child is going to mean you are "less than" in some way.. and that is just how they operate.

Again.. I am sorry for your difficulties and loss.. you should be looking for your husband to support you and your own family and friends.. I think you can write off his.

"What do I do moving forward?  Pretend like these people don't even exist?"

Bingo. It sucks because feeling rejected and uncared for hurts, but it's also freeing in that you can stop trying with them. Stop caring. And refocus your energy on people who do care for you. And on the person who is always with you and is your best ally - yourself. 

Disengage from SK. Make it like they don't exist.  Nothing you can do about there crappie behavior. 

It is painful to read this -- both your situation and CajunMom's. And I see that the rest of us are familiar with this sub-primate disgusting behavior, too. I am so sorry! 

It's the ups and the downs and everything in between that these types of soulless-skids ignore. And I know it hurts. I received a brief, super-obligatory forced email from SD that focused on her love for her own mother (who had terrorized us) when my mother died. I responded to her in a way that would naturally have kept the "conversation" going, but she slammed the door. I heard nothing from SS when Mom died. On the flip side, when wonderful things have happened to me that are a big deal, the skids have always hunkered down and didn't dare say a congratulatory word. If you gave my skids a pop quiz about my family, they would only be able to mention MAYBE one or two people. They do not even know how many siblings I have. And DH and I have been together for over 20 years. 

It's mind-boggling to those of us who are NORMAL and feel natural empathy for others. My God, my parents' divorce was ultimately over "the other woman," and, while we were not BFFs, I treated her with respect and kindness. She was always welcome in my home with my Dad, we always exchanged gifts, etc. I just can't wrap my head around the skid behavior so many of us have experienced. 

The way I have dealt with it is to basically erase these little bastads from my life. I've (finally) reached a point of labeling them the sociopathic MONSTER losers they are. I gave them many many chances through the years, as we pretended that "when they are adults" things would change. I very much regret my kindness to them in the past and, like CajunMom, at times wonder why I didn't bolt a long time ago when I was in the midst of it. 

So, yes, ignore and get rid of the bad and pay attention to the good. So sorry for your loss, and I hope you are healing well. 

In my mind I gave it a real good 10 years to get sorted - lots of "water under the bridge", "they are still growing and developing", "give it time." All of it - I did it and I can tell you they never changed - never moved an inch from their position of resentment, hostility and treating me worse than you would treat a stranger. There would be "fleeting" moments of good but the BAD outweighed any good times. What helped me realize "it is what it is" was to allow me to psychologically work myself up to the "last straw." For me I am like the energizer bunny- I just keep going and thinking that showering with love will change the situation- it did not. So...I became pretty angry and resentful but then through that period of hard filled emotions came a time of great observation where I viewed myself as watching them through a crystal ball. I told myself to wait for the "straw that breaks the camels back." And they were happy to stomp all over the camel's back at a horrificly disrespectful dinner experience where even the waitstaff told me to "leave them the bill - they are absolutely disrespecting you & your husband. Complete brats. FOLLOWED BY A PROFANITY." I started blinking my eyes at the waitress of this nice resturant that we were paying to have this nice meal at, realizing this perfect stranger was telling me this is horrible and these adults are AWFUL - that's enough of a sign.

I wish I could say I finally stopped being angry but my anger ROSE to another level that was necessary for my body to begin to associate them with negative feelings. That was actually really important for me- I may not have been outwardly raging at them but I had stuffed my emotions down, I had sacraficed for what I thought was good for the "whole sum" rather than myself- I had essentially put everyone above myself and these emotions flooded up. I did not share it with them and I found a therapist to work through it all. Now I am on the other side and see things clearly for what they are. The anger does not well up as much but I pay attention to that gut feeling. With one of the SKIDs it gets prickly and I feel unsafe- truly. I listen to my body now and the warnings that it's giving off and I put myself first. 

You can try to "kill them with kindness" but having done that myself - it did NOT work. What worked was to save myself, pay attention to my instincts and focus my energy elsewhere rather than throwing it into a giant vat of nothingness. I am still civil - I don't act nasty or mean to them, but I do not give them an inch. Nothing is shared about my life and they don't ask so I simply offer nothing. I also equally take no interest in their lives and I ask DH nothing about them. I suggest you start the path to healing - realizing they are not caring about you is the first step, keep moving towards a healthier outcome. You can do this. 

My skids are the same. They didn't contact their father after his major surgery and recovery either. I don't know how they live with themselves. (I'm all for people cutting ties with abusive and toxic parents, but that is not the case here. DH's "faults" include marrying me and closing his wallet.)

I still spend way too much mental trying to understand them. But mostly I live my best life with my family and friends. If DH wants to see his kids, ok, but don't include me. 

Sorry to hear about your parent passing

This is why I never got emotionally attached to these skids. The average skid could careless. 
 

Detach, detach, detach 

Aw Hon,

So sorry to hear of your loss and I can definitely relate to your sorrow. My kind, loving, generous father died last month and I miss him terribly. My stepson and his wife sent me a huge floral gift, my stepdaughter mailed a heartwarming card and my DH’s sister sent both flowers and a card; their thoughtfulness helped to ease my pain. 

Your skids are cold, uncaring people and, as far as I’m concerned, your husband should have insisted that they make an effort to, at least, send you a sympathy card! No doubt, if you had failed to acknowledge one of the major events in their lives, they’d have been deeply insulted. So, you’ve had that last slap in the face that woke you up to reality and have realized that doing anything for them is like pouring your consideration down a rat-hole. That’s a sad but necessary lesson to learn (((HUGS)))

I am so sorry for your loss and hope your recovery is going well. {{{hugs}}}

Don't give them any more energy than they give you. Treat them like coworkers: be polite, but impersonal. The steps are adults. Ridiculous that they cannot express the tiniest bit of sympathy - that's called Manners.