Totally Off Topic: Partners who eat poorly

I can't post this on Reddit because I'm identifiable. I have been struggling with this for a long time, but especially over the past year.

My DH is a crap eater. It's gotten worse over the years, especially recently. I work hard to be healthy. It's to the point that we often eat separate meals. We'll eat together when I make steak or sea bass or some other expensive fish. He'll eat certain chicken dishes. Otherwise, I'm making salmon or chicken or veggie-based dishes as well as soups or salads for myself. He no longer cooks for the both of us because it is all fried foods or over-baked dried out chicken. I do not exaggerate. It's ugly.

Meanwhile, I think DH goes through fast food drive thrus about twice a week, regularly brings home desserts like chocolate cake, ice cream, etc., and likes to eat at restaurants a lot, usually ordering wings and fries or burgers. I'm all for moderation. This is not that.

I've asked him not to bring home that extra piece of cake for me, that extra bottle of wine, that ice cream flavor that only I like. But it's like he wants a partner in crime. I can see that occasionally, but none of this is occasional. So, I have an issue with temptation that he knowingly puts before me (which pisses me off and I need to handle this) but the bigger issue is that DH has been eating so poorly since his health crisis last year--it's almost as if he has given up or is unconsciously suicidal. He does see a counselor but I don't think he's honest with her about everything, which defeats part of the purpose.

I guess in an odd sort of way this, too, rolls back around to skid issues because I wonder if all of this is wrapped up in a larger issue related to ADD and depression (for which he takes meds). I'm confused. I don't have control of his health but I do have control of mine. Sometimes I feel like I'm watching him destroy himself. I guess I need to tell him that.

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Comfort food

I'm guessing he's eating comfort food following his health crisis. It doesn't make sense, I know. My DS, after having serious heart problems then the install of a heart monitor, is doing the same thing. He knows it's wrong but can't stop.

I also have a DH who wants an eating buddy. Like you, I'm careful to eat healthily due to health and weight issues. He's constantly bringing me food and wanting me to eat more with him. It's not junk cuz I don't buy it but it's excessive food. I realize he's bored and a little lonely tho he doesn't want to go see others. The only place he wants to go is fast food or the casino, ie, excessive food or money

Sigh...

I don't feel so "alone."

I don't feel so "alone." Thank you. I think comfort food has a lot to do with it. Probably helps anxiety. Sigh.

You describe my DH too. I

You describe my DH too. I make a salad, he makes grilled cheese. Baked chicken for me, pasta with jar Alfredo for him. He might have a protein smoothie if I'm having one. You get it.

Typically we'll eat dinner together, and I usually cook, so I can control that and sneak veggies into the meal. It's like cooking for a toddler, and I'm a bit of a foodie trying new recipes. If he doesn't like a meal, he makes a pbj--it doesn't hurt my feelings--it's a HIM issue.

But most days, he gets fast food, donuts, ice cream if he goes out for any reason. At least he's stopped bringing "surprises" home for me.

And he has serious health issues including diabetes. But bad food habits are deep seated, with a mental health component, I am convinced of that.

I can't control what another adult does. But I do control most of the groceries and at least one meal a day. He doesn't complain, fortunately. It does make my commitment to my own health difficult some days.

And it's frustrating.

Oh, yes, "we" went through a

Oh, yes, "we" went through a horrible donut phase here.

And he has serious health issues including diabetes. But bad food habits are deep seated, with a mental health component, I am convinced of that.

Scary! I think you are right.

I'm the "worse" eater in my

I'm the "worse" eater in my relationship, but only by a little. My SO can't have any extra weight or he becomes diabetic so he actually eats only meat and vegetables and a little fruit. It drives me crazy when he fusses at me for eating carbs but it would really drive me crazy to live with someone who only ate fried foods. Maybe try making your good food with a nice presentation and go on about how good it is while he eats his brown greasy stuff?

Like Merry, I like to try new

Like Merry, I like to try new things and have fun with food. The more unique the dish, the further away he steps from it. I can't even get him to taste things.

I would suggest leading by

I would suggest leading by example. I really do eat pretty healthy and am not overweight, but i sympathize with the "junk food junkie" comparison to alcoholism. When stressed, sometimes a (large) bowl of ice cream is what i reach for. And last night, i was eating some leftover Halloween candy and my SO grabbed 3 of my 4 mini Reeses cups and said "You don't need more than one." I think my head spun around and in a demon voice I pointed to the drink in his hand and said "YOU don't need more than one!" Then i got my 3 back and added 2 more cups. But this morning i woke up with the worse hangover of the 2 of us and realized, since i didn't drink, that it must have been the candy and i'm firmly back on the wagon. For now! Emphasize the positives of a healthy diet and maybe he will want to change.

Oh lord, never put a bag of

Oh lord, never put a bag of mini tootsie rolls in front of me. I become an animal.
I've continued to go to the gym while he has slacked off. We talked earlier and he said he's going to go back 3 x a week starting tomorrow. Now for the eating part. Wish me luck!

My parents have a similar

My parents have a similar blend to you and your SO. Dad eats anything and everything he wants. is thin works out like a fiend, and is very healthy. Mom is a carb junky and a Southern cook of phenomenal talent. She is militant that a "balanced" diet is the healthiest though to her a "balanced" diet includes tons of baked goods with every meal, potato, rice, corn, etc, etc, etc with meat and green veg. Modern science is lost to her since the only thing actually healthy in what she considers a balanced diet is the meat and green veg but only if it does not have sweet sauces, marinates, dressings, etc.... Dad has primarily meat and green veg and a couple of tablespoons of her other culinary magic. She gets all irritated that the scones, muffins, cookies, pies, an occasion cake, home made bread, etc... she makes by the mounds go uneaten. Dad will have maybe one scone a week, a cookie or two a week. Mom gets stubborn and will then start eating only the baked goods after a few days until they are all gone. Then... goes into a baking-gasm for days. That cycle goes on ad infinitum. She bakes tons of stuff for my, my dad, my brother and his kids and their families though none of them will take the stuff with them which hurts mom's feelings. Not that they are being mean, they just tend to nave one or two and love them, then not take the packages she puts together for each family home. They are all reasonably health and weight conscious and know that scarfing down mom's magic is detrimental to their clothing sizes.

DW and I tend to throw away a notable amount of food. Which is why we do almost daily shopping only for primary ingredients we intend to prepare and eat same day or the next day. Note I said "intend". We do not always make that happen. I usually make an exta serving for DW to take to work for her lunch though that often gets thrown away because her firm will buy lunch fairly regularly.

Bakinggasm ROFL

Bakinggasm *ROFL*

Getting some healthy dinners

Cuts down on the unhealthy junk food latter in the night. If he didn't eat healthy he would be eating more unhealthy food so you are helping him. If he's on a suicidal by food mission. Only he knows

I think you need to gently

I think you need to gently tell him that although you respect that he takes comfort from food, his food choices aren't yours, so don't bring any home because you won't be eating it. He may want a partner in crime but the sooner he stops doing this, the better for his health, and yours!

Stratic

If he knows you won't eat the "extra" he brings "for you," guess who gets even more goodies?

I think it's strategic, in addition to wanting a junk Food Buddy. A lot of people are actually alcoholics but with food, not alcohol. It's more socially acceptable to be heavy/obese than to reek like booze & slur your words, drive drunk, etc. Both are killers, but one is legal to all ages.

While you can 100% quit alcohol and abstain, food is a tiger you have to let out of the cage three times a day. So in that regard, people who are using food in an unhealthy way have a super-difficult path to positive change because they continuously have to make food & quantity decisions, every day.

You're right, StepUltimate

Food can be an addiction, like alcohol, drugs or gambling. Same effect - makes a change to emotions, feels good. This topic has been big in my life watching my 300 lb sister, J, eat herself to death. Like everybody, she knew what she should and shouldn't be doing but her depression was stronger than her common sense. Her death certificate mentioned a secondary cause, a syndrome where her lungs couldn't expand enough, I'm guessing from all the fat (can't recall the name).

My family was the "clean up your plate" kind with mandatory helpings of everything. All 4 of us kids have struggled with eating issues but poor J lost the struggle.

Morbid obesity with alveolar

Morbid obesity with alveolar hypoinflation maybe. That's one i see in my work.

Our family growing up was take what you want, eat what you take

I learned some painful lessons on making sure that my eyes were not bigger than my stomach.

So true

Ugh!

I get this because my husband is not the healthiest eater either. He is a great cook and does most of the cooking, so I eat small portions. He is a little 'fluffy' and I am very small...he has not made the correlation between our eating habits and our sizes. I take lunch to work and make very healthy choices when not in his presence. He has treats at work and when not in my presence. I wish he would do better, just because I love him and I want him alive and healthy, but I know that it is not up to my wishes. I do try to cook healthy choices and make healthy side dishes to go with our meals. That is about all I can do.

This is a tough one. I understand it from both sides.

I have made no secret that I am a long term T-1 diabetic. Next month will be the 44th anniversary of my Dx.

"Just can't stop" is a real thing. Particularly when it comes to Carbs. Carbs have very similar impact to endorphins as many opiates have and for specific genotypes they are absolutely addictive. I am one of those. So is my mom, and so is my DW for that matter. My entire IL clan is. Most notably my BIL1's bovin bride. She went low carb and lost over a 100lbs. She still had another 100 to go. Her whole family refused to do it with her so... she gave up. It is so sad. She knows full well what it takes to be successful but just shrugs it off. They are a pasta, sweets, cook it quick family. That nearly killed out eldest niece who was always very trim but sickly. She was Dx'd with Crones disease in her late teens. Her family diet is deadly to her, but.... she will not avoid those foods and eats herself into the hospital fairly regularly. Of course the whiny crap from BIL1s family is that meat and fresh foods are so expensive!!!. I finally had to give them a breakdown on how much an extended degradation metabolic illness followed by a funeral costs. They did not appreciate that at all. My FIL was the optimal case study for that sad progression. They doubled down on the unhealthy model with their usual superiority prideful strong independent agriculture family mantra. Interestingly, their two youngest DDs (adopted) have far more willpower and far less of a genetic predisposition to the dietarily caused metabolic conditions. They can minimize their portion sizes and go for the meat far more than the blood glucose bomb foods and piles of pasta, etc.. that the rest of the family eats.

Fortunately I am the only one with this disease. My "deal" with the supreme being is that I have the family health ailments and diseases while everyone else is healthy. So far, that "deal" has held with the exception of standard aging related things for mom and dad and my SIL's Brca gene breast cancer challenges.

My DW and I struggled for a very long time on the "keep the crap out of the house" topic. She was convinced that she needed carb focused foods or she felt like crap. Those foods basically kill me... one bite at a time. I tried forever to get her to not buy and keep those things in the house as it was next to impossible for me to not eat them. "Just don't eat it" is not really an option for those with the "thrifty genotype". I am one of those. So I am not only a T-1 diabetic I am a "double diabetic" if I do not diligently go Nazi on no/low carb as my way of eating. Do some reading on the Thrifty Gene Hypothesis for some interesting information on population and sub-population genetic tendencies towards metabolic diseases. Basically, humans evolved for a hunter gatherer environment where the base nutritional intake was on the hunter (meat) side and seasonally on the gatherer side when complex CHO wild grains and fruits were available rather than the mass produced far less complex carbs grains, corn, potatoes, rice, etc... that we have today. Basically a fat to thin annual cycle. There is a very interesting photo study in the early years of photography where a photographer lived with the Pima Indians in the Salf River valley (Phoenix AZ) that shows a people basically lean and sinewy for 9mos of each year then fluffier in the spring/summer. They would carb load putting on body fat during the grain/fruit seasons which would help them through the lean late fall, winter, early spring starvation cycle where they ate mainly wild game. Now, 100% of the adult population of Pima Indians is diabetic. When they were shifted to the BIA corn fed diet they all grew fat and diabetic. Not their fault, they evolved that way. Another interesting study was an early nutritionist who lived with the Inuit above the Artic circle eating nothing but protein and fat (whale, walrus, seal, and bear blubber) with the very limited exception of Kelp and tundra berries seasonally. Almost zero instances of inflammation as CHO generally causes high levels of inflammation. So, almost no instances of inflammation related medical conditions, no heart disease, no diabetes, etc.... Until... the BIA started the corn and wheat diet shift in the traditional indigenous lifestyles.

For us, health was challenging until my DW chose to join me in a low carb way of eating lifestyle. Having it in the house was hell for me. On medical advice I went on the Ideal Protein program. My MD, whose DH is a T-1, had gone on it with her DH and lost a ton of weight very quickly. My DW accompanied me to my first comprehensive physical in a very long time. She and my MD spoke in detail about dietary health, etc... and how a household/family with a T-1 in it required that everyone in the home and family/live a lifestyle healthy for the T-1 or outcomes are exceptionally negative for the T-1 and interestingly even negative for those who do not have a genetic predisposition to metabolic disease. My DW asked my Doc if it would be better for her to join me in a no/low CHO lifestyle. The Doc made it clear that "yes" was the answer. Then she told us that as soon as we left her office to go down the hall, take the 3rd door on the Rt into the IP office and get on the program. That was seven years ago, nearly 200 Lbs ago (between the two of us) and a an incredibly, energetic healthy bonding experience for us. In a very short time she went from low energy yet not feeling well eating her high carb breakfasts to bouncing off of the walls with energy feeling great, and amazed that I was right all along. We instantly got rid of anything and everything high carb in our home. No cereals, no chips, no, nothin....... No wheat flour, pasta, potatoes, rice, corn, or sugars in any form. Though a 5Lb bag of sugar does show up once every couple of years for the humming bird feeders. We of course do not torture the little feathered rodents with artificial zero nutrition sweeteners. Humming birds would not make good diabetics. That is my DW's sole deviation from the no carbs in the house period, dot mantra. But, we do not use it for us at all.

Anyway, not an easy thing to navigate in families. Particularly when one of them has the "sweet kid/adult" disease to deal with.

Oh, i totally believe the

Oh, i totally believe the evolutionary theory about tending to gain weight. I've always been thin but i'm aware that in ancient times of famine, the bigger among us would have been dancing on my grave after i was the first to starve. I guess we have to keep evolving.

I was thin, long muscled, and

I was thin, long muscled, and very fit in my teens and early to mid 20s. Stress due to a crap marriage and a career as a restaurateur tipped me into the flubbery 10yrs after my T-1 Dx. As soon as my XW moved out, I very quickly made my way back to the lean, fit, sinewy muscle side of the balance sheet and stayed there until I was in my early 30s. Since then, it has been a cyclical thing between morbidly obese and fit though bigger than I should be.

As a T-1, had I been born 50 years earlier I would have almost certainly been dead bwithin weeks of my DX. Likely before turning 17. Prior to the discovery, isolation, and market availability of insulin (Beef, Pork, Bovidae) , someone with 0 percent insulin production, would begin to fail within 12 to 24 hours. Within 24 to 48 hours, they'll be in DKA. Beyond that, mortal outcomes would likely occur within days to perhaps a week or two. I was Dx'd about 2mos before my 17th birhday. So, likely no 17th B-day for me in those days.

This is why those who refuse to engge in managing their disease irk me to no end. They torture themselves for no reason and worse. They torture those who love them forcing those loved ones to watch them die a slow and nasty death. Rotting body parts, blindness, etc, etc, etc.....

Same here

Chef brings home lots of booze, desserts and steak, oil and garlic pasta and cooks for a friggin ARMY even though there are just the two of us. I did take over the kitchen between rental rehabs, which was great but he's back in the kitchen again with the boatloads of food and horrendous kitchen messes!

I think they also have toddler mindset. In addition the hurt from PASed out skids causes them to self soothe AND they want you to be out of shape so you "won't go anywhere." Chef was resentful a few years back when I lost 35 lbs which was an absolute climb up the Matterhorn for me. He said absolutely nothing and tried to sabotage me at every turn.

Me, too

I tell DH I can't eat all his stuff and maintain my weight. He says, "I like you with a little weight". Believe me, I already have plenty of weight, lol. Besides, he's lying cuz I know how he feels about fat women.

Sometimes, our partners

Sometimes, our partners sabotage us.. maybe because they want to excuse their own poor habits.. so he brings things you find hard to resist.

So.. in your case.. it's not just his poor eating but he does things that cause you to deviate from your diet. I might have a direct conversation.. asking that he specifically NOT bring home things for you.. and when he does.. I would bin it immediately.

I love your idea of trashing

I love your idea of trashing it immediately. I have asked multiple times that he leave me out of the bad food purchases. He always goes back to it. But actions might very well speak louder than words here. Thanks.

My DH eats like a 12-year-old

My DH eats like a 12-year-old boy and doesn’t do any type of physical activity other than move from the couch to the chair and back. He’s on several medications for high BP, pre-diabetes, asthma and allergies. I don’t really cook anymore since we are all on different schedules, but when I do I make food it's what I enjoy eating and figure he can either eat some, starve or go make one of his high sodium microwave meals. I learned a while ago it’s not my job to manage my DH’s health, he is a grown man, and his learned helplessness routine is tired and worn out.

That is scary and frustrating

That is scary and frustrating! What is it with these guys?!

Oh yes! I posted a lengthy

Oh yes! I posted a lengthy vent about it not that long ago. In May, DH was diagnosed as type 2 diabetic. He has cholesterol on the high end and had to have two colonoscopys. One was the take out a massive polyp. DH was scheduled to go for blood tests after four months to get checked on his progress, but he canceled his appointment to give him more time. I tried to help him but he eats like an asshole. We're talking about a man who won't eat brown eggs. I'm not kidding. He won't eat the same meal two days in a row, so forget leftovers even if he really likes something. He has this thing about food prep so forget that. He eats out everyday. He brought home instant rice cups that take one minute in the microwave and he found that too much food prep. He's back to hot dogs every day, processed food, instant meals in a cup and thinks that t throwing some processed chicken strips on top is helping him get his protein. It's so frustrating. I've been preparing for a long time of being a young widow. Even the kids make comments. DH works out constantly, so he thinks it undoes everything. It's hell when a family event is planned and it's at a restaurant because DH has to examine the menu days in advance so as not to be faced with "anything weird." If there isn't basic crap that a picky brat won't eat, DH makes an excuse to not attend.

It's funny because for years I thought that DH was feeding the SKs the Disneyland Dad Hedonistic Don't Leave Me Diet to my SKs. When DD24 was growing up, DH and I did not agree at all on feeding her. I ultimately told him to not ever feed her. He'd have crap waiting for her every single day after school. It drove me nuts. Now that all of the kids are grown, I realized that for DH it's not a Disneyland Dad issue at all. It's a him issue. I've tried to help him but I gave up. If he wants to be a 67 year old walking around with unmanged type 2 diabetes and high cholesterol, there's nothing I can do.

I have wondered if DH will be

I have wondered if DH will be around in 2 years. *sad*

DH and I eat pretty darn

DH and I eat pretty darn healthy overall and always have. However, DH used to have a really bad habit of snacking and especially late night snacking: chocolate, ice cream, chips were standard. He drank a lot of beer too, not every day but enough. He was boarderline diabetic, but knew how to keep just under that line; he also always exercised a lot. Then he had his crisis this summer. Has been seeing a therapist regularly since. His eating habits have improved greatly. We no longer have chocolate in large quantities in the cupboard, or half-gallons of ice cream, bags and bags of chips. Luckily I am not a snacker and these things don't tempt me (I used to have to hide chocolate from him on the odd times I would get some for myself, or he would 100% eat it). He'd get up in the middle of the night and eat too.

I couldn't really talk with him about it b/c he'd get defensive. All part of his issues that he wasn't dealing with, absolutely. I have had a chocolate bar in the cupboard for over a month now (I've not wanted to eat it yet) and he's not touched it. It's all about if he wants to improve. You can talk with him, but just be sure not to judge. If he gets you the "treats" then just don't eat or drink them. Repeat firmly that you do not want them. Hopefully he sees a doctor every year? This might help, but no guarantee...

He sees doctors on a regular

He sees doctors on a regular basis, as he had heart surgery last year, was diagnosed with diabetes and has struggled with high cholesterol. I think the diabetes and cholesterol are under control through medication. He isn't heavy but has definitely gained weight since last year.

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Totally Off Topic: Partners who eat poorly

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