I'm getting tired of myself complaining about the same struggles with SS. Feel free to walk on past this post if you have read my previous posts and don't want to repeat feedback you've already given. But it has been really helpful for me to process different developments in my blended family with you all. I don't know how I would have managed it otherwise.

SS has had new developments recently. All of his friends left town for college. He was really the only one among them that didn't do well in school. It was hard on him because SS saw his friends as a substitute family given that his mom is unreliable and his dad works so much and only sees him part time. I won't go entirely into it, but I think SS has tried to make two of his friends in particular his "special person" who he relied upon to act as his emotional support and favored person. But one of them became out of favor for some reason. Anyway, after they left, SS complained that he was feeling very lonely. But DH and I both hoped that this newfound loneliness would force him to be more independent. In the past, SS never wanted to do anything by himself which is why he never exercised, he doesn't have a hobby, probably has never read a single book outside of class requirements (and maybe not even then), much less just given himself some space for introspection and down time. SS seems to have done with his newfound time what DH hoped, and is actually doing well - he's getting good grades, jogging regularly, is super cooperative, and isn't making demands for money and favors and acting with arrogance as he did almost right up to when his friends left.

Less dramatically, I've seen SS shift in personality before. I suspect he's personality disordered, or maybe he's made a real change? Some people think that all teens are personality disordered, so maybe that was all. Like most people, I want to give others the benefit of the doubt. It is very reasonable to now believe that he's made lasting changes. I do know that the teen years are really tough, and not indicative of future behavior. So I am yet again struggling with how much I should forgive and try to build something with SS or harden my resolve to keep my distance and protect myself.

SS who is now 18 has been nasty and mean to me for several years now. Probably the only time we got along was the first year. It was pretty easy given that I was always bringing treats over, acommodated his preferences, making plans for all three of us, etc. But DH and I went to a concert once on a night when SS (who was 14 or 15 at the time) wanted to spend time with his dad. When we got back that night, SS asked his dad if he could ask me to leave, and almost from that exact moment, SS became hostile, vindictive and aggressive against me. DH did ask me to leave, but he promised me that that he would never ask that of me again, and he kept his promise.

In general, SS was a troubled child and teen. In middle school, the adminstrators told BM and DH that they thought SS had conduct disorder. He has been manipulative, deceitful, he has stolen from DH, and has done very shady things, like trying to pass off counterfeit goods as authentic to sell. At 16, SS was seeing a therapist who frequently cautioned DH and BM that SS needed more constraints and boundary setting, and that he "wouldn't always get away with it." DH doesn't tell me all the things SS "gets away with", so not sure what that meant.

But within a month of all of his friends moving away this past summer, SS has become super compliant, polite, doesn't raise his voice, doesn't push back on requests (to walk the dog, etc.) He's getting good grades in school, and has a part time job that he's pretty much always on time for. If he's turned a new leaf, shouldn't I be supporting that and cheering him on? Instead, I am skeptical and do not atll feel like celebrating him. Now that SS is behaving nicely, I can no longer use that as an excuse. I'm just no into it. I feel awful that I'm not rooting for SS, but I think in my heart and mind, I am not fully able to forgive SS's past deeds. By the way, I express support for SS in words, but I don't really mean it.

I wondered aloud to DH whether it would help the situation if SS apologized for his past behavior. But neither of us think that SS would do that, and I'm not even sure how that would even work.

More importantly, I don't know if tha's what I even want. I suspect that SS is still doing underhanded things. He's still lying for sure, but is not as manipulative. And this is something that I feel bad about accusing him of, but I suspect that SS is still "hacking" his dad's amazon account. DH had changed his username and password in the spring, and the "hacking" stopped. I previously posted about how in August, we were ordering delivery on dh's phone, and when it was SS's turn, he took the phone into his room and held onto it for a long time until DH insisted on getting his phone back. All of a sudden, SS remembered the restaurant's name that he wanted, and gave the phone back. But funny enough, starting in September, DH got "hacked" again, and was billed for about $400 worth of charges from $20-$190 a pop. As far as I know, you can't break into an individual account on Amazon unless you have the user name and PW. DH created a new email just to use for the Amazon account, so I don't know how someone could have obtained that unless they had access to his phone. Ahem. If you read my previous posts, you would also know that SS has stolen from his dad in the past. For the first time ever, I actually confronted DH with the elephant in the room, and told DH that I suspected SS. DH called SS, and asked, quote, "I know it's been a long time since you've done something like this, but did you charge up my Amazon account?" SS denied it, and that was enough for DH. DH didn't want to talk about it further with me because he is highly sensitive about any suggestion that SS is a "bad kid".

But it is so hard to believe that the SS I see now who is quiet, compliant, and conforming to social standards could be capable of violating his dad who loves so much. My mind just cannot sit with this notion.