Purge step kids stuff or have them do it?
For the past year, we have been intending to have SD go through her toys here because she has so many she hasn't played with in so long. But we always forget until she's not here. We have considered going through her room ourselves, but don't want SD to feel a type of way especially with having a new baby sister here.
What have others done? SD likes to hold on to anything and everything so don't know which is better. Feel like going through her room with her is probably better and tell her she can't get any new toys until we do so to make room for them because otherwise I see it being a hard battle. She had such a hard time letting go of one item to go into the camp time capsule. Idk if it's because she has her own room and her own stuff here where she shares everything at BMs.
- NotYourAverageStepMama's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
What I did with mine was to
What I did with mine was to go through their bedroom with 3 bags, 1 to throw out (broken, etc.), 1 to give away, 1 to keep (this is essential). You can discuss things with her but her decision is final. You can repeat as often as you want but I'd limit it to once per visit. The pount is to get rid of as much junk as possible without upsetting her. It gets easier as you go along.
PS
Don't let her linger over things, snap decisions are,what you want, discuss only when there's a problem.
Yeah this is a good idea!
There have been some helpful ideas on here on using the 3 bag system and other things to encourage the purge. Thanks!
PPS
This doesn't work with husbands for a variety of reasons (inability to make snap decisions for starters). This is why we (all 3 of us girls) use the 3 bag system when he's not here. It only backfired once. We filled 15 (YES! FIFTEEN!) bags of junk from the cellar and piled them into my car to take to the sorting centre. Well, that's when he came home and insisted on going with me to help. Well, at the centre, the manager told me I had to open the bags before throwing the stuff into the skip. I hadn't bargained on him seeing his precious hoarding before they went. I swear there were tears in his eyes...
FIL hoarded in the 3 car garage growing up so
DH actually hates when he feels like any bit of hoarding is going on. Actually to the point I have to remind him to not throw certain stuff away because we WILL 100% use something so why throw it away to spend money on it new when there is nothing wrong with it. LOL.
"You want to get rid of my
"You want to get rid of my stuff? You monster!!!" - clutches pearls
LOL
exactly what we don't want to happen. Somehow it got brought up and SD knows that eventually DD will have the bigger of the 3 extra bedrooms. We purposefully put SD in the middle of those bedrooms so that she could always stay in that room. The smallest was my office until it turned nursery and now the biggest is the guest room and my office. At some point whether it is DD is bigger/older or we have another bio, DD will be moving into the larger bedroom. SD has already brought it up and I told her it isn't happening anytime soon.
With my bios at that age I
With my bios at that age I would pay attention to what they played with and what they didn't. The stuff they didn't got purged and usually they didn't notice.
This is what I do
Obviously I don't get rid of their most favorite prized possessions but kids outgrow things. My 10 year old doesn't play with Paw Patrol or Dora the Explorer anymore. I get rid of the things she doesn't play with and has outgrown and she never ever ever notices or complains. I used to try and keep everything and let me tell you that was a disaster and was making their rooms so messy. Use the Marie Kondo method. Does it still spark joy? Two years ago she was really into Squishmellows. I haven't heard anything about Squishmellows and is now into Hello Kitty. I'm aboutt to ask her, "Do you still want all those Squishmellows? Do you want me to donate them to make room for Hello Kitty?" Dollars to donuts she is going to say, "I don't really like Squishmellows anymore."
Lol, I like the question of
do you want me to donate them to make room for "x"? That way it gives SD a choice on which she would rather have especially when it is something that isn't used or played with anymore.
We always told SS12 that he
We always told SS12 that he needed to purge around Christmas. We told him, in the spirit of the season, and to make room for his Christmas gifts, he needed to donate his old toys, clothes, etc. to those who needed it more than he did. He always enjoyed doing this and was willing to give up stuff he didn't use anymore. We set a rule that he had to purge as many items as he was receiving for Christmas. If he got 10 gifts one year, he had to purge 10 toys/things he didn't want/use anymore - and no, it wasn't 10 individual items like 10 hot wheel cars or 10 LEGO blocks. We meant 10 full toy sets, board games, etc. Typically, he would purge more than he received anyway, once he got to work cleaning everything out.
Every summer, we would go through his old/too small clothes and purge there as well, donating to the local DV shelter, to make room for new clothes that fit him.
By allowing SS to do it, it helped him feel in control of his things. We did set a minimum of things he had to purge, so he didn't keep everything, but he was always pretty good about it. We never purged anything without him there to prevent us from accidentally getting rid of something he really wanted.
I would close the door and wait until SD comes back. Make it a priority for her to do at the next visit.
Yes
With Christmas coming on, I'd discuss all the poor kids who dont have toys. I bet she will respond.
Side note: DH saved some of YSS54's "treasures", old sports magazines. They are in a box in the basement. YSS several years ago declined them. I'm slowly pitching them, one at a time, as I go down to do laundry.
Yeah that does sound like a good idea
We can use the same method, but use her birthday as the reason since she is not with us this Christmas. I just really hope she doesn't want to try and "save" everything for DD. While it is sweet, I am not saving everything she has outgrown for DD. Nice clothes she outgrows? Yes, definitely. Nice toys that have all their pieces? Sure, on some things.
I would go through things now
I would go through things now and then, but as YSD got older, I left it up to her, and told her so, to let me know what she needed to get rid of or to put it in a bag in the laundry room. Did that ever happen? NO. DH didn't like me teaching her life skills (and he acknowledges this error now) so she had no idea how to sort for donate/keep/trash. When she cleaned our her room this summer DH had to walk her through it because, as he said, "She's never done sorting before, or donated anything." Sigh. So when the donation stuff was bagged and before we headed to the donation center I said, let's make sure we're all set, and I dumped everything out of the bags. Yep, there were dirty clothes, destroyed shoes, unusable old toys (broken or painted on), etc. I gave her a lesson in sorting/cleaning before donating and that was that. So yes, try to teach her. Mark it on your calendar. Make it a fun thing - i.e. nice to clean things, feels good to give good things to those who need it, etc.
Oh gross!
SD does keep her room very clean and organized which impresses me that she knows exactly where things are unless DH or I move it even when she goes months without being here. I feel like it would be best to tell her she has to make room for new things she will get for her birthday might motivate her to purge things more easily. We have purged her stuff before, but that was years ago. At 8, I feel like she definitely can make decisions on those things better.
I wold do a one and done.
I wold do a one and done. When she is there go with the above 3bag system. She either participates of tell her that you will get rid of everything she has not separated.
Then do it.
Catering to kids is never a good idea IMHO. Set the rules, enforce the rules. Period. Dot.
Not trying to cater to SD, but also want to make sure
she feels secure in our home with DD here now. From comments being made, it seems like BM has been working on SD and making her feel certain types of way since DD was born. So trying to do what needs to be done, but at the same time being aware that SD could feel replaced or displaced.
I always involved my SDs when
I always involved my SDs when I purged their stuff because I didn't want them to feel blindsided or like their stuff wasn't safe at our home. That being said, if something was clearly trash, they knew I would throw it away. Same with DD. They each had a binder and a "treasure box" to put little papers or keepsakes that might not look like anything special. That helped keep them organized and it contained the "hoarding" to a limited amount of space.
The three bag system above is great advice and that's how I've always gone through everything with all the kids. Agree that having them make a snap decision is important. Otherwise some kids will overthink and try to keep everything.
That makes sense. I threw away this like homemade
slime that she made at camp the week before fall break because in the container it was clearly moldy. Then when SD was here she made slime (which DH and I both hate slime), but it was part of this kit she got and she hadn't made it yet. Afterwards she asked where the slime was that she made at camp and I was like uh, yeah about that, it was moldy. Which followed by a series of questions. SD has claimed that stepdad has thrown away toys before so they hide things, so probably best to do it with her and have DH do the tough love on letting go of stuff. FIL had a hoarding problem in his 3 car garage when DH was growing up so DH very much is about making sure that doesn't happen
I did it in stelth mode. I
I did it in stelth mode. I removed objects that were not being touched or played with. I put them in a secure place and if by visit two they items weren't mentioned I removed them from the home and donated what I could.
THIS!!!!
Stealth mode is best
Haha, I just worry that stealth mode might
end up making SD feel a type of way especially with the new baby sister. Personally, I would like to do that because I think it is easier. But even over the summer SD played with Mr. Potato head which I haven't seen her do in YEARS. The other thing is her response to everything is to save for DD. Which we have already done for some of the nicer clothes SD has grown out of and then donated the rest to someone in need in our town. I am fine doing the same with toys, saving some depending on what it is, but then want to donate the rest.
SD is not stupid.
She knows her place in the family totem pole just went from the top to the bottom . What is a natural thing. Bio baby gets top of the pole. You as a bio mother will give your life. Take a bullet for your child. SD knows she's on her own. The old question. ""If your house is on fire ..and you may only have time to save one child..who will you save.?"
SD will be unhappy but that's life her parents are giving her. Parents as BM and BF, who divorce was more important that there kids