My spidey sense is activated.
Uh oh. DH is showing signs of Father of the Year regression. Two red flags just today.
We ran into a friend at lunch, who was upset about a rift with his adult son. So DH starts giving him "advice." I did not snort my drink out my nose, but it was close there.
I know he misses his kids. SD occasionally responds to a text message with one or two words. He is still banned from seeing her or her kids. SS has been without a job for months. He brags about the number of applications he's done and there is always one or two "really great" interviews coming up, and he always seems to get into the final pool of candidates but never gets the offer. I don't know the job market in his field, but at this point I'd be doing some serious reflection on how I present myself, but nothing is ever his fault so, no.
Then DH mentions to me that he might need to use some of "his" money to help out SS since he hasn't worked in so long. It really is "his" money so I can't stop it. It just means less of a retirement cushion for him and ultimately me/us. He doesn't "do" money so he'll have to ask me how to access it. At least we will have a conversation about limitations and expectations.
My spidey sense is really flashing.
- Merry's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Then DH mentions to me that
If he does fork over money to ss, it it were me, I'd definitely have some strings and expectations attached such as
A loan. Hahahaha.
A loan. Hahahaha.
I once loaned DH money and he was surprised that I expected him to pay it back. He would never ask his kids to pay it back or work it off.
McDonald's is always hiring
McDonald's is always hiring if he needs a job to tide him over until he gets the job of his dreams. So your husband is going to give his inheritance to his son and his daughter will get none of it? Bet that will go down well...
See? That's what I think too.
See? That's what I think too. But I keep my mouth shut.
As someone who moved in order
As someone who moved in order to help take care of my mother, who was growing old and had some health issues, I still had to work. I knew my situation was temporary so, just to be able to pay my bills, I took a job that was a 50% pay cut for me and quite a step down all the way around. Honestly, I would have waited tables with a master's degree TO PAY MY BILLS. Therefore, I wouldn't stay quiet about this one. Time for SS to put on his big boy pants.
Too bad these entitled
Too bad these entitled Skidmarks didn't get a dime for every excuse or double standard they come up with. They'd be set for life and wouldn't have to worry about them trying to mooch. That's why I cannot feel that sorry for sd29 or even these people I see panhandling every day. The kicker is that they are begging in the center of a huge shopping center surrounded by retailers like Walmart. Home depot just to name a few. One of them must be hiring im sure.Not to mention a huge mall down the street..bus lines run directly to and from all these locations at all hours of the day and late into the night.. So there's really no excuse.so I don't want to hear it. There are some solutions out there. Meanwhile..people like SD would rather wallow because she says she doesn't have options like everyone else which is horse shit. There are options..she just wants to take the easy quick way out.
Unjust double standard ...
Unjust double standard ... has entered the chat
Don't forget late payment
Don't forget late payment penalties and interest. You know, like in the real world.
Sales tax, state tax, and
^^^plus the Sales tax, state tax, loan origination fee, and convenience fee
I like the way you think.
Lets not forget, higher interest rates due to the high credit risk that their low credit scores represent.
Separate finances?
I highly recommend the separate finances plan. Not sure how your situation is but this has really saved grief here. Like your SS, my SD63 is on financial thin ice - on disability, unemployed, poor money manager, has unknown debt plus she's a master manipulator of soft-hearted Daaadddee. My DH87's default statement after he cant deny her lies and misdeeds is "She has always been there for me". I cant shake this belief but I can put a boundary around how much money he gets and I do. I never question what he does with his "allowance". When we made this agreement, we also agreed he wouldnt put anything of hers on the charge, either. I guess I'm buying peace but I can live with this.
Well, MY money is separate.
Well, MY money is separate. He has no savings. He lives off a decent pension and social security. I have those things too, but have also saved my whole life.
"His" money is a smallish inheritance from his sister. We segregated that so he could give something to his kids when he passed, assuming he hadn't needed it first.
Otherwise, I manage household funds in a joint account, and we both can buy reasonable things for ourselves. He doesn't abuse it---anymore.
Don't you just love
All the parental advice to others from failed parents?
It was truly hilarious.
It was truly hilarious.
Delusion runs deep. Reminds
Delusion runs deep. Reminds me of SS visiting us several years ago after a drug conviction. We had some friends over. The conversation, unfortunately, turned to SS and his plans for the future. Neither DH nor SS, of course, would mention the arrest, even though our visitors were talking about the military and how SS could, after law school (well, THAT was off the table then) could join the military as an officer. LOL. Neither DH nor SS guided the conversation elsewhere. They stayed VERY engaged in it. I felt like I had entered the twilight zone--NONE of what they were talking about was possible after a "guilty" drug charge.
This conversation would have been hilarious had it not gone on for 2+ hours. I kept trying to change the lunatic subject to no avail.
Nope, no money directly to SS
Nope, no money directly to SS. Pay his mortgage or rent directly on a month to month basis until he gets a job. Or, order and pay for groceries to be delivered once a week. You pick the food. Do not give SS a choice. I would make it all frozen foods. Veggies, unprepared meats/proteins, etc... Or, pay the power, water, gas bill but only if provided the actual bill.
When these types are given cash, odd things like new tattoos tend to show up just after their crying gets them money.
I have a cousin who stupided herself out of a college education doing just that. Her GPs were paying for her education when she got a new tattoo just after her tuition was paid for the semester and she got her living stipend for the semester. Done, not another Cent did she get from her GPs (my Aunt). She is in her early 30s now and has finally gone back to school. But, no money from my Aunt. Even 10+ years after the tattoo stupidity. I have no issue with tattoos. Just not with my money or with money someone is providing as support. I go as far as to say no tattoos as long as you are getting support since that support has to be freeing up resources being used for tattoos. Pay for your art yourself, with your own money once you are fully self supporting.
My SIL is another one. Crying, begging for money to feed her kids, or save her home from foreclosure, or a car from repossession. Then.... poof.... a new tattoo. The bullshit is always commemorated with a new tattoo.
Or my DW's favorite cousin who needed rescuing to get away from an "abusive" DH. Then... she takes a beach vacation with her HS besties. That is what pissed my DW off to no end. That is the Unicorn cousin who was her closest relationship in her BioDad's family. DW's BioDad was killed in a car accident a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with DW. Unicorn passed about 2 years ago of a rare cancer. Her demise was long and brutal. Her loss still tears DW up. I have to be very careful when she is going through a grieving cycle regarding the Unicorn cousin. DW is fully aware that Unicorn was a liar and scam artist. She came to DW many times for loans (never paid back), rescue money for some crisis (used for beach vacations or some other bullshit), requests for cosigning school loans, etc.... After two instances of cash injections that were either not paid back as agreed or used for bullshit treats rather than the claimed crisis, DW never again said yes to the Unicorn's money scam requests.
I take the helping thing and the related fee fees of "I have to hep my babyyyyyyyyy!" crap with a grain of salt and with very little trust. It has to be an extremely desperate situation, to the point of starvation, or freezing in the winter during a blizzard, etc..... before I would consider helping. My DW is is more prickly about it than I am with her own family. She knows how much we have busted our butts for the life we have built together. She will not throw good money after bad.
We've been down this road
We've been down this road once before when SS was self-medicating. That's exactly what we did--direct payments to merchants/services. DH had a real hard time about SS lying to him, but that's what addicts do. SS has been clean 8+ years, and I pray he doesn't relapse.
Once trust is broken to that
Once trust is broken to that level, it has to be difficult to trust him. Even adding kids, etc... likley does not erase the violation of trust after something that deep.
I hope he stays sober and earns continued trust.
Giving advice... haha my
Giving advice... haha my husband always thinks he's the best parent too. He always going on about how he "raised Little Idiot right". He doesn't know the half of the cr@p she does and I bet your husband doesn't either re. his own son.
And the lofty goals? That's relatable too. Little Idiot always is just one step away from success. Nothing ever pans out of course but you gotta keep giving Daddy hope so he won't bail on you. Keep telling him the next great job (or in Little Idiot's case, degree) is right around the corner.
There are so many jobs out there
They don't pay well. But 60 hours a week at minimum wage is stilly money. $600 a week is $2400 a month. And will still have time to do job interviews.
It is even higher at minimum
It is even higher at minimum wage in many areas. $15/hr is more than the equivelent base salary of my first job after completing my BS in Engineering. Granted, that was 30 years ago. IMHO gov't has no place in private sector business including anything to do with wages. Pay is dependent on qualifications and performance. Perform, and earn. Fail to perform, earn far less or ..... expect not to get or keep a job. When these types create their work history they also create information that can have life dooming consequences. Crap credit scores, that show up in pre employment background checks, a history of short tenure with employer after employer.
Something I am seeing the consequences of. in my 36+ year career I have worked for 9 different employers. One for 12 years. One for 8yrs. One for 5. The shortest is 3mos. The last 6yrs I have worked for 3 different companie. This does not include 2yrs of consulting during peak Covid. Life and careers are long games that sadly many young people today are going to cause long term struggles for themselves with the choices they make early. If they are not careful.
Pretty simple.
Quality companies and professional industries are starting to lose their patience with the time blind, buried in credit card debt, hours long lunch, 40hr a week young people. Many unskilled workers will find themselves competing for jobs with educated underemployed people who burn their opportunties. At some point, the paradigm will shit in ways that workers will not like when employers learn that they own no one a job. Jobs are a positive by product of business. Business does not exist to employ people. Business exists to make money for owners by serving a product or service market. Nothing more complex than that.
There is no emotion in it, there is no real consideration of the personal situations of employees. It really is just business.
As a former business owner, and a manager/leader in business for decades, I care very much about my people. However, I also recognize that they are paid to performa a job. My duty is to ensure they have a safe place to work and have what they need to do their job. I will listen, I will mentor, I will advise. I will facilitate access to education benefits. I will hold them accountable for their performance. Or lack of perfomance. As the case may be.
I hate firing people. Though I have never fired anyone. They fire themselves. What I hate beyond all else is having to RIF people for industry, company, or economic downturns, That, sucks. In my industries I have had to release hundreds of people over the years. I have been released myself. Through mass reductions, loss of contracts, etc...
It does suck.
All part of the reason why DW and I have always ensured we did not work in the same company or even in the same industry. When I have been between roles her career supports us. When my career offers huge upside international opportunities, my career supports us. Most often, be both work. In the 30 years of our marriage she was a SAHM the first 3yrs then worked a clerical job for 2yrs while she completed her undergrad. I worked for one company for the first 8yrs of our marriage. I got hit in the semiconductor industry implosion in the early 00s. I did consulting for a year before returning to my core career. DW was our primary income during that year. After my RIF year I was with the next company for 2yrs before resigning to go into my long term career. That was 20 years ago. While we were expats DW took a 7yr hiatus from professional employment. She did serve in Sr voluteer roles for international non profits. Treasurer for one for 4yrs, and CFO for one for 2 years. During peak Covid I was between RFT toles for 2yrs and did some consulting. DW was the sole consistent income. In the past 3.5 years I have had two periods between roles. One for 8mos and currently one for 4mos. DW's career is rocketing.
It is likely a major transition for our career focus. Her industry is extremelys table, a huge shortage of people. Mine being extremely specialized will far more likely than not shift my roles to either Gig assignments or short term culture transition roles. The money is great... when I am working.
So, having a sugar mama and being the chef/shopper/errand resource is just fine with me and apparently it is not overly an issue for my DW. Thankfully.