It's almost been a year. . . and "the little things" creep in AKA: Were you raised in a barn?
We are coming up on the one-year anniversary of DH's health crisis, when we let our guard down in desperation/concern and allowed the skids to come here "to help." It was the last time I saw them and definitely the last time they are ever setting foot in our home.
Prior to last year, I was at a place when I didn't replay skid shenanigans--certain things didn't remind me of crap they pulled. I need to get back to that place.
We belong to a local gym that had just been rehabbed and expanded. I had not yet been to the newer facility. DH, in his deep gratitude <eyeroll> and drug-induced frame of mind, handed over his car keys to SS (it was understandable that SS needed a car for various things, but of course he took this to another level and ended up out of the house quite a bit--when DH needed help--collecting camera-captured speeding tickets that were later mailed to DH to pay). On DH's car keys was his keytag gym pass.
SS decided that for his long "vacation," under the guise of helping his father, he was going to the gym every day. What he failed to decide was to ask if we could get a guest pass for him, which I would have arranged had I known his plans. Instead, SS attempted to check in at the gym every. damn. day. with DH's pass, and every. other. damn. day. got caught. SS was all p.o.ed about it, acting, of course, like how dare them catch him and make him pay--and I'm certain he expressed his upset to them. SS had to pay $15 each time he was caught--much more than a guest pass would have been, and a cost that further proved that the little ba$tad had $, which he was lying to us about as he moaned about being unemployed and broke.
SD then asked if she could use my gym pass. I said no.
Long story longer: We go to the gym a few times a week. At least once a week when I'm checking in, I see and speak with the one guy who SS said always caught him. This tiny bit of embarrassment has come over me in the past, and I have occasionally felt like I wanted to say, "I'm so sorry for my ahole SS who tried sneaking in without paying last year, and who was likely so rude to you," but I didn't and I won't.
The "issue" with all of that (well, one of them) is WE LIVE HERE. We regularly see/deal with the people SS was trying to scam. But when it comes to the skids, it's all about them all the time--no thought or care about decency. Ever. Their desire to continue to act like baboons, to use us, to behave in a manner of heightened disrespect of us at a very vulnerable and stressful time overshadowed their so-called desired to "help" and their "need" to see their father when he underwent a serious surgery. SS came here because he needed 3 weeks of mooch time, which he got and which was quite expensive for DH; SD came here to satisfy some weird emotional thing she has for the father she otherwise pretends doesn't exist. We learned a hard lesson. We decided that if another health crisis ever hits, we will just hire a home care professional. It will be cheaper and will be true help.
Again, I need to return to the mindset where little things don't trigger some skid replay of abhorrent behavior.
Disengage from all of this
SS Is not allowed in your home again. DH will not turn over car keys, gym passes ect. There motel 6 what SS pays for if he comes over to help
As far as I'm concerned, a
As far as I'm concerned, a Motel 6 within 60 miles is off limits, too! (Last year, I suggested an Airbnb near the hospital, a suggestion met with silence because it wasn't free with extra perks like food, cooking, and a car.)
That was a serious betrayal
That was a serious betrayal of trust. I admire how you've dealt with it all.
Thank you. Thank you for
Thank you. Thank you for stating what it was.
WOW...talk about being nervy
WOW...talk about being nervy and taking advantage of a situation. My DH and I have been regulars ourselves at a local boxing gym for a long time . I would be Mortified in your position as the last thing I would want is for anyone to think I had any hand in raising those so called adult skids. They must have been raised in a barn to have that kind of audacity.
I can actually imagine SD29 trying to pull off something like this if she had to desire to use our gym, since for her its usually whole give an inch then take a mile scenario. Plus she is all about getting anything she can for FREE even if she didnt earn it. I havent helped but notice how anytime she tries to show some Altrusism , is usually followed with her expecting something in return. Its not lost of me. Everything always comes back around to having to be about HER and whatever she needs no matter what. Funny how that works.
Maybe your SD and my SS
Maybe your SD and my SS should hook up! They sound exactly alike.
I would completely agree if
I would completely agree if SD wasnt already supposedly still "engaged" to her BF after I dont know how many years. There is nothing wrong with a extended engagement and not rushing it. Howver, in my SD;s case, I am wondering if that "poor" guy may be dragging his feet because he is mulling over some second thoughts before taking that full plunge with her crazy self.I know I would think twice and hesitate about going All in if I were him.
Unless he is just like her and your SS too. If not, SD might be back on the market soon.
You know.. I would have
You know.. I would have apologized for the kid anyway.. the employee didn't deserve the grief.. and it wouldn't be horrible for them to understand you don't support that kid's activities.
Maybe I will. I really like
Maybe I will. I really like the employee. In fact, I should point him out to DH and tell DH to apologize!
YEAH, DH needs to apologize
YEAH, DH needs to apologize not you - it's his kids and their bad behavior.
Speaking of decency, a few
Speaking of decency, a few years ago, SD1 (about 30 at the time) asked my husband to chip in to help her to pay for a birthday gift--a photo session for her sister, SD2. I later found out that the session was for SD1, SD2 and their mother! To make the matter worse, SD1 charged her dad $600 for his part of contribution. I checked the photographer's price online, and he only charges $300 for one session. My husband was scammed by his own daugther!
Holy $$$$!
Holy $$$$!
Wow..that is really low!
Wow..that is really low!
Scammed
You must have my husband's daughter captive. She has scammed him on several occassions and I've only been around 9 years . She wanted him to buy her a handbag from Bergdorfs and he agreed , but she made sure he didn't know the price and used the card that he gave her for college expenses ...$7000.00 later and not a word was said to her. The next was when he said she could spend 1000.00 for Christmas and when he looked at his statement , SHE SPENT 10,000.00 . When confronted , she told him that she had planned to return some of it . Entitled brats
Getting to that stage of mind again.
It's hard! I fully understand when you say you had reached a point where things didn't bother you. I am often at that stage myself.
But. Just like you discovered, life intervenes and once again we are thrust into situations where we have to deal with or think about the skid shenanigans. No matter how old they get! Then they have gskids and the cycle starts all over again.
Sadly, there is no way to completely disconnect our skid experiences in our brains. We can do mental gymastics to a certain extent but there will always be triggers which can cause issues to resurface.
Thanks for your understanding
Thanks for your understanding.This is why I steer clear of the grands. I have only met one (of three) and that was one time. I can't do another crap cycle with another generation.
I also steer clear of grands
I also steer clear of grands - luckily they very purposefully exclude me from pictures and everything else so that's my perfect reason to stay away. I'd have a harder time if they were guilting me but they think they are punishing me by withholding and I allow them to continue to think that so I don't get involved and deal with another cycle of this.
As for disengagement - sometimes we do get pulled back in, I fully understnd and then it's our job to realize this is bad and get out / disentangle. Don't beat yourself up for this - it's just a reminder that you have changed but they have not and will stay stuck.
Yea, I never receive any of
Yea, I never receive any of the multitudes of pictures and videos of the grands that flood DH's phone, although "they" tried to rope me in for baby shower gifts/cash grabs (long story). I don't beat myself up. . . except for not telling them and their mother to eff off (although my actions--or lack thereof--have gotten that message across). *biggrin*
How IRONIC @MorningMia! I was
How IRONIC @MorningMia! I was also pulled into baby shower/cash grab - I did NOT attend. I didn't even give a reason. Prior to the baby shower, SKID and bride pulled a bunch of passive aggressive stunts to let me know how much they do not see me as family...and NOW you are inviting me to this shower...ummmmm NO. I really feel we could trade SKIDs and quite literally we'd have the same playbook of actions happening- it's almost as if they have a playbook of how to be horrible human beings.
They invited me to the baby
They invited me to the baby shower of the first grand, knowing I would not travel there for it. They did NOT want me there; this was a move to, primarily, get gifts but also to say that they are civil to me, which of course is not true.
I shopped and mailed gifts well ahead of the shower date. Next thing I know, they have taken photos of ALL the shower gifts grouped together and they post these photos on social media. No matter the angle of the photos (and there were several), you could not see the gifts I sent. Why? Because they purposely did not include them with the others to be photographed. It was weeks before we even heard from SD that she had seen/opened the gifts, even though I had confirmed the delivery date.
This incident was typical of BM and SD, and I felt like a fool for falling for it. The following year, I received an email invite to the shower for Baby 2. I deleted it. I didn't receive an invite for the shower for Baby 3.
They have always laid out a carpet for me to step on, only to pull the carpet out from under me once I do step on it. When I react with either upset or ignoring, they act like I'm the bad guy. It's why I've needed to erase these people. There's no winning.
This is 100% TRUE. You and I
This is 100% TRUE. You and I are living examples / proof of this grandskid hypothesis tested and confirmed not just once but TWICE. The only difference is I didn't send a damn thing for the baby shower. It's taken me a decade+ but I've gotten wiser with this crap. I also do not think they wanted me to attend and of course I recieved the invite 2 weeks prior to the event (knowing that I do not live near by and would have to make arrangements.) I did not even consider mailing a gift because I know this garbage all too well- I had gifts and very kind gestures slapped in my face time and time again - I knew this was just another opportunity for nasty passive aggressive stuff.
So back to you- you did a very KIND thing. They wanted to hurt you - they wanted to show you how little they respect you. That's what that's all about. But it is NOT because you are not a valuable, wonderful, kind, and considerate human being - it is because they are deep down very ugly and this is the way it seeps out. I am so sorry for you @morningmia but glad that you got the message loud and clear.
Ugh!
You were wise to erase them. Yuck, who needs that nonsense? No one I can think of. But...I do think you are winning because you have acted with class and dignity, not stooping to the nonsense.
The (dreaded) baby shower....
I, too, was roped into the baby shower. Ugh! The invitations were asking the attendee for 3 gifts; different categories, but 1 for each category. Really, 3 of them! New wife, so I complied. I didn't end up going because of OSD. I even provided refreshments that I was supposed to be paid for...I wasn't. I spent aout $200; my money, not joint money.
When the thank you arrived it was addressed to both her father and I. I thought, "Hmmm, since when was her dad a part of this?" There were no men invited. The note remarked how nice it would be that we babysit! Oh my goodness!
The entitlement never ends....
Gift-giving and receiving
Gift-giving and receiving seems like a major part of the Crappy Skid Repertoire. Many years ago, when I would buy the skids gifts, they would look at DH and say, "Thanks, Dad!" When I cooked a meal, it was, "Thanks, Dad." He would correct them.
For birthdays and Christmas, I bought them separate gifts from me. They would give only DH Christmas presents (and never once acknowledged my birthday)--very male things that could not be mistaken for a joint gift for us--and he confronted them about excluding me, so they stopped giving him gifts. . . until a few years ago when SD needed to do a wedding cash grab (which didn't work out well for her), but she still couldn't bring herself to include me. She mailed a gift addressed to both of us, the gift was clearly for DH, and she wrote, "Your favorite!" on it. Last year, she did the same, and I mistakenly thought one thing she sent was for me and thanked her for it via text. lol. She quickly cleared that up with DH over the phone. She's such a little beetch. SS hasn't given or sent gifts--passive aggressive jabs or not--for years, but he will report to us the expensive gifts he buys for BM. Disturbed morons with misplaced anger. I just don't have any use for them.
I stopped gift giving (except for the relapse baby shower gift) in 2012, when they reached adulthood and I saw that the passive aggressive behavior was not stopping. I'm now done with giving them chances or opportunities to act like decent humans rather than the poop-throwing primates they are.
Haha!
"Poop-throwing primates"...I love it!!!
In your case, it really does sound like your steps are intentional. Sharing what they get for BM is just plain mean. There is no excuse for mean. I would be so embarassed if my kids did that. And I would set them straight! In YSD's case, I think she just doesn't know better. She should, she is 32! I don't think she has a mean bone in her body, she is painfully socially awkward and nobody corrects her social faux pas.
You would think that they
You would think that they would have taken the hint by now just by your actions, which speak louder than words ever could. But some just dont want to get the Memo. I'd love to tell SD to go get a quarter and buy a clue.
Wait a minute, You guys
Wait a minute, You guys actually got invites to your SD's Baby showers? I didnt get one for any of her kids! Might have gotten "lost" in the mail . Hehehe She ( rightfully) just assumed we wouldnt show up being that we never had the easiest or closest relationship. So, I didnt actually want to go anyhow, so I felt more relieved than offended.
I also feel better knowing that I am not the only evil SM who also has been careful not to get all that involved with the grands. The pesky feelings of false guilt still pop up here and there, so I needed this!
I had told my MIL, & DH to their faces point blank ( who had delivered the 1st preggo annoucement) that there was no way I was going to tolerate this becoming my problem.
Who in their right mind would think that I was going to volunteer to sign up for another rendition with any other generation to follow? Seriously????!!!!
Especially, when that same dysfunction and drama has been carried on right on cue
Why would I want to go through a Failed Family Attempt 3.0 after all the hell I went through already with SD ( FF 2.0 Version)
That doesnt mean that the pressures and guilt hadnt been laid out pretty thick by SD anyway. Even. 13 years later.
I knew it wasnt a matter of IF but WHEN she would start that up and holding my lack of involvement against me. Thats why I have been careful knowing its a slippery slope since SD is the type to just pounce on any shred of interest or crumb of compassion thrown her to her own advantage.and runs with it. I would rather not give her the opportunity.
I am also with Imperfect in that I ( at least) would actually prefer being the vililan in SD's story and thats its actually easier for me, as long as that gets me out of getting pulled into that shit show. . Thats why, quite frankly, I'd say her going back to thinking of me with at least indifference has an upside to it.
Little Type Amy - yep, you're
Little Type Amy - yep, you're right I am perfectly good with being the villian. I know exactly where this is all headed...and neither option looks appetizing. I will note that if you were highly involved - your SKIDs would be unhappy. If you remain uninvolved- your SKIDs would be unhappy. No matter what YOU do, your SKIDs will be unhappy with you. There is no win. The only win is to get away.
Yep. I proudly wear the "Evil
Yep. I proudly wear the "Evil Stepmom" badge with the middle finger. Both middle fingers. While my boundaries were always fairly good, I wish I had put this on many, many years ago. It would have saved a lot of hand wringing, arguments, self doubt, hurt feelings, wondering, and stress.
Way to go @morningmia - I can
Way to go @morningmia - I can picture you with both middle fingers up. I have a broom and a pointy hat...just missing the cat. I don a black cape and proudly fly at night.
@Morningmia, you can also
@Morningmia, you can also count me in on the middle finger salute time 2. IF i had more than that, I'd raise them too. THis Stepmom shit is for the birds.
I also have a a witch hat,
I also have a a witch hat, and old broom...I can include the Cat. Actually, with that being said, I am more like the Wicked SM per my pic, since I also would choose stay in bed with this cat instead of being bothered with my "Cinderellas" hands down.
Ha ! Me too....to be honest I
Ha ! Me too....to be honest I'd rather clean up after my pets throw up over and over again than have to spend time entertaining the SKIDs. As for the "cindrellas"....the tradional SKID handbook - male or female - is to do something horrifically mean and passive aggressive towards the stepparent and then "pretend" to be the victim of the evil stepparent.
....Oh NO! I totally trashed stepmom behind her back to everyone - EVERYONE look! Stepmom is scowling (because everyone fed into your bullsh** lies). She hates me! I have done nothing to deserve this! ***SKID turns around and lets out a low evil laugh****
I am with you about happily
I am with you about happily cleaning up after my dog and cat's business 1000 times a day if that meant I didnt have to feel pressured to cater to her. I actually LIKE my pets for one thing. And yes I have experienced that game of her playing victim to the SM.
She knew exactly what she was doing since I knew she was trying to drive a wedge between DH and I. Yet she still has the audacity to claim to want to "move forward" and sweep it under the rug like I was supposed to forget about it. She seriously expects that now. and Thats a hard pass for me. I can act forgiving, which I have towards her, but that doesnt mean I forgot anything. It also doesnt mean I want a total reconnection either. She still screams and cries whyyy
Another thing that really grinds my gears is knowing that I would never be expected to take that kind of shit from anyone else, but SD is supposed to be "special" and get a pass ( she is special all right..lol..if thats how you want to put it)
I'd bet my bottom dollar that if our places were reversed...in which I was causing problems between her and her fiance/ new husband the way that she has done to me, what are the odds that she would be so eager to "start over" from there? Why would she? Sure as shit I wouldnt be begging Her to give me anymore chances like she has been doing towards me now. Its just insane.
Yes!
It seems to be a commonality that steps receive a pass? Why is this? I would be mortified if my kids acted this way, and would take swift action.
Since MIL and SIL like to blame me for OSD's nonsense, I asked DH a couple of weeks ago if the tables were turned what would be the outcome? For example, if I were treating his sister the way OSD treats me, would it be his sister's fault? Or, if I were treating his niece the way OSD treats me, would it be his niece's fault? I'm pretty sure that would be a resounding "No!" times two! MIL and SIL would not have it! Why the double standard?
This is so very true- if the
This is so very true- if the roles were reversed and you did these things to SD I am very certain that she would find it unforgiveable but it wouldn't stop there...you'd be burned by so many others and cast out- ostracized. What a double standard. I agree, never forget this stuff because you have her number now. I have it too- I know how they operate and I won't forget that.
Agreed.
This rings so true it is almost laughable...almost. I have done nothing other than respond in a healthy way, I wouldn't change a thing because I will not sell myself out for their comfort. It is textbook: Many family's 'normal' is to blame the newcomer. This response is easier and less painful because they do not need to look in the mirror. Again, textbook dysfunctional response. I find it funny that they choose to ignore my education/background. Dysfunction at it's finest. Yes, you are right...it is a double standard. I do have their number. I do not forget.
I am ostracized until they want something....
This is where I struggle.... Maintaining a cordial relationship for the sake of my husband. I do it for him, because I love him. I also know that he is not accountable for their dysfunctional belief/behavior. I also know that no matter how many times he stands up for me that it doesn't matter, because they just don't want to 'see' it. I try for compassion, but it is difficult. It is also difficult to 'meet them where they are at' when they blame me.
My IL clan is this way with my DW and with me.
I find it funny that they choose to ignore my education/background. Dysfunction at it's finest.
My DW has always been treated as the pretty city idiot by her own family. On a number of levels anyway. She is a graduate degreed top tier professionally certified highly successful career person. Her entire family is hand to mouth, serially bankrupt, foreclosed, or repossessed and sadly passing that tradition on to their own children.
Of course when it is tax time, many of them send their records to DW for her to do their taxes.
My MIL once told my DW "We don't really understand what you have accomplished or what you do but we are proud of you."
When we would visit, they would treat us as drooling morons compared to their barely fed ability to provide for themselves as agriculture laborers. Even now, they put on an air of barely tolerated contempt. That does not stand these days since DW no longer tolerates it and calls it on presentation by them. There is this juxtaposition of excitement for us visiting, followed by notable sullen depression the longer we are there.
Though things have improved over the years, there are IL clan members who are who and what they are and ply their crap at some point during a visit. Rather than tolerate as she used to, DW now immediately confronts it. They have learned the line where I get involved and will get very twitchy the closer they get to that line. DW's line has tightened over the years on what she will tolerate from her own family.
Yes....
I see some similarities here. Isn't it interesting how one's looks can be a blessing or a curse? Many times both. Early in my career, I was shy, quiet, and did not stand up for myself. I think many saw me as "fluff' because of my appearance. Fairly quickly I learned to assert myself and things quickly went uphill from there. It is very satisfying to 'see the light go on' when someone realizes that I'm smart, have a backbone, and will fight the good fight when needed. I prefer to work with someone, not against them...though, it is their choice.
Your DW's family sounds jealous. I'm glad she confonts it! I am always happy to see strong, smart women succeed. It was importand to me that I instill in my daughter that there is room for everyone, so cheer each other on and celebrate those wins. It sounds like your wife is winning!
I love this.
I love this.
I understand this fully...one
I understand this fully...one of my SKIDs mocks my (full ride scholarship) ivy league degree. On top of that SKIDs ignore / dimiss my knowledge in my field and overtly challenge everything I say - even well known statistics. I want to note SKIDs made below than average grades, no scholarships but did graduate from local colleges, which we are proud of. ...yet there is time and time again where I get mocked - the world is upside down in Skidville. @Trudie - I totally understand where you are from and it's a waste of your time to try to do anything but to not deal with their ignorance. Quite literally - but yes I also get that it irritating at times.
Why...
...do they think we are stupid? Insecurity at it's finest! I 100% understand what you are saying. Just this week SIL was just trying to diagnose a family member and even suggested a certain medication. DH was telling me about it and I immediately said "No", told him why, and dropped it. The next day he told me he had used Dr. Google, I was right, and he let SIL know. I just said "Oh", but thought stay in your lane.... Still shaking my head.... Haha!
Good for you for speaking up
Good for you for speaking up on an uninformed medical diagnosis by ignorant SKID.
SS thought I was the smartest
SS thought I was the smartest person he ever met (yea, a bit of an exaggeration). I was uneasy with that because I figured BM would have issues with it. Then, oddly, after several years, he turned on me. I have no idea why except for the BM crazy cult lies.
Duplicate deleted
Duplicate deleted
The cult can turn facts into
The cult can turn facts into fiction pretty quick and live by a lie time and time again.
I got an education on that
I got an education on that years ago, when it was evidient that this "child" could have been given all the love, kindness and anything else the world had to offer her, and she would still be miserable. She is always wanting more. She is like an emotional version of black hole whose void never fully gets fillled. SHe always has something to complain about. She was indeed unhappy with me for "trying too hard" or even existing, now she flips to the other side to being unhappy with me because i am not doing anything now I pushed her and her kids away/ What??? Nevermind her being MIA as far as matters with me have been concened for long stretches of time,,,try years on end. Gee, its like some people dont like it when you reciprocate the same energy ( or lack thereof) they had been giving you for that long. Aint that a bitch.
Ain't that a form of karmic
Ain't that a form of karmic justice - glad you reciprocated. I do the same - you give me nothing, I'll happily give you nothing right back.
Nothing needs to be exorcised
Nothing needs to be exorcised more than an emotional Succubus or Incubus demon spawn SKid.
Deliver to what they have earned and turn up the temperature on them until they either go way for go up in proverbial flames. That they are the spawn of a spouse is irrelevant. Deliver in kind to their behavior. Not in kindness, they have not earned kindness. Call them on their bullshit, remind them of their historical bullshit. Highlight that they are just changing their direction in their evil but... it remains par for the course for their toxic evil manipulative bullshit.
Own their evil idiot asses and make baring their asses your most committed hobby. They stay nasty, keep incinerating them for their crap.
Have fun!!!
LOL rags- I really love this
LOL rags- I really love this description: emotional succubus or incubus demon - love love it as descriptors...I have one of each kind.
If you wanted to take it a step further, this would be a EXCELLENT/ hilarious / tragic blog to ask stepparents which type and describe !
You know what popped into my
You know what popped into my head today? ( and not for the first time) It baffles me how SD is upset and furious with me for "pushing her kids" away by not being involved, as if I had a hand in ruining their lives . Meanwhile, the kid's father, the Baby Daddy ( who is just as a useless POS so had no high expectations of him) whose pushed his children away by barely being present and just not coming through for them for a big part of their lives. But my all means, lets decide to dump on the SM instead and make those accusations as if I had any part in bringing those kids into such instability. Why shouldnt SD give the baby daddy all this shit and get all up on his ass instead of jumping on my back? Since when does he deserve a pass and I dont? The more I think of this, the madder I get. I also have to keep this in mind too next time I feel the guilt twinges about the kids. Why should I beat myself up knowing that their own father wasnt there for them and let them down, And who the eff does SD think she is to have the nerve to try to paint me as the problem and not him. As if the absense of her kids father wasnt ever going to negatively effect them emotionally if it hasnt already. Nope, its the SM who is to blame now for not being there for them and for no loving them like my own. Unreal. Give me a break . Defintely all is Upside Down in stephell.
For these types, SM is the
For these types, SM is the synonym for all-round scapegoat. It is so very very sick.
I have seen such normal, healthy step relationships elsewhere. At least two of my very best friends growing up had step mothers they were very close to; there was no animosity. One just lost her SM a couple years ago--you would have thought she lost her bio mother. I have a niece in a normal, no-conflict step situation (her sd is young). Then there are all of these stories and experiences. Somehow we were the "lucky ones" left with all the dysfunctional garbage that needs to be taken out.
It...
...and they are garbage. I hate being a non-willing part of it, even if I don't participate. Ultimately it does have some effect on me, even though I can see it for what it is, set limits, disengage, etc.
Do you think it all boils down to the level of function of the family you are marrying into? As in awareness, EQ, etc.? This is not always evident from the start. Often times it is hidden, behind the public facade, until it is too late. It seems so many people are all about 'appearances' while they are swimming in a cesspool with their heads barely above water.
Do you think it all boils
I spent more time with DH's sister, her husband, and their kids--all wonderful functioning people--more than I did with the skids and BM when DH and I were dating. There were still red flags, though, and ultimately it was DH's "mishandling" of things with his ex and kids that led to our misery after we got married (when it all exploded). I didn't see it all clearly early on because skids and BM lived in another state. . . easier to keep the crazy under wraps. But, yea, I agree with your statements.
Ugh!
I am really sorry, Amy. That stinks! I hope the fact that you are not accountable somehow makes it more tolerable.
?
Amy, and any others to which this applies, what do your husbands think of your disengagement? Do they mention it? Do they pressure you to be involved? Do they understand why you are not? I am genuinely interested to hear what the fallout is regarding this decision. Please share your experiences. Thank you.
It took a long time for us to
It took a long time for us to be in a truly settled, peaceful place about my disengagement, and the disengagement, which began in 2012 (with DH's understanding and support), had been fluid through the years (SS and I were able to move forward for a while, then he went to the dark side; I hadn't seen SD in 7 years until she wanted to make friends because she was getting married and needed cash; luckily, DH didn't fall for it and gave her very little, which I'm sure added up his "bad points" with them). We both hoped the skids would see the light (get out of the manipulative BM web) when they became adults. They did not.
Although DH has witnessed the behavior and has been the recipient of awful behavior himself, he held onto hope for a really long time. Even though he has primarily seen his kids outside of our home for over 12 years--which has worked out fine for us--it wasn't until this past year that we were able to have a long, deep, totally honest conversation about it all without any sign of defensiveness from him. I am 100% disengaged and will never go back. The door is closed. I support him in any decisions he makes about visiting his kids and grands (visits are about 2x a year now)--as long as they do not come into the house where I live. We have separate bank accounts. I know none of my money goes toward the ingrates.
Yes, there were arguments/fights. Yes, there were times I was told that the reality I was seeing wasn't reality. Yes, I did feel pressured at times to "accept" the brats. But for the most part, DH admitted that his kids were the source of the issues and he felt embarrassed by their behavior and supported my desire to step back. He also confronted the kids many times through the years (to no avail).
I would not want to repeat what we've been through. In fact, I would not repeat it and I would not recommend it to anyone. I wasted a lot of time and energy on people who are not worth it. And I'm still processing some of this.
Thank you!
I appreciate what you shared, Mia. I enjoy school, especially research/writing papers, and I think my love for 'research' has spilled into my private life. I want answers, darn it! Hearing other's experiences is so helpful to me to 'put it all together'.
I am glad your husband is able to see the situation with clarity and that he supports you. It has got to be hard for him to really 'see' his children and not like what he sees. The fact that he is able to drop his defensive reaction is huge. You are certainly winning! What I have learned on this site is that this nonsense could go on for years if I allow it; this has caused me to stop, assess, course correct, and cordially disengage. I am not exactly where I wish to be, but I'm certainly getting closer all the time.
When you mentioned contributing money for a wedding, I realized I had thought of that possibility before. I am not comfortable contributing a single penny! I would guess this issue is faced in many 'yours/mine' situations. Maybe easier when the marriage happens after kids are adults? There are so many challenges to navigate...holidays, money, boundary setting, etc. I still feel stupid at times because I didn't anticipate said 'challenges'. There is always something to learn....
Little B wanted to appear out
Little B wanted to appear out of the blue after 7 years "to clear the air and move forward." She invited herself to our house but needed her brother there with her as a buffer/protector. I said ok to the visit, but I also asked DH, "Does she have a boyfriend? hmmm." SD did a great act and tried to bs me. We learned that, yes, she did have a boyfriend.
When she left, I said to DH, "She's getting married. Just watch. That was the reason for the visit. $"
WOW: A few months later, the wedding was being planned!
Then, of course, SD asked DH for $$$$. #Predictable. I was pleasantly surprised that DH all on his own--no input from me--shelled out a VERY small amount (I'm sure I somehow got blamed for that). He said to me, "Her mother insisted on being the #1 parent and keeping her from me for the most part; her mother can pay for her wedding."
We were treated like dog crap at the wedding. DH wanted to leave before the ceremony, but I told him he would then be blamed for eternity for "ruining" the princess's special day. So, we left the reception early.
Wow!
You must have had a 6th sense! I'm so glad your husband wasn't suckered into giving and so glad you encouraged him to stay for the ceremony. You are right, you would have been blamed.
The whole denying of reality-
The whole denying of reality- I went through this with DH and it is crazy making. Behavior from SKIDs on FULL display and somehow he "doesn't see it." @MorningMia ooohhhh do I understand THAT.
Your steps do sound a lot
Your steps do sound a lot like mine. Sdiablas 27&25 sh*t talk DH and I to their friends and to their Mom's weird-a*z friends. I am sure you all can guess where they learned this behavior. BM, the biggest liar, "victim" and gossip of all. BM was so bad that apparently several decent people in our community told her that she needed to stop sh*t talking DH all the time.
Now she has pissed off to live in another state but there are still people in our community that give us the hairy, wary eye. These types are gossips themselves that love to churn and participate in the petty rumor mill. I guess some people don't have enough actual problems to worry about.
The best decision I made was to pull way back and let DH deal with his diablas by himself without me. He was able to see that SD's behavior is the same, terrible, whether I am present or not. SDiablas (and DH) used my presence as an excuse for acting out. Rather than correcting them, DH would often get frustrated with ME for pointing out their blatantly abhorrant behavior.
He has now experienced several trips ALONE with just his poopsies. YSD made non-stop passive aggressive, snotty comments and kept aggressively hitting to wake him up for snoring. LOL OSD is cold and controlling.
Boy was he happy to come back home to me. When they visit I decline to join on their excursions leaving him to experience them in all their glory. Of course they never include me in the conversation, much less the planning of these outtings.
His eyes continue to open wider. He doesn't really enjoy many of their behaviors while out with them. Who would enjoy these raised by wolves young adults? He seems to have a deeper understanding of why I keep saying we have a major problem ... and that I'm not a part of it.
I put them out of my mind when they are gone but the memories do all come crashing back when they visit. I am working on maintaining my peace and reducing anxiety even when they visit. It's not easy because SD's actively try to incite arguments and triangulate.
I have a hard time understanding how mid-twenty year olds can still be so petty and immature. I was already working and raising my children by the time I was their age. They are a thorn that is never going completely away. I want to understand what the universe is trying to teach me and to rise above it.
Very similar situations. I've
Very similar situations. I've posted here before about how we were getting side-eyed and were basically shunned at SD's wedding, how the skids pretend they have no father (much less a sm) on social media (I unfriended and blocked--tired of the game). DH for years has visited the skids alone (we live in different states) and often comes home disheartened. Skids have rarely been welcomed into our home because of their behavior and, after last year, will never be allowed here again.
Sadly parents who lack
Sadly parents who lack confidence and won't hold their kid's accountable often follow them around with their tail tucked between their legs like a whipped dog who wants nothing more than some affection. The dog keeps going back to the person whipping them because that is all the dog knows.
In elementary school there was a neighborhood dog in the neighborhood near the school that would come to the bus pickup area every afternoon to play and get scratches and petting by the kids. Most kids would pet and play with it. Then there was a small group of asshole boys who would hit the dog in nuts with a stick when it would come up to them and roll over for belly scratches. It would approach that same group of boys every day even though they would torture that dog every time.
That fight was the only one I ever got in any trouble for though a bunch of kids went with me to the Principal's office to back up my statement regarding the assholes who were torturing the dog. Even then, my punishment was less than theirs was. I had to clean black boards for an hour after class for a few days. I only hit the one with the stick that day but the three of them had Saturday detention for a few weeks.
Even now, 50 years later, I would rather have the fight than tolerate someone whipping people I care about. If pain is their currency, then pain is what I will pay them with. At a level that ensures they never forget it and will rarely repeat their crap knowing that next time, the pain will be far worse. For clarity, I hate fighting. It scares the hell out of me. Fortunately the fights in blended family relationships tend to not be physical though conflict and tension are still things I am not comfortable with. Though I am not going to avoid conflict if the person in the opposition fails to engage with reason and continues their crap.
THANK YOU for fighting for
THANK YOU for fighting for the dog!!!
DH has confronted and confronted and confronted through the years. Voices have been raised. SD normally reacts with strong denials and puddles of tears. SS has been more combative. There have been periodic long periods of zero contact, and we have only had them in our home a handful of times since 2012. There has still been hurtful behavior through the years, DH currently sees the monkeys (as in not my circus, not my monkeys) twice a year, and not here.
Punishment? The two of us living in a peaceful environment, enjoying life, traveling, enjoying time with my family and our friends, and spoiling our dog (who SS is jealous of)--doing all of this WITHOUT THEM--is their true punishment, and they brought it on themselves. They could have been part of this, our lives, but their piss poor behavior has left them exactly where they did not want to be: excluded. They thought bad behavior toward us (punishing) would make their father morph into what they wanted him to be (a true puppet)--and/or chase me away. And neither happened. My issue at the current time is PTSD over last year. I need to rid myself of this. Ahhhh, breathe.
@morningmia- SAME boat once
@morningmia- SAME boat once again. It's complex PTSD, check out the symptoms. It's completely real. I am not quite sure how to get rid of it but if you figure out a self help method - books or other please let me know. Every day I get stronger and healthier but the lingering impact of these SKIDs have defintely impacted me.
"Complex post-traumatic stress disorder is a stress-related mental disorder generally occurring in response to complex traumas, i.e., commonly prolonged or repetitive exposures to a series of traumatic events, within which individuals perceive little or no chance to escape. "
Thanks. I will read about
Thanks. I will read about this.
I appreciate so much ST and everyone here. Because who else gets it?
@morningmia the REAL problem
@morningmia the REAL problem is noone else WANTS to get it. It serves everyone else to trash the stepmom in the family, so why improve the situation for her?
Yes!
It sure does serve almost everyone to trash the stepmom! However, are any of the 'trashers' stopping to think what this says about them? I believe polite disengagement is the classy way to handle an ugly situation. I will never stoop to ugly.
Totally agree @trudie - we
Totally agree @trudie - we will stay classy and rise above it all BUT for whatever reason a stepparent is like being the lowest type of person in a cast system....society and the world at large gives everyone a pass to abuse and treat this person poorly. It speaks volumes to their character but somehow it's a pass. I've told my DH on many occasions that him and his spawn may get stuck on the elevator to heaven for a stint of purgatory....and quite possibly someone with a lot more power and authority will hand over the keys to a stepparent like me and give me the opportunity to decide WHEN the doors open. Wouldnt that be the ultimate twist?
Yes!
I love this scenario!
Yes to keeping it classy too!
PTSD
My therapist told me this is what I have from OSD's abusive treatment of me. I am completely baffled by this response! Never in my life have I responded this way. Why do I have this reaction to a person who I don't really know on a personal level and who means nothing to me? I survived an abusive father and husband. I will stand toe to toe with the bullies at work, whether to stand up for myself or a colleague...I will not stand by and watch it happen. (There is a hierarchy in medicine, bullies and bad behavior are a 'thing'.) So why does she affect me the way she does? I certainly need to figure this out.
Does anyone have any clues, from personal experience, why this happens?
I do NOT have the answers
I do NOT have the answers @Trudie but i am seeking them. In our situations - we have a lack of control and lack of authority in the stepfamily dynamics- no one seems to be accountable EXCEPT for the stepmom...and when everyone else is denying the reality and the stepparent is being abuse and having to take the repetitive behaviors of being ignored, criticized and seeing patterns from our past re-ignited through "innocent" children- we begin to get lost in it all. These children are the aggressors and they are rewarded to be nasty, mean and ugly to the stepparent- when they hit adulthood the changes are not made and they become the adult bullies. While being the bully they simulatenously become the "victim" after they do an aggressive act and place the blame on the stepparent gaslighting her and convincing others that she did somethign wrong- over and over again. EVEN in adulthood. There is no coming terms or realizing the stepparent is being abused - everyone continues on with little to no regard for her/him. It's an ugly cycle.
Ugh!
Although I don't like how this scenario plays out, I think you have summed it up accurately.
My therapist tells me it's very common to disengage. I think I will revisit this with her to gain more insight.
Listen to your therapist
Listen to your therapist @Trudie. Disengage is the way. It's hard to train yourself at first but slowly you will get into it and I have never looked back.
It is a good thing that you and DH are focused on each other...
and not the failed family spawn who are what they are.
Take care of you.
Exclusion…
...this reasonates with me. I think this is a facet (so many facets) of OSD's issue. She was worried how things would change. Shots were fired. I believe she did not anticipate that I would fire back. There was a vast difference in our 'shots'...hers were vile, dirty, underhanded, and abusive whereas mine were rejecting her behavior and trying to be a part of the solution before finally setting much-needed boundaries. Her lack of self-awareness and general stupidity do not allow her to view the whole picture, let alone act reasonably. So, the very thing she was trying to avoid...exclusion...is where she's at. She is excluded from our lives. This is on her. It's actually sad, because I did have enough love in my heart for her. Key word is 'did'. Not any more, she has burned that bridge.
Good for you @Trudie in
Good for you @Trudie in seeing it for what it is.
Thank you.
It certainly has been a process. I have faith I will find my way; at some point I hope to be unbothered. She is a sick, dysfunctional person...it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I believe this would be happening to anyone who dared marry her father.
@Trudie, this is also an
@Trudie, this is also an answer to your question about disengagement which is not always easy..its an ongoing process. Although, I can report that it has gotten much easier for me compared to the way it used to be. I have made some improvement , even though at times I am still working through it. Thats because inevitably, while things have been undeniably peaceful without SD29 being around, some of her Bullshit still pops up that brings up reminders that I made my choice for a reason. The same ones that alerted me that I had to fall back since I feel that "moving forward" as she says she wants now isnt the best place to expend my energy. Actually, I feel like doing so is a huge step BACKwards for me, since engaging with her and bending to her whims trying to be a SM and please everyone in that dynamic liteally did put me in a not so great place Mentally. There is no way I want to go back and nor should I after all the work I did to pull myself out on that funk.
That doesnt mean I still dont experience some twinges of guilt, that I know I need to bring up with my therapist next time we meet. This might sound really odd and might not make sense, but one of those twinges pop up when I think about a weekend trip that DH took over Fathers Day Weekend ( alone of course..no pressure to bring the SD and her Minions) . Long story short, I just felt this sadness ( i actually break down in some tears despite myself and all the work I have done when I remember it) seeing litle girls all loving and involved with their Dads Granted my DH had lost his Dad, and we were visiting a place that was special to my FIL, who I miss too, where memories took place, So, there was some emotion involved anyhow. I was feeling sentimental over childhood memories of my own Dad ( even though he is still with us) too. But going to back to the innocent, wholesome, heartwarming scene of the girl and her Dad, it sounds so silly, but something about it made me wonder if my being disengagement or just being with DH had a part in coming between DH and SD's relationship Did it rob them off , even in any way, of establishing that same kind of experience that dads and daughters are supposed to share? . Is it partially my fault after all? I know it doesnt make much sense to still beat myself up over that. Normally, I clearly grasp that its on DH and SD, and always had been, to maintain their relationship long before I ever came along and that would still stand even if I hadnt. The same issues that has challenged their bond would still remain too, no matter if he married anyone at all or not. I just have to keep reminding myself of that and stop putting myself through this. But like I said, the disengagement decision can be a work in progress still...
Thank you.
I appreciate your reply. I believe you have that 'twinge' because you are a decent person who cares for others. I told DH the other day that I resent being in a situation I don't want to be in; I did not initiate it, I did not participate in the nonsense, but I did react to protect my marriage and my personal peace. Others have mentioned on here that we are the ones taking 'care' of our husbands in every way. I know I bring joy to his life, just as he brings joy to mine. OSD has brought heartache for over 20 years. I am guessing that is true for many.
Try not to second guess yourself. Ask your therapist, I bet she/he has wisdom to share.
Thanks, Trudie. I gave my DH
Thanks, Trudie. I gave my DH the same kind of speech you did. I just finally laid it out there. How I also have so much resentment having ever been expected to just swoop in and fix problems resulting from choices that I had no part in creating. . When I snap out of these "Twinges", I have to ask myself this; Why should I try to please people who have knowingly brought difficult to my life, just to make things easier for them? Why? Because SD suddenly says she has good intentions now, so I have to fall back in the fray just to make her feel better about herself ? I dont think so. since I think its just unfair.
Think about this....
She says she has good intentions. Talk is cheap. What do her actions say? Can she sustain changed behavior? Only time will tell. Remain on guard and protect your peace and your marriage. You are not obligated to 'buy in'. If she really does have changed behavior, is it too late? Has she burned her bridge?How you react and proceed is up to you.
You are right...IT IS UNFAIR!
Your main problem is DH
He's letting SS get away with it. If someone was handing you 100's of $. Why would you want it to stop. You work is on DH.
He got a pass because he had
He got a pass because he had just had major surgery and was on heavy drugs--and wanted to believe that his ingrates loved him. After he woke from his stupor, he was not happy at all. He has since said that he doesn't even want his kids contacted if he has another health scare. Sad.
They are the enemies at the gate.
You know it and the defense of that gate has to be to the point that they have not even a forlorn hope of storming that gate. Beware the tears, the snarling, the gnashing of teeth, and the Trojan Horse gift that they likely will offer.
Take care of each other.
Leave them to pass from the siege plague as they try to assault your unassailable fortress partnership. A strong partnership will thrive while the siege army starves. Of course the other is true if the partnership is weak and the siege demons are allowed to ply their crap un-assailed. Recognize them as the enemies that they are. and bring th. Nothing more. Bring the pain that is their currency and singe their tail feathers until they are dragging their butts around in the dirt heading away from you and your marriage. They learn to keep their distance and bite their tongues at extended family events when they know that pain will be delivered instantly when they step out of line.
*drinks*
WHen faced with these types
WHen faced with these types who are manipulating for money and gifts for their breeding trophies, play their game. But win!!! Buy the kid a Savings Bond. In the kid's name. Send a card with a note that you have purchased the LO a EE or I Savings Bond. Do not give it to the parents. Save it for the kid when the kid reaches the age of majority. You can do this for B-days and Christmas. Over time it will be a notable amount of money that the kid can use for college, tradeschool, a house downpayment, etc....
It demonstrates participation and it guts the manipulation by the toxic breeding SKidults. These types want control. This keeps you in control and you can participate in a significant way that will benefit the kid once they reach adulthood.