Red Flags: What were yours?
Forums:
I read this from "Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life" on Facebook:
"The moment you start googling someone's behavior in an effort to understand it is probably the biggest red flag you'll ever need."
Wow, was I ever googling BM's behavior back in the day!
Other red flags back then (in order):
- BM stalked us via phone during a weekend get-away (long story: she called DH's employer when he wasn't picking up the phone; this was out of her playbook--she had done this and worse with DH and a former GF).This was startling and I will never forget my physical reaction to realizing what was occurring.
- SD had a major over-the-top temper tantrum (by phone) when she learned we were dating (related to the weekend get-away). It seemed clear to me that BM at the very least supported SD's behavior and at the worst instigated it.
- Skid visits came to a screeching halt (skids were suddenly too engaged in too many activities).
- The BM/skid ("family") phone calls started every Friday around 6:00 - 7:00 pm -- the skids were old enough to contact their father on their own, but the calls always involved BM dialing and starting the calls, which always occurred as we were preparing dinner or heading out.
- Manufactured crises whenever we were leaving for a get-together, a weekend get-away, or vacation.
- The Father's Day and birthday cards to DH that first year: They were not only signed by the skids, but BM wrote all over the back of them, telling DH how "amazing" and "wonderful" he was.
- It was clear BM never viewed the skids as separate from her. In her mind, they were a package deal, a package deal she would force on others. I didn't realize that one for a while.
I decided three months in that this was not a pile I wanted to step into (not all of the above had happened by then, but I had seen enough to be concerned), and DH swore he was going to handle the situation/my concerns. Everything seemed ok for the next few years--minor annoyances--but then all hell broke loose after we married. That took another couple of years (including a brief separation) to resolve.
Your 5th and 7th red flags
Your 5th and 7th red flags occurred for us also. The day we got married, NPD BM had a physical fight with her BF, and left him, leaving an irate voicemail message for my DH on our wedding day, about the SDs - who were with us btw. I think she expected DH to ride in on his white charger, abandoning our honeymoon, and rescue her. I spent a lot of time googling her narcissistic behaviour - this was before narcissism became so fashionable.
SD29, from whom I have been estranged for 2 yrs, tried the "manufactured crisis" approach recently, just before we left to go on holiday. Nice try, SD29! Other red flags when they were younger, was the NPD BM was forever telling DH how bad his parenting was, how he needed to go to anger management/ therapy etc and sending him long notes about this, basically her on the high moral ground, spitting down upon us mere mortals.
Wow. They sound a bit
Wow. They sound a bit borderline, too (yes, I've googled the hell out of BPD, too!)
I should have known.....
DH and I went to Las Vegas to be married. It seemed like the best thing to do to keep everything calm with the volatile exs and 5 kids in the picture. Plus, it was what we wanted to do.
I should have known the future with SD would be "eventful" when we heard she'd run away from BM's right before we left. Manufractured crises occurred regularly, still do every holiday season. "Look at ME, take care of ME".
Oh yes.
Oh yes.
Any non-breastfeeding
Any non-breastfeeding divorced woman protesting "we're a package deal" needs to get a life and a therapist. IMO that's some generic crap you put on your tinder dating profile to let the dudes know he gotta provide for you AND your kids if he seriously dates you .... not something to declare to your ex husband / new wife (we already know we gotta deal with a cray cray ex plus your bad a$$ kids so STFU and quietly accept your child support and take care of your kids)
Lwt me say my Disneyland dad I used to deal with ex wife was a nut job who would also fake crises to keep herself and her spawn front and center and to see how far up her flat nasty a$$ my partner would go running to pacify her.
But the main red flag of our relationship was when he
How long did you all date?
How long did you all date? How long were you married? When did the marriage end? Congrats for removing yourself from that!
Biggest red flag looking back
Biggest red flag looking back: male, divorced with a daughter.
Dang
I was just gonna write that.
100%!
Well, I'm totally jealous re:
Well, I'm totally jealous re: my ex, He doesn't date women with kids. No offense to anyone here, but, boy, has he dodged some bullets. I've thought: Why didn't I think if that!. Ha!
Yes!
Spot on!
Red flags
Red flags
On the holding hands *shok*
On the holding hands *shok*
It’s only a red flag depending on how SO handles it
If SO saids they are away and will handle it when they get back home, then turns off there phone, or just doesn't answer it. One thing. SO playing referee all weekend when you have adult time. Is a major red flag. SO gets one warning, about this behavior.
Some peope can't stop this destructive behavior. They are called. Divorce, looking for a SO who understands Dysfunctional people . Want there life control by a ex and there kids.
These people can't change. But under the understanding that they didn't know what they were doing. They get a second chance. As you make your exit plans
It’s only a red flag depending on how SO handles it
If SO saids they are away and will handle it when they get back home, then turns off there phone, or just doesn't answer it. One thing. SO playing referee all weekend when you have adult time. Is a major red flag. SO gets one warning, about this behavior.
Some peope can't stop this destructive behavior. They are called. Divorce, looking for a SO who understands Dysfunctional people . Want there life control by a ex and there kids.
These people can't change. But under the understanding that they didn't know what they were doing. They get a second chance. As you make your exit plans
Relationship monkey branching
Relationship monkey branching, lack of boundaries with others, volatile temper tantrums, allowing their kids to be disrespectful, being ok with others paying for their way 90% of the time.
No real red flags. Though a
No real red flags. Though a light pink one that went on for a few years. DW was a single teen never married mom when we met, and married 8mos later. She started a legal defense of the SpermGrandHag trying to take custody of my then 15mo old SS while we were dating. I did not then nor would I now classify that as a flag at all. It was just the situation she was dealing with at the time.
The light pink flag started waving after the successful defense of the SpermGrandHag attempt to steal custody of SS. The CO included a long distance visitation schedule. The initial paternity and CS CO did not include a visitation schedule. For the first few years DW would not forcibly defend the CO or rip out the throats of the SpermClan when they got nasty. She pretty much just played nice. He reasoning was that she did not want to piss them off because she was worried they would take it out on then toddler/young child SS when he was splashing around in the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool while on visitation. That was a naive stance on her part. It took a while but she did finally recognize that they were toxic POS morons and were taking their crap out on SS anyway. I did point this out several times over those years. That opened DW's eyes and she then tightly rolled up a copy of the CO and started beating the shit out of them with it any time they got nasty or violated the CO.
So,fairly early the faint pink flag was burned and we raised the Bloody Flag of zero quarter and stayed in place until SS aged out from under the CO 16yrs after it was issued plus a couple more years of having SS's back as he defended himself from their crap. Oddly, though we never lowered that flag and they knew they would be brutalized if they pulled any more of their crap, they always would try again after a period of time following a legal, financial, or community thrashing for their crap.
Sadly, it took a few beatings directly applied by SS once he reached adulthood for them to end their crap. SS is 32 and has had nearly zero contact with them in nearly 10 years. They make zero effort, he matches their effort. They are so heartbreaking to him that he pretty much has nothing to do with them.