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My Mother Passed

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 6:23pm

Last week at age 89.  She led a permanently depressed life mostly, IMO, due to being confined to the role the cult assigned to her.   Absolutely nothing physically wrong with her no health issues nor disease . My younger sister, being an only child (well that's what it felt like as she was the golden child) has made a great deal of mourning posts on social media.   

Of course she was always seen as the "loyal" child having not officially left the cult as I had.  Even though she has no intentions of rejoining and was much more "sinful" in her life than I have been.  

My mother and I never bonded... which I don't blame her for as her own mother did not bond with her and all her siblings were farmed out to relatives they did not know when her mother had to go to psychiatric institutions.    Ironically my sister and I were farmed off to our paternal grandmother who did not care for us too much when Mom went into these places quite frequently.

My father at age 90, still clings to the tenets of the cult and as of yet, I do not know the time nor place of any memorial service 8 hours away.  Because of the religious shunning I hear things only second hand.   My sister has nothing to do with me out of a sheer feud;  she is the purveyor of all information.   She's probably relishing the control although she is probably one of the more irresponsible people on this earth.

Comments

JRI's picture

Submitted by JRI on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 6:52pm

You've lost not only your mom but any fantasy you ever had about her recovering and being the mom you wanted.  I'm sorry 

I'm the black sheep, too.  Also known as living my own life 

It's still sad about your mom.

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 6:57pm

My condolences.

Take care of you. Keep the toxic at a distance.

Give rose

CajunMom's picture

Submitted by CajunMom on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 7:08pm

So sorry. I fully understand being shunned and being the black sheep. Still does not make it easy. Sending you love. 

AlmostGone834's picture

Submitted by AlmostGone834 on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 7:24pm

I'm so very sorry. I know of people in the cult too and it absolutely destroys lives... in so many ways. I think you are the white sheep in a family full of black sheep and I'm so sorry you never had the relationship you deserved with your mom. Focus on your son and all the people you love in your life. We can make our own families. 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Submitted by Rumplestiltskin on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 9:37pm

Damn, I'm sorry. That's a lot. Whatever you do or don't do as far as the funeral is understandable. 

No Name's picture

Submitted by No Name on Tue, 10/01/2024 - 10:22pm

It's just never easy losing a parent.

I am in some very weird place with my siblings since one of our parents passed last week.  I don't exactly know what is happening but something seems to be going on and I am the outsider which seems to make no sense since I am the one who drives to another state each and every time one of my parents got sick.  My siblings couldn't be bothered showing up.  

Hugs!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 12:21am

Regarding the cult thing. SpermGrandHag belongs to a fringe Christian cult.  She was raised in it.  Interestingly, I don't think that SpermGrandPa was in the cult and if he was he has not remained demonstrably active.  Their DD remained in the cult and married a cultmember. SpermIdiot did not participate once he reached his late teens.  His serial staturory rapist career apparently damaged the Hags standing.  That Standing apparently completely tanked when she started recognizing Christmas in an attempt to guilt DW into giving them Dec 25th upon occassion and to guilt her into stopping CS so SS's 3 younger half sibs cold have gifts.  Nope, SpermGrandHag's toxic bullshit garnered zero sympathy for anything she wanted.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 2:57am

I'm sorry to hear that you've lost your mum. Please try to find out if and when there will be a funeral and be there via streaming so you can unobtrusively say goodbye and get closure.

(((HUGS)))

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 6:29am

I'm sorry. But I understand too. My Mom loved my brother, the sun rose and fell out his tushy. I was always there somewhere just not in the spot light. My Mom was mentally ill, I've mentioned it before on this group. I mourned her but I didn't. I think I mourned what might've been and not the loss of what was. 

 

Hit me up in my messages if you ever need an ear. 

ESMOD's picture

Submitted by ESMOD on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 7:15am

I'm so sorry for your loss... I know it's complicated and I'm sorry that it may be difficult to get the full closure you want.  In the end, do what you need to do to heal your heart.

la_dulce_vida's picture

Submitted by la_dulce_vida on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 9:14am

I'm sure your grief is complicated, so I'm sorry for this sadness in your life.

I have been estranged from my family for almost 30 years, and my father did something reprehensible to warrant the break.

I often wonder how I will feel when I learn of him or my mother passing. He was the villain, so I would like to dance/spit on his grave. My feelings about my mother eventually passing could be quite complicated.

She enabled him to do the reprehensible things he did. However, she grew up in a very abusive/toxic home and my father is better than what she grew up with.

Sending you my condolences for the pain you've lived after being shunned, and for the loss of your mother.

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Submitted by Aniki-Moderator on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 10:50am

I'm so sorry for your loss, thinkthrice. 

My siblings bonded with our mother. I did not for a variety of reasons. Regardless, I loved her and still mourn her passing, but cannot imagine the emotional labyrinth you're experiencing. {{{HUGS}}}

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 11:07am

As of late,  I have been reading an interesting book by Dr Forward, Mothers Who Cannot Love.  It's quite interesting and frighteningly I see some aspects played out that I did with my own daughter.  Not anywhere as near as bad with my mother but unfortunately some of the cycle still continues.  

Probably a major factor in the decision not to have kids by she and her husband.

Toaster's picture

Submitted by Toaster on Wed, 10/02/2024 - 4:26pm

My condolences.

Take care of yourself. Please keep the toxic at a distance!

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Thu, 10/03/2024 - 12:14am

So sorry, my dear. Moms can mess you up in many ways but it takes an exceptional kind of crazy to reject one's own child for religious differences. Shunning must be especially painful, poor you! Reading your post and grasping the dysfunction in your early years helps to understand why you put up with Chef. He’s actually an improvement on life with your family.

I’ve always admired you, TT, for your strength and tolerance; now, more than ever. Have you considered therapy? With all of the confusion that you’re bound to be undergoing, a few sessions with a therapist would do you the world of good. All the best, Hon! ♥️

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Submitted by Exjuliemccoy on Thu, 10/03/2024 - 5:52pm

You're in my thoughts as you process your mother's death, TT.

It's so complicated, isn't it? Please be good to yourself.

Yesterdays's picture

Submitted by Yesterdays on Thu, 10/03/2024 - 5:54pm

Sorry to hear of your mother's passing and all of the issues that have happened. Sending hugs