What go say to my child about teen sd
For about a year now sd17 has blocked myself and dh but was around from my daughter's birth from literally the day she was born in the hospital til 4 years old. I've tried to talk to bm about why and she changes the subject and says she doesn't want to be involved. We were lost for many months as to why the sudden blocking and ignoring until I found this very very hateful hateful angry posts about how I'm a manipulator, how dad has a new family and only loves our dd (5) how he pays little child support it went on and on. Last time we saw her was last Christmas and it was very nice! Nothing bad happened so for it be out of no where is odd and confusing.blocked us both and her older sister(19) visits often and talks to all of us but she says she doesn't want to be involved either.
Anyway Ive been around 13 years. Ups and downs with bm. My dh and bm haven't spoken in years. Very broken unsteady relationships and I've finally checked out. I was very hesitant for the girls to even meet my child because they have done this back and forth so long to us.
I'm done trying to reach out or figure it out. But now my child who's very smart constantly asks where younger sister is and why she doesn't call. It's been close to a year of lying to her-I tell her she's sick , busy , vacation friends work I've made it all up...because idk she's 5?? But she will eventually catch on. Question is, is there a child like way to explain? Should I just come out and say teenagers are weird and we are waiting on when she's ready to talk? I don't want my daughter to have her feelings hurt anymore.
She's busy... she;s at her
She's busy... she;s at her moms.. repeat.. reapeat. I don't think there is any way to explain the complexity to a 5 yo
It's not appropriate to
It's not appropriate to explain the truth as she wouldn't understand but what I'm saying is that it's almost been a year and she keeps asking and I keep saying she's busy ect. But then she asks why she can't call her or why she doesn't call anymore(used to call often). I'm asking for help what to say. Not to lie forever
BTDT. You tell that SD is a
BTDT. You tell that SD is a teenage and at the part in life where she is trying figure out how to be an adult. One day you will go thru it too.
I like this. Just leave it at
I like this. Just leave it at that? Any other words?
I don't like the idea of
I don't like the idea of "normalizing" this behavior; it isn't normal and most teens don't act like this. Why not tell your child that it's complicated and you don't know the "whys," but that it has nothing to do with her.
Your 100% correct. I have
Your 100% correct. I have friends with teens who never say these are common issues. Any suggestions what to say?
How about adding and
How about adding and admiting the truth in that "I don't know when we will see her".
Yes I've said this too. That
Yes I've said this too. That she's super busy and idk when we will see her
I didn't explain much but
I didn't explain much but just kept it to obvious life changes as you grow up. My ours baby watch 4 sisters grow and leave. In a healthy environment, it's a natural progression. Granted step life around here is rarely healthy but focusing on healthy patterns over highlighting the drama from HC skids is preferable. My youngest is now 15 and in her mind college is a given. Moving out is a given. Launching is a given. She's seen it and it's expected. Isn't that what you want for you kid... Life goals? Focus on the drama and you will get drama. IMO.
Stop lying to her. Don't under estimate the ability of a 5yo to
Don't under estimate the ability of a 5yo to understand. Kids are smart. They understand more than you think. Particularly when it is explained to them and they are kept abreast of the facts in an age appropriate manner.
We had to learn this lesson very early in our blended family adventure. We married the week prior to SS-32 turning 2yo. The toxic opposition forced our hand early and kept forcing our hand updating SS's understanding of the facts in an age appropriate manner as he grew up. He loved them. We fostered that by confirming that message but countering their toxicity with the facts. They gave us no choice and SS needed to be able to protect himself from their lies, manipulations, toxicity, and PAS crap.
Your DD is in the best possible position in a blended family environment. She has her mom and dad in an intact home. However, you need to start introducing her with the facts as they apply to her life with an older half sib who is drinking the toxic shallow and polluted gene pool Kool-Aid on the toxic side of her parent duo.
IMHO this will also help your DH learn how to be the best dad to his little one and insulate her from his failed family baggage.
Good luck.
Take care of that precious little girl. The SD, at this point, is a write off and her toxicity has to be countered.
IMHO of course.
I might just say that she is
I might just say that she is at her moms house and you don't know why she hasn't visited or called in a long time and then ask your daughter if she misses her sister.
I've been saying this for 9
I've been saying this for 9 months now
She wonders why she csnt call her(I'm blocked)
Eventually she will just stop
Eventually she will just stop asking. I went through this with my kids and why my dad wasn't around. They forgot eventually and life went on. For personal reasons my dad isn't around.
Awe thats so sad. After 9
Awe thats so sad. After 9 months I thought the asking would slow down but she still asks to call her and see her.
Did you really think the ex was going to help you ?
SD went from queen of the family to just a second class member. BD became the new queen. BD gets everything as she should. SD gets CS. Now in the summer you are family vacation at the "North Pole". "Santa workshop" a place a 17 yo would not be caught dead in. She sees the writing on the walls from queen to adult in one birth.
BD birthday just opens the wounds. With the party at chuckey cheese
Yes u are correct. I didn't
Yes u are correct. I didn't see it this way before. It helps me accept it. My only fear is hurting my child, as she's all love. She really is the sweetest kindest kid who wants to love everyone.
Age appropriate explanations
Age appropriate explanations of the facts. She lives with her mother, she does not live with us. She isn't visiting right now. She does not want to talk with us right now. It is not your fult.
Add deeper reference to the facts in an age appropriate manner as she grows up.
Kids need the facts to protect them from the toxicity in the opposition and to be able to protect themselves when they reach adulthood. The toxic don't stop just because a kid becomes an adult.
Even a kid who is not a Skid and who is in their core family should have the facts about mommy's or daddy's toxic prior failed family progeny when that progeny is toxic. Facts are neither good nor are they bad. They are merely facts.
When an older half sib is toxic, read the victim kid in on the facts and update as events unfold.
IMHO of course.
SD is 17 she's probably gonna
SD is 17 she's probably gonna lose interest in 2 years but still make occasional snide comments about how "daddy wasn't there because of blank" (when in reality daddy makes his own choices and they need to stop projecting their own problens on other people like you or your daughter).
You won't have to make excuses for long. The age gap is in your favor. She will get BF or something soon as she becomes an adult and be distracted and not want to see your daughter.