Go or don’t go

For everyone following my posts , I just want to get an idea of if everyone thinks I should go to this senior night "extravaganza" or stand my ground and not go. Thanks

RockyRoads's blog
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I am inclined to say no.

If though you two can have a calm open conversation where he expresses why he would really appreachiate your support and you can express your worries/misgivings and can find some compromises that work for you then I might modify that to a maybe. This is if he can go from demanding your attendance to realizing that he is asking a big favor of you.

Personally I have pledged (to myself) to never attend any events at which BM is in attendance, but so far it's been easy for me as we are long distance.

I wouldn't go. Not after how

I wouldn't go. Not after how he treats you and just overall how things have happened.. How he allows his kids to walk all over them without doing anything about it and allows bio mom to do whatever but he wants to control YOU (only). I'd be pissed about how he is trying to have that control over you but he can't handle parenting his kids...

So I wouldn't go. It would send the message you are trying to send. You already told him a boundary.

Go, you can always leave!

You can only control what you can control. You didn’t mention the details of the event, so let's break it down:

Will you be seated with BM?

What time’s dinner? (Hey, at least it’s a free meal.)

How long are you expected to stay?

If you're feeling uncertain, start preparing for a well-timed headache when you’re getting ready. Do you have an Uber app on your phone? Perfect. Here’s a thought: you could go with your DH, though you're fighting a terrible headache, of course, but you’re doing it for the sake of your marriage. RockyRoads, you need to learn to act.

Go, get your free meal, and play the perfect little Stepford Stepmom that you are. Smile through it, nod politely. But when the moment feels right, that headache of yours? It escalates. You’re suddenly in so much pain that DH has no choice but to either call 9-1-1 or let you take an Uber home.

Do this a few times, and soon your DH will be going to these events alone while you softly protest in the background, "DH, I’m so sorry, I wish I didn’t have this headache…my period is killing me, or I'm catching the flu...or panic attack when you see BM.”

If the headache route feels wrong, if you're a gym rat, throwing your back out the night before works just as well! Better actually, because you can walk around like a monkey bent over and your DH will insist that you stay home and take care of yourself.

Every stepmother has to learn the art of fighting without fighting. Bruce Lee had a way of fighting without fighting; see this video clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xNToJwKE4F0

There is a scene in the 1973 kung fu classic “Enter the Dragon” where a man walks around a boat bullying passengers. When the man accosts Bruce Lee by throwing air strikes near his face, Lee unflinchingly looks at him and replies, “don’t waste yourself.”

“What’s your style?” the bullying man asks.

“The art of fighting without fighting,” says Lee.

“Show me some of it.”

Lee tries to walk off, but the bullying man insists he show him what the “art of fighting without fighting” looks like. Since the boat was crowded, Lee suggests that they take a dingy to a nearby beach for more space. As the bully boards the dingy, Lee releases slack from the rope, watching the dingy with the bully inside drift away. Lee then releases the rope to the bully’s onetime victims who laugh heartily as the dingy takes on water from the crashing waves.

Rocky Roads, you have to learn to fight without fighting!

I haven't read all of this

I haven't read all of this but I can answer the questions. It is $60 . No free meal. There will be 5 girls and if I go 12 adults. The girls sit at one table and the adults sit at another. We have to sit and watch clips of the girls throughout their cheerleading career. So a lot of I remember when they were so young and so on.

How long is the event? I’m

How long is the event? I’m asking in case you forgot, you have a UTI (wink, wink) and you have to go to the bathroom a lot. While you are in the bathroom, you can keep us all updated on what is going on.

Bring ear plugs and listen to music or watch tv while you are in the pot.

I say this with the greatest

I say this with the greatest respect....read back over all your past blogs. The answer is obvious: Don't Go.

This guy is a control freak (to you) with zero apparent redeeming qualities, according to the picture you have painted in your blogs.

I stand by what I said in your last blog....you need to make plans to leave this guy IMO.

Don't go. You've got bigger

Don't go. You've got bigger problems in your marriage than this one. His lack of respect for his life partner is atrocious. You have to get thru to him one way or another that you should come first. Not going to this event is your moment. Talking to a lawyer and getting some facts about your situation might be next.

You deserve better. We all do.

Please do not go. There are

Please do not go. There are many circumstances where I would advise a stepmom to attend an event like this either to support their skid or their partner. Yours is not one of them. This man is trying to control you. I honestly don't know how you could even stomach sitting next to him if you did give in. He has no respect for you, or really for himself when it comes down to it. Neither he nor your SD deserve your time.

Do you want to go? That is

Do you want to go? That is the answer. If i advised you to go it would only be because i want to read about the sh!tshow afterwards for my own entertainment. If you want to witness the sh!tshow for YOUR own entertainment, go. Or, if you truly want to go and be a support for your SO, think it would actually help, and think you could sit through it without wanting to self-mutilate, go. Otherwise, don't go.

You don't want to go, right? Definitely don't go if your only reason would be that your SO is bullying you and you are caving to the pressure. HE has established that he is ok being bullied by BM and the skids. Don't let someone that pathetic bully YOU.

ETA i'm not trying to make light of self-mutilation. I've been to events that stressed me so bad i started picking scabs and pulling my own hair out. Seriously, events with BM and skids (or in-laws who are in love with BM in my case) can be that bad.

Only go

if you want the abusive behavior to continue.

I just can't understand how this relationship is better than being alone. I don't understand why both of you refuse to leave this twisted relationship where you are clearly making each other miserable.

You want him to be a relatively "normal" divorced dad when it is obvious that he is incapable of doing so. He wants to have his old, unhealthy relationship with his ex and kids and for you to be okay with that. Since you refuse to play the game by his rules he bullies you in hopes that he can win that way.

I want better for you. You should, too. Seriously.

I wouldn't go. You have

I wouldn't go. You have stated your boundaries very clearly and firmly. Now, he absolutely had the right to ASK you if you wanted to go, just in case, but that's not what he did. No, he tried to ORDER you to go and harassed to a out it to try and wear you down. Nope, not on.

Can you go and stay with friends/family fir a few days ti give both of you time to think things over? If you can, do. Let him know why you're doing it and be explicit.

I don’t think this

qualifies as a must event with BM. I say no go. Graduation is the only event I would go to

I would not go.. but because

I would not go.. but because I wouldn't be staying with him.

There is also the possibility that you stand your ground and he doesn't break it off... but you know the risk is there.. do you want to take it

If you want to stay with him... this may be one of the many prices of admission.

or... if you need some finite amount more time to get your ducks in a row.. you may need to give in order to keep the peace.

It's not a matter of "should you suck it up".. it's a matter of are you willing to leave the relationship if he deems your non-attendance as unacceptable and decides to end things with you.

^agreed

Trust me. From someone who's partner was very similar in "bend over backwards for entitled spawns n exes to the detriment of anything else" type of behavior

.... saying no to their request to spend time with their family may very likely put you in the crosshairs of multiple arguments (or worse)

So many times where I had to acquiesce to the dude so that I could sleep at night (arguing all day ironically causes insomnia for me)

Sometimes standing your ground means you will at some point soon, need to leave the shared space and/or leave the relationship

Some of these men are petty af and have long memories

Im not saying you should do something you don't want to do

Im saying every action will have a reaction. So be prepared to move accordingly.

Ack

I do get what you're saying but I think you just gave her an out:

"or... if you need some finite amount more time to get your ducks in a row.. you may need to give in order to keep the peace."

A period of time that stretches into the far distant future can still be finite. I cannot tell you how many times I created a new "deadline" for ending my first marriage. I would feel all pumped up every time I did because to make a plan felt like taking action.

I was afraid of what was on the other side. Turns out it was pretty great.

On the subject of leaving.. I

On the subject of leaving.. I mean.. yeah.. there will likely never be a perfect time. But, there can be a case for setting a reasonable goal to sock away some money.. line up housing etc.. so my point to finite was more along the line with .. I want to make it happen and CAN make it happen if I save 3,000 dollars and that should take me 6 months..

But, if it's some pie in the sky amount.. that will take years.. no.. you need to figure out what you can do now.. even if it means your quality of living will be lesser than you have now..

It's not so much that I am giving her the out though.. because not everyone is truly ready or willing to leave... people stay in relationships for a lot of reasons.. and we can look from the outside and tell them they are crazy for staying in a relationship with someone so controlling.. but we aren't living their lives... and there is only so much we can advise..

I was in an abusive relationship and it did take time to exit.. mainly because he was living in my house.. so leaving wasn't an option..haha... and I didn't want him to destroy everything I had.. or hurting me.. so getting it to a point where it was at least somewhat mutual and he was ready (had another sucker on the hook).. needed to happen for me to feel safe. One of the nicest surprises I ever had was doing my occasional "google" on his name and seeing an obituary for him. He was dangerous and I always dreaded some random running into him situation... no worries for that now.

So, I get not being able to think you can make the move immediately.. shoot.. my EX husband and I lived together for three months after we decided to split when we had to sell our home across the country before we both moved home. (separate bedrooms of course).

Biding your time has a place in things.. but the bottom line is that RR also has to know WHAT she wants... and she may need to come to the acceptance that what she wants and what she has and will always have are two different things.. and that she can either decide to be accepting and happy with what she CAN have.. or she needs to cut ties and go find her peace elsewhere.. but only she can truly decide when it is at that point she has to be going..

Clearly

as confusing as this relationship is to us on the outside it must be equally confusing - or more confusing - to the actual players.

I for sure would NOT go.

You have stated your boundaries many times and he keeps ignoring them. Not only does he ignore them, he tramples all over them, demanding that you do this or that. That is not a partnership and it's so disrespectful. You are not his property, he doesn't own you, and he cannot DEMAND that you do anything.

He can be a big boy and go by himself.

DH can not be that delusional

That he thinks his DW and his old lover BM are going to get along. That his DW will do some uncomfortable things for her because she loves her DH. SD. Wedding < her graduation, birth of GK. BUT he knows this list is small. Cheering dinner is not on that list. Expecally if BM is present. DH had to know when he divorced BM, went into a new relationship. That he has to give up things.
'HIS DW and BM interactions is one of them. DH of course wants to be part of all his DD is involved in. But he face that all up in the divorce,,

'What also goes to the other common discussion.. to stay or leave. If you leave this is a thing you will be giving up.

I have to add more to my list

I have to add more to my list of the kids not caring. SD stopped by to pick up her pay for pet sitting. There is a community day tomorrow. I know this because of social media. SD will be in the parade and then be working at a booth because it is a school based community day. SO asked her what was going on this weekend and she didn't tell him about this. He also asked her about senior night festivities again and she said she didn't know anything and said she had to leave. I am going to my nephews football game tonight and I had to tell SO. He says do you want me to go it is up to you . I said nothing you do is up to me you can make up your own mind. He is saying it is up to me if he goes because he wants to say I made him go and then he can turn that around on me. Well I don't need him with me and my family because I enjoy being around them, I am a grown up, and can do these things without him. My nephew WANTS me there.

Would it be

more fun for you if he didn't go? If so, tell him that - and why.

Question?

Do you think the Skids have the same problem with their dad as you - he's very controlling and wants to run their lives. What was the reason DH and the BM divorced?

That is actually a very good

That is actually a very good question.

Sometimes we have been told that the EX is the problem.. but over time, we do see things in our spouses that someone else might have had a hard time living with.

If her husband is one that was controlling and demanding.. his family life could have suffered for it.. and his Ex has swung the pendulum in the other direction by giving her kids what they want.. perhaps because dad was so strict in the early years.. now, he has lost control over the other side.. his EX won.

All he can do is make demands of OP now..

BM cheated on him for years.

BM cheated on him for years. She never cooked or cleaned or helped with anything around the house. She would leave the kids with her mom when SO would work out of town. When he was home she would leave him with the kids and all the house work. She would say she had out of town work related meetings and would be hooking up . I guess there was a lot of fighting, so I shouldn't be surprised he wants to fight with me. His parents also always fought. I think he thinks it is normal. But the last person she cheated on him with she is still with .And I am not saying she is a bad mom. The kids have always gotten everything they wanted. She immediately had him move in with her and the kids. And I know that there are two sides to the story but I have heard this from BMs dad and stepmom also. My SO has been through a lot. The therapist even told him he needs a lot of help , he just won't do it because he thinks thing are fine the way they are.

What you've described points

What you've described points to the possibility that BM was either deeply immature or dealing with a personality disorder—or perhaps both. Cheating is often a symptom of deeper issues, not the whole problem itself. It’s not just about the affair; it’s about what led up to that behavior and the deeper dysfunction in the person’s character.

As for your SO, it’s clear he’s been through a lot, but if he refuses to acknowledge that he needs help—even after a therapist suggested it—then you’re in a tough position. You can’t force someone to change or seek help if they don’t think there’s a problem. The only thing you can do is focus on yourself, your own growth, and your own well-being.

Remember, you have the power to change your reactions, your boundaries, and your own life. You can’t fix others who don’t want to be fixed, but you can protect and take care of yourself.

I also wonder if OP is

I also wonder if OP is getting an exaggerated version of events. At the very least she is only getting what her SO tells her, and he has snuck (sneaked?) around and been less than honest with her about his communication with BM (hiding in the hotel bathroom on vacay talking to BM.)

As a survivor of a blessedly

As a survivor of a blessedly short marriage to a serially adulterous cavern crotched skank whore of an XW, I go with the KISS model. Keep It Stupid Simple.

There is no mitigating excuse for being a cheater and the cheater is a characterless POS. Period. Dot.

Simple. Direct. Factual. Why they do it is irrelevant. I might give some quarter on my opinion if the cheater is an abuse victim being abused by their spouse. But it would require clear proof that was the case. With a cheater, there is no benefit of the doubt.

A cheating POS is a cheating POS. Even if they move the last fuck buddy in immediately after the cuckholded victim leaves and the cheater remains with that fuck buddy for the rest of their cheating POS waste of skin characterless life. The same applies to a characterless POS cheater of a nonman who moves his fuck buddy in immediately after his cuckqueaned victim leaves.

I was DH #1. At last count my skank whore of an XW is on DH #3 and has 3 all out of wedlock spawn. Her eldest and youngest are cheat babies conceived by someone other than her DH at the time. She was knocked up by her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy with her eldest while we were married . He gave her the second product of her polluted womb before he married her. She got knocked up with #3 while cheating on him with the cheat buddy who would become her 3rd DH. She may be up to half a dozen DHs by now and any number of cheat babies. The last I heard anything about her was a couple of decades ago.

So, yes, I have issues with anyone who would cheat. Regardless of if they are a male adulterer or a female adulteress.

Cheating pos

cheating POS is a cheating POS. Even if they move the last fuck buddy in immediately after the cuckholded victim leaves and the cheater remains with that fuck buddy for the rest of their cheating POS waste of skin characterless life.

Omg your descriptions though....Lol!!!

Sometimes it feels like stepparenting with a Disneyland parent is a form of financial domination/cuckholding too

Cant explain how I felt like a sister wife to the dudes conniving ex wive he bended over backwards (to "keep the peace" "for the sake of his kids") at the detriment of my peace in my home

At the end of the day Disneyland parents need to be single or find partners who don't mind being financially dominated/cuckholded for the sake of someone else's household benefits

The whole sister wives thing

The whole sister wives thing does not even work on TV when everyone seems to get along. Throw in the toxic manipulative X element and it is a true shit show.

I am so glad you are enjoying your life with that whole thing in your past.

If he controlled the kids

If he controlled the kids when they were young I don't know. But for the last four years all I have seen is the kids calling the shots. Basically the only rule he had was they couldn't eat or drink except in the kitchen. They were allowed water in other rooms to drink. They never had chores or a curfew . He let them decide what they wanted to eat, even if one kid wanted something and the other wanted something else. I can remember he had so much different food, just in case his kids wanted it. If they would ask and he didn't have it he would apologize. He would let them control the TV in the main room. I ended up putting a TV in the other room no one used for some reason. They were always allowed to join whatever sport or activity they wanted to. So I have never seen him do that with them.

It sounds like a Disneyland

It sounds like a Disneyland Daddy with massive Divorce Daddy Guilt.

^do we have the same

^do we have the same Disneyland dad as a bio parent?

I don't do "kid centered" households unless the kids are breastfeeding or disabled .... and even then still gotta balance time for other obligations

If I pay one bill up in this house and/or if my partner is expecting physical intimacy ..... best believe I'm leading this household in a way that is more effective for the peaceful environment that these Disneyland dads act like they're incapable of providing

your unruly spawns don't like rules, being held accountable for errors, age appropriate responsibility, being raised to a standard of excellence where they give back to the community and respect their trustworthy elders then KEEP THEM KIDS OVER THERE

seeing my ex fiancé running a heavily BM pleasing / kid centric household on a weekly basis ..... sent me over the edge to the point I procured my own adult centric space.

I'll be damned if I come out with PTSD cause these mfs can't properly raise their kids and bringing that baggage in my home.

Good grief, he,wants to tell

Good grief, he wants to tell people that the only reason he is there is because you MADE him do it? Has he no balls at all? Absolutely do not waver from "you can come if you want to - it makes no difference to me."

Go and enjoy the evening.

He wants to be able to say I

He wants to be able to say I made him come so that he can tell me that he does what I want him to do for my family and I need to do the same for his. I have never once forced him to go to anything with my family.

These Disneyland Daddies can

These Disneyland Daddies can’t or won’t play the Sesame Street Game:

One of these things is not like the others

One of these things doesn't belong

Can you tell which thing is not like the other

By the time we finish our song?

The scenario you described is classic: they’ll attend events with your family, where they’re treated with respect and kindness, but then flip it around and guilt-trip you for not wanting to spend time at their family functions. They omit the, which of these things is not like the others…. they refuse to see the glaring difference between a healthy environment where they’re treated well and the toxic cesspool, they expect their partners to wade through. They somehow manage to overlook the disrespect, manipulation, and mistreatment from their kids or ex, yet act confused—or worse, offended—when stepparents don’t want to subject themselves to it.

They’re willfully blind to the emotional toll that dealing with these "toxic pond scum" environments takes on their partners, and instead, they twist it into a guilt trip, making it seem like the stepparent is the one with the problem.

It’s an emotional manipulation tactic, especially if he’s leaning toward being a bully, covert NPD. These types often play the martyr or victim, completely overlooking the reality of how they—and by extension, you—are treated in each setting by the very people, the skids, they worship. Just as long as he gets to play ‘happy family’ with his skids, the hell with how you are treated or feel.

My SO loved hanging with ny

My SO loved hanging with ny family until i spoke up about how i was treated by his. Now, i think he tries to find things to be upset about when we see mine, to make it "even." Though it's not even close to even. My family includes him and his kids on vacation, gets them Christmas presents, etc. His family pretends my kids and i don't exist. He also did that with my ex. His ex was VERY present. I spoke up about it (she would come over to his house and cook/host family dinners with him though she is married to another guy who didn't know about it.) The next time an issue came up with MY ex was about 2 years later because i had boundaries. My SO pitched a huge fit. He later admitted it didn't even really bother him, he just wanted to show me how it felt.

Even my bride had a bit of this going for a while.

Her family is very cyclical and cliqish with internal factions playing shunning games that waft through the whole dynamic in various waves and configurations.

Periodically for a number of years she would try to highlight some relationship element in my family. It seemed to arrise during or shorly after some major flare up of subversive demonize one person or anyother in her own family. I learned to not engage in discussion on it, I just gave the "I'm sorry you feel that way." and let it pass. At least most of the time.

There has been none of that in a very long time. I think that she has realized that things in my family dynamic are pretty much fixed and there is not any subversive crap going on. We are not perfect by any measure, but we are also not into backstabbing or undermining each other. Things are discussed. Heck, everything is discussed though that is from the perspective of concern and not to embarrass or alienate anyone as tends to be the case in my IL clan.

100% Correct

Reading the post Toaster replied to, my thought was "Wow, sounds like the same covert narcissist playbook my xH used." It was EXHAUSTING to live like that - hyper-alert to the selfish, manipulative "negotiations" and "power plays" that come disguised as "friendly conversation" but are really set-ups to rope you into "signing on" for future accusations.

Then Toaster reply spells it out, 100% accurate. "If you know, you know," and having married & divorced a covert narcissist, I'm able to recognize this. I lived it!

OMG I am so grateful that's not part of my life anymore!!

YOU WROTE:

Rumplestiltskin WROTE:

His ex was VERY present -she would come over to his house and cook/host family dinners with him though she is married to another guy who didn't know about it.

My SO pitched a huge fit. He later admitted it didn't bother him at all; he just wanted to show me how it felt.

All I can say is, "Houston, we've had a PROBLEM!"

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