He will never stop
You all know that SD does not want SO to walk with hwr in Senior night. I don't know where that stands at this point. But SO gets a text from BM about the senior cheerleaders having a dinner for them and the parents before the game. I have been told by SO I have to go with him. I told him no. He of course isn't taking no for an answer and has ordered the tickets. He said I have to do this for him and SD. What type of abuse is this that he isn't respecting me.
- RockyRoads's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
Not to be disrespectful, but
Not to be disrespectful, but I am team DH on this one. This is not disrespect. IMHO this is DH growing a pair, taking assertive action, and asking for his bride to be at his side as he does it.
You may find that if you work together on this you may find a deeper connection together.
One thing for sure, when they overstepped and got stupid, the SpermClan faced us both as an inseparable force for their demise.
I would suggest that you sit down with DH and discuss things so you can move forward in countering his XW's toxicity together. This includes setting your baseline for partnering in working together to get SD positioned to recognize her mother's toxic crap and manipulation.
It worked well for DW and I and for SS. Kids need the facts and the reliable backing of the quality side of their gene pool to neutralize the shallow and toxic side of their gene pool.
You may find that repartnering together with DH takes you out of the victim perspective and puts you firmly in the ranks of the empowered, as a couple, together.
Good luck.
Well #1 you can't get more
Well #1 you can't get more offended than your spouse (well you can but your energy will be wasted)
I could be wrong but it seems like he's glad to be included in at least part of the event as a parent and perhaps like rags mention you consider going to support your spouse since your spouse requests your presence.
If you refuse to accommodate your spouse during a milestone event.....just be ready for the reaction which may not be good (some men are more pissy and petty than us women)
SD didnt ask him to attend.
SD didnt ask him to attend. It is an email forwarded by BM to SO letting him know this is something going on. And I still don't know if SD is letting SO walk on the field. I want to hold firm that all I am willing to attend is SD graduation (if I am still around until then) He is basically demanding I attend. It was not a question to me if I would go. He said I will be going. Also if I go to this the while walking on the field is right after it. Something I do not want to be at. I can't attend one thing and then not show up for the next.
I want to hold firm that all
did y'all discuss on the front end what events you'd expect each other to attend? If not may want to revisit that conversation
please forgive me if I'm missing details about this (like if he's trying to use you for arm candy or jealousy baiting his ex) .... from my experience when men insist you go to something (especially if those kids are involved) then they are asking for your support so they won't be alone like the average single dude
not sure why you can't go to just one and not the other
i don't advocate lying but ..... embellish the truth
tell him you have a mandatory engagement where your employer called you in during the walking on field event, tell him you have diarrhea (call him from the bathroom and let some canned corn fall in the toilet where he can hear), etc
or just tell him straight up "look Bob we will take 2 cars, I will support YOU by going to ONE event (the dinner) but I'm not able to attend the later event. And that's final!"
But yeah what if ... your sd surprised him and he walks her on the field (and you could walk in the field too with your spouse)
....idk I hope things work in a way where everyone can be mostly happy
He is not
asking her to support him. He is telling her what she is going to do. There is a difference.
He is ignoring her feelings as he always does and this time he is flat out treating her as if she is his possession. He ordered the tickets AFTER she told him she wasn't going to go.
The more he loses control of his children's lives the more he tries to control RR. This is just wrong.
Yep he is telling me I will
Yep he is telling me I will be going to support him and SD. He said I need to be there for her this year since she is a senior. He has known for over a year I wasn't going to attend senior night. He has also known months I wasn't attending a single sporting event. Plus after everything else that has gone on and they have specifically said they don't want to be around SO I have told him I am done for now with them.
So why is he firm and
So why is he firm and demanding and controlling with you only but not his kids and bio mom... That's the part that bothers me in all this...
If he can be firm with you then why can't he ever be firm with them? Why is he such a pushover with them?
If it were me I would point that out when he's being a weenie/pushover with his kids. Why the double standard here? Say I've seen you step up... You need to be firm in this situation
Her SO
is the classic bully. He only goes after those he believes are weaker than him and has less respect for.
You "need" to be there for
You "need" to be there for her? This is industrial strength delusion at play. SD has made it more than clear that she wants nothing to do with either of you. She might even interpret your presence as harassment.
He is telling her what she is
I get what you're saying
But half these men out here are barely in tune with their own feelings let alone someone else's/a woman's feelings
Again, if I'm missing parts of the story forgive me
He probably ordered the tickets in case they worked it out and she changed her mind or (worst case) he had to ask someone else to accompany him.
Men in relationships (from my experience) don't want to go to these family events alone.
If you have a wife or significant other and you show up to these milestone events alone .... that puts your relationship issues (to people who know you) on display for the public to analyze
Him being insistent on op attendance could be a mix of everything (ego, wanting so/spouse support, anxiety, possible embarrassment etc) which comes off as controlling
Hopefully there is some resolution for everyone involved ....
If you want to stay in the relationship then consider a compromise but if you're over this relationship then do whatever your intuition is guiding you to do
Husbands and wives
want and need things from each other. But they don't get to bully their spouse into doing something they don't want to do.
I'm firmly in the do not go
I'm firmly in the do not go camp.
This guy has no right to tell you what to do, or tell you that you're going somewhere when you have already declined.
I think you should get your ducks in a row and leave him, sooner rather than later.
He is emotionally abusive. I advise you to go to a women's shelter. Just get the hell away from this mentally unwell man.
I'm team go.
I'm team go.
DH told his kid he wanted to be informed. He's been informed. He should go.
Would I want to go? No way. Would I go with my spouse to support him? Absolutely.
His kids didn't inform him.
His kids didn't inform him. This came from the BM. SD not ask him to attend this.
My assumption (and I know
My assumption (and I know that can be wrong) is that SD talked to BM after the conversation DH had with SD over informing him of things. BM forwarded the email as the email had come to her, not SD. My assumption (could be wrong again) is that she would not have forwarded it otherwise. I see SD's (probable) conversation with BM as the reason it was forwarded.
DH complained he was not informed. He's been informed. He's going.
Every step situation has its own nuance. Every marriage is different.
I've gone to things that I really didn't want to. I did it to support my husband.
Did I enjoy it? Absolutely not. I did it because it was the right thing to do for my marriage.
I did it to support my husband. I'd go.
Your decision may be different.
I could be wrong but I don't
I could be wrong but I don't think the BM would invite him if she knew the SD would have a conniption fit ... not during an important event.
My kid has told me not to come to events .... and my happy a$$ showed up anyways (which she later admitted she was just in a pissy mood at that time and was later glad I came)
These kids are moody, hormonal, impulsive, and don't fully grasp how their actions will affect the future
We lead them .... not the other way around
***just my opinion though you gotta do what's best for you/your situation
Or the BM invited him in the
Or the BM invited him in the hope that, if he turned up, it would be the last nail in the coffin of his relationship with his kids.
BINGO!
This is a setup/trap to complete the humiliation process. Puts me in mind of when the Girhippo "invited" Chef to Pumpkinhead's (OSS) wrestling matches after she had completely PASed him out. He turned red faced and screamed hatred at Chef so that the entire gymnasium heard him and all heads turned.
You know if that lady is that
You know if that lady is that petty then shame on her
I'd be messy right back and hollar out "Thanks Betty for the invite" in front to the SD ... then forward the text for proof
eff that conniving BM
If I recall, you've made it
If I recall, you've made it very clear that you will not be attending any stepkid events, right? It's crazy that he continues to push your boundaries around this. It seems very controlling, like maybe he feels the need to assert his will over you because he can't get his kids to do what he wants. If I were you, I would not give in. If you do, he's going to continue to try to get you to make exceptions.
I have made it clear several
I have made it clear several times that I don't wan to attend anything except graduation. He has already made me go to two birthday dinners. He will continue to do this to me. Yes the more control he is losing of the kids the more he is trying to control me.
I have made it clear several
Ohhhh ok well disregard my previous comment about going to events
He's already aware but trying to convince you to change your mind for his precious innocent spawn
You may want to have a conversation with him again about this. His insistence on you attending events and your insistence on limiting it to one event could cause serious strife in your relationship
She’s had
this conversation multiple times. Unfortunately, he's won some of the battles which makes him keep on bullying her.
I agree with this. She has
I agree with this. She has her boundaries for a reason here and he stomps on them
Seems to me that he's also
Seems to me that he's also stomping on his daughter's boundaries though they haven't been so clearly stated.
Trying to force your partner
Trying to force your partner to do something they don't want to do, and have made clear they are not prepared to do - is completely unacceptable. Rocky Roads does not "have to" go with SO - if he tries to force her by threats or iintimidation - this is coercive control which is grounds for criminal proceedings in the UK.
Criminal proceedings for
Criminal proceedings for intimidation, interesting . I bet that would be hard to prove in situations like this. And could you imagine if it hit the news. I sure wouldn't look like Step mom of the year. Headlines: Loving dad has charges filed against him because step monster won't attend sweet step daughters senior night events. lol.
A week ago, DH attended his
A week ago, DH attended his niece's wedding where the rest of his family live - 200 miles away. All the people who have made it clear they dislike me, over the years - were there - and I told DH when we were invited to this that I was not going to go. He accepted my decision graciously and went with his daughters. He later told me I would have hated it and I'd made the right decision.
Headlines: Loving dad has
"Petty step-monster neglects doting father and innocent step child .... How step parents destroy kids lives one senior night at a time"
Just kidding .... stepparents get vilified regardless of what they do/don't do ----- so do what you feel is right for you
Funny
DH can not control SD. taking crumbs. But he think he can control you. Going to a dinner you don't want to be hear with BM I assume. I would not go to things BM will be at graduation is one thing you have to girl up to. But not walking in, cheering dinner with BM. No ...just No. No is a complete sentence l
Have you two tried couples
Have you two tried couples therapy? He needs a lesson in healthy communication.
We went. The therapist told
We went. The therapist told him that he needs alot of help . He said he didn't care how the kids and ex treated him, that he will take what he can get. The therapist told him to stop involving me when I don't want to be involved. He won't listen.
You have told him you are not going, now quit talking about it.
You have told him you are not going, now quit talking about it. When he brings it up, ignore him or change the subject. The easiest thing to do would be to not be home during the event. If you are home, what will he do - physically try and make you go? If he does, call the cops. This man is emotionally abusing you, it won't take much for him to cross the line to physical abuse. Please be careful.
Why are you putting up with
Why are you putting up with this? He cannot DEMAND that you do anything. Stick to your guns, he's not the boss of you!
If you don't want to go, don
If you don't want to go, don't go. Don't let this guy who obeys BM and the skids like a masochistic lapdog bully you.
Don't go. Stand firm. He
Don't go. Stand firm. He already knows how you feel so he should quit badgering.
OP, why are you still living
OP, why are you still living with this man?
I see that you wrote in this thread that he "already made you go to two birthday dinners".
How did he "make you" go? Did he physically force you into the car? Or did he scream and yell until you just went along to "keep the peace"?
Either scenario is very very wrong, in fact criminal. I read over all your past blogs, and they are very concerning.
Are you scared of him? There are people and organisations who will help you leave him.
I urge you strongly to do exactly that.
LEAVE HIM.
It will never stop
Because BM wants control. Of your life's, as much as she can. I say again a Cheerleader dinner is not a must do event with BM. When SH divorced BM and went into a relationship with you. He guaranteed himself to miss events with DD. We all don't want to be around the ex,
Side note: my ex Disneyland
Side note: my ex Disneyland dad would have meltdowns if I didn't attend his family events - especially with his kids
He knew better than to ask me to attend events where his conniving ex wife was (cause girl ... I'm not violent but that itchB right there was more than in need of a swift boot to her flat a$$)
I would go to keep the relationship but it got to the point I didn't want to be fake around his family just to soothe his ego. Like let work on the relationship obstacles first then let's focus on the events.
He went to events by himself
He went to events by himself before me he can surely do them now, because with how this relationship is headed he will be doing them alone in the future. He just doesn't want to. He wants it to look as if there are no issues. That me, him and his kids are close. I get that is what he wants. But it is not what I want. The kids just don't care and I am tired of doing things I don't want too.
And besides the fact that you
And besides the fact that you don't want to do them, they are not true, and presenting a false picture to the world. Some deluded Dads don't care if it's a false picture - they just want it to look a certain way, regardless of whether their wives, or indeed their kids, want it. My DH used to be like this, thankfully he has changed.
No, no and no
Just thinking about a scenario where my DH ‘commanded’ me to attend, well, pretty much anything that I did not wish to grace with my presence. Oh, HAHAHAHAHAHA!
In fact, after having made such a ridiculous suggestion (and gotten the predictable response), he’d laugh too and claim that he was, “Just kidding!” Hon, your partner needs a smack upside the head more than he needs a therapist.
Alternatively, Ani et al, time to take a trip to Chez RockyRoads to deliver the ‘Flying Five Fist Monkey Nut Punch'? As usual, Ladies (plus Rags & Harry, if you’re so inclined), I’ll bring the wine and a tray of brownies. Any takers?
Make it low carb and I am in!
Make it low carb and I am in!
Though I prefer the present and confident model to the avoidance model.
I did not abandon my bride to confront the opposition during our 16+ years under the CO. I was right there with her at anything and everything. Yes, we were the CP side so we had that build in advantage. However, tolerance of manipulative bullshit and crap behavior from a kid or adults in teh opposition cannot and should not be tolerated at any level.
IMHO of course.
Bring on the brownies!
In light of his daughter
In light of his daughter wanting to deny him the ability to walk out on the field as her parent, this seems ridiculous.
It's actually very odd that BM is telling him about this dinner.. why would she do that?
If SD doesn't want him on the field.. why would she want him at that dinner?
And.. I would tell him that under no circumstances are you going to the dinner.. period. He can buy the tickets.. he can wait in the car.. but you aren't going.
I would tell him plainly.
"Look, your daughter just told you that she didn't want you to walk out with her on the field and now going to some dinner is supposed to be OK? If she doesn't want you at the field.. do you know if she would want you at the dinner.. have you asked her?"
I do have one small thought about the field issue.. do you think that perhaps him being denied has to do with them/her being worried that "you" would want to or need to be included? I'm not saying this in a "it's your fault" way.. but in a.. he needs to insist on her reasons way.. and if that's it.. he can address it.. and he could even tell her that it wouldn't be an issue because you couldn't go anyway or something.
I don't believe that it has
I don't believe that it has anything to do with me. They are both making it clear they don't like their dad . He just isn't accepting it. I overheard him on the phone with SD and as far as I can tell he will be waking with her. But her answers were yes, no, I don't know. She sounded completely numb to it. In my opinion she is not happy about any of this. But what do I know. And yes I have to stop letting SO walk all over my boundaries or I am just like him. Maybe this will be the breaking point and he will tell me to just leave.
I think you probably have the
I think you probably have the best idea of what is going on. We can often sense these things when we are in the situation. Especially as you are there witnessing it all.
I actually do somewhat
I actually do somewhat believe that if you consistently and firmly and calmly decline to participate.. he will likely back off the expectation you will actually attend these kinds of things.
I mean.. he can't physically throw you in the car.. so, he cannot make you go. He can bribe, cajole, threaten to lleave you.. but he can't make you. You are mad that he won't draw boundaries.. but you let him stomp all over yours.. so you see it's hard to do that sometimes..
But, in the end. "no" is a complete sentence.. and a sufficient reply and you can refuse to go. There may be consequences to not attending for you.. but that's the price of admission in your relationship.