It’s going to be uncomfortable.
Baby shower for my son's baby is upcoming out of state. This will be the really first time having an event with my ex his wife and her kids. As well as ex's family that I have not seen in many years. My daughter who lives with me is actually traveling with my ex and will be staying in a rental home with him and all the rest for a few nights before and I believe the night before event they have dinner planned with my son and his wife. We are not included.
So it will be just me and my husband essentially going to the shower the night before and leaving the next day. How not to feel left out? My daughter is crazy about her steps and likely I will be third wheel.
whose paying for the shower. Mostly me. Lol. Ex's wife is making all the thank you'd and graphic stuff for the party. When I offered to bake for this event the other mother is bringing the cake and my suggestions were shot down as not going with the theme.
I am going to feel so uncomfortable there as it is big social event for ex and his whole family. Which my kids will be a part of the weekend. My husband and I will Be on our own, but how else do others manage things like this I have always placed myself second to ex who always has taken advantage of that
Clarification
Staying in hotel two nights. Night before and after. My daughter staying with ex and his family in large rental with pool etc etc. of course my husband and I are not included in any of that and we will just essentially be seeing everyone at shower then on our own the rest of time. It will make me feel sad but what else to do? Am I being ridiculous? Honestly I secretly don't want to go.
Not…
...ridiculous at all! As I'm reading this, I feel your discomfort. I 100% understand.
I love the suggestions to make it a special trip for you and your husband. Go, enjoy your son, and be your best self. Blessings to you!
You're not being ridiculous
You're not being ridiculous to feel apprehensive about the event. But you'll go and you'll get through it and you will have your hotel room to retreat to.
Can you plan something just for you and your husband on the trip to make it a little special/exciting for you two? Maybe a meal at a fancy restaurant or a trip to a museum or vineyard?
I’ve done
I've planned things to do the day before and the day after. My son reached out and we are doing dinner with him and his wife after the shower that night.
I guess I have not gotten over the estrangement between me and my own family of origin. Without going into the whole twisted events my sibling basically got my parents' whole estate and I was disowned and disinherited. Left to do hospice care for my parent who died in my home. It still hurts terribly and always will.
Oh wow, that does sound like
Oh wow, that does sound like a terrible situation to be rejected after dedicating yourself to your parents like that. It is no wonder that you are looking out for signs of rejection in your relationships so that you can prepare yourself for any potential pain.
Oh F~(# no.
Do not be marginalized. This is your son's couples baby shower for YOUR GK. You are paying. So, go, be radiant, stay at the ritziest spa/resort avaible, have cards printed that you and DH thank everyone for attending your GK's baby shower that clearly presents that you, DH and your family are hosting. Gove your DIL's family a call and offer to put them on the TY card that will be at each place setting at the shower. You may even want to consider calling your X to offer to list him and his DW as well. If they refuse, so be it. But, you are paying, so you decide.
Then... after the shower, go and knock on the door of your X's B&B and "enjoy" the gathering with your DD and likely your DS and DIL. These are not just your Xs kids. They are yours. Be classy, but be overtly present.
If that makes those who have reason to be uncomfortable to be uncomfortable, so be it. That is on them, not you.
This kind of crap chaps my ass to no end and I would not tolerate it. If I were a prior failed family breeder, I would not tolerate being marginalized in the celebrations of my children's lives. Nor would I tolerate my mate being marginalized.
Grrrrrr.
We recently had a family celebration event that is IMHO the prototype of the right way to do these types of things. My youngest nephew (youger bro's youngest) graduated from Engineering school in May. My brother, SIL, DW and I, eldest nephew and his wife all traveled for the graduation and celebration. Youngest nephew's GF also graduated. They lived in an animal house like college rental. 4 boys, 4 young women. The girls lived downstairs each with their own room, the buys upstairs each in their own room. Upstairs was actually the ground floor so all of the guys were between the entry doors and the young ladies. A very gentlemanly set up.
Nephew's GF is a COD. Her dad and his GF, a longterm friend of the family prior to divorce, her mom and two maternal aunts and their DH's or BFs, and her sister all came for graduation. The evening before graduation they hosted an event at their second home. Apparently the XH and XW have made it a point to respect each other and their kids post divorce. They all got along great and it was a wonderful event. The next day was graduation and that night was a celebraton at my brother's Air B&B. GFs entire family was there. Her parents interfaced respectfully and everyone had a great time. Then the next day, the kids hosted a beer bash at their college crash pad for all of their friends and their families. It was amazing. No drama, no crap, no game playing, no rejection of some and engagement of others.
After each event the kids all went back to their group of good kids rental, parents and family of any flavor went back to their own lodging, etc.....
While we were all together celebrating these young people, I could not help but repeatedly smh over the countless STalker stories of toxic crap in these types of situations where Xs are shunned, SParents are shunned, some kids are shunned, others are embraced, etc, etc, etc.... At all of these events there were intact initial couples, Xs, and Xs with subsequent mates. No discernable drama, tension, or sensitive bullshit, no exclusion.
Just healthy celebration.
So, either the oppostion celebrats healthily or, their crap is not tolerated and they can have their noses rubbed in the presence of their discomfort who will not be excluded.
IMHO of course.
Yes!
Bravo! I love this scenario!
I know it's absolutely too
I know it's absolutely too late. .but having a joint shower with the ex was not necessary.
You could have held your own shower for your own friends and family.. and your Ex could have done the same.
IMHO. lots of people have multiple showers (work friends. peers.. family etc.. it's not uncommon)
I agree. Wedding, funeral,
I agree. Wedding, funeral, and graduation *ceremonies* are one thing. It can't be helped that everyone is there together. Everything else can be done separately.
Would it work for you and your DH to have a private lunch with
Would it work for you and your DH to have a private lunch with your son? Or breakfast? I too would be very uncomfortable with this and it iritates me that you are paying and yet not really included. If this happens again, I would have your own shower for them.
Agree
You are stuck going, of course your the third wheel. They are excluded you except where they have to. Get a nice fancy hotel. The kind with room service, spa, restaurant ect. When things get uncomfortable, retreat to said hotel.
There's a possibility , that once there you will find a family member or friend you could relate with.
I had my pity party yesterday.
Talked with my daughter and she says she will do things with me if I want although it puts her in the middle. I don't want that and honestly she will have fun with her steps. So I've made reservations for dinner just me and H at nice restaurants and why waste a great weekend away feeling sorry for myself? I need to stop.
I've usually found that while
I've usually found that while these things are uncomfortable, they are not as bad as I built them up to be. Grit your teeth through what you have to do, and do nice things for yourself (and DH) the rest of the time.
Exactly the right move IMHO.
Exactly the right move IMHO. Don't forget to go to the shower radiant and wearing a classy outfit, shoes, a new makeover and hair style. DH in a nice stylish outfit, and be demonstrably happy on each other's arm. Celebrate your DS, DIL and the baby, but.... be confidently gramma. Use this as a bonding experience with DS's MIL, the other gramma. If the spirit moves you, give XH's DW a bit of that pie as well. If... DS has a relationship with her that warrants it.
This is also DS and DIL's moment. Celebrate them and their LO.