Just food for thought: Boundaries
I was on a FB page about narcissists and came across this:
When you don't allow people to walk all over you anymore, the narrative will change. You'll become the villain in their story because you won't be giving them what they have no problem taking from you. But at least in your story, you'll be free.
It is hard to set boundaries and to face the reality that there will be a very negative reaction in most cases. It can be a very difficult process, kind of like setting up a wall during war and knowing that when the enemy reaches that wall, they will be furious. They will try to climb the wall. They'll try to knock it down. They will shoot bombs over it. And when they realize they can't truly or consistently penetrate the wall, they will then focus on you, the builder of the wall, and will often practice character assassination, working to turn others against you. Eventually, though, if you stand your ground, the "screaming" becomes just buzzing, and eventually even the buzzing settles down.
But setting the boundaries is oh so worth it for your soul, your dignity, your well-being, and your peace!
- MorningMia's blog
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Comments
Felt this in my soul .... I
Felt this in my soul .... I struggled with boundaries especially in step land. One of the hardest things to do is enforce boundaries with a Disneyland / codependent/ narcissistic type parent and/or step kid.
Being single makes it easier although there is no shortage of people who will test your boundaries
Awww. Want to give you a hug.
Awww. Want to give you a hug. And, yea, I know . . . the "testers of boundaries" are everywhere!
Yes....very HARD to first
Yes....very HARD to first commit to the boundaries and do them but once you've established it you'll never go back no matter how many people try to drag you back in. Thanks for this MorningMia!
There are so many "reasons"
There are so many "reasons" NOT to (primarily the fallout), but I agree so much with you: Once you've put them in place, you will NEVER go back to what was!
Feel Like I'm The Boundary Queen These Days
I "took" crap for 12 years. Not sure why I did that...would have never let any other human treat me in such a horrid way for that long but for some crazy reason, I gave DHs kids a free pass. SMH
Yes, indeed...boundaries are your friend. And yes, when you start establishing them in a toxic relationship, there WILL be troubles. But THOSE troubles will be worth it. DHs kids "kicked and screamed" when they were no longer allowed in our marital home but I stood strong. The counselor recommended it, DH agreed and I was NOT letting that boundary be thrown to the wind, as in my past.
We are beginning some re-intergration...if that's the right word. DHs oldest daughter stay with us for two days a few weeks ago. While I was "absent" a lot of the visit, the times I was around were pleasant. She was respectful and even friendly. When she left, I invited her back but quickly added, "the invite is for you and you alone. Not your other siblings." She also tried to hug me and I asked her not to...."I'm not there yet." These are some of my current boundaries. Why? DHs kids think when one gets something, it's for all of them, which is why I said "only you" on the invite. I also am no where near wanting to hug her or any of DHs kids at this point.
So, YEAH to boundaries and to heck with those who don't like them. Boundaries protect US!
Thanks for sharing!
Good for you! I think a whole
Good for you! I think a whole other topic is being "blinded by love" for those of us who tolerated things early on or for too long (or who are in that place now) or how we didn't see (or ignored) the red flags, or even how we were codependent, "fixing" things for our DHs. I'm glad you found your good place!
MorningMia. This is so
MorningMia. This is so powerful. Thank you for sharing it. I have already passed it on to an IRL friend still working through the grief and recovery of a failed 30+ year marriage and and the divorce that was final a yeat+ ago. She is a wonderful person. She is very intelligent, very attractive, and working to recover her highly successful career as a consultant and motivational speaker after putting it on hold while she and her XH were globe trotting for his career. She just had a set back when an attractive coworker approached her. He ended up being a game player which kicked her back a bit on her recovery.
The key learning I picked up from my divorce, that is reiterated by the finding you shared above, is that I will have zero tolerance for anyone who threatens my joy in life. I make their misery and and when necessary, their destruction my fondest hobby which tends to drive them into their holes and mostly keeps them there. I remain poised to kick them in the nose when they try to slither out of their hole. Figuratively of course. I am the villain in their story and I am fine with that. They are less than nothing in mine. My give a shit about them or their feelings is less than zero. That minimizes the pain and drama for me.
The same applies to anyone who is a detriment to the lives of the people that are important to me.
An enemy at the gate is, an enemy at the gate. The gate and walls have to be defended with every escalated level of pain and damage to the enemy as is necessary to end their assault. Preferably permanently.
IMHO of course.
Thanks again for sharing this. It is very powerful.
Sincere and respectful regards,
Rags
I love this!
I love this! Very recently, I arrived to a place where I began volunteering (a few hours a week) about two months ago. Nice place, nice people for the most part. I arrived 10 minutes early and was "greeted" by some B I had never seen/met before who was clearly angry that I showed up 10 minutes early. Rather than tell me kindly that they weren't ready for me, or suggest I go do x,y,z out of their way, she scolded me with a scowl on her face. My "new" self (in process for decades now) promptly turned around, walked to my car, and drove away.
The executive director contacted me later, wanting to know what happened. I wish I had said, "I have zero tolerance for anyone who threatens my joy in life," although I do think my description of what happened pretty much said that. lol. I will be volunteering elsewhere. While people of course make mistakes and we need to recognize that no one or situation is perfect, my tolerance level for joy-stealers is freaking depleted at this point in my life!
Thank you!
You must have boundaries,
It makes life so much easier and enjoyable. You can't have a group of mentally unstable peoples controlling you life. Time, joy. Once visitation is established, time and place, and you go by the rules. Life becomes better.
I am with you if I volunteer my time abd effort, and someone is not appreciated of the time I get there, [ i believe you should be early. And when driving you must include time for stop lights ,, you can get there 10 minutes early. ]. This person had two choices, one is to say they are happy you are there. You are early Have a cup of coffee or tea , and they will be with you in 10 minutes. [normal] or give you a hard time. If given a hard tine, this would not be my place to volunteer
Very well said and completely
Very well said and completely resonate with this. It's not easy to have to train yourself to allow your boundaries to be stronger than your Empathy. Its been the main battle for me to fight in stepworld. Especially when the SD with whom you set clear limitations with still thinks she can break down my wall and try to manipulate or guilt trip her way through it. Im with Harry in that I dont care to have such mentally and emotionally unstable people have that kind of power that they are used to having. No more. .Ive been kind of suspectling that since SD feels like she has had no control over her own life, then its OK for her to try to control me and mine instead. If that makes any sense