Sorry no medals for you today aka riot act
So, this is what went down today:
Husband has been insisting I send a list to SD18 Powersulk Do Nada. Plus she needs to help with new puppy-who-pees-allover
I did this this morning (yep after you all told me not to and that I would be the "bad guy" again)
I get a response on this group text that "I am in so much pain, my calfs are giving out and I have a headache so I need a break today".
I just mentioned she can sit on a stool and watch puppy play outside.
Silence.
I call Husband. He tells me he got into her hard aka read her the riot act, and that shes just like her mother a lazy a$$ POS, and that if thats what she wants to be then she will go live with her mother. If she cant help around the house.
I told him "this didnt happen overnight. This is 18 years in the making. It wont be fixed overnight, but its fixable".
Hung up. Called SD18 Princess Powersulk. This is what I said:
"Im not going to read you the riot act, your father already did that, but I need you to listen to me very closely. You need to get on the phone TODAY and schedule something with your Retired Aunty, a day and a time, get your documents together and get that GOVERNMENT ISSUE PHOTO ID. You need that for anything and everything.
THEN, get on the phone to your mother. You MUST do this. Get her on the phone and tell her that IF she is requiring you to NOT work, she needs to move heaven, earth, mountains, rivers to get into that FAFSA account. MILLIONS of people every day lose their account logins, email etc. IF she TRULY loves you she will not hold you back. She is holding you back by requiring you to NOT work. She MUST get you the FAFSA so you can go to college while not working a regular job."
I repeated this a few times and then said bye we hung up.
Thanks everyone for your input. I used it. We shall see if she does what I tell her she must do, or if she just goes to her mothers and that is that.
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Comments
Sometimes teens need firmness
Sometimes teens need firmness and a proverbial kick in the pants. When done right this can be successful... But only if you follow through. That is key.
End of rope
We are at the end of the proverbial rope over here.
I have a positive relationship with Retired Auntie, and she has offered to help, shes just waiting to get the call...from what I was told.
As to follow through, I am debating if I should do more pushing or call Retired Auntie myself and set it up.
I would not call Retired
I would not call Retired Auntie myself. SD is 18. Making a phone call is within her skillset. I might hand her the phone and stand over her until she dials however.
YEP.
Im debating. I can be a mean one when pushed to my limits. I was thinking of doing both. Have a talk with Retired Auntie and THEN do the stand over.
This might be
This might be just what I was sort of hoping for - SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada going to her mothers full-time permanent.
Oof good thing it seems like
Oof good thing it seems like your DH is on the same page. No job, no school then she can go sponge off TT.
Why doesn't DH take her for
Why doesn't DH take her for her f'n ID? Seriously??? Why is aunt even an option FFS. IF she needs a copy of her birth cert the only people that CAN get it is DH, TT or SD. Aunt can't.
How do you have respect for your husband? He literally has done nothing for his kids to actually HELP them in the real world.
EDIT: Or another wild idea... make an appointment for her driving permit! Boom! Permit and ID. Tell your husband to actually DO SOMETHING!
Im sorry... I felt I needed to be brutally honest...
Maybe because I have 3 skids who have lived with us full time for YEARS and SO has literally done everything for them that I have a really hard time reading your post about how LAZY your husband is...
Clove's DH doesn't do anything because he knows Clove will do it
Clove's DH does not do anything because he knows Clove will do it. She will eventually get fed up and do whatever it is that needs to be done. She will then pay the price because doing it will upset Powersulk which will upset DH. It is an ongoing cycle.
sadly, yes. it's a pattern we
sadly, yes. it's a pattern we see play out for many stepparents. and the bad guy.... always the step parent. lazy assed parents create lazy assed kids and it's always the stepper who bears the fallout.
Yep and it's either take
Yep and it's either take control or have to live with the crappy consequences of a bratty or lazy kid... Who won't launch..
Alternative being have the parent do it but we see so many times the bio parent feels "uncomfortable" discussing any sort of issue or boundary with their poor kiddo
I DID in fact tell him
I DID in fact tell him many times that he needs to take some time off work to take her to DMV and force this to happen. She NEEDS this push.
Its his learned helplessness. Thats what I think. Hes making all this noise to seem like hes getting things done, giving ultimatum, but nothing ACTUALLY moves forward. She went into hiding last night (Thursday) and we just spent time with pupster, while he complained how sick he felt about the entire kid sitch. Because he came out and gave an ultimatum. You do something or go live with your mother ful time.
This time it WAS NOT ME, so down the road I will not be blamed.
It would be nice to get her permit, but she failed the test the first time and permit entails study, entails vagueness...
I'm not sure where you live
I'm not sure where you live but in my state you need to provide proof of citizenship.. and proof of state residency..
For obvious reasons, someone who is just 18.. may have a hard time with the proof of state residency.. in our state.. if the applicant is UNDER 19.. a parent or legal guardian can come as long as THEY have the proof of legal residency in the state.
The documents provided include things like deed or mortgage.. utility bill showing address and name...
your state will have that listed on their motor vehicle's website.
This is something that her AUNT is not going to be able to help her with.
Your husband.. aka FATHER needs to deal with this.
If it means you spoon feeding HIM that list of documents to get together.. so be it.
But HE is the parent.. HE is the one that needs to help.
This list of documents is NOT that difficult..
She is going to need a birth certificate.. that is her proof of legal presence in the US and proof of identity. A social security card would be good too.. they will need to be official copies.
She will need to prove legal residency in your state most likely.. and she may not have all those docs.. but pretty sure your state will allow parents to provide that in lieu of the applicant if they are under a certain age.
I'm not sure how this has gone on so long at this point.. it's not all that complex.. and I even would point out that you would be able to pull things together on your DH's behalf.. and probably know enough to fill out out the application for her.. so all that would need to be done is her sign it.. and daddy go with her to DMV.. what is so hard about that?
What do you think is missing?
I mean.. I see you throwing out the demand she get it done.. over and over.. yet no one ever takes action.. WHY.. ????
I know I know!
I think I overfunctioned for so long, his learned helplessness is at play.
I have no idea what the heck is wrong here, except she is avoidant on all fronts. He is avoidant on all fronts and doesnt want to be the "meanie". And doesnt want her later to make accusations. Thats all I got.
Here in California you need Birth cert, social sec card, and documents with your name and address like mortgage, bills, medical docs, school docs etc. Sure her mother or FATHER could provide docs. He would have to take a day off. She might be working now, and would have to take a day off. I do not know what the hold back is for even just a photo id that she doesnt need to study for and learn to drive for.
I did try spoonfeeding. and pushing.
I recall not so long ago your
I recall not so long ago your SO was between jobs.. what a lost opportunity to take care of it.
let me guess he would rather drink beer with BB or go fishing vs do something productive.
I think you need to give HIM the unvarnished truth.
You know SO, the fact that your daughter doesn't have an ID falls is really a failure of you. I'm tired of hearing lip service about this needing to happen.. and that means you may have to take a day off work to get it done.. here is the list of required documents.. pull them together for your daughter and take her by the hand.
If she makes mealy mouthed comments about changing her name.. you (dh) tell her that you don't care about that right now.. she needs this legal ID.. and she will get it in her current legal name. If she wants to go by princess butterfly of the valley.. or "bob".. she can do that in her personal life and when she is living on her own independently.. she can seek out legal assistance to legally change it. but for NOW.. you are getting a degree in your name.
Oh.. and couldn't your SO be quizzing her on DMV test questions? or would that cut into his relaxation?
You Should Make This Your Last Involvement
Drop the rope and let her FATHER deal with her. Tell your DH to find his gonads and man up. His kids are like this because of HIM. Own it. And trust me....YOU will be blamed, even on this event. They always find a way to blame the SM. Which is why I'm 100% disengaged.
DH wants you to send a list???? Umm...no, DH, YOU send YOUR daughter the list. (Smile and walk away). Your DHs "riot act" should have been all that she got. You took on full parenting role in the conversation. YOUR conversations are to be with your DH. "Your kid needs to launch at X date." Set it and stand on it. And THAT would be the only thing I'd tell Powersulk.....and her dad.
To my POV
To my point of view, I took a stand that said "you are choosing this and I cannot support this". Couched as advice.
Yeah, I tried the "list". Im not going to try anymore just let husband see where it went (no where) and now he gets to answer for it.
the problem Clove is that
the problem Clove is that your husband is just as lazy and procrastinating as his daughter is.
You have overfunctioned for him so long that he just demands and expects you to "do it for me mommy".
You need to have the come to Jesus meeting with him.
Tell him. Enough reading her the riot act when you are the parent who should be making sure this stuff happens.
It's your job to get her to the DMV and get her license straight. I will point YOU in the right direction there.. but I am not doing it for her. .I'm not doing it for you.. and I will not accept you just yelling at her but not doing anything constructive to FIX the problem.
Your daughter likelly is lost about figureing it out. YOU need to work her through this.. period.. I am seeing this more of a failure as you dear husband.. not your daughter who has never been taught any better.
my ex used to let me be the
my ex used to let me be the one to deal with things he didn't want to deal with and that way if it went sideways he could blame me and let me take all the fall out.
sadly lazyassed parents = lazy assed kids.
This time it WAS NOT ME, so
There is no way, in my opinion, you will not end up with the blame for this. It will be much easier for them to blame you than admit their role in this. Maybe not immediately, but down the road it will be your fault.
The only one happy will be BM when SD moves in with her full time. Then she can control SD's future and make sure she has to rely on her. But, BM will not acknowledge her happiness. She will frame it as you forcing DH to abandon SD.
^^Yep.
^^Yep.
Chore list *update*
You all will loooooooove this.
I texted the *chore list*, response was "o my calves hurt I have a headache and need a break today. That was what caused the *riot act reading*
Today, I texted "will you be helping us today?"
no reponse.
I texted husband (SEE I am learning) to ask about whats wrong, no response. He texted back that he asked her to take care of poopy puppy pee pee boy.
Finally she responded to our little group text "Im doing the chores you asked me to, and taking poopy out for poopies, and then Im going out with my friends for blah blah blah".
I then texted husband (not going to respond to that...and so many responses come to mind!) that she will complete chores before going off for the good time with friends.
Im just going to watch, and continue putting pressure on husband. Had a great time with my friend last night, came home and he was stressed and tired "over the whole situation with SD18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada, how can she be so lazy, can she be any MORE lazy....blah blah".
Prediction... because I've
Prediction... because I've been there... the chores will be half a-.... your DH will be a-ok with the whole situation (because she put forth the minimum effort so let's throw her a parade... you'll be resentful... PPSDN escapes off to her friends so she can be hasseled anymore when you come home and find out that she did NOT in fact do the chores (not really, only half a- them)... Upon getting on her, PPSDN will turn on victim mode "But I diiiiiiiiiiid what you wanted!!! Nothing is good enough for you!!!!!!"... DH will take her side.... You will be th big ol meanie.
Maybe this won't happen but that's how it went down for me. I hope she actually is keeping up her end and doing a good job on the chores.
I suggested
Im getting him on board for tomorrow as we really need to do a dump run and donation run and clean and clear things a bunch. I am laying groundwork for getting stuff done as my "assistant". I no longer care about being the meanie, and am going to be the meanie on husband. So I suggested that we start charging her rent and she works it off so its transactional and not personal - just business. So no hurt feelings. She doesnt do the chores, she doesnt work off her rent, she can live somewhere else for free. Toxic Troll will be her free-gan donor.
I read that as... "I think I
I read that as... "I think I overfunctioned for so long, his learned helplessness is A PLOY."
I read that as
Asking Powersulk to
Asking Powersulk to contribute around the house be like .... https://youtu.be/XNzhy66VCPg?feature=shared
She is happy the way things are
She doing nothing ... playing with the dog. .. you have a heart attack over this. Tell her she has two weeks to do X..Y.. and Z. Or back to BM. She and you will never co exist. People don't change. Since you are the one working. The GOLDEN rule..
'The one with the good makes the rules. She must go. Soon the better. Then get on with your life. Remembering BM doesn't have the money to keep her in the life she wants .
Agree with a Deadline so she
Agree with a Deadline so she knows y'all as serious as that heart attack she tried to give you dealing with her shenanigans for years
Deadline so that she knows she can't play around indefinitely whilst making empty promises
I think the deadline will be
I think the deadline will be key as well because I just don't see her getting her act together even she's always been so lazy and full of excuses and her dad and mom don't push her. She's always been allowed to get away with not doing things
get a response on this group
"Do you require an ambulance/emergency medical? Okay then there's Advil in the medicine cabinet powersulk ,.. take 2 and get to work!!!
If this went like he said he did then GOOD
about time he held her accountable
I'd have multiple conversations with her exactly similar to this so she gets so tired, annoyed, and fed up .... she either rises to the occasion or treks off to her breeders house
either way if your husband stays on her this will be a win win for everyone
My concern is that by you
My concern is that by you pushing her, then him to make him push her, it's going to backfire. He has proven he has no interest in dealing with these things. Proof is her still not haing the ID. He doesn't want to do it, she doesn't want to do it and I worry that if you push too hard you will be the target for her tears and his anger. That scares me. Please step softly and watch your back.
We did it earlier and a bit
We did it earlier and a bit differently. We renewed his passport at 15 which gave him official ID, proof of citizenship, and proof of employabiity for the I-9 form.
That facilitated him getting his DL though we bought him a car before he had a DL. The deal was it was our car until he got a DL. He just sold that car a year and a half ago after driving it for 10 years. He sold it in Germany before leaving for his US duty station. It was a great car, reliable, and served him well. We bought it for him brand new as a combination HS graduation, Christmas, USAF enlistment gift. We had that Christmas at my parents home. I drove it up to mom and dads the day before Christmas then DW and SS drove up the next day. It was in the driveway with a bow on it and a Santa face at the wheel on Christmas AM.
His mom and I left for home a few days later and told SS to figure out how to get he and his car home. That started the USMC grandpa GrandKid driving school for SS. We also gave him the driver's education and lessons as part of his Christmas gift. He came home two months later in shape for USAF BMT and with his DL and as a reasonably competent driver after driving school and USMC grandpa drivers bootcamp.
Some things kids need a parental foot up their ass and for parents to give them zero choice on. If we had not forced it, SS-32 still may not have his DL.
SS was 18 when he got his DL so he did not need to take driver's education. We just wanted to be sure he was knowledgeable on the driving regulations as well as competent to my dad's exacting standards.