...continuation 3
DH has been back for 2 weeks now and things are settling in.
He's had a rough time, acknowledging his disorder and reconciling it with bascially most of his actions and how it's effected his relationships. He's come clean on everything to me, I have access to his devices and we'll be going over his finances soon (and will be meeting with our financial advisor this fall to get his stuff straightened out). He got rid of extra electronics he didn't need. He's got 2x per week intensive specialist therapy this month and then will transition to 1x a week plus group therapy, we start couples therapy today and I'm on a waiting list for a specialist therapist for myself. He's sleeping an almost regular night now, he was down to around 3-5 hours a night before he left on his trip. He looks better. His attitude is better overall. He said it's been a weight off his shoulders but is not losing sight of the fact this is just the start of his process.
It's been hard hearing about his past, as a child/teen. Lots of bad things happened back then, abuse (not sexual, but did happen when he was quite young so DH didn't really remember a lot of it until he's dealing with it now), emotional abuse, abandonment, etc. I'm still in the guest room and likely will be for some time. My things are still half packed. He knows exactly where I stand on everything - one lie and I'm gone. He's been better to talk with. He's apologized for how he's treated me, for how his problems effected my relationship with his kids - he's completely admitted it was him that was the issue, not me.
YSD18 is coming tomorrow - Saturday evening, her last visit here before she leaves for college in another state. DH is going to talk with her and hopefully start repairing that relationship as he can.
So things are stable, with trepidation, with careful babysteps.
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Grateful
Im sure hes grateful to you for staying. Im glad its better for YOU.
This is so hard. I commend
This is so hard. I commend you for doing what you're doing.
Does he have his phone location on? Is his phone unlocked? Do you have access to his credit information - to get alerts if he opens a new card or tries to take out a loan? Is he willing to let you have access to all of his emails, social media, cell phone, etc?
He has to be completely transparent. No porn. NOTHING.
He should be willing to hand you his phone every single evening for you to review and not for him to surf while in the bedroom alone.
I'm sure you know all of this. And one thing that will most likley happen when the therapist starts getting closer to the root problems........he'll want to give up, he'll lash out at you, he'll get tired of feeling bad for what he's done, and he'll get impatient to be forgiven and feel loved again (have sex again). Know that when he's starting to act that way, the therapy is getting uncomfortably close to the real deal.
((Hugs))
You're a strong woman. I know this isn't easy for you.
Yes to all of this.
Yes to all of this access.
The couples therapist we saw yesterday was great. She also pointed out that my healing is going to be on a different schedule than his, which he already knew. It hit home for him having someone else say it. So far he's being very pragmatic and trying not to rush the process.
You're handling this so
You're handling this so methodically, and with so much dignity. You should be proud of that. I'm really glad he's getting help. No matter the outcome between the two of you, no one should be living with that level of addiction/disorder. I'm also glad that you have your own therapist and strategy for healing.
Be careful .. People with these mental illnesses
And yes this is a mental illness. I t hard for them to change, you can not change the root cause. The root cause is always there. He could be ok for years then one day back to sick self. He has Imany causes to his problems. He know how to deceive you . He successfully did it for years.
'It may be better to cut and run now, then envest time, money and your emotions into a failing project . You can can wind up 30 years down the road to be the same position, you ae now but to old to do anything about it
I do belive that once the
I do belive that once the root cause is discovered and everything is exposed (hit rock bottom) that's when healing can begin if the person wants it. And he wants it. I believe him, but he knows if he doesn't work through it I won't wait.
Lower your expectations so
Lower your expectations so you won't be disappointed and do not lower your requirements for the standards of behvior he must deliver.
Your optimism is commendable. Just don't become indelibly addicted to the Hope-ium pipe regading a wonderful life with this terribly flawed man, partner, and father. That outcome is exceptionally unlikely.
I had a bit of it with my XW. I gave it 18mos before I demanded answers. At that point we started couples therapy. My goal was to address the near complete lack of intimacy, the therapist had a therapy path she followed. We worked through family relationships, etc, etc, etc... for nearly 6mos before we got to the intimacy element. The session where the Doc (Ph.D) announced that we would not start discussing the lack if intimacy in the marriage XW stood up, announced that she did not have a problem with sex, and walked out to therapy never to return.
Those who have expressed the sequence of events that will unfold as you work through the issues with the therapist(s) are exactly right. When the rood of the problems is approached, that is where the flawed individual gets very uncomfortable.
My XW walked out of therapy and moved out of our recently purchased home a couple of months later. She was right, she did not have a proble with sex. She just had a problem with sex within a marriage. She was knocked up by her geriatric fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy when she moved out. She lost that pregnancy to miscarriage. not long agter moving out.
I kept seeing the therapist for about 5mos after XW walked out. Until that incredible woman fired me as a client. My last session she told me that if anyone had told her that the sullen defeated middle aged man who first came to her 9mos before was the mid 20s energetic passionate young man with the "childlike zest for life" that was in her office for the last session she would have called them crazy. She told me I could keep seeing her but that she advised that it was time for me to get on with my life. I am eternally grateful to Doc for helpign to save my life.
As far as XW, she rrepeated her script repeatedly over the years. She called me 3mos after the divorce was final in tears because she was pregnant again by grandpa suger/baby daddy wanting to know what she should do since I knew her better than anyone.
Even during that call she was manipulating. She had been pregnant at our divorce hearing. The panic in her eyes when the judge ripped her a new asshole for getting lippy during the the final divorce hearing when she requested to surrender my name and resume her maiden name made that clear. The judge told her to knock off her disrespectful bullshit or he would send her for an amnio to confirm she wasn't pregnant and that I was not the father.
As we walked out of the courthouse we were side by side. I held the door for her. Not a word was said. We got to the curb. She stopped, I stepped off and crossed the road. As I was stepping off of the curb she put her hand on my shoulder, I kept going. As I drove out of the parking lot she was standing on the side walk with her head down crying.
That was the last I saw of her for about 10 years. I saw her at a restaurant for a business lunch once. She was with DH#2, Grandpa Sugar/Baby daddy and their two boys. She looked like hammered dog shit. It was sad. I had married a beautiful intelligence though morally bankrupt college athelete. She looked like she had been rode hard and put up wet. She scowled and groused at grandpa and their kids throughout that lunch. She apparently did not see me.
She had the courtroom baby and another out of wedlock with grandpa. He married her after their second was born. Then...she got knocked up with her 2nd cheat baby when one of her no doubt several F-buddies she was cheating on G-paw with left a deposit that stuck. At last update, 12 years ago, she was married to that baby daddy. She was right. She did not have a problem with sex, just a problem with being a serially adulterous skank whore.
I was DH #1. Who knows what # she is on by now. She was on #3 with 3 all out of wedlock spawn by two different baby daddies as of 12 years ago. Her eldest and youngers were cheat babies.