I was recently asked in May by my partner after 5 years of blended living, and 6.5 years of dating, to move out 'for the summer, then see what happens.' The problems in our relationship came down to differences in parenting, how her middle child behaved towards me, and how I reacted to said child. The oldest and youngest of her three kids had no issues with me. And I was pretty hands-off most of the time never really trying to be anyone's father or parent them, just rudimentary requests like, please wash hands, pick up your trash, turn off lights you left on, put your dishes in dishwasher, etc. I also have a high-functioning autistic teen son that was coexisting with her three kids, but rarely engaged by or engaged with them, especially the middle one. After an obvious trend by middle child, now 17, it became apparent that she has issues. I believe no matter who my partner had chosen, the same thing would have happened to them, a smear campaign, devaluation, and many forms of triangulation. I invested so much emotionally, financially, and physically to blended living. When deciding to live together,  I made the decision to retain my home, and my partner sold the house she purchased with her ex, and bought a new one not far from the old one for all six of us to live in. The plan was to use both the new blended home, and my home an hour away occasionally. My kiddo got to go from a top 200 school, to a top 10 school. Our ten year plan was after the last kiddo finishes high-school we would sell blended family home then either move back to my home full-time, or sell that one and buy a new one near my home, an area she liked well enough.

After about 4 years of biting my tongue with middle kid, then 15, I had then had enough when she made a show in front of a friend of hers by insulting and disrespecting me. I had let it slide since the friend was there and left the house to go to the gym. After a good workout and lots of thought, I came home and still did not feel right about it. My partner had acknowledged on previous occasions that her kids behavior was inappropriate, yet in a way expected me to roll with it. At times I even felt like she downplayed events, and made excuses for behaviors, like her kids poor mental health. It at times felt a little gas lighty. So, after being a canary in a coal mine to my partner for so long, I took it upon myself to tell middle kid off. It felt liberating, yet I was not proud of it because she ended up crying to her mother. My partner understood at the time and tried to talk to her kid about it. The middle kids attitude didn't change, and she progressively became more entitled and off-putting, struggling to keep or make friends. I felt bad for her, but soon after disengaged from her. We didn't talk to one another for about 7 months, until one day on vacation she swam out to me in the ocean because her sister was uncomfortable swimming that far out. We must have been a good mile from shore as the water wasn't that deep. It was somewhat awkward, but I saw it as an opportunity to build some trust and create common ground. After about an hour we swam back to shore. I later found out my partner, her other two kids, and my aunt had all placed bets jokingly which one of us would return to shore. It only took about 2 hrs for middle kid to revert back to her old self towards me. She even started texting her sister negative things about me on the way home later that weekend.

About a year later we had a second blow up. I had asked her to clean some hair out of the shower tub if it belonged to her (which I knew it did.) We had paid our plumber already three times $175 to snake the tub drain. I felt like as a providing adult, I should be able to make preventative requests to all four kids. The only one who ever took issue with many forms of resistance was middle kid. So, the tub request turned into a heated debate. My partner came in to intervene but middle kids demeanor and insults toward me was too much. I was weak and ended up hitting a wall. It came out of nowhere. I felt so awful and ashamed. I made every effort to make it right with everyone in the house. I even started looking for a therapist. Something middle kid would not commit to for herself thinking her problems where the world around her and not herself. My partner asked me to move out then thinking we all needed space, so I cordially agreed. The problem was that my home was in flux with no heating or cooling, under remediation due to a contractors error, and it was the middle of February. I took my kiddo to his paternal grandmother's (no relation to me) and I went to stay in my 28 degree home. After pleading with my partner for 2 days to work things out, not just because my pipes were frozen, but because how much I genuinely wanted to make things work, she let me come back. She started therapy immediately, while I struggled to find a therapist due to insurance and availability of therapists, but eventually found one a few weeks later.

The strain on our relationship was apparent starting in 2023. I was dealing with so much with the loss of my home, my mother and sister, trying to parent my autistic adopted son (bio nephew), and the death by 1000 cuts poor demeaning behavior towards me from day 1 by partner's middle child. I felt like my partner invalidated my pain gradually saying I took her daughters behavior too personal and that I stopped giving her attention and affection, which I didn't intend or want to happend. And she felt like she wasn't meeting my parenting needs. She had in February during the blow up with her middle kid, told the kid how good of a partner I had been to her taking on three kids, and all that I have done for everyone.

It's been three months now separated. School starts in three weeks. I may need to enroll my kid in his old school district from 6 years ago for his last year of high school. He is so crushed. He misses his friends and the better school. I really miss my partner. I wanted to marry her, and she wanted me to marry her, but we both knew her middle kid was not ready for that. Partner was even sending me photos of rings she liked back in November, pre-Feb blow up with her kid. I feel like I've been robbed of my soul mate, or maybe I haven't? A month ago I texted her a list of everything I was willing to do to make it work for everyone, acknowledging her middle kid would possibly never come around. My partner responded she needed to think about it and that it was a lot to process. She said she needed space and time to sort herself out. It has been a really difficult summer for me and my son. My partner and I are still connected on social media (I stopped posting, but she looks happy with kids,) and we still share a Google calendar. Whether or not she had unchecked mine to not see what I'm up to or not, she has not removed or restricted from hers. I turn another year older tomorrow. I'm not expecting gifts from anyone, nor do I want any. But I'm so anxious about the potential of not hearing from her tomorrow. If not, it may solidify the real potential that it's over, and I need to move on. Time will heal I suppose. Just wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Was there ever a way back? If so, did things improve after reconciliation? Thanks.