SD29 sent me an abusive email and insulted me to my DH.  I have banned her from my house and have no further contact - DH now sees her elsewhere - does this count for the "subtraction method"?  Going back a few years, the two SDs picked at the lovely meals I made for them. My response was to tell DH he was cooking for them in future.  

I always like to state "Disengagement is your friend". But the Subtraction Method sounds more scientific!

Ill do a 12 days of Disengagement:

On the first day of disengagment, I stopped doing dishes

Second day of disengagement I stopped cooking for Skid and buying food for skid to eat.

Third day of disengagment I stopped being the funzone director of activities

Fourth Day of disengagment I stopped with Holidays

Fifth Day of disengagement I stopped with vacations

Sixth Day of disengagement I took out the offers of rides

Seventh day of disengagement I took out 1-1 shopping trips and salon visits trips down the coast

Eight day of disengagement I stopped gifting

Ninth Day of Disengagement I changed the Netflix password

Tenth Day of Disengagement, 18 and graduated, I stopped telling stories of jobs I had and college I attended.

eleventh Day of Disengagement I stopped talking about cars and driving

Twelfth Day of disengagement I found peace in my plum tree!

When my step kids were younger I took them to Value Villiage and told them they could each buy 2 items. Well they picked out 3 items then started asking me to buy more... I said no, just 2 items like we said. They then kept on finding things they still wanted... Slippers and stuff... Kept trying to say they needed it or wanted it. I said no. Then they tried to bargain with me... You pay then I'll get money another time etc and all these things and i said no.

I was so flustered that I vowed to myself never to take them shopping again. And I didn't. Left it to DH

As far as emotion... I would have liked to have that relationship but it was apparent from their actions that they didn't want that with me. So my efforts weren't appreciated. It felt good to let go of having to do things like that for them.. That they didn't appreciate 

I didn't realize I had been implementing the Subtraction Method all these years. I've been doing it since almost day 1 28 years ago. Here are some examples. I can't provide all or I'd write a book-length response. LOL

1. I noticed that my SKs (5 and7) at the time, were so ill behaved even out in public. DH hated taking them out but that's on him for never saying a word. I liked to go out to eat on my days off. Well, during one particular outing, DH went to the bathroom and both of my SKs were belly surfing across the table. Even other kids were giving them the WTF look. I kept trying to tell them over-the-top nicely to stop because I was already told I wasn't allowed to ever correct them. Well, the brats progressed to attempting to crawl over the top, hang on to the table while winding around it and crawling back on top. I was mortified. DH came back and was mortified too but didn't say a word to the brats. I have NEVER taken them out since. EVER. Took DD24 a lot. SKs would look all forlorn. Oh well, not my problem.

2) SD and SS wouldn't eat anything other that pure junk. They were on the Disneyland Dad Purely Hedonistic Junky Diet, as I call it. they wouldn't eat real food. They criticised my cooking. Yep, you guessed it. I never cooked for them again.

3) SKs ate only crap.SD was so clueless that everything green was "lettuce." She went on a rant when she saw me unpacking groceries I bought and complained about how much "lettuce" I bought. I did have a huge bag of the crap for the junk closet but with SD's ranting and raving over all the "lettuce," I told DH I'm done. I will not try to role model anything for the SKs and I will not financially contribute to enabling a child who thinks that every green vegetable is "lettuce," because she doesn't know what they are at 10 years old. Yep! I removed buying anything at all that the SKs ate. I shopped only for myself, DH and DD. If DH needed to stock up on crap, he had to do it.

4) After over 2 1/2 decades of me being the wife, DH's family still had a love affair with the cheating whore BM. I was the one who cooked and hosted all the clan dinners for every holiday and birthday. I removed that and told DH that "perhaps the family would prefer to go to BM's house," so I have not hosted the BM lovers in about five years. They've asked why and I told DH he can be the one to tell them that he has no balls and allows them to worship a cheating skank over him and his wife of almost three decades. Cheater was with him only six years, but I guess they'll just never get over her and no matter how long I'm with DH she always prevails. Well, they can go do that at her house. They can't do that at mine and they can't have my food and efforts. 

5) SGS has been taught to say only "Grandpa." Never "Grandpa and Grandma" or hell, "Grandpa and Evil." I'd be fine with that. It pissed me the fuck off that yet again, SD has found a way to pull an exclusionary tactic. Grandpa this Grandpa that. It's Grandpa's house. I was fully prepared to love the little guy and be all the things that Grandmothers are. But I told DH they can't have it both ways. I removed myself. I don't exist. Grandpa is on his own. And yes, that does come back to bite them all for excluding me because DD isn't really interested in being an Aunty either because there's only mention of "Grandpa." Well, last week Grandpa had to babysit SGS. DD and I worked in the garden and did what we wanted while Grandpa had to tend to an hour long tantrum out in our backyard where all the neighbours could hear. DH was horrified. DD and I just ignored it all and went about our business. Neither one of us tried at all to help "Grandpa." How can we? Only Grandpa exits. SGS has quite the trantrum issue too. He constantly throws tantrums. Oh well. Not my problem. I don't exist, so neither do grandmotherly duties.

I could go on and on. I've removed a lot of things. Some I've told DH about and some I have not. Oh well. FAFO!

Yes, I commented on this and it's how I disengaged.

1) SDs were 7 & 9 and refused to carry their backpacks/bags from the car to the house. One time DH and I had a lot of our own things to carry and the SDs refused and RAN away. From then on, I did not carry anything of theirs, at all. Even if we travelled.

2) Buying tickets to an event for everyone, with everyone's enthusiastic "great!" response. Day of, OSD is outside, doesn't want to come in and get ready to go. YSD follows suit. DH supports them, but says he'll get them there a little later. I go, only DH and YSD show up. YSD complains the entire time, to my friend's horror - her daughter was perfectly behaved. No more Cover-arranged event planning, nothing.

3) DH started making plans for SDs and rolled me into doing some of the driving without my OK or any input into anything. The last time that happened, he was mad at ME for not being home (we had only one car then) so he could drive YSD somewhere that I had no idea was even happening. He lost access to my car, he had to get his own, and I refused to drive YSD at all unless it was a true need and I had ultimate say.

4) OSD's 13th birthday. I made a special dessert per request, I helped arrange things and was there for the party. Not one person introduced me to anyone, parents or kids. No thank you, nothing. I stopped any birthday planning for either SD cold turkey.

5) School lunches. OSD would bring home uneaten food. She'd eat only the snacks. So I packed a lunch one time with only snacks. She complained. I told DH that I was done helping. He or she could do it from then on out.

It goes on, but suffice it to say by the time YSD was in high school I was pretty much not doing anything SD related at all. And happier for it.

I went on a solo trip to the mall once when OSD was about 15. Wasn't planning on buying anything for anyone or myself, and she'd been given birthday money. First thing she says when we get there is "Merrigan, I'm so glad you don't have any kids 'cause that means more money you can spend on MEEEeee!"  First mall trip turned into last mall trip. 

Told both skids once that I was ordering a pizza for lunch - did they have any topping suggestions?  They started literally fighting with each other over ridiculous amounts of premium toppings and who should get to choose the final ones. I ordered a pepperoni pizza to share for the first and last time. Now if I order food, it's a single Doordash meal for myself.

I found DH with my brand new Herschel belt bag in his hands next to OSD. With big puppy dog eyes, he said he'd offered to lend it to her for a week for a trip, and I wouldn't mind, would I?  I grit my teeth and said fine. I wasn't living with him at the time. I made sure everything I ever brought to his place was returned that day to mine so nothing could be "lent out" again.

These are all older examples, but I still have to keep them in mind.  The skids, OSD in particular, will take advantage of anyone who gives them the opportunity, just like BM does.  They never have any opportunities with me, and thus we get along for two weekends a month.

My Exhusband was a micro managing kind of person.. wanted to have everything done his way.. even if it didn't matter what the outcome would be. 

So.. I had to tell him.. either he can do "it".. or he can let me do things my way.. and If I'm going to get a load of crap for doing things "wrong" all the time.. I might as well just get that load of crap for doing nothing.. haha.

How I subtracted (so those jokers wouldn't subtract from the quality my life/suck the life out of me):

• Disneydad ain't paying my car maintenance/gas = NO I will not drive my luxury vehicle to carpool your ferals to and from school
• Disrepectful ferals disregard my house rules = NO I will not invite y'all out with me on weekends (lucky y'all even showing up in my home to begin with cause those visits can occur at McDonald's or wherever)
• Ferals worshiping their just-barely-above-CPS-level-breeder on Mother's Day with zero acknowledgment to step mom who helped sacrifice / use resources to raise you = Stay at your breeders on Mother's Day
• Ferals allowed to disturb my peaceful home = I'm "disappearing" every weekend and leaving Disneyland dad to single parenting ferals alone
• Conniving manipulative breeder set out to destroy my relationship = NO you cannot drop your ferals off at my peaceful home because you need respite 
• Money hungry breeder and ferals using DisneyDad as an on demand ATM = well guess I'll be making some withdrawals too and I'm demanding no less than double for compensation dealing with unchecked feral/exwife/baby mama drama baggage

And many more .... 

Hmmm it's hard to subtract from basically zero....

I did the bare minimum basically from the start, but perhaps these count?

SD refused to load her dishes into the dishwasher (it was too hard to figure out if it was dirty or clean she said) = I bought paper plates, plastic silverware and plastic cups and made everyone use them

My first Christmas I went out and spent my own money buying SD expensive personalized gifts. She didn't appreciate them = Now she gets gift cards from the local grocery store and I put in zero effort to get what she likes

That's all I got, lol. 

Hmmm it's hard to subtract from basically zero....

I did the bare minimum basically from the start, but perhaps these count?

SD refused to load her dishes into the dishwasher (it was too hard to figure out if it was dirty or clean she said) = I bought paper plates, plastic silverware and plastic cups and made everyone use them

My first Christmas I went out and spent my own money buying SD expensive personalized gifts. She didn't appreciate them = Now she gets gift cards from the local grocery store and I put in zero effort to get what she likes

That's all I got, lol. 

Since it is more my SO that can't handle my boundaries the subtraction is towards him.                                               After I found out that his children had no chores. I stopped doing their clothes and cleaning the bathroom they used. (They don't stay anymore so I don't even have to worry about that).                                                                            When we had an argument that SS didn't help with grass or snow shoveling and sat on his butt while a 50 plus year old women did it. I stop doing it and haven't done it again.                                                                                 I would bake cookies, etc. and when the kids wouldn't eat themand acted like they didn't even care I was doing it I  stopped. SO doesn't even get my home baking anymore.                                                                                 The kids are not thankful for gifts so I quit helping SO pick them out.                                                                              But I also do addition. lol. If SO spends , what I think is for something unreasonable for the kids. I buy something for myself. 

This reminds me of another one I had too. One time I bought a gift card to a toy store for my step daughter for Christmas when she was around 13. I made the mistake of going to the store with SD and my husband when she wanted to use the gift card. I was in the toy store wirh her for over an hour while she scoured every item multiple times and kept sighing... She didn't like this... She didnt like that... The toys all suck here.. She likes other places....

Oh ya also she never said thanks and I had to tell my husband to have her thank me 

So... You guess it no more gift cards etc 

I Hear that! If my efforts and contributions as a SM were measured like a bank account, then I would have to be in the negatives, insufficient funds for sure. Or close to it. Thats how depleted my mental well being felt too after a point and so I had to withdraw. Basically, the end to going out of my way to do any favors, gifts, other priviliges, and did away with any expectations regarding SD29. Most of all, I subtracted any obligation on my part to constantly hold the line to manage her emotional stability for her.  I dont thiink some people ever realize how utterly exhausting that is. 

Naturally, SD decides now that she doesnt like these boundaries now that it seems like shes finally caught on. even though this subtraction has gotten rolling years ago. . Now she is saying that I am Withdrawing love and kindness from her which she deserves like everyone else.  All im doing is just pushing her and her kids away. ( I guess Ive been depriving them too apparently ) And I hadnt told her that they  DIDNT deserve kindness. Its like she pretty much forgot any time that I did give her fair chances and try to show her that  Anyone who actually knows me can see that I treat everyone I come across with kindness, respect and decency.  I am not one who is just going around being a Jerk to people for the hell of it. So, if you are getting denied a piece of the pie, then you really should be asking why. There IS a reason. 

As far as emotions for me. Of course, there are still twinges when I feel that guilt. Deep down, I have always been a senstive, emotional, emphatic person who doesnt want to set out to deliberately hurt someone or make them cry ( SD's usual narrative as of late)  Id be lying if I said that never hits me in the feels occasionally. Thats why its still difficult or uncomfortable for me to have to subtract because i hate hurting others feelings, but its been undeniable that all this  People Pleasing acting out of compassion was chipping away at me until my mental state was being compromised. Thats why I had to step back from feeling like I had to be  some kind of resource and be availabel 24/7  for HER needs over mine. I got nothing left in me to lend or dole out . Bank of the overcompensating SM  version of me is CLOSED, People! 

I found that as my step kids got older the LESS they wanted from me anyhow. They didn't want things from me. It became apparent. 

Just didn't know the name. LOL

Took the youngest shopping one day...dropped $500 on clothes for the kid. Later, found out he got a speeding ticket....and he tells me it was my fault becuase I "took him shopping and made him late." LOL Note to self: Never bring the 17 yr old kid shopping again. That was over 10 yrs ago.

Same with gift giving....finally got tired of adult SKs not showing up with a gift for their dad. Even happened when we gave the two younger ones money to Christmas shop. No gift for dad. When I asked the daughter, "I ran out of money." Me: Well, your dad should have been the first on your list since WE gave you the money. NOte to self: No more Christmas cash. And we ended gift giving the next year. Offered to pull names but no bites so...we send cards now. That's been over 10 years.

There are so many more examples I could share....I think I'm in the negative zone these days. LOL

Or disengaging.  You only get step on once .

I love these! I love that there is now a name for it! 

I purchased gifts (no occasion) for the skids and then bought them individual gifts from me for birthdays and Christmas. After they gave Christmas presents to DH only, the separate birthday and holiday gifts stopped on my end. (They have never in 19 years acknowledged my birthday.) 

When the holiday hits kept coming, I stopped signing my name to birthday and holiday cards.  

After a particularly horrific holiday visit, I told DH the skids were not coming back in the house without a genuine change in behavior and apologies. SS called me and apologized. SD dug in her heels. I didn't see her or speak to her for 7 glorious years. 

SD slithered back in when she planned to get married. She said she wanted us to "move forward" and put the past behind us. The visit was nothing but manipulation. What she wanted was money and for her father to attend her wedding, knowing he would not show up without me. We were treated poorly at the wedding and later, when they sent us the link to the wedding photos, we saw that I either I had been edited out of all but one or they only chose to make available the photos I was not in. DH did not purchase any of the photos (why would he? he's the father!). I think SD mailed him one of her and him together, and I don't know where it is. 

Call me crazy: When SD got pregnant, I received an invitation to her baby shower. Of course, I wouldn't go in person (which they knew). Like a dumbo, though, I did purchase gifts and mail them. SD and BM posted photos of the shower. Front and center were photos of ALL the gifts together. You could easily see each individual gift. Guess which ones were not in the photos? This is the covert pettiness that has gone on for nearly two decades now. 

SD got pregnant again. Again, I received an invitation to a baby shower/gift grab. This time, I pretended I never received the invite. 

When DH had his health crisis last year, SS (35) and SD (29) came up here to see him and to "help." I had suggested they look into getting an Airbnb and in fact offered to help find one. Nope--that would cost them money. It was a traumatizing time. They came here and STILL could not refrain from treating me with rudeness. SS blathered on about the expensive gifts he had purchased for BM. When he bought coffee or food, it wasn't shared--he'd hide s*** in the guest room to ensure we wouldn't get it. At one point, SS opened a box of some food, handed one to everyone but me and said, "Sorry, Mia, there isn't one for you." Meanwhile, SS probably drank over $150 worth of our coffee without replacing it.  When DH needed something, he had to practically beg the spawn (as simple as "hand me the remote"). They opened windows and turned up the heat. They refused to help with meals. They didn't do their dishes. They ran DH's car all over the place, getting automated speeding tickets. They drank a lot of our wine. Constant "mommy talk."  (I felt stuck between a rock & a hard place and knew confrontation = conflict when DH was recovering.) They sealed it: They are NEVER stepping foot on or in our property again. NEVER. 

After they left, I noticed--again--that neither of them said a word about DH on social media (a tool they've used to praise their mother excessively through the years). Their father almost died and they said NOTHING about seeing him, being worried about him or visiting him. They pretend publicly like he does not exist. This was the last lightswitch to turn off for me. I was done. I've unfriended and blocked. More about that in a blog post. 

*Shortly after DH's health crisis, he and I updated our wills. His kids will be sorely disappointed one day.  
Me? It took me a long time to accept that nothing will ever change. I need peace in my life, so I've "subtracted" them to the sum of ZERO.  

This process sounds like a long and painful way to disengage.  I said "NO MORE" in 2008 (or maybe it was 2007) and haven't looked back. 

Although I've never referred to it as that method and have pretty much considered it selective disengagement, I've definitely employed that to protect my heart and to prevent being taken advantage of, more and more over the past 5 or so years in my 25 years of being a SM.

For starters, we no longer take OSS30, SDIL, & SGDs on a vacation where we rent a big oceanfront beach house with pool, rent and set up beach chairs and umbrellas for all, buy all groceries and either cook and clean up after SS30 and his brood (while they relaxed on the couches) or take everyone out to eat and foot the bill. We started this as a way of spending time with SS30 after SGD12  was born, when SS30 began communicating with DH again after being no-contact for 6-7 years. These vacations left DH and me exhausted, having to go back to our high-stress jobs feeling like we didn't have a vacation. To add insult to injury, SS30 would post pics on social media of him, SDIL, & SGDs having fun at the beach, with no mention or pics of DH, our bios, or me, as though SS30 took his own family on vacation. We haven't done that in 4 years. We were allowing them to spend that week at our lakehouse instead, and it was more of the same. Now we are down to having them visit a couple times a year, and I'm struggling with how to use the subtraction method with that (see my last blog) as they still expect DH and me to provide all and do everything, and the fact that it's just for one day doesn't make it any more pleasant. 
 

The other major thing I've subtracted is elaborate birthday parties for SGDs. I admit, I was so elated when SS30 (then 18) began speaking to DH again, I went all out to celebrate his baby's 1st birthday and continued from there with the next SGD and subsequent birthdays. We're talking Pinterest-worthy parties with custom cakes, characters hired to come sing, special birthday costumes to match the theme, custom party decorations and treats, etc, etc. Again, SS would post pics on social media of the party but omit any pics or mention of us. One of the last straws was when SS posted a pic of one of the SGDs wearing her costume in front of her cake and backdrop standing beside me WITH MY HEAD CHOPPED OFF so you couid not tell who I was! (SS copied the pic from MY social media, which obviously showed who I was!) I continued doing less and less each year (store bought cake ordered by DH, food picked up by DH) as the lack of acknowledgement continued (keeping in mind, in the meantime, SS posted to EXCESS pics of SGDs' every move with BM--I'm talking dozens of pics for each event) it has now devolved to a situation where DH takes all of them out to eat at a restaurant where the birthday person gets dessert. Of course, DH still pays for all. I have been "unavailable" for a number of these over the past couple years. 
 

I sometimes wonder if SS30 and family have noticed the shift and if so, what they think about it. Not that it matters. I do feel less resentful about being unappreciated/ignored/taken advantage of and believe the subtraction method is key. It does still make me sad at times to think it has to be this way, but I have accepted that I can't change the way they feel/act, and I can only change me.

I like it. Though I did not know it until you expounded on the subtraction method, I practice the Amplified Subtraction Method.

When they are shit, I subtract then smack them with an additonal amplified negative consequence.  Make it painful beyond their infraction forcing them to live an existance of ever increasing abject misery.

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

To cap it off, make sure they see you enjoying their misery.

Even if you don't actually enjoy it. They should be absolutely convinced that their misery is your fondest hobby.