Helllllp
Totally new to this and could really use some advice. We recently returned from our first blended family vacation. For the most part it was awesome except for one person. My SD is a very difficult personality. Off and on I have been treated like I do not exist. Her language and behavior is very excluding and the dismissiveness never ends. Now her boys are treating me the same. This behavior has been discussed with her twice with her father and once with me. I am at the point where it feels super unhealthy for me and feel I need to set a boundary till she decides she can accept me as her father's wife. The undercurrent is too strong! Any advice is greatly appreciated.
Thank you
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There is absolutely no reason
There is absolutely no reason to take an adult child and her spawn on holiday with you. Holidays are privileged moments intended for leisure, pleasure and relaxation. Enjoy your next trip just you and hubby. Your SD has no place there.
She's old enough to pay for
She's old enough to pay for her own trips. Not your problem.
I didn't go on holiday with my parents after age 15.
I agree with Winterglow. If
I agree with Winterglow. If adult kids cannot behave civilly, to the other people on the vacation.. then they don't need to be on a "family" vacation.
I mean.. she doesn't have to love you and spend time on the deck chatting over margaritas with you.. you can both "do your own thing".. but you can be pleasant and not be disrespectful to each other.
I would suggest not taking the kind of vacation you took. If your SO is wedded to the idea he has to have a large extended fam vacation.. then I would suggest a format that gives everyone plenty of space and the ability to go do their own thing.
Fortunately, he has stepped up and said something.. the next step is to maybe admit to himself these one big happy family vacations are a thing of the past.
I was thinking this was a kid
I was thinking this was a kid when I read it. Since it's an adult just say no. Say no to vacation with them involved.
Early in our marriage, back
Early in our marriage, back in the olden days of "you just need to try harder," I suggested a trip with his kids and mine. I had a particular thing and a particular budget in mind.
By the time SD and DH rearranged and "improved" my idea, it was twice the budget and nothing I wanted to do. Nope. That's where it ended and the topic hasn't come up again.
No vacay with adult kids. Your DH needs to deal with your SD's behavior immediately when it happens. But let me guess...he "doesn't see it." If that's the case you and he need a code word so that he can be "reminded" and attention focused. It goes like this: SD acts like you are invisible. You say, "DH, do you like apple pie?" (Apple is the code word.) That forces him to look at SD's behavior and he needs to call it out. "SD, why are you excluding Patience from this conversation? She's right here and you are being rude."
Yeah...I use the subtraction
Yeah...I use the subtraction method. Everytime they steal joy from something I am contributing money, time and resource to - the opportunity never shows up again. Criticize me at a dinner I am paying for? No more paid dinners out for you. Leave a vacation early and leave me footing the bill for your absence? No more vacations for you. Come to my house and ignore me - not even make eye contact- you won't be invited over. I allow the SKIDs to make the first move - if it's an ok or good move, fine we'll continue but if it's direct negative and punishing? You bet your bottom dollar those opportunities are wiped off the table. Reclaim your power and authority !
I'm intrigued by this
I'm intrigued by this subtraction method.. Is this a thing because I feel like Ive been doing it already in some ways and I like the principle of it..
Probably makes sense why your advice for my situations always resonates
@Yesterdays it's a theory I
@Yesterdays it's a theory I created - I would LOVE to see this propogated so that other stepparents begin to feel control over their lives. So please try out the "subtraction method" - it's really simple. If it feels good and they treat you right you keep going and when they don't you STOP AND NEVER DO IT AGAIN. To be honest, when I implemented this new strategy none of the SKIDs seemed to notice the changes but that just reinforced how little they respected or understood the effort I was putting out. I have never gone back to implement something that's substracted off the table and everyone seems to be happy and oblivious to it. It literally helps cut your pressure, stress OUT and it doesn't seem to impact them at all. It's been a win-win !
Disengagement is your friend
And I like the others suggestions of calling it out to your partner.
Who paid for the trip? What is her issue with you?
You can’t go on family vacations
If they don't want to be family. Stop this craziness. SD told you how she feels so no more vacations trips pick nicks with her. Vacation are only adult two of you from now on
I love the concept of the
I love the concept of the subtraction method. It reminds me of similiar advice I picked up on about how to rid yourself of unwanted obligations, shame and guilt so that you can direct your energy into things that make you happy instead. One method is to ask yourself if something Brings you Joy or Does it Annoy??? Thats when you try to balance things out. If you find something causes you more stress than joy, then you withdraw how much energy and attention you really want to devote to it.
( Credit to "The Life Changing Magic of Not Giving a F#@%" by Sarah Knight for reference)
This advice isnt necessarily centered around StepLife, but I dont see why it shouldnt utilized in some way as much as anyone possibly can, even though we all know its more complicated. But we all have to do this in some form during stepparenthood when you realize that limitations need to be set. . My point is that taking on these family vacations should be on that list of things that are more trouble than their worth. Its on my personal list of things that Dont bring me Any Joy and a privliedge I had withdraw since I will never take my SD on one ever again over her behavior. One and Done. I still feel considerable sadness and anxiety remembering how it had ended up with disaster, especially when things had been going well...had some fun times believe it or not. Or so I wanted to believe. I admit that back then, my gut was telling me it wasnt totally comfortable with the idea but being back when I still felt determined to Try to create that so called Happy Stepfamily cause I was still holding on to some hope.,So I felt like I still had to ( stupidly) give it more chances.. Ended up being a mistake. No joke, after that failed trip, I ended up taking a Solo vacation with just me myself and I to decompress...I legitimately needed to do this or my sanity. Thats how bad it was. Lesson learned.
SD is on the threshold of turning 30 with her own Spawns with an attitiude that everyone owes her something , so if she were still to expect another shot at a "family" vacation after all that, she is bats. I dont know, SD, how about actually getting a job so you can save up to take the family YOU created to make that happen as you should..Instead of waiting on others to take pity on you enough to pay her way. Im more certain that being Pitied has been her main strategy to try to get through life anyhow. . On that note, Dont even think about suggesting it to me after giving that a chance in the first place, only for her to throw one of her wrenches in and shit on the whole thing. DONE!!!!!!! Subtracted!!! Since then, thats why the only trips that DH and I take together have been just US...no SKIDS which is the way its going to stay!!! Unless, DH has the desire to take them someplace as he is free to do so ( but has yet to actually even come up with the idea) That is fine, as long as I am left out of it...I'd rather go do something on my own , which I have no problem doing instead. before getting roped into that mess again
I FEEL this. Excellent plan
I FEEL this. Excellent plan and execution on the vacations. Nice job Little Type Amy.
Thanks! Dont noboyd ask me if
Thanks! Dont noboyd ask me if I give a hoot how much she says she's "changed" and "grown" Still will never take her on a trip even one down the street ever again. Access Denied, SD. Time to get your own life. OR sponge off someone else..not SM. Denied!!
I feel that way about the
I feel that way about the vacations as well. I remember the last vacation I took with the step kids they were horrible. They were both moody due to friend issues they were texting about... Grumpy.. Wanting us to drive places so they could plug in and charge their phone while camping, complaining, whining, wanting to be driven to different bathrooms when we had some close by, wanting to hang out in my vehicle at the campsite the whole time and eat candy in my car leaving wrappers everywhere. Internally I said, never again.
I think it's ok to not repeat things when they went so horrible. I actually feel like it's rewarding poor behavior to keep allowing those bad actions...
Also the whole idea of not doing things for people who show no appreciation or gratitude
Looking back I would have stopped cooking dinners for SD when she was SO rude. It's amazing I put up with what I did
It is amazing when you look
It is amazing when you look back and wonder how I tolerated anything as long as I did. My close friends ( who have had my back in this whole StepHell thing) have asked me how they dont know how I managed to put up with it. Honestly, im not sure either. Plus they have had some dealing with SD as well as some of my family so they had her number possibly before I did. They just saw that I was still hopeful then and probably didnt want to overstep. Now I agree with them when they observed that if DH and I were to ever split up, it would because of this "child" Its that obvious. I thought we would have to whether we would want to or not on her account. ..thats how horrible it got.
I think knowing that my SD's efforts to try to drive me to getting a divorce within our first year of marriage ( when that Vacation Distaster took place, not that there werent other issues that lead up to that. . proved to be unsuccessful. Thats the time when things really just imploded) I didnt mention before that my parents had helped set up part of the trip and helped pay a little our way since they still felt they had to try with her for DH and my sake when they didnt have to get involved. They never had a great feeling about SD , but were still willing to be open to the idea..only to have their efforts met with a tantrum and acting so ungrateful. She had to be sent home early from our trip...DH had to drive her and meet his parents somewhere in the middle between our homes to drop her bratty ass off from my Parents ( where we were staying at the moment) and come back so we be relived of her shit to try to enjoy the remainder of the trip even though I was still trying not to be a wreck. Til this day, I stand firm.. NEVER again.. no one even think of asking me for shit. The thing that still is a kicker til this day, is that while he was carting her nasty ass back, ( i wasnt in the car but according to what i heard later) The first thing she says is "Why doesnt Amy like Me???" and she didnt "mean to" Still had to find a way to put it on me instead of a full apology. I never got one. After all that, when she was 15 then, old enough to know better even with her emotional instability that went beyond typical teen rebelliousness. Still had to play it like she was the victim and still spins that narrative in the present.
This is how I disengaged as
This is how I disengaged as well. One thing at a time. Behaving badly at a restaurant and I get no say in correction? No more restaurant trips with me. Deciding to not go to a show I bought everyone tickets for? No more event planning for me. Ruin your new towels in a week? No more new towels from me...etc.
Love this example- yeah...you
Love this example- yeah...you can't take care of the finer things in life and privilege of eating out, new towels, tickets to a show - NO MORE. NICE ONE @Cover1W!