Mommy dearest…
My SD6 has never asked to spend less time with us (we have her 50%) nor does she complain or get upset when with us. There is certainly a good 1/2 hour to hour of "detox" when we first get her as her biomoms influence can make her sassy/rude/distant. So there have been occasions when she is crying not to leave mom when we first get her but it's literally within minutes that she is fine and her normal happy self. I believe she feels some of it but I also believe some of it is for mom's sake and approval. It makes bio mom so happy to see her baby cry for her. "Look at how much misses me and wants me, she can't stand going to your house and she is just a mommas girl and wants me all the time"
Bio mom makes it out like SD is miserable with us and wants to only be with her. It's just not the case however her believing this is the case feeds her narcissistic ego. It is clear my SD loves her bio mom very much and does everything she can to please her so she tells her it's boring at our house and that she misses her and in a sense I am sure she does somewhat because bio mom spoils her and gives her everything she wants and is giving her a confused sense of self and a confidence that is dependent of bio mom approval.
We can't make bio mom see that she's feeding her own ego and creating a people pleaser in my SD. The hope is the be the good influence and to counter balance the negative influences that bio mom has.
Recently my SD was at her bio moms and called my SO. When he answered, SD said she didn't want to come over the next day. Because we had just gotten back from vacation with her my SO told her it was ok but that the following week we would get back to our normal schedule. As the typical toxic narcissist ex to my SO that bio mom is, she jumps on the phone to tell my SO that SD is really saying that she doesn't want to come over on week days any more and that she only wants to every other weekend. My SO shut it down quickly by saying he wasn't having this conversation with SD present on the phone - said i love you to my SD and hung up while bio mom is yelling over the phone "she's scared to tell you what she wants and I'm just advocating for her".
I am sure being dramatic with my SD once the phone hung up that her father doesn't listen or something along those lines. Anything to make him the bad guy and her numero uno.
Anyhow this isn't an idea that a 6 year old that loves spending time with us comes up with on her own. Nor is it the first idea that has been planted in her impressionable brain. It's put there by bio mom. I don't believe she is scared to say anything. I think she plays a role to her mom and she plays a role to us. It breaks my heart that this child feels like she has to! She can't just be herself and a joyful kid that loves spending time in both places. Biomom can't see how her own need to feed her ego is harming her child.
I feel like bio mom will push this and continue to for month and months to come until SD believes herself that it is what she wants. I guess we will cross that bridge then but I wonder - will less time with us hurt her more; do you give in and let them be the codependent dynamic duo and hope it changes at some point ?
It was many months ago that bio mom dropped by a document to have signed and notarized changing my SD's legal name to include her bio mom last name in her name. Around this same time my SD started telling me that her mom had changed her name and she was now xxx stating just her bio moms last name not ours. My SO was sure this was bio moms plan anyhow. While on paper it would carry both, bio mom would start referring to her as just her last name at schools and everyone/where else .
Again- this is not an idea that a 6 year old comes up with on her own My SO shot it down and shut it down by telling her that he name was carefully chosen at birth by both her mom and dad (they were never married so her last name being my SO's was a conscious choice by bio mom at the time) and that when she turns 18 if she still wants it changed to something else she is welcome to change it to whatever her heart desires. Her reply to that was "so if i wanted to be a totally different name I could?" And he said "yes if you wanted to be Maple Syrup Banana Pancakes that could be your name"
So I guess we let this schedule/visitation issue lie and see where it goes? I am curious who has dealt with similar situations and how they handled it or how it played out
...just one small tiny example of the narcissistic manipulative toxic crap HFK tries to pull. To clarify HFK for you all, let me introduce the nick name i have so fondly dubbed for toxic bio mom to my SD and ex of my SO...for my own coping and sanity she is deemed Horse Face Killa .
cheers
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BM is trying to control DD. your SS and you and your home
She won the first round. No can't come over because tired from vacation. She could sleep at your home.if tired.. stick with the CO to the letter or you will be opening yourself up for a ton of insanity.. you should of asked for a make up weekend.
'If you stick to the CO. it makes life easier. You know where SD is 3.3/4 months from now. Check the CO.
'These BM's try to screw up things so bad you don't even know where you are.
Look up the term "parental
Look up the term "parental alienation" and how it works because this is alienation to a T. It's crazy to read your a description because this is exactly how our own bio mom operated. She said the same things. The kids don't want to come. They need their mom more. They are upset but don't want to talk to you. The kids started saying they missed mommy and can't go a weekend without her... It was ridiculous.
They certainly don't encourage the relationship with the dad... They try to make it so they are the only relevant important person
It was all crap. They have agendas and this is how they try to wiggle their way to full custody of the kid (and hence more child support.. Sadly they want $$$)
My advice is to stick to the court order and be strict in that you are maintaining the schedule. Don't let her bully and try to change things. He does have a court order in place? Don't let a 6 year old child determine custody. If she tries to change the schedule don't allow her and just maintain "ill be there at X time" etc.
Sticking to the CO period
Sticking to the CO period seems to be the theme and pretty simple solution so I certainly appreciate this feedback. That my mind considered any different now seems silly. It is a land mine of emotions that i never expected and keeping those aside its easy to see more clearly. Yes there is a CO in fact following the CO does mean we should have her an additional day but the current schedules seem to work well and I'm not sure SO wants to argue it. It has been something he used before when HFK tried to manipulate something else. He didn't threaten court but gently reminded her that he is legally obligated to another day.
Unfortunately it's definitely
Unfortunately it's definitely not round 1. She won most rounds before I was in the picture because rather than argue SO would give in or even appease. HFK often argues this point with SO saying "you never warned her this much before!" Yelling that it's all "for show" to his whore (ahem...me) yes she's a peach! Anyhow untrue he just has a partner now that has his back and helps with consistency. He was so deflated from the constant battles and degrading spatterings of HFK and clearly had some boundary issues but that has improved 10-fold.
At this point.. I agree with
At this point.. I agree with the assesment of don't vary from the CO.
I know he gave in.. but the answer can be... "oh.. no can't miss my day.. I will make sure she can get to bed early tonight".
I would also have not signed that paperwork.. not unless court ordered to do that.
It's a slippery slope.. and one that could end up with your partner marginalized in the girl's life.. and likely would result in him paying more money to BM to add insult to injury.
Talk to SD
We had this happening, so we had an age-appropriate chat with the SKs. We explained the concepts of honesty and integrity. We can’t be there with them all the time. They have to decide for themselves if they are good honest people or people who don’t stand up for what’s right. We told them that Dad loves them when they’re here and when they’re away. We would be very disappointed if someone (BM) was happy when they said they don’t love their Dad and don’t want to see him. We’d ask, “DO you love your Dad?” (of course!!!). “DO you like coming here and playing with Dad in the back yard and having him help you with your homework and making dinner, and helping with the dishes” (We do!!!!). Then we expect them to always tell the truth. That they shouldn’t have to argue with BM. So, when BM says bad things about Dad, they should ask her to stop saying bad things about their family, that Dad doesn’t say bad things about her (it was true, we stated facts, but never bad-mouthed her). And to never ever lie and tell her that they don’t want to come here. And to be careful not to tell only the bad stories to try to make her happy. But that they should share the good stories at both houses. We want to hear all about the wonderful ice cream they ate. And if she doesn’t, that doesn’t mean they should tell her only the bad things. Finally we asked them to think about being fair. Would it be fair if we kept them all to ourselves and never ever let them see Mom? (NO!) So if Mom and Dad both love them very much, is it fair to ask the kids to pick, or should Mom and Dad just share nicely. And then we followed the CO to the letter!
In the end they learned critical thinking, to stand up for themselves and to stand up for their family. It was an important lesson to teach when they were very young. Before the people-pleasing took deep root, and they found themselves caught between the lie they were living, and the love they had for their Dad . Because if you let that take root, eventually they will learn that Dad will always love them, but Mom will only love them if they hate Dad. So they stop coming and pretend to hate Dad. Because it’s the only way to get love from both. If you nip it in the bud early, you may be able to stop the tug of war from beginning.
Very wise
Insightful handling of this situation. An example of turning a negative into a positive.
Do not deviate from the CO. BM is trying to limit DH's contact
Do not deviate from the CO. BM is trying to limit DH's contact with his daughter and it will only get worse if he doesn't put an immediate stop to it now. I agree with the suggestion to read up on parental alienation, it sounds like that is exactly what she is trying to do.
This has tell-tale markers of alienation
Start documenting EVERYTHING - every comment from the child, every interaction with BM. You will end up back in court...this will escalate...there is no limit to this kind of crazy. I am living it now with my SO and his daughter.
Stick to the CO and get the child into see a therapitst (one who has familiararity with Cluster B personality disorders) if the BM will allow it. The kiddo is going to need tools to deal with mom AND if the therapist is a good one, will be able to report abusive/manipulative behaviors.
I don't want to seem like an alarmist here, but these things start small, BM is absolutely trying to limit dad.