Maybe we have to give it a go every once in a while to remind us?
This is what I said in response to a comment last year on my blog where I was so happy to have stopped our annual vacation with SS30, SDIL29, and SGDs 11 & 9 where DH & I pay for everything, do everything, and they don't lift a finger. (I also have SS29, who's mostly absent unless it's Christmas or he wants something from DH.) I haven't posted since this time last year because, for the most part, I have remained disengaged, so my tolerance for the situation had improved. Even though SS30 & family moved back to BM's town 30 minutes from our lakehouse late last year, we've only seen them a few times, including Christmas, Father's Day, and birthdays, which we've managed to do in a way that avoids DH and I doing a lot of work. DH takes them all out to dinner on birthdays and pays for everyone. Christmas I do easy appetizers for the couple hours they stop by to get their gifts. To avoid another Father's Day like last year where DH and I ran around like chickens with our heads off cooking and cleaning up while SS30 & crew relaxed and watched, this year we picked up and paid for takeout food at our lakehouse. Father's Day went so well with those things in place I admit "I" mentioned to SS30 & family they should come to the lake for the 4th of July celebration. Big mistake! We did tell them we were so busy at work his year we were not taking that week for vacation, which was true, as I even worked at my closed law office on the actual 4th of July.
What I somehow forgot or minimized in my head was how awful it is to have to wait on SS30 & family while they do nothing. Of course, they brought nothing and relaxed all day on the dock while DH grilled, I cooked sides and made desserts and we both helped clean up after them after we had a long, stressful week at work ourselves. (In almost four years of owning that place, they are the ONLY guests who have acted that way.) My 75 year-old mother also came and not only brought several dishes, she stayed and helped clean up everything. At the end of the day, DH & I were exhausted and felt like we had no holiday. On top of that, SS30 continues to post on social media photos to excess every time he's with BM, including endless selfies and expressing his usual undying love, devotion, and appreciation for BM on Mother's Day and no mention whatsoever or pics of DH, not just nothing for Father's Day, but ever. The most SS30 has done is post a pic of just SGDs having fun at our lake, but this year, he hasn't even done that.
This year's 4th of July holiday has left me as disgusted and angry as ever and wondering what to do. In fact, my DH and I had words about it. This is the only thing we've had harsh words over in 25 years. He says the same thing as always, that he wishes it were different but he can't change it and he tries to limit visits with them at the lake as much as possible. I asked him what age do we have to be before we stop it, that if we're 80 years old, do we still have to wait on SS30, who will be 50 then, five years younger than I am now? It seems my options are: isolate myself from my family on the holiday by staying home and letting DH cater to them at the lake; bringing in food to the lake every time they come to minimize cooking and cleaning up; or continuing to serve them. (Note, I haven't mentioned the other things that drive me crazy, like the fact they don't bring their own beach towels, despite the fact we've purchased some for them and they took them home, and SGDs use countless beach towels in any given visit, leaving piles to be washed when I have to return home following the visit.)
I hope I don't sound too petty here. As my blogs show, I've come a long way over the years, since I no longer do the elaborate birthday parties for SGDs, we no longer take their family on a week-long, all expense vacay and have limited our interaction to a couple visits here and there with no overnights. Maybe these couple times a year we see them in a non-restaurant setting are so few and far in between I should just focus on all my many blessings otherwise and live with it to keep the peace. I'm not necessarily looking for advice (though I'm not opposed to it) but trying to think this through. I apologize for any typos, as I'm typing this on my iPad, which autocorrects a lot. lol. Thanks for letting me vent and for reading.
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Comments
It is absolutely wild to me
It is absolutely wild to me that all of these people lack the self-awareness to see how much work they are creating for you, or if they do see, they lack the common courtesy to help out. Or at LEAST pay for things. Who does that?!
I'm "The Hostess" both in my family and my friend group. Between family and friends, there are about 60 people I host on a regular basis either at my home, at other venues, or on vacation. Every single one of those people (including young children) always insists on helping in some way. Either by bringing stuff, preparing food, cleaning up, or offering to offset expenses. Over the years I can think of a few people who I felt like were taking advantage of my hospitality/generosity without reciprocating, and none of those people ended up staying in my circle for long because they just didn't fit in.
Anyway, I don't really have any advice. Just want to validate that you're not wrong in having no desire to do anything else for your step kids. Their entitlement is nothing short of shocking, and your efforts should be spent on people who appreciate you.
The only advice I can give is
The only advice I can give is that since you know this is how it will be... then you have one of three choices
1. Don't invite them - probably not practical as they are your husband's kid and grands.. and he will want some level of contact.
2. Invite them but make sure you have it as easy as possible for you... buy premade grocery store potato salad, grill some hot dogs and bags of chips with canned sodas on paper plates. don't be elaborate.
3. Your DH can be more forthright about what they need to bring.. and when they fail to bring it.. call them on it. Bonus points for them being in charge of something completely central to the party.. like the hot dogs themselves.. when they show up with nothing.. they can be sent back to the store.. or people will have to deal with simply the sides.. haha.
Part of that is he can pointedly ask for help.. not volunteering is one thing.. to decline his request for assistance might be hard.. and he could start asking the grandkids if they are old enough.. start teaching them to be helpful.
I truly think it's one of
I truly think it's one of those situations where, if you have to say something to someone, they won't get it. I think the only solution is to simplify and scale back on preparing foods, as you suggested. Funny thing is, the meal I'm referring to was hot dogs and hamburgers, so nothing fancy, but we had all the fixings that go on each, plus a couple sides, salads, and dessert. Next time, it's dogs with ketchup and mustard and a bag of chips for everybody. lol.
The problem is that unless
The problem is that unless someone says something.. it will never change. They are firmly entrenched in the kid at parent's home role. If it would make you both feel better to get help.. you often don't get what you ask for. Small suggestions.. like.. Oh.. can you pick up some chips.. or the ketchup and mustard on your way up.. may put them in a mode if they are asked every time to volunteer a "what can we bring?" question.
I know my mom kind of had a rule.. you don't help in my kitchen... don't ask me to help in yours. not that she wouldn't bring a dish if it was that kind of even (and we didn't have big family things cause we were military).. but she didn't like people messing around in her kitchen.. and didn't like having to do much beyond help clearing the dishes.. at someone else's.
They are doing what they have always done because people are too afraid to ask.. manners are taught.. and it sounds like they were never held to standards.. so they keep on doing what they have always done.
Thank you for the validation, Felicity!
I agree, and it seems incredible to me that these grown adults don't offer to help in any way. We've hosted so many other family and countless friends in the four years we've had our place at the lake, and no one has acted like that. We even had friends over recently where they insisted on making the entire dinner over our objection and helping clean up. I was actually SS30's age when I met my hubby's mother over dinner at her house, and I absolutely offered to bring something and help clean up and still do to this day. SS30 & SDIL just think differently, I guess.
Your DH should be telling
Your DH should be telling them “Hey guys we got the main you will bring sides”, and give them a list of sides, or desserts, or whatever. Since your DH knows his kids are too inconsiderate to ask, he needs to tell them. He also needs to say “Hey SS30 I need you to help clean up dishes, or take out trash, etc.” He needs to stop expecting them to have good manners and start telling them what he wants.
Question!
So, why is it that your DH does not communicate to SS and the SIL? That they can bring stuff?
I had an idea - how about you make your lakehouse an air bnb while they are there and they can pay for the time? Just kidding.
I would not be doing all that you have done - its miserable time better spent pampering yourself.
Id like to share my lazy A$$ Skid story from this weekend:
Husbands brothers wife had a 75th bday beach part for his brother and family which is a large amount of people. We live 30 miles from the ocean. The brothers wife wanted to do a big thing at the beach, because hes frail and may not see another day. Brother wanted to go fishing.
Husband took brother out on our fishing boat and had they had a blast for most of the day. Meanwhile, me, SD 18 Princess Powersulk Do Nada and our new dog schlepped to the beach. She had invited her friends and I (stupidly, looking back) had offered a ride to one of them, as the other was working and drives. The beach areas are all crowded because its currently the summer tourist season. I had to stock the small cooler and brought water, some sashimi tuna and soy sauce and forgot the wasabe. Packed the car with some beach towels. Dog supplies. My own personal stuff. Did this all on my own because, you know, SKID.
Dropped SD18 PPSDN off with piles of stuff, had her wait for me to park and pay and settle doggie. Met up with her at the pile - luckily the party was very close to the parking lot because out of the 3 teens that were right there, not a single one of them offered to help. I should have asked.
And the next day (sunday) the same people asked me for ice from my icemaker. I gave it to them, but thats the very last time. I need that ice for ME and MY adventures.
OMG, yes, that's about as
OMG, yes, that's about as ridiculous as my SKIDs. It seems there's no lengths they won't go to to take advantage of your generosity. I hope your BIL had an amazing day and precious memories were made despite the selfishness of Little Ms. PPSDN.
Oh yes he DID
He hung with everyone off to the side because germs. Kids played around him, lots of laughter, music and dancing and great food.
SD 18 and her friends hung out. Feral Forger SD25 was there I ignored her.
Been There, Done That
And way too many times. No SK gets a "go" anymore, ever again. I'm glad your DH is on board. I love everything ESMOD suggested.
Minimal invites. The next gathering, have two to three choices of sides they can choose to bring, IF you ever do that again....which I would not. I'd opt for the short visits with DH or him continuing taking them out to eat.
Best to you...I know how difficult this journey is. I dealt with much of the same when I was in relation with DHs kids. Lazy, entitled, expected me to wait on them, didn't bring anything to eat, no gifts for their dad, etc etc etc. Boundaries are your friend.
Yes! Although it's more than
Yes! Although it's more than halfway through the year, is it too late to adopt my word for the year? Or how about for the decade? Boundaries it is!! Seriously, we did not invite them for July 4th festivities last year, and I'm going to refer back to this so I can remind myself not to next year!
People are different
I vote for minimizing all work, take out, paper plates, etc.
I have a thought for you. Some people don't appreciate or value the type of hospitality you provide, home cooked food, grilling, nice sides and desserts. It's not good or bad, it's just a difference. These folks are obviously in that camp. So, don't drive yourself nuts about it. I realized this goes against everything you value.
I'm 79 and was raised. by a family of hostesses. Somehow, I missed that gene. I'm not quite as pronounced as DH to whom all food, whether gourmet or fast food, is the same but I'm in the same group.
So, if you choose to participate in the future, make it ultra easy on yourself and don't have any expectations. You sound like a kind, generous person, take care of your own feelings.
I know you’re right, JRI.
I always appreciate the benefit of your experience and wisdom. Although I'm probably one of the--AHEM--more mature folks on here at age 55 with 25 years married, you are ahead of me. I do love to decorate and do things "extra," but my energy level doesn't quite keep up with the desire anymore. lol. I am going to try to simplify even more when they come. Only problem with using paper plates, etc. is that we have to take our trash to the lake's dump ourselves, which is why we frequently use regular (or melamine) plates. Maybe a few more bags of trash is with keeping what little sanity I have left. lol.
Stop feeding them good food.
Stop feeding them good food. Serve plain simple food that isn't filling. Processed stuff. Unhealthy stuff. And not a lot of it, run out of food. Make it a PITA to come to the lake with you. "Forget" the beach towels so they have to make a trip to the store.
What is wrong with DH that he can't TELL or ASK his kids to chip in ?? He'd rather piss you off than deal with asking? I have a problem with the principle. Wouldn't it be wonderful if at dinner one night he offered you , his wife , a toast in Honor of your years of hospitality, clink glasses then tell the skids that you have the rest of the week off and THEY are in charge of doing it all? One can dream. Or read him this answer and plant that seed.
Why in the world does your DH
Why in the world does your DH not direct them to DO something? SS, please take out the trash. SDIL, would you load the dishwasher please? And Please bring whatever you want to drink, and bring enough for everyone.
Too chicken for even that? Good Lordy, but ok. Then send a text or email prior to the next time. We enjoy seeing you all, but I need you to pitch in with the work. Can you be responsible for the dishes? Bring paper plates if you want to make it super easy on yourselves. And which meal would you like to prep and prepare?
The next time you invite them, tell them if they want to eat
The next time you invite them, tell them if they want to eat they will need to bring and prepare it as you will only be offering the house and the lake, but no cooking or serving. I know it would seem a little weird, but that seems to be the only way to get through to them.
I was thinking
the next time a holiday comes up, give them a nice, breezy phone call saying that you and DH have decided that it's their turn to host and what time do they want you to turn up?
I agree: Ask them to bring
I agree: Ask them to bring something. And when they're at your property, ask them to help you! Tell them to wash their towels. You and your DH can be a team in asking for help.
Also, remind them that the
Also, remind them that the towels they took home were to stay in the lake house, yes, they are for them but their place at the house.
Thank you all! Since there
Thank you all! Since there seems to be a consensus here that DH should just simply ASK them to help, I thought I'd comment on this. That reminds me of one of the last years we rented the beach house for all of us. I texted on a group thread that each couple was going to take turns making dinner a night and we'd go out a couple nights. (This included my oldest DS & his gf, but DH and I still planned to buy all groceries.) I even took my crock pot, went to the store and bought chicken breasts and BBQ sauce and said one couple couid make that with rice one night as a simple meal. OSS acted like he thought I was joking and said he hoped we liked microwaved food. They never mentioned it again and it didn't happen. I let DS and his gf (who were then about 18) off the hook since OSS & SDIL (probably mid-20's) were not doing it. Based on that experience, I really don't think asking them would change anything.
Not only that, DH states plainly he just wants to avoid estrangement, and he's afraid any pressure on SS30 will result in the relationship ending. SS30 was no-contact from about age 12 to 18, refused to come to overnight visitation, acted like he was in misery the few times DH went to BM's town instead and took him out for a meal. It was an awful time for DH filled with sleepless nights. DH fully acknowledges the relationship is not good. They never discuss anything of substance. We ask them and SGDs questions you'd ask acquaintances, how's work going, how's school, etc, and they NEVER ask ANYTHING about us. We've never been invited to their home. In between visits, DH and SS30 do not talk on the phone or text. It's about as dysfunctional as it comes. DH just wants to maintain the relationship and not be estranged, recognizing it's not a good situation. I have a hard time telling him he needs to "force it" with SS30 that he needs to help out, knowing it might put more pressure on an already tenuous relationship. Doing less and less seems to have worked for me so far, You all have helped convince me that's the direction I need to continue to go, to avoid resentment and bitterness.
Oh, and I should add, while DH and I did NOT take SS30 and family on vacation, DH and I are going on a trip next week to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary!
Thank you all again for taking time to comment. It means so much.
I've read all the comments
I've read all the comments and advice and can only agree with the posters who said that your H needs to be straight up with the lazy no hopers!
But since you say he's unwilling to do that, all you can do is withdraw, disengage, whatever....
If it was me, it would not have gotten this far because I would NOT have been able to hold my tongue
I've commented in the past on
I've commented in the past on your overworking while your SKIDs underwork - so I agree with all the comments you've had so far! If your DH finds it hard to tell them to pull their weight - my solution would be to send an email to them all in advance (WELL in advance!) with a list of what desserts/sides they could bring and a list of what their work duties will be when they come. Shirkers don't get invited in future!
So DH
Would rather be his grown kid's butler and you their maid in order to continue to see their royal presence while they kiss the ring of the BM. Sounds oddly familiar.
Another story of unrequited love due to endless toxic skid chasing. Have the SGKs been alienated yet? That whole entitled grown skid family probably do door dash every day of the week. And sadly they are setting a bad example for SGKs.
As for the paper plates, I'd just have a camp fire and toss them in; taking back only the plastic cutlery.
Sigh, I think we all have been "Ghosts Who Cook Dinner" at some point. Beach towels? You get one per person and hang them out to dry. Not piles of them to launder and then disappear into a generational continuation of the BM black hole vortex.
Continue to minimize association with them. When DH suggests an invite for his ungrateful ferals, suggest a day with just you two at a local festival instead.
Alternatively, you can have a "must be at work" crisis leaving DH to do all the heavy lifting until he realizes it's not worth it to continue the one way street "relationship."
"Would rather be his grown
"Would rather be his grown kid's butler and you their maid in order to continue to see their royal presence while they kiss the ring of the BM."
YES! I've said as much to DH when we've argued over this, even recently, and that statement makes my usually laid-back, chill DH probably the angriest. He responds that is unfair of me to say because he wishes it were different but he can't change it and says he's just trying to avoid estrangement. Now, whether asking them to help would actually cause that, I don't know, but I do firmly believe it would be about as uncomfortable as when I asked them to take a turn making a meal for the whole family while on the vacation we paid for.
Good question about the SGDs. No, they actually seem to genuinely like me, as my DH would be the first to say, which is part of what makes this so hard. SGDs commented to me recently they want to spend the weekend at the lake, just the two of them. The problem with that is, every time SS30 & family spend any time with us, BM gets insanely jealous (DH says she's "insecure ") and has to inject herself and then plan something immediately following they can look forward to. BM did this very thing when SSs were visiting EOW. Now, when SS30 and family are there, BM is constantly texting SDIL to tell SGDs this, that, or the other, and they say tell her this back, etc. (Yes, I detect an element that SDIL might enjoy stirring things.) And the next day after we see them, BM/SS30 posts pics of them having fun with BM. I'm done competing with BM (as if there were ever a competition) and just protect my heart. It's not easy, but I come back here from time to time to remind myself of all that's gone on. Hopefully, I'll have my own grandchildren one day and things will be different.
I am also going to throw my
I am also going to throw my vote in the hat to just step aside to let DH and the SKIDults do all the heavy lifiting on their own. Just set out to make sure the SKIDS no longer feel too comfortable by putting these burdens on them and make yourself scarce as much you can possibly can. . It might work in your favor since , well in my experience , employing this strategy for myself acted as some kind of repellent or deterrent for these enttiled so called adults. and these pushover DH;s too once you put the heat on them for once. They say to be cautious of doing things for these people when you get the feeling that your efforts are More Expected rather than appreciated.
Speaking of heat, I also know about getting these kind of reminders whenever Ive found myself sliding back a little to give SD29 the benefit of the doubt. I liken this to that whole Touching A Hot Stove..you just end up getting burned in the end which is how you learn since Experience is the best teacher. I know it never takes me long before I sense these red flags and gut feelings about SD no matter how good my intentions might be in giving her another chance to receive much genorosity from me
If it were myself I would
If it were myself I would send an email saying what meat or veggies they have to bring. When they show up with nothing I would say oh you forgot. You better run to the store because what I planned on needed that. Better run now... And when they want credit card... Explain everyone must contribute. If it turns into a dramatic event then I would bow out of any more events
My parents always taught me if you wanted to be invited back then act like a good guest and contribute and help.
DH seems like he has monry
Hire help. Hire cleaning up people. Who will clean up after them. Even use that means every day orveferother day. There are cooks who will come in and do 4 th ofvJuky BBQ. We are older and get help for a thanksgiving day. To help with the cooking cleaning table setting clean up Nothing wrong to admit you just can or don't want to do it.
What would
be your DH's reaction to hearing the origin of his kids truly deplorable behavior is to gloat while watching him - and you, possibly even more you - abase yourselves by acting as their servants?
Because that's what it sounds like to me. Their behavior is so egregious that it seems unnatural. They're adults, not spoiled teenagers. This is punishment for the divorce and your marriage even though your marriage probably had nothing to do with his divorce.
I understand your husband's fear of further alienation but come on - this reaction to such extreme behavior sounds like he desperately needs therapy to figure out while he values himself so little to accept their behavior. Does he think he deserves it? Does he feel guilty for having found happiness in another marriage and other children? What does he get out of it?
What is there to wonder about
What is there to wonder about?
As you likely know, insanity is doing the same thing repeatedly while expecting a different result.
No more treating them as guests. They are family. If they show up for a lake house visit, they can bring their own food, drinks, and clean up after themselves. Keep no more on hand than what you need to feed yourselves.
Make sure you make it clear that if they come, they bring food for themselves and you and ... they prepare it and clean up.
No more coddling. Make sure that you give DH clarity that he will not only minimize visits, on any visits they will provide all of the food, refreshments, and clean up. Period. Dot.
Stop the insanity.