After a lot of discussion, we have come to the mutual decision that Starry is no longer welcome at our house. DH is still very upset with her and is not OK with her hanging out in our home. 

Works for me.

Full disengagement from her also works for me. I am not willing to speak to her unless its absolutely necessary. 

If the grandkids want to come over, that is fine. We (or more likely DH) will go pick them up at their house and bring them here. This way we can drop them back off and Starry does not have to come here. 

This will be tricky during the holidays, but luckily there are plenty of other family members around during large events that I can visit with. I don't have to engage her. And we will be taking Christmas to the grandkids rather than have everyone come here. Thanksgiving shouldn't be an issue because this year they will be with Preach's family.

DH will be the one enforcing these boundaries. I'm OUT. This is HIS daughter, so HE is the one in control of what goes on and what will be tolerated moving forward. He said he is ready to put his foot down and is done letting Starry manipulate him. 

It's about time!

I know this will be hard for him. He doesn't like confrontation. However, he has been pushed too far as well. It time to change the dynamic here. 

Up to now, we have both been willing to compromise, have apologized for things to Starry and have been reasonable on our end. it does no good. There is no reasoning with her. The trauma she has experienced is the only thing that matters to her. 

She refuses to take responsibility for any of her actions. So guess what? NOW she has to face the consequences. 

She is not the only in this situation who has been traumatized.