Hi all, I've been asking for advice more than usual. Sorry to ask for so much attention, but folks on here always have such good insights and perspectives. I was wondering what you thought of what I think is a variation of mini-husband syndrome/clingy behavior. SS is way keen on talking to dh. Obviously, talking is to be expected between father and son, but SS goes out of his way to corner dh, or to seek him out when it's not expected. I was really struck at a graduation party that was hosted by SS' highschool friend's parents last week. As soon as we walked in, SS was right on us (actually, I was only incidentally there). SS wanted to check in, tell dh about his plans for the evening, express his opinion about how his graduation was going, etc. When SS's friends came by, SS introduced them to dh, but left me out. Dh tried to introduce me when he could. Not only that, SS's new GF stammered when she realized who I was and trailed off and left. It's totally clear to me that SS bad mouths me to everyone. It reaffirms my strong belief that SS should never bring friends over to the house when dh is not there. There is no way I'm going to host a bunch of teens who have been turned against me. I was fine though. I wasn't looking for any best friends there.

In any case, that's not all. Throughout the few hours we were there, SS kept coming over to our table. Dh is a bit shy, so he didn't want to socialize with parents who he will probably not see again. Again, SS kept coming over and just had so much to say. Then, when dh got up to get us a second round of drinks, SS cornered him at the bar, and was talking to him for several minutes. I assume SS was deliberately trying to keep dh away from me because he tries to do that at the house all of the time. Dh eventually excused himself and walked away from SS to come back to our table. I was fine how dh handled it.

SS's friends were on the dance floor joking, talking, dancing, and having fun. The fact that SS would take so much time to engage his middle aged, ole' man brought into stark relief for me what I observe all of the time. It's like, 'go have fun with your friends, SS! Why are you hanging on the arms of your dad?'

The only time I've observed SS  putting a brake on this behavior was the year or so he was with his ex GF. She dominated his time, and he seemed to be good with that. She disliked us, so she decided she didn't want to come here any more, so if he wanted to hang out with her, it was always at her place or go out. So we saw very little of him for about the last 4 months of their relationship. They told us that they were going to get married one day, so they at least thought it was quite serious. I honestly think that she managed to convince SS that she was the only one SS could rely on and no one else, including his dad. During that time, SS was beyond obnoxious. If dh wanted SS to have dinner with us, SS would tell us that he was too busy, but that if we were "lucky", he might spend a little time with us. He would often say that - "Dad, your lucky. I might have time for you tonight."

But that bravado was a mask for the underlying neediness he has with his dad. My sense is that SS briefly transferred that neediness to his ex GF for a bit, but now it has come roaring back. When we're all at the house, SS will try to find opportunities to pounce on dh to get him to go with him away from me. Whether it's to the backyard, or to teach him to drive, or when I go to church (SS just loves it when I go to church because dh has been spending those hours to spend alone time with SS). If we have alternate plans and SS doesn't get that time with dh on Sundays, SS will literally pout and react with anger. It's like, SS, you're 18. I don't know of any other 18 year old that is so motivated to talk with his dad. It's not like they talk about anything that significant. Usually SS just wants to go into highly specific details about the latest money-making scheme, or his latest clothes preferences. As I've also talked about, it's also sometimes just SS confabulating made up stuff. SS often has a lot of grievances, so I hear SS wear out dh's ears with all the ways people are dumb as well. But I don't think it matters exactly what is said, SS wins as long as dh is giving SS time and attention.

I read a little bit about attachment styles as they relate to relationships. Does anyone know much about that? My assessment is that SS has insecure attachment (mostly due to his primary caregiver, his mom), and the reason why he can't focus on his friends at the graduation party is because he has to constantly check in with his dad who is "his person". If that's the case, I do feel sorry for SS, but I'm also concerned. If I'm right, it is not as though dh's making time for him could ever be enough to satisfy SS. SS is like the energizer bunny - no matter what, he just keeps coming at dh and keeps trying to find ways to isolate him from me. As you can see, SS will be that way even when he seems to have better alternatives (like hanging out with his friends). It's so intense, and I fear that that intensity is part of what fuels SS's antagonism towards me. I'm the number one obstacle to his getting his time with his dad.