New baby, MIL and SD.
Since my son has been born 3 weeks ago (and before, for that matter) my MIL will NOT STOP talking about my SD12 and focusing every single conversation around her.
It is honestly one of the reasons I’ve been avoiding her coming over because from the moment she walks in the door until the moment she leaves she’s talking about SD12 non-stop.
Even when they came up to the hospital, not only was she going on about SD to us but she was telling everyone there about her, even the nurse staff and doctors that were coming in and out of the room, like they give a shit.
She could NOT let me and my
husband just have a moment where it could be just about my brand new son for once. Just ONCE.
Comparing the way he looked to SD, comparing his birth story to SD’s, comparing his weight, height and hair to SD.
Telling the same tired story over and over again of the moment my husband “became a dad” to my SD and when they were all at the hospital when it happened, etc. I’ve heard the story 3,863,616,573 times.
It’s like she thinks if SD is not the focus of every conversation that we are just going to forget she exists or something.
Although I don’t think my MIL is malicious about it, because I think she is generally just low IQ and socially unaware, sometimes I think that she secretly thinks I’m just this step mom that doesn’t pay enough attention to “the poor SD” or put her on the same pedestal that she does or that I should be treating her like she’s my own child and like I’m her actual mother even though I’m not.
She wants SUCH a fuss made over SD and it’s so annoying.
Of course I was excited for my SD to meet our son, of course she will be very involved in being a half sister, of course we will not just neglect her because he’s here, so can we, and I more importantly, for the first few days and weeks of his birth, have my own moment where it can be about him for a bit?
I just don’t understand how this is a social boundary she doesn’t “get?”
Some people are SO unaware.
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You need to fight fire with fire
When MIL goes on about SD, start making up fantastic stories about SD.
"Yes and did you know SD is the youngest astronaut to be accepted by the NASA space program?" "She also won the Van Clyburn award." Say with straightest face imaginable. Keep one upping her until she gives up in sheer frustration.
LMAO!
I like this! Hahaha! As mean as it sounds, I truly think my MIL is so dumb that she wouldn't even understand the sarcasm and just look at me confuused saying "Huh? What? I don't get it." LOL. I honestly don;t know how my hsband and his siblings are as intelligent as they are.
"ANYWAY can we please take a
"ANYWAY can we please take a moment to focus on our newest family member? He's his own person and the constant comparison to SD is a bit much"
or
"please tell me the story of how BMs vaginia tore open whilst giving birth to the flawless SD!!! I just can't get enough of that story!!!!" 10 minutes later "would you mind telling me that story again i just love it so much!!!!"
or
"You've told the story of SD's birth weight a bunch.... do you remember DS's birth weight?"
Totally this. Toss it back
Totally this. Toss it back into her face. No remorse!
please tell me the story of
I like this!
I like the first one and I feel would be the only way to make her understand because unless you are staring right at her directly telling her something in very obvious blunt terms, she does't understand. So, I suppose part of it is my fault that this has continued because i haven't been direct to tell her to stop but DH did tell me he's going to talk to her about it before the next time we see her. I believe he will. He's over the moon with our son and wants to bask in the happiness right now and even noticed before I said anything to him about this. I'm just not used to people around me being so dumb and self-unaware. It blows my mind the social ques people just can't pick up on or the social antennas some people don't have!
Well if you know how this
Well if you know how this lady is stop inviting her.
And/or Tell your husband how inconsiderate and obnoxious she is and to keep his mother in check.
If it were up to me.
Oh trust me, if it were up to me I would happily never be around my in laws again. Unfortunately, as obnoxious as it is, I don't necessarily feel dumb annoyances and lack of social intellligence is enough to merrit complete banishment of them from our family but I certainly have and will continue to reinforce boudnaries and hold my husband and my in laws firmly accountable to them so they stay in check.
Luckily, husband already picked up on what MIL was doing at the hospital before I said anything and started changing the subject each time. He said it was getting on his nerves too and asked if I wanted him to talk to her about it and I said I did so he's going to before the next time we see them. So, I suppose I'm just on here to vent right now. Hahaha. just don't understand how some people can be SO self unaware!
Unfortunately, as obnoxious
If they can't behave properly then on major events it is.
you can't control her behavior but you can choose who you spend time with
Cause and effect ijs she will eventually get a clue when she stops getting invited
but if you all don't want to uninvite her then someone has to have a conversation with her and give her a chance to correct herself
Sorry youre experiencing this
Sorry youre experiencing this with your MIL. My MIL sounds just like yours - the world revolves around my SS4, even when there was our new baby, who's now 13 months old. I've pointed this out to my husband just to let him know that I know and have acted accordingly:
- I gave my FIL his birthday gift with some photos of just him and my baby (his grandson). Apparently when my MIL saw these pictures without her in them, she got jealous and started asking my husband to take some photos of her and my baby lol.
- When I am around my in-laws, I wlll hand the baby over to my FIL instead of my MIL.
So since she's so focused on SS4 all the time, I play along with it. In the end, she will be the one who misses out, not my son.
I like this approach!
I like this approach!
I wonder how she would react. LOL!
I'll ask DH to go along with this with me.
Disengage
Tell DH to stop his mother doing this. Or just keep her away until she learns. DH has to see this happing
Yes!
Luckily DH picked up on what she was doing at the hospital before I even said anything and started to adjust the direction of the conversation each time she would start in on SD because we've had conversations in the past about how she does stuff like this. And he asked me if I wanted him to talk to her and I said yes, so that will be happening soon.
Thank God my husband didn't get his IQ level from his mom so he knows how to identify clear social skills and boundaries!
Smh
She definitely sounds unaware. Congrats on your new bundle of joy!! Nothing like having your own, I thoroughly have enjoyed being DD9's mom since the beginning. It really does go fast.
Thank you!
Thank you so much!
We are truly over the moon with DS. He is a perfect little angel and we are enjoying him so much!
Correct- she's honestly the most unaware person I've ever met. No social antenna whatsoever.
Congrats on the new baby.
Congrats on the new baby. Sounds like MIL is feeling insecure. Perhaps she fears her first (?) grandchild could be forgotten or pushed to the side now. But the behavior sounds awful. Can you or DH reassure her that there is room for your baby and SD? Or, better yet, somehow keep this woman away from you, at least for the time being. (Although I'm laughing at the other suggestions.)
Oh, I bet!
I absolutely agree. Feeling insecure at the mere thought that the sun won't rise and set on SD for even the smallest amount of time while we welcome the new baby. SD is her first grandchild and she has ALWAYS had a weird obsession/co-dependent relationship with her, treats her with special treatment and says obnoxious ignorant things, even in front of the other grandchildren, like "Me and Holly have always had a special relationship, more than any of the other grandkids" and "Holly has always been the MOST beautiful of all the grandkids."
It is honestly gross, obnoxious, creepy and so weird.
Luckily DH also sees this as strange and told me he will be talknig to MIL about this and keeping this behavior away from me in the future, moving forward.
I do not
understand how a grandmother would not be thrilled with a new grandchild. My granddaughter is from my son's first marriage and I adore her but it doesn't stand in the way of my being enthralled with my twin grandsons from his second marriage.
Is she generally off in the head?
RIGHT!?
Yes! I completely agree! She seemed excited about him, but certainly not enough to not continue to think or talk about SD non-stop.
Honestly, she is off and in my opinion, low IQ, socially unaware and just dumb, to be frank.
I think it stems from the fact that when my DH had SD with his Ex-wife, they were young- she was 19 and DH was 23. So DH's mom was very involved in raising SD and SD's mom was not the best mom, so I think she felt a heavy responsibility to fll the gaps and make up for SD's emotionally distant mom. So, she overcompensated in a very unhealthy way and spoiled SD and made sure she was never uncomfortable for a single second. *eyeroll*
So essentially
she sees SD as HER child which explains her jealousy of your new little one.
She's like the BM who can't stand it when her ex has more children.
Weird.
So make MIL aware. Jerk a knot in her tail for her SD worship.
I would.
I would have had her removed from the hospital and not allowed back with a clear message that the birth of your son is not about SD.
Tolerate no bullshit from your MIL. I suspect that MIL is plying her shit and you are letting her off the hook as stupid or socially unaware. She is what she is as is evidenced by her behaviors. She is manipulative adn she is toxic.
Make her live what she is do not tolerate her or her manipulative stupid granny bullshit.
When people show or tell you who and what they are, believe them.
Categorize MIL by her actions, and never again be fooled by her words and manipulations.
Of course SD is a big sis. Of course her father, and you, want her involved. What none of this is, is about SD. MIL is plying her toxic manipulative invasive shit and it needs to be nipped in the bud. She is fabricating drama. It is that simple.
IMHO of course.
Inform MIL that she has not lost all interface with either of her GKs without direct oversight and absolute compliance with what she is told to do, how she is told to do it, and when she is told to do it.
See how she likes crying about not seeing her GKs and watch how much better the lives of your DH, you, SD, and your DS get. Whether MIL does as she is told and behaves appropriately, or... is kept away from your kids. Either way, your side wins.
The feelings of the maniplative are irrelevant.
All IMHO of course.
I would have had her removed
Most importantly, congratuations on the baby.
Take care of the baby, DH, you, and your family. IMHO, MIL, is rapidly approaching the point where she does not qualify as family.
Whether she remains family, is up to her. She either pulls her head out of her ass, gets on board reasonably, or, she has no place in the family or access to your children.
Good advice.
Very insightful and good advice from you, Rags, as always.
I see all your points and appreciate your take on this. MIL is truly one of the most obnoxious people I've ever known and I'm constantly stuck in the dilema of feelinig enraged by her and feeling sorry for her because sheb is so stupid and it never seems to be easy to decipher her true intentions.
Sometimes I think she knows exactly what shes doing and sometimes I think she is no where near intelligent enough to be calculated. UGH.
Her intentions are irrelvant
Her intentions are irrelvant IMHO. It is her actions that matter. Why she did what she did does not matter. Regardless of her intent, she is toxic. That is what is important.
Protecting your family from her actions is important. Her intent is not what is dangerous to your family.
I can sympathize with the
I can sympathize with the bonehead MIL prattle. My MIL is one that cannot stop talking.. and she also thinks it's necessary to ask you 1001 questions.. Hopefully she will become just as enamoured with your baby as she was with SD.. she has had years to get to know SD.. so I guess that's part of her perspective.. but I can see how it would grate.
I might quietly tell your DH (when MIL is not there).. that while you care about your SD... that it hurts your feelings a bit that MIL was so focused on her when you just had a new grandbaby.. and that the next time MIL starts to go incessently down memory row about her.. could he try to change the subject?
Do we have the same MIL?!
Sounds like we have the same MIL. My MIL is also a non-stop lip flapper. SHE NEVER STOPS talking, never stops asking a millioin questions, never even lets a person finish their thought or answer before she starts asking even more questions! Its quuite honestly so hard to be around.
Luckily DH caught on to what she was doing as we have had this discussion in the past about her weird obsession with SD. Even though DH has also had issues in the past for overcompensating when it comes to SD he has really has made some progress with seeing the situation for what it is and making changes.
He will be talking to MIL because he said it isn't fair to me or our son when she does this.
Any updates on DH's talk with
Any updates on DH's talk with his mom?
Look her in the eyes ad ask
Look her in the eyes ad ask her if she is being deliberately stupid or if it comes naturally...
Lol!
Hahahaha, I wish I had the balls!!!! Haha!
Look her in the eyes ad ask
Look her in the eyes ad ask her if she is being deliberately stupid or if it comes naturally...
Congratulations!!!!!
I like the advice here! I dont have bios, so never had this particular problem, but it sounds hurtful and annoying...
This is YOUR and baby's time. So, get that MIL in line or she is OUT.
Thank you!
Thank you for validating my feelings! I truly don't think I'm some evil step mother that doesn't want to make room for SD, but good Lord, can I just have my first time mommy bliss moment to myself instead of being constantly reminded of my husband ex wife's first time mommy experience?!
I love DS so much, he is simply perfect and I'm truly in awe. I just want to enjoy every minute.
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