Can someone please explain why stepchild is always the main focus?
Why is the stepchild always the focus, the favorite, the obsession, and put on a pedestal? Even when there is an “ours” baby or child involved?
I don’t understand it so maybe someone can explain it to me if you’re experiencing the same thing.
In my situation in particular, SS4 has autism and behavior issues. Our “ours” baby boy is 13 months old. It’s ALWAYS “SS this and SS that” or DH is always saying “Me and SS are doing this” or “Me and SS are going here” or “Me and SS had this” when SS4 is here.
My MIL is the same way.
I’m 2 years in and I’m so sick of it already. We have 50/50 custody which will be turning into full custody this August (which will be another post of my worst nightmare (maybe some of your worst nightmares too) coming true.
Please don’t suggest divorce as that is not something I would consider. I really just want to know WHY the stepchild, especially one with behavior issues, is always put as the center focus from the bio parent and the in-laws.
EDIT: And what are we supposed to do about it? Do I have to compete and always put our 13 month baby as the center focus? How do you guys counteract it?
Thank you!
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Comments
Guilt
Daddy guilt. Your little boy has both his parents in an intact marriage. "Poor SS" is a cod, child of divorce.
Is that what all this is?
Is that what all this is? Does it ever go away?! Ugh.
Thank you, JRI
I thnk it's common for the
I thnk it's common for the special needs child to take more family attention and resources. I would be insisting my husband spends more time and attention on your bio as well as his older bio.. I do feel guilt factors into things.. both the special needs part and the parental split part.. Also, when your SS is in the home.. your DH is the only parent while your child has two parents.. so the time spent by your DH is split to two kids.. you can just focus on yours.
Honestly.. it might be something to consider counseling over.. your child may eventually see the different treatment.. so you need to get ahead of it.. and make sure your husband is aware of that.. and can work to be more equal
as far as MIL..your SO should be insisting on similar treatment.. but I will say in situations where the new wife doesn't have a good relationship with the MIL.. that carries over to the kids.. not much way around that.
Thank you for your persective
Thank you for your persective, ESMOD, especially the part about the MIL. That actually makes sense for my situation and I never thought about the MIL relationship carrying over to the kids.
Well.. part of it is probably
Well.. part of it is probably that you avoid having her over a lot.. she doesn't have the opportunity to spend time with your child.. and an infant is very closely linked to their mother.. so that is a natural barrier to her being involved there. I would hope that as time goes on she at least is equitable in things like christmas presents etc.. your DH should encourage that.
FWIW
Esmod raises a good point about special needs children. Even when you think you are treating both children exactly the same ... the neurotypical child will always think they are taking second place because they observe the time you spend with their sibling and resent it, even when they understand that their sibling is going to therapy appointments with you. The neurotypical child actually needs more attention to feel reassured in their family.
Spe ial needs change everything.
Ohhh good point Winterglow,
Ohhh good point Winterglow, thank you! I'll have to bring this up with DH. I might screenshot this actually lol
I agree. My sister was
I agree. My sister was diagnosed with Juvenile (type 1) diabetes as a young teen, when I was 16, and let me tell you it 100% effected how I was treated by my mother and sometimes other family members. I was absolutely a second thought/second place kid. And the resentment was BIG and carried over into adulthood. My sister and I are good friends now, but my relationship with my parents, esp. my mother, was permanently damaged.
Aww that's sad, I'm sorry you
Aww that's sad, I'm sorry you had to experience feeling like a second-place child in your family. That's great that you and your sister are okay now. Your mom and the other adults should have known better and that you still needed attention too.
JRI is correct. Some parents,
JRI is correct. Some parents, not all, try to compensate for the divorce and go overboard with attention, gifts, whatever. It's probably worse when the child has other issues.
If your DH is open to the discussion, I think he should be made aware of what he is doing, as they are not always consciously aware that they are doing this. What they (DH and in-laws) need to realize, is that they are doing the child no favors by treating him differently than if he were in an intact family.
That is true about the gifts
That is true about the gifts too! It's always a very expensive birthday gift for the SS4 year old's birthday. I did make a comment last time to DH about how he's always saying "Me and SS, Me and SS, Me and SS" and I never hear him saying " Me and BioSon or Me and wife" so I hope he took the hint.
Thank you for your advice, hereiam
Full custody? Oh boy. I
Full custody? Oh boy. I would die on this hill, making sure DH spends time with his second son. I'd also make sure that SS gets everything he needs as he grows up so he can move out as an adult and live his best life possible. Do not allow DH to expect the younger one to take care of the older one. That is not a plan.
Yep, full custody starting
Yep, full custody starting this August and I feel a pit in my stomach when I just think about it. I PRAY he will be able to move out and live his best life on his own. Ive read on here about some stepparents knowing that their stepchild will have to live with them as adults because the stepkid can't live independently.
Good point on not putting that burden to take care of him on our youngest child. I would absolutely not allow that.
Thank you for your thoughts, Survivingstephell
Engaging all state agencies,
Engaging all state agencies, programs, etc ... early and getting a SN teen on a waiting list for a young adult group home is IMHO a key responsibility for the adults in that kid's life.
In my first career I owned restaurants. I worked with multiple group homes and had several SN residents of group homes as employees. Usually as bussers, janitorial, prep cooks, and inventory people. They were some of my most reliable employees. Not without some challenges, but very good at what they did, very engaging, and very reliable.
They could not live completely independently but they lived well, had an enagaging community, close friendships, and professional group home staff that kept their home safe, made sure they kept themselves and their home clean, worked with their medical care teams, and were very caring and engaged with the residents. I was invited to several events each year at the homes of my SN employees.
It is a hard thing for a parent of SN kids and even harder thing for parents of SN Kidults to focus on the best interests of their children as well as focusing on their own best interests, the best interests of their relationships, and the best interests of any non SN children in the mix. It is not always in the best interests of an SN adult to keep them in the family home, limit their lives to just the family and the status quo that SN kid has lived their entire life.
It is also extremely unfair for other kids to have to lose their childhood and have to live their lives to caring for an SN sib. The SN child/didult should be an integral part of the family and the family should be responsible for their support as much as necessary beyond the care, support, and benefits that are available for SN kids and kidults. The SN person should not be limited to just their family and the family should not be limited by the SN person.
Get the right people in the help mix and set the SN person up to have a life beyond the family.
IMHO of course.
Thank you for all of this. It
Thank you for all of this. It's good to hear that you worked with special needs kids who ended up being very reliable at their job. This information helps me too because now I know that if it does come to a point where we realize SS4 would not be able to live a fully independent life that there are homes for him where he could have friends and actually be a part of a community and live a meaningful life with assistance. Thank you for sharing!
Not kids. These were SN
Not kids. These were SN middle aged adults.
Oh okay, gotcha!
Oh okay, gotcha!
You might consider finding a
You might consider finding a play therapist for SS. He's four years old, changing homes, and starting school. That's a lot.
I'd also spend some time now discussing house rules for SS. The rules you have for a part time resident may be different than a child who is there full time. Agreed rules can short circuit the you don't like my child accusation. You and Dad need to be on the same page. You want to set the rules from the beginning. Not having rules from the beginning makes it harder later.
It is going to be a lot,
It is going to be a lot, definitely. I would love to write up some house rules and I most likely will and post it somewhere. I've definitely heard the "You hate my child!" comment that I think most stepparents hear at some point or another lol
Thank you for sharing, notarelative
It took us a while but we
It took us a while but we eventually landed on the rules. standards of behavior and standards of performance apply all of the time.
Early on we had pre visitation behavioral degradation and post visitation detox to deal with from SS as he was approaching leaving for SpermClan visitation and when he returned home. Pre visitation issues started about a week prior to departure. Post visitation detox took about 2wks.
Fairly early we decided that we were no longer going to play those games. So we made it clear to SS that the rules and standards applied from the second he got home until he stepped on the plane to fly to SpermLand. He pushed back but learned real quick that he had zero choice but to behave or suffer the consequences for his choices.
IMHO, the rules have to be exactly the same for a visiting kid as they are for a resident kid. Ceteris paribus. Different rules for a visiting kid than for a resident kid would seem to be a recipe for disaster. The resident kid will take extreme exception to the favor shown toward the visiting kid. I know I would if I was a resident kid in a blended family where a visitation schedule kid was not held to the rules and standards of the home and family and I was. Vice versa applies as well.
IMHO
Because dh has his side of
Because dh has his side of the family, and the bm and HER side of the family in his ear.
Where you only have your family rooting for your bio. Step child has possibly 3 homes doing it.
You have to be the one to address this. IF dh is honest with himself, he will see it too and fix it. IF he is not willing, trouble is ahead.
Oh by the way, who is caring for ss when your home becomes his residence full time?
Thank you, Thumper and I am a
Thank you, Thumper and I am a stay-at-home-mom, so I have been caring for SS4 all day for 14 days straight when he comes here (I definitely envied the weekends-only stepparents). When we get SS4 full-time in August he should be attending school that same month.
Why is the stepchild always
Because some bio parents are not mentally balanced, assume their kid is experiencing some sort of "suffering" from being a product of divorce or never married bio parents, etc.
This is one major reason why I could not marry my ex nor have a baby with him because I could foresee this sort of boundary violation enraging me to my core.
Id say you should have a serious conversation (multiple if necessary) because you did not sign up to be a married single mother....which is worse than being an actual single mother bc if a man is going to be a staunch Disney parent supporting his exwifes household only, double down on his stance when confronted with his inconsiderate behavior, still expect wifely duties while he fails as a partner and parent .... then he's kind of a lost cause AND a dead weight.
Time for some change
Hi Lillywy00!!
Hi Lillywy00!!
I am so glad that you were able to avoid trapping yourself in such an infuriating situation. I haven't been on here in a while, so I'm not caught up on your current situation but I hope you're feeling peaceful knowing you dodged many bullets and that you're living your best life without the Disneydad drama
Yep. And the OP should nail
Yep. And the OP should nail failed family prior breeder to the CS wall by the short and curlies. IMHO of course.
Not SN SKid related... But.... Guilt, lack of character,
Guilt, lack of character, lack of testicular fortitude, fear of the X, pick one, or all, and add a dozen+ others.
Many prior failed family breeders really have no business breeding again. Even with a partner of true quality. The risk of the prior failed family breeder ruining the new partner's life and the lives of any new children is just too high.
IMHO of course.
This is the case for my SS-31's Spermidiot. SS is an only for his mom and in our marriage. He is the eldest of 4 by 3 different baby mamas for the Spermidiot. SS is the only one of the 4 who is a self supporting adult of character, quality, and standing in his life, his profession, and his community.
#2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, #4 is not far behind the inmate.
Who knows how many lives of partners and any partner's prior kids that the POS Spermidiot has destroyed?
Rags,
Rags,
I laughed out loud at "lack of testicular fortitude" omgosh thank you for the laughter since I don't laugh nearly as much as I used to when I was younger lol
It sounds like there's way too many baby mamas in your case. Having just one to deal with is more than enough but it sounds like you at least did a great job with your SS since he is the only decent one out of 4!
Many prior failed family
♥
DarkElf,
DarkElf,
Exactly. If only I had known...
I hope you are getting a lot of CS for SS.
This exter money could be used to hire help . Or a cleaning person. To clean your hone to ease some of the pressure on you. I would not do this unless there resources
Harry,
Harry,
I was just thinking about the child support situation last night and will be asking DH again if he plans on asking her for it. I appreciate that you thought of me and how something could be done to take pressure off of me in this situation. It feels like the only people who get considered in this situation are DH and SS4, so thank you :)
I definitely agree with the
I definitely agree with the other comments especially that bio parents assume their kid is "suffering" from being a product of divorce/separated parents. In my experience, the child is often babied and placed on a pedestal. I can 100% see why a special needs child may require additional attention and consideration but there shouldn't be such a massive difference in treatment amongst children. Your child shouldn't feel less loved and important as a result. We have full custody of my SS12 and it is 24/7 all about SS. My DH never goes out of his way to do anything for OD5 I am the primary caregiver for her but when it comes to SS he gets whatever he wants and gets away with everything. It is draining. I am not sure how to counter act it my DH is not very receptive to any form of criticism or area of improvement but hopefully yours is. If you can talk to him about making your bio child a priority and encourage opportunities for that connection hopefully that will help. As for the MIL... it seems like the same situation. It's like they favor the other child, super strange. I have also tried to foster a similar relationship but to no avail so their loss honestly.
Hi MoonlightMama,
Hi MoonlightMama,
It sounds like we are both in a similar situation with our husbands and MILs putting the stepkid on the pedestal and yes it's sooo draining. It's so unfortunate that your hubby isn't open to hearing your feedback, especially since it concerns his other child. From what I've read on this site, bio parents will reap what they sow when their spoiled perfect angel children become teens/adults and continue to expect to have everything handed to them, so maybe that will play out with your husband and SS12 and you'll be saying "I told you so" quietly under your breath.
And I actually screenshotted one of the above comments that mentioned how neurotypical kids need just as much attention as the special needs kid and sent it to my husband. I did notice a small shift that he's paying a bit more attention to our baby now, but we will see how long it lasts.
As for these MILs, it's like they want to act like our stepkid is their own child and want to play the mom. It's so annoying.