I'm so over SS20's B.S.
A few months ago I thought I was safe from SS20 moving back in to our house. Since some time last year SS20 was saying he wanted to move back in from his BMs house which he lives in since he left at 16. A house he left to despite custody agreements in place because he wanted freedom, no chores, pot and to be treated like a MAN... fast forward now he wants to move back in here because maybe the happy times have ended at the other house. He thinks that in our house, he will be pampered and catered to... because my SO is full-blown Disney. SS20 is a twin to another SS (who's away in college - not many issues there, or at least not worth to comment). SS20 hasn't been able to hold a steady job since he started working at 17. This time around, he is holding on to a nightclub bouncer job on the weekends. 3 attempts at community college, and SS has not been able to stay put and finish anything - mind you just studying liberal arts... no math, no English... he finally told my SO he doesn't want to study. SS20 at this point a 20 year old manchild no college, no trades, thinks he conquered the world with a bouncer job. He's losing his job for the summer since that horrid club is closing for renovations... SS20 plans? To go the gym near my house and spend 3 months coasting until the club reopens. SS20 is very self-absorbed and entitled and has this idea that women have to cook for him and have to serve him. And he has all the signs of being raised by Disney parents as we all know in this space.
When he tried to return at the beginning of the year, I told my SO I couldn't live with this kid. SO and I had a big argument. SO I could not understand why I couldn't make an effort to live with the child. For me, there are many reasons, big and small. I don't like to have to cater to him and cook for him; groceries are super expensive, he doesn't pick up after himself, I disagree with his lifestyle decisions and how supported he is by his BPs on his crap, his energy makes me cringe, SO gets all stupid and dumb when SS20 is around ... well all the Disney parenting signs... And I can't explain this, but I feel that SS20 is not launching any time soon or ever, and I don't want to live with a third adult that leaches and is not stopped by his BPs.
So back then, finally, we agreed that he could move in but had to follow a dozen rules that I wrote down on paper, like no pot in my house, no friends late at night before my working days, chores, and lots of them, etc. That kept him at bay after SO spoke to him about the rules. Now he is 20....
Last night, SS20 was at our house for my birthday celebration with his twin (which I cooked and did dishes - since no SS offered to. These are small battles I choose to lose, to keep the peace for one day), and SO was delighted. As usual, SS20 is needy of hyper attention by SO, and SO caters to him 200%. So it was my birthday celebration, but SS20 made sure to take up all the air in the room. I heard them talking outside, and when they were walking back into the house, I heard these words from SO to SS20: "... when you move back in..." My stomach turned, and the meal gave me a stomach ache... The next couple of hours were hell in my head. I have physical reactions every time I hear SS20 is moving back in. I get nervous, my heart races and I get physical symptoms of rejection of the thought. We went to sleep. I was going to try not to talk about this, but I was feeling so bad I did. I told my SO how I felt with the return of his child, and that in my late 50s, I am not willing to give up my peace and contentment for SS20. I explained that his energy and mine clash, that I feel great nervousness when he is around, and that I have to shrink myself in my own house (which is owned by SO...) because the SS20 is so needy and takes so much space and energy. SO looked sad and just said ok several times. I asked for them to let me know when he is officially moving in, and SO said that SS20 just goes back and forth on the idea... but I am not sure why; my instinct tells me SS20 is coming back... I can't request him not to move in because it's SOs house and SO has clearly told me that SS20 moving back is something that would bring my SO much happiness and the ability to care for him and do things for him... ugh. I can't fight it.
So, at this point, I am feeling sad, and a bit bad, and just dropping a major vent here and waiting for SS20 to dictate or not my move out... 
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Comments
just say no. tell your dh it
just say no. tell your dh it is off the table.
Thanks for your encouragement
Thanks for your encouragement. DH won't have it. He is looking forward to his SS20 baby moving back in to have him close. I can't fight it, but I can't stomach living with SS. It's beyond me.
If you have no say in how you live
Then you don't count to DH Unfortunately you must start making a exit plan. And let DHahd SS live together.
DH puts both himself and his
DH puts both himself and his son ahead of you. You know where you rank. Quietly make an exit plan (gather documents, stash money) so you can implement a speedy move out when the time comes.
Will do that. Thanks for the
Will do that. Thanks for the advice.
when you're married w/ no
when you're married w/ no minor children in house and you still come in dead last behind his adult children, you have to try to figure out where that line is. Can you say to DH "I will no longer contribute more than SS does.I will pay as much rent, do the same chores and buy the same amount of groceries. If he gets a free ride, so does your wife"
It goes beyond these matters
It goes beyond these matters of contributing. First of all, SO will NOT charge the child for anything around the house and lets a lot of things slide. But what really gets me is the SS20 attitude, entitlement, and stupid ways and choices in life, which I find is risky behavior that I am not willing to tolerate. I can't stomach his energy. I need peace. I can't live holding my tongue and/or fighting every day. He's chaotic and manipulative and charms his way with SO all the time.
You say you "cannot" request
You say you "cannot" request that SS doesn't move in - you can and you should. You give the impression you are powerless in the relationship - this isn't true - if it is true, it is not a healthy relationship, and you would be better off on your own. A 20 yr old man does not need someone "caring and doing for him", he needs to be making his own way in the world. If your SO doesn't allow him to do this, in fact, insist on it, he is doing him a grave disservice, since this is what SS should be doing at this stage in his life. What your SO should be looking at is why, in heaven's name, he needs to continue to treat an adult man like a baby.
I've been preaching this for
I've been preaching this for 8 years... that my SO does not demand any responsibilities and accountability from SS; only once in a while when sh** hits the fan. This has caused numerous fights between SO and I, so I decided to step back and intervene as little as possible. And now SO feels he wants his son in the house if he wants to move back in... SO has told me he can't say NO to his son... I am not going to fight anymore... I need my peace above all...
You cannot disengage and
You cannot disengage and continue to cater to ALL of them, because your SO will get mad? That is NOT healthy nor a loving relationship. Your SS learned to treat women then from his father. If you will not or cannot put your foot down even about your SSs cleaning up for YOUR birthday celebration then I don't see you have any choice with letting him move in.
Or, your choice is for yourself, not for your marriage or your SO. For YOU. Either you stay in the marriage and put up with all this or you leave.
Stop overthinking, stop any
Stop overthinking, stop any consideration of how happy his failure to launch spawn returning would make your SO. Give him the direct message. The day SS-20 returns, will be the day the divorce papers are filed.
DH needs clarity that his failed parenting will not ruin your life any more than it already has.
Where is the twin in all of this? How is it that SS-20 is a boomerang Skidult and apparently his twin is not? Yes, kids are different. Even twins. However, the basic standards of behavior, performance, adult self sufficiency have to be standard for every kid in the mix. Specific mitigating issues not withstanding. Like, one being a multiple amputee, or with severe special needs, etc.....
This probably
sounds trivial but why did your SO not take care of dinner and cleanup? You say his sons did not which is a valid complaint but it sounds like your SO doesn't set a very good example. And it sounds very much like you are being used and taken advantage of.
And if you are contributing toward the household income then you have a say in how the household works no matter who owns the house.
You can hire a housekeeper
So you don't have to clean up after SS. If DH let SS Move in then you disengage, you don't do any cooking or cleaning. As getting a housekeeper that DH pays for with SS
It would be ideal, but I CAN
It would be ideal, but I CAN"T live with SS period. I can't stand his bullshit all day pretending he is a grown man but acts like a friggin needy child all day long... and soooo entitled
Disengagement and Exit Strategy
Im in camp Exit-stage-left. You are being treated as less than in your home. Your birthday YOU were doing all the work. When SS moves in it will continue, unless you severely disengage yourself.
And start looking for another place to live. You mental and emotional health are linked to your physical health, and YOU are important, YOU matter.
Thanks. Exit Strategy is in
Thanks. Exit Strategy is in place. SO knows clearly that SS comes in and I go out the door...
I don't understand SO
Hi,
I don't understand SO letting SS20 decide if he is moving in or not. Shouldn't this be a decision he talks to you about, since you are his mate and you live there too? I get that SO owns the house, but I would tell him that if SS20 moves back in, you will be moving out and ending the relationship. Let SO decide if he wants to be a grown up man or let his adult child run his life and his home.
I'm sorry. I am so mad on your behalf that SO is doing this to you. You deserve better. I know the gut punch feeling of finding out you've been kept in the dark and that your home will be invaded by some idiot with no manners. I have 3 idiots with no manners who like to visit at Christmas, hoping for free food and gifts. LOL. I can barely stand them for a day. Thank goodness I had this talk with my DH and he finally saw the light and agreed - the skids won't be moving back in, no matter what. I wish you luck. Let us know what happens.
Thanks for your words. We had
Thanks for your words. We had a heart to heart... It's decided... I'm out when/if SS comes back...