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I never hear about adult or teen step kids who are disengaged. I've finally realized after many years that describes my situation. I kept trying to get their attention and all I got was disengagement from me and my kids. And all the while they pretend that is not the case to their father. Who believes even in the face of overwhelming evidence. For years his children only text or call him. They never visit but only see us when they want to partake in family vacation home a couple weekends a summer. All the while ending every call with dad oh say hello to Mary.
Honestly they could come this board and give us a lesson in the art of disengagement while their father( our spouses) are bamboozled.

DHs are clueless and don't

DHs are clueless and don't see through the passive aggressive bullsh!t that SKs put SMs too. SD13 will literally walk out the door and say "bye DAD" while myself and DS3 are standing right there too. My DH also acts bamboozled as to why we are disengaged from each other. Clueless.

You allow it to happen

If someone doesn't respect me to say good by. Or hello. They don't stay in my home. I will not be disrespected. DH can take his kids to motel 6 and see them there. Having that big happy family with the lights on

Absolutely.

They don't view you as a

They don't view you as a human with feelings - a person. Quite literally. Between Bio parent alienation and society give them a free pass. SKIDS are even appalauded for treating the stepparent horrifically. This is the truth - that's why nobody gets it because you aren't seen as important or valuable or even human. To be honest I think all these folks are going to have to respond to someone someday - maybe it's a higher power or consciousness who knows? It is cruel and you don't deserve it.

I would add that in general

I would add that in general the worst dehumanization is reserved for women, not men. Step-Father's are often portrayed as heros that stepped up when the dead beat bio Dad took off. You see heartwarming stories in the media of daughter being walked down the isle by Stepdad. You would never see a Stepmother portrayed in the role of Mother of the bride or groom. Women still get the short end of the stick in our society.

I have never been a proponent

I have never been a proponent of disengagement. IMHO it is abdicating being a partner and an adult to a failed family spawn. Not happening in my life.

In lieu of disengagement, I suggest full frontal confronation of any violation of the standards of behavior and standards of performance that you require of those in your life. Namely, your SO and any kids in the mix regardless of whose they are biologically.

For damned sure kids do not get to disengage. Kids have one choice and one choice only, follow the damned standards or live the consequences. Pure cause and effect.

IMHO of course.

In lieu of disengagement, I

In lieu of disengagement, I suggest full frontal confronation of any violation of the standards of behavior and standards of performance that you require of those in your life.

D@mn! I spit my drink out lol

This or up n leave. Many of these bio parents are willfully obtuse and banking on you to do nothing/turn a blind eye/be their side kick on the "Disneyland / helicopter / gentle parenting sh*tshow".

Only when you show them they can either get it together or kick rocks do they improve their/their kids behavior. Men who erroneously think you cannot / will not leave their unsavory selves and their feral spawns are THE worst!

Disneyland parents gone learn .... the easy way or the hard way ... the choice is theirs.

DH is clueless

Because, the truth hurts too much. DH doesn't want,...or. ..cant. ..or hurts too much.. to understand his kids want nothing to do with him, except being a AMT. So in his mind,, it's a happy family trying to find itself. A week as a summer house is better then sitting at home. Some beach time...going out to dinner.. getting gifts.. is all good for a week. Excluding weekends

They dont see

Because they dont WANT to see or acknowledge their own failings.

Its great! Why would you want

Its great! Why would you want more than that? I dont get it...

The fact that they are polite enough to say Hi at the end of phone calls with their dad is also a good thing. I am not understanding what you expect from grown adults besides basic respect for their fathers spouse

I think it's the passive

I think it's the passive aggressive/odd behavior that is unsettling. . . In New's case, the fact that her SD never visits her home or never has conversations with her. Healthy step relationships in my view: my adult niece, for example, who refers to her SM and father as her parents (and treats both of them as such); my relationship with my father's GF when he was alive and she was living nearby...acknowledging her birthday, exchanging gifts during holidays, inviting them both for dinner (same with my mother and stepfather). It's expanding your circle and acting like a decent human being rather than crossing your arms like an angry 7 year old. It's mostly, I think, being genuinely happy for your parent's happiness.

The key to this is "being

The key to this is "being genuinely happy for your parent's happiness." Makes total sense, but it's the norm for SKIDs to not feel this way (rare exceptions do exist) or genuinely have their parent's back (if they did they'd be happy for them finding love) and even as adults they remain selfish. Time and time again.