Struggling
Hi all, apologies for the long post. I have been quite down about all this and really hoping to get some good advice. I've often read posts but not posted. I have been dating my SO for about 2.5 years. He lived with me the majority of the time after a few months but kept a place to have custody of his Son every second weekend and one weeknight. During the initial year BM moved about an hour away. I met his Son about a year after us meeting. BM more or less insisted my SO moved in as it was "confusing" to have several houses. It then just sort of happened within a month or so of meeting him.
After this being the situation for about six months we were then asked to move nearer as the child misses his Dad. SO agreed, I eventually agreed after initially being quite upset as I can't move my job. We Haven't managed to find a place in the six months. We had been spending time together (mostly I would be there) and although I often feel a bit like I don't fit in it has been fun. Last weekend it was announced by SO that he and SS would be better going on days out together just the two of them some of the time as that might help SS stop missing SO. This has devastated me. I was making sure I wasn't always there, they had days out alone but I took it very much to be I am the problem. We are back to talking now but if I am honest I think it has left me a bit depressed. Does anyone have any insight about how they would feel about this? Would you just brush it off as concern for his Son or would you be upset? I don't know if it's coming from him or BM. It coincided with a time when BM seemed very upset about something, possibly that we were viewing a house she didn't deem close enough.
it felt out of character for SO and my feelings for him have been affected. I understand his Son is his priority, I am ok with that. I am not ok with being cited as the cause of his son missing him.
does anyone have any thoughts/advice? I don't feel I can commit to moving but am probably now thinking about ending the relationship.
Thank you for reading
Why is BM calling the shots?
Why is BM calling the shots? Sounds like she's trying to get your BF back, inch by inch. She's the one who moved away so why should you and your BF have to take up the slack?
Thank you so much for
Thank you so much for replying and to be honest validating what I feel is happening. It's very much BM calling the shots and him accepting that. I am worried even if we move it won't be enough there will just be something else.
Next time she starts on about
Next time she starts on about his son missing him, maybe he should offer to take custody if she can't cope... She'd never agree but it might shut her up.
How old is the child?
He has asked for shared
He has asked for shared custody before which she totally dismissed. She wants him to visit the child more at her house. He is 5. It's not until you start writing it all down you realise how messed up the situation is. Thank you so much for your thoughts - it's helped me so much.
She doesn't get to make that
She doesn't get to make that decision. If he wants more custody, he should talk to a lawyer. And, for goodness sake , tell him to stop asking her and start telling her. He has the same rights as a parent as she does.
She really does sound as if she wants him back... or , at the very least, she wants to show you who's in charge.
FWIW, the parent who moves away generally gets the extra work, so why is HE doing all the running? I really do think he should consult a lawyer to learn about his parental rights.
I Would NOT Move
Red flags abound in your post. The BM has way too much control over this situation and your SO is letting her rule his life, which will then be her ruling your life. I don't think this guy is really available for you.
Please, do not leave your home and job. Be thankful you haven't found a place together. Let him find his own place and get settled in with his kid. Do not let him "move in" to your place when he doesn't have his kid. DATE. And watch closely. Moving on might be your best option.
Best to you.
"Doing the work"
On Steptalk, when they ask if the partner "has done the work", they mean has he established his own place? Does he have a CO? Is he really parenting or is he Disney Dad? In other words, has he made an independent life. If not, it's quite difficult for a new person, like you.
I'd say your SO is a well-meaning person who is concerned about his son. I think BM might be a manipulator who plays the guilt card. I don't think your SO has really made the emotional break, ie, he hasn't done the work yet.
If BM is so worried about SS missing his Dad, why doesn't
If BM is so worried about SS missing his Dad, why doesn't she agree to a more equal custody arraingement?
Honestly, your SO is not ready for a relationship. He needs to figure out how to handle his living space and his kid on his own, before he can involve someone else. And the idea that BM thought he should move in with you because there were too many homes was just odd. I think you should back off a bit and just date this guy. You both get your own places to live and give it some time.
Thank you so much everyone
Thank you so much everyone for your comments - it's so difficult to be objective when you are in the middle of it but so helpful to have all of your thoughts and advice on the situation. Sadly it is too late to not move in as that has all been steamrollered through but I now have the start of an idea I will sell up, buy a smaller place and move closer to my job - firstly I will see if I can get any kind of improvement in things but if not this would hopefully be a plan for me. Thank you so much honestly, you've helped me see I am not the cause of the issue here and that is something that has been deeply troubling me these past few weeks.
So.. wait.. BM told your SO
So.. wait.. BM told your SO to move in with YOU??? that is totally weird! and inappropriate as all get out!
Then she steamrolled you into moving further from your job?
Look.. there is no way to sugar coat this. Your SO is not good BF or life partner material.
He is just a pawn in BM's game. His child either doesn't like you.. or BM is calling that shot to to alienate you. How would that work if you and he had a child? it wouldn't.
And.. yes.. he moves closer then he can be her total "beck and call B" you will be constantly saddled with daycare for your stepchild.. she will have your SO running ragged.
I would absolutely figure out a way to get out of this situation..
Would your SO be open to
Would your SO be open to seeing a relationship therapist who has experience with blended families? I think in many families, the wife takes the lead on child care and the husband follows. Then when a separation happens, the men continue to follow BM's lead because they haven't developed their own ways of parenting. Add to that the rhetoric in divorced men circles about them "losing" their kids and the courts favouring mothers, and you get a man who's constantly in fear and react mode. I agree with others that your SO isn't ready for a relationship but that doesn't mean that he can't get there. In my own situation, my DH and I were both the ones who left our first marriages and that came with a lot of guilt about the impact on our kids. We went into our relationship convinced that our respective children should always come first. And that worked for 10 years until we hit a situation where my needs were in direct conflict with the needs of his kids. We sought couples counseling and it saved us because the counselor gave us permission to make our own relationship our first priority. It was a massive mind shift for both of us. I guess what I'm saying is, divorce and post-divorce relationships are hard and mixed with all sorts of hard to manage feelings. Definitely set some boundaries for yourself, but don't throw out the baby with the bathwater until you ask him to consider some counseling with you (if you haven't already). It's much easier for both of you when a third party tells you to put yourselves first.
Sadie.. I'm not sure that
Sadie.. I'm not sure that your situation ended ideally or is a goal.. there is massive estrangement from his children and family.. and THAT is not a healthy situation for him.. and continues to cause you guys problems.
Minor kids are a primary responsibility . Our partners should be A priority. along with our parents. our kids.. our jobs etc.. not everyone is able to be the first priority all the time.. and that's unreasonable to think as a couple you have to always put your spouse first... because there are situations that may dictate otherwise.
But this situation is messed up for OP.. her SO's EX is telling them when to live together.. where to live.. in no universe is this OK.
First, I never said that my
First, I never said that my situation ended ideally. Or that it's ended at all. I know there will be more challenges ahead.
Second, sometimes relationships with family members aren't necessarily healthy. In my DH's case, it's much healthier for him to be away from his toxic family. He is currently on "low contact" vs "no contact" with his mother because she's chosen to respect his boundaries. His "kids", who are 30 and 32, are still stamping their feet and feeling like they're entitled to treat their father any way they like without repercussions. I hope they see the light one day and come back ready to foster mutually-respectful relationships. But if they don't, it's their loss. (I should have pointed out their ages when commented on their needs conflicting with my needs, and also clarify that it was more like their entitled boundaryless expectations of their dad conflicted with his commitment to me).
Finally, I agree that kids should be a priority in their parents lives. But that doesn't mean that the parent can't pursue a healthy relationship at the same time. A good counselor could possibly help OP's SO find a balance between being a good father and a good partner, establish appropriate boundaries with BM, and avoid becoming a Disneyland Dad.
Great to hear Sadie.
You and DH are a rare couple with the rare ability to shift and succeed in your relationship together.
We sought couples counseling and it saved us because the counselor gave us permission to make our own relationship our first priority.
That you found a truly capable and professional counselor who engaged intelligently with you to make the changes so many in blended family marriages need is even more rare.
I do caution anyone seeking marriage therapy to be extremely diligent in finding a qualityh therapist who understands clearly that they work for you and what your specific expectations are regarding their performance in delivering to your expectations.
Many therapists are bout feels and not results. Particularly in the blended family marriage space. They prioritize the Skids over their actual clients and their relationship.
Congratulations to you and your DH Sadie.
Thanks for sharing your success.
Thanks Rags! I agree about
Thanks Rags! I agree about getting the right therapist. And one that has experience with blended families. I know DH and I will still have rocky roads ahead but, for now, our relatioonship to strong. Unfort, he is estranged from his kids but the door will be open to them if they decide to walk through it respectfully.
confused177, stop with the BM dictating to you and controlling
confused177, stop with the BM dictating to you and controlling your life.
You are at a huge negative inertia point in your relationship. But to be clear, the relationship has by all appearances been one extended negative intertia point. 2.5yrs in and both you and your SO are BM's beck and call bitches.
While life causes focus to shift upon occasion, IMHO it is imperative that the adult relationship at the center of the blended family home is the unequivocal priority and hill to die on for both equity life partners in that relationship. Kids are the top adult/relationship responsibility, but not the priority. The priority and the top responsibility are two very different things. Do not ever confuse that.
This is also a clear "smack to the back of the head" that you need to keep ready to apply to your SO who is clearly of the mind that sniffing his kids butt and being BM's beck and call bitch is the thing for him to do.
It is not. Being a viable adult, partner, father, and man is the thing he should be doing.
He wants you to support that and subjegate yourself to his failed family as little more than his safe harbor and back door girl.
BM, is irrelevant beyond defending your hill from her manipulative crap at all costs. If, you remain in this shit show of a life tragedy. Which I do not recommend.
You need to value yourself far more than to make your life being the sacrifice on the alter of SParental martyrdom to this failed man and his failed family baggage.
This failed man does not have the juice, intellect, or character to be worthy of a life with you. All of that is as clear as day. Even with the limited history you have provided. He is not capable and will never be your equity life partner.
Take care of you and enjoy your new life adventure. Grin big as you watch them fading into your rear view window. Enjoy you. Get on with your best life which cannot possibly include this baggage infested failed family and failed partner.
IMHO of course.
Some background. Like you, I do not have any BKs. My bride and I are approaching our 30th anniversary later this year. We met when my SS-31 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. His mom and I raised him together.
We landed on making each other and our marriage the unassailable priority early in our relationship. There was no grand plan or initially established boundaries, standards of behavior or standards of performance though the blended family element of our marriage had us setting those boundaries and standards very early.
That included as equity life partners we are also equity parents to any children in our home and marriage. As it turned out, SS is an only child in our marriage. It also included the clear alignment that the SpermClan had zero place, say, or influence over our lives and marriage beyond the absolutely defended parameters of the Custody/Support/Visitation Court Order (CO).
If the SpermClan had mandated that we move closer to SpermLand, we would have laughed in their faces and made it clear that if they wanted to rumble over it, court would be their lives until it was clearly resolved. A big part of the success of our blended family and blended family marriage is that the visitation schedule was always long distance. My DW was the CP. She had full physica and legal custody from birth. She left SpermLand when she finished HS to attend University out of State. She had SS on her hip. That is where we met.
Do not sacrifice yourself for this man and his familed family. Get on with your best life.
A best life is out there. That can and will include a life of adventure and love for the ages. Be confident in yourself and do not settle for anyone who does not deliver every second of every day as your equity life partner.
You got this.
This has made me so much less
This has made me so much less worried about toughening up to this situation and if it does all end I will forever think of them fading from my rear view mirror and me driving off into the sunset.
I have more hope now that there is an equitable partner out there for me, I'm so glad you have yours, sounds like exactly what I am aiming for.
Thank you so much.
You are welcome. Though I
You are welcome. Though I would advise that if you choose to leave, that the drive be mentally into the sunrise. A new day, a new life adventure, and a continued investment in you. Sunsets can certainly be beautiful but... sunrise is a new day one of the future.
That said, I am not a morning person.
Take care of you.
@Rags, LOVE this: Kids are
@Rags, LOVE this: Kids are the top adult/relationship responsibility, but not the priority. The priority and the top responsibility are two very different things. Do not ever confuse that.