DD playing favorites
So we have been married for year, however we lived together for two years prior. We both have adult kids from our previous marraige. Does anyone else here deal with jealousy issues between DD and SD (24)? Its obvious that when she comes into the picture, me and my kids are on the back burner. He's definitely going tru Dad Guilt from his divorce and will do whatever it takes to put SD on a pedastal. And she knows it and plays it to her advantage all the time. When she is around, i don't exist. She will completely disrespect him and he lets her get by with it.
Anyway, latest drama... just bought a china cabinet that we planned to store his crystal objects in. When i come home, this china cabinet is filled up, bright spotlight, looks great. its the spotlight of th house.
However....i see there are pictures of his daughter elegantly displayed in the cabinet however he didn't feel the need to put any of my kids photos in the elegant china cabinet. And there was abosultey no room for anything else. As usual, my kids don't get the same treatment as the SD. I told him iwas hurt cause I felt like he excluded my kids, again. he said i had no right to be upset but he would take care of it. I come home the following day and to my suprise, he completely emptied out the china cabinet and boxed all the crystal up, including her pictures. Ok sooooo......in my mind he had two choices (1) consider my feelings, whether right or wrong, and make a place for my kids pictures cause it was important to me or (2) lets just teach me a lesson - act childish and empty out the entire china cabinet to be vindictive. WTF! I know this may seem like a stupid thing to get upset about, but there's so many of these little reminders who takes priority in this "step family". honestly i didn't want my kids to come over this weekend and see how glorious the SD is presented while their pics sit int he office. Just too many things have happened that causes a lot of anxiety for me. Oh did i mention that while we are being intimate and if she calls, he actually STOPS AND TAKES THE CALL! yeah i felt real important .... thanks for listening to me rant.
Ah, the mantrum
My DH does the same thing. Fine, I can't do what I want, I won't do ANYTHING! See! Are you happy now! You're not!? Then you're impossible, I'M just doing what you asked. (and don't tell me that's not what you meant and I'm going to pretend I don't know what you meant because I want to make you feel as bad as I do even though there's no reason to feel bad)
Seriously, life is too short
Seriously, life is too short to be made to feel like like this. You were not wrong, but he is trying to make you feel like you are. I couldn't live like this.
Are you happy? Will he ever change? Can you change to accept ONLY his "family" is important?
These are very important questions you should be asking yourself and honestly answering. Better to face them sooner rather than later.
It’s yours china cabinet
Not his DD’s. You putting in what you want in your china cabinet is not childish. Your cabinet you fill it anyway you see fit
IDK, kind of seems the thing
IDK, kind of seems the thing was purchased with a misunderstanding from the get-go.
OP said they purchased it for Dh's crystals. Ok. Does that mean only his crystals? some of his crystals and some of her desirables of her choice? If it were truly purchased for DH's crystals, why are any photos being placed inside it? I can't say I've ever seen anyone place photos (of anyone) inside a china hutch.
I'm not one to put family pics up and around 'public' areas in the home to begin with , let alone inside a cabinet meant for china (or other pieces of sparkle). I wouldn't occur to me to ask if I could now also include pics of my children.
I'd be thrilled to death the turd Dh took the whole display down.The empty hutch would now eventually find itself moved to a less prominent place (not the main attention attraction)and probably get a few pieces of china or collectibles put inside (minus lighting the bulbs up).
It's Not A Petty Thing, By Far, But Rather, Very Telling
Just the remark he made thinking your upset was not validated, but he'd "take care of it." The fact he knew it needed to be addressed says it all. The way he did it was ridiculous. If the hutch was for the home, why couldn't you put crystal on one level and comingle photos on another tier?
I hate seeing pics of DH's offspring. They were gradually taking over the house. We have book cases, but I simply put his kids' & grandkids' picutres way up at the top, explaining, "That's where they belong" but only so they are not at MY EYE LEVEL. I have put some in a closet and he hasn't even noticed! I have MY KIDS' photos at MY EYE LEVEL.
This can be easily rectified, but it seems this is just anohter ongoing example of how he makes it abundantly clear his offspring matter, while yours do not. This is typically brought on by guilt. I'm living with that, and trust me, it's a nightmare to try to conquer. Guilt coupled with narcissitic offspring are a recipe for disaster and disappointment.
Good luck.
Good grief!!!
Your husbands adult daughter is clearly a higher priority than you or your marriage.
His reaction to your feelings seem childish and emotionally abusive.
I would not be ok with my husband or any man I cohabitate with behaving in the manner your husband did.
Stop being unhappy so your husband can be comfortable.
Tell him how you really feel, you should not have to walk on eggshells in your own home to spare his feelings over his adult daughter.
That is your home and you are the woman of the house, don't allow him to make you less than in front of your daughters or anyone else. Be true to yourself because he sure as hell is being true to himself!
Good luck!
Agree!!
Your DH is being a bully. Let him know the original reason for the china cabinet was for his collection - NOT pictures. Give him 24 hours to start putting in his collection or take the china cabinet over and fill it up with things you love.
Another thing - The 'invisible SM' is VERY common and it is disrespectful. It needs to stop now. Nip it in the bud or you will be suffering for a long time. Your DH needs to put your marriage as top priority and you must accept nothing short of it. Of course, SD will be his favorite daughter but she must know she is to respect you as his wife.
My DH - and SD - was much like yours for 20 years. I kept sacrificing my happiness and self-worth to avoid a tantrum from DH or SD. I finally gave him the choice of working on the marriage or leaving. It was one of the best gifts - to give myself back to me. If your DH doesn't see the light, save up for an exit plan. I can tell you from personal experience it just isn't worth it to stay in an emotionally abusive relationship. Stand firm. You won't be sorry
Thank you!
I sincerely appreciate all the comments you shared. He still says that i am his top priority but actions speaks louder than words. Now i hear she may join us on a vacation we were planning....hello? No thanks. I have some serious thinkging to do. Of course i want him to have a relationship with his daughter, but F*** i get so upset when he quickly flips and does what he can to please her needs. I am still standing firm on the cabinet issue, as i see if as completely selfish. I could go on and on about all the things that have happened. Sometimes i don't know if i am overreacting, or blindly giving him a pass on this behavior. Perhaps i should insist my daughter to come along vacation if SD comes. Fair is fair, right?
If he INSISTS his daughter is
If he INSISTS his daughter is going on your vacation, ABSOULUTELY your daughter should also be invited.