DH and 2SD's from Hell!!! VENT SESSION
A little backstory: Married 5 years to DH. When we first got serious about marriage, I expressed to him I didn't want his kids living with us, at that time they were SD17 and SD22. He would not hear of it, and INSISTED his kids were coming. I stayed. This is a converstion I tried to have last night that makes no sense to me. I want answers. I want an apology. The resentment is effecting my sex life. I love him so much. But sometimes I want to leave.
I asked DH last night, "why when I told you I didn't want your kids to live with us, why didn't you listen to me?" He said, "because of the way I was raised, and the things I went through as a child, I just always wanted to be there for my kids"
I said, "well, I know that you always want to be there for your kids (SD27 now, and SD24 now) and you could have still been there for them, but they did not have to live with us"
He said, "well, if we would of went to marriage counceling before, a lot of things that happened could of been avoided (taking a stab at something that I hid in our marriage that I later confessed to).
He said, "I have always been in my kids life." BUT....when I met him, SD17 was living with Mom, and SD27 was f'ing off at some college in another state" So why did they have to move in with us?
He said, "Because of my parents being divorced I always wanted a family" So because you and your 1st wife didn't work out, you force ME to fufill the American Dream you missed out on because of your cheating ex wife???
Why didn't my feelings and wants for my lif and my marriage matter?
Why didn't I just refuse to marry him?
Why am I still here???
He never gave me a reason why he couldn't be in his kids life, while not living in the same home as them, the same way he was for 20 years before we met.
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You have been duped, sadly.
You have been duped, sadly.
My 2nd husband used me to subsidize him so he could buy the love of his 4 sons. My ex didn't give a fig about me or my kids or OUR marriage. It was all about his 4 sons. I didn't fully realize this until we were married. Our marriage didn't last 2 years.
Why do you stay? Loving him isn't going to make up for his blatant disrespect of you.
I stay because that is what I
I stay because that is what I vowed to do. If the kids are not going to leave and it be just us, then I will probably have to make a decision I don't want to, but I cant keep going like this. You are right. I didn't realize it either, he made them out to be these big time basketball athletes that were going to be off in college for four years and away from us. Not freaking true at all....
I understand staying because
I understand staying because of keeping vows. Your partner has broken the vows he made to you.
I would start with a trial separation. Sometimes that's all it takes to get a partner to wise up.
She wasn't duped, he told her
She wasn't duped, he told her that his sons would be living with them.
Do they still live with you
Do they still live with you at their big ages? If so, work on that. If not and it's just built up resentment from the past, counseling might help.
Yes
SS27 is lazy, won't work, does no chores and Daddy doesn't enforce or do anything about it. SS27 claims he's been "looking" for work. SS24 has been off and on in college, different schools, but when he's off, most times he is with us. Mom is claiming to be homeless at the time so can't really do anything now, but DH has promised when she does, they are gone and not living with us again. I want to believe him. I am just really angry about being robbed out of my honeymoon bliss. Kids were here soon as we got married and have been a thorn every since. I have not got to really enjoy being married much between them and other issues as well. DH and I are in therapy now. Thank you.
It sounds like DH is
It sounds like DH is delusionally trying to recreate the "family" he didn't have when they were kids, but in the process he is infantilizing at least one if not both of these adult men. BM's situation has no bearing on the SS27 situation, or at least it shouldn't. Does this man plan on being a dependent adult baby forever? DH should work on his codependency and enabling issues, and these men need to be pushed from the nest.
Very much delusional and
Very much delusional and trying to make up for the past, enabling, ALL THAT!!! I want that kid gone yesterday! I just don't know what to do or how. Just hoping what we agreed upon still stands when our lease is up....
Hope won't make it happen.
Hope won't make it happen. Can you talk to DH about this, maybe in therapy? He has to know you are serious.
When we first got serious
When we first got serious about marriage, I expressed to him I didn't want his kids living with us, at that time they were SS17 and SS22. He would not hear of it, and INSISTED his kids were coming. I stayed.
Am I missing something? He told you that they would be coming to live with you?
Yes
He did. And I probably should have turned and walked away. There was no compromising or giving a little, getting a little. He said yes and that is what happened. I guess in my mind I was just going to try to see if it would be ok, and I put my own wants aside.
Yes, we want to believe that
Yes, we want to believe that things will work out, especially when we love somebody.
Regardelss, they are both full grown adults and should be out on their own or aggressively moving towards that goal. Unfortunately, your husband doesn't seem inclined to enforce that.
Get thee to a lawyer!
TODAY.
Even if you do not leave, at least you know what your options are, and it would help to have some concrete movements and information.
Get your financial ducks in a row. Hoepfully your finances are separated. If not get another bank account in your name only and start putting all your money in there. Are you retired? Then its even more important to figure out the financials.
Counseling for just you would help a lot. That and reading around on here, at others experiences.
But seriously, putting a name to everything that is wrong in your marriage, your relationship, your husbands relationships, is simply untangling a realled effed up ball of yarn. Better to spend a big amount of time and energy on what you want your future to look like (different than now!)
Once you have your ducks in a row, have a talk with husband. Get that move out timeline on the books. Start charging ss27 rent.
Start making things REALLY uncomfortable. STOP cooking, cleaning, doing ANYTHING for SS. TODAY.
OP, you need to start putting
OP, you need to start putting together an exit strategy. Taking action to put your ducks in a row will give you a much-needed sense of control over your life.
And stop doing anything that directly or indirectly benefits your H's adult sons. Only contribute only 1/4 to the bills, don't buy groceries, cook, clean, or do laundry for them. Step back so that your H can be responsible for the inconvenience of them.
To be fair, your H was clear about wanting his baybee boyz to live with him. You gave it a try and now know it's not acceptable to you. Those three men are happy in their dysfunction while you're the odd one out, limiting your options. Personally, I'd leave, because any change that does occur will be blamed on you. Your H and his sons will resent you and scapegoat you for wanting to end their "good thing".
Yes, that's why I do take
Yes, that's why I do take some accountability, because when I saw that he wasn't going to bend, I should of just postponed or left the relationship altogether. After I expressed how I have been feeling and felt after the Christmas Holiday, DH seemed to have some compassion for me, and even expressed he was not pleased at how his boys act towards me. I told him I was getting my own place or he needs to find them a place to go. He said soon as our lease is up, or Mom has a place, whichever comes first, we will be living alone for good. And he said that if I do leave, he STILL doesn't want them living with him. Don't know if it's a stall tactic or the truth, I will stay in the group long enough we will all find out come August.
I wouldn't just sit back and
I wouldn't just sit back and wait for August to come. I would have my Plan B ready to execute, and it would involve me living separate from the SSs, with or without their father.
Absolutely!!
Absolutely!!
I don’t understand any if this
As a parent,, Don't you want your kids to live a normal life. To live the " American Dream: [insert]. Working, living with a love one ..owning a home, [american] white picket fence. Dog, cat. NoT having your kids living with you playing video games all day I would feel that I failed as a parent
I dont understand it either
I do....I had to push my own child to graduate high school. She was angry with me, and didn't want to do the extra work to complete her GYM credit of all things. After she graduated, she told me "thank you for pushing me Mom, I gave up." I want that American Dream for my SS's too....but Dad unfortunately does not want to push him, afraid of being accused of "showing off" in front of me. My anxiety goes crazy thinking about him living in our basement as an old man....yuck!
Adult* SSs
I personally find it weird that he insisted they lived with the both of you when 1 SS was an adult and the other was a year away from "adulthood". I suppose sucking it up for 1 year before the other went to college or got a job and lived on his own wouldn't be the worst compromise, but if they're still living with you guys that's really bizarre to me. It's one thing to help someone in need and another to let literal adult kids mooch off of you. It's time for those birds to fly out of the nest... like yesterday.
Honestly I would be upset too if he suddenly wanted his kids to live with him if they didn't before, especially if you expressed you didn't want that to change.
At this point I'd give the ultimatum, live with your grown adult kids, or live with your wife.
Your husband is a prize wimp.
Your husband is a prize wimp. He knows how unhappy you are with this situation but is doing damn all to fix it. He seems to believe that if he says "there, there dear" or "yes dear" everything in the garden will suddenly be rosy. He's trying to pacify you while doing bugger all
Next time he tries to tell you that all will be well in August, tell him that will be too late to save your marriage, that you are losing faith in him by the day, that you are losing trust in him, that it's increasingly difficult to have any respect for a guy who puts his adult kids before his wife and that he needs to get them out of your home before you reach the point of no return. Remind him that these are adults, not helpless babes and that the responsibility of keeping his wife happy is entirely on him.
Marriage is between two
Marriage is between two adults. No child, even one they have together, is a party to that marriage. Kids are beneficiaries of the marriage and minor children are the top marital responsibility. They are never the priority, they are never a party to the marriage, they are never more important than the marriage and the partners to each other, and when they are no longer minors, they are not even a responsibility.
I am sorry that you are where you are in all of this. But, he has told you that you do not matter. Believe him. Take half, or more, and get on with your life and he can wallow in his shit puddle of a gene pool with his failure to launch kidult children.
His failure to deliver on his vows does not require that you tolerate it. He has voided your vows by his failures as a man, as a father, as a mate, and as your partner. That you have no sexual interest in him, is telling.
Get on with your new life adventure and living your best life.
Be good to you.