Update - as it turns out, SD was already here when she texted yesterday morning, meaning she had been in town since the night before. Her previous home was 8 hours away. No explanation for why she needs to crash here for an entire month before moving another hour away, when both her mother and SD27 live in her previous town. Likely some kind of falling-out. The cat is completely traumatized and the friend refused to keep him because of his behavior, so SO has him along with SD while the friend has SD's other cat.

SO told me the "plan" and it's full of holes. SO's parents have a business here in town. They are going to give it to SD free if she learns it. So SD plans to move an hour away, work in a clothing store, apprentice at a similar business on her off time, then move here and take over the family business. Less than a mile from my house. She has never held a job or lived in a single residence more than a few months.

SO can't answer why SD doesn't just apprentice with his parents. He first said that it's because his mom doesn't have an extra piece of equipment for SD to learn on. This can't be true. SO's brother's wife was apprenticing last year but chose not to finish. Also, the cost of this particular piece of equipment is a few thousand dollars. The cost of living in that other city is at least that. Per month. So even if SO's mom got rid of one or sold it, buying another one would cost much less than moving away for a year. This whole story is bullshite.

Also, SO told me the name of the business in the city an hour away where SD will be learning. I have searched and searched and cannot find a business by that name. This type of business would need to advertise. So. Much. Bullshite. 

We went out to dinner tonight. I didn't mention anything about SD. Just trying to keep the peace. On the way home, SO brought up that the Asian new year is coming up again. He said we had to go visit his aunt and uncle and bring them gifts. I said ok. Then he got upset and said "If you can't handle it, i can go alone."

He then proceeded to bring up an incident that happened 2-3 years ago. I even blogged about it on this site. We went to his uncle's house and had dinner. He and his aunt and uncle got into a conversation in their language. SO's cousin sat there and talked to me for about 30 minutes but then went up to bed (40s, still lives with parents.) After another 20 minutes or so, SO/aunt/uncle keep talking. I sat there in silence and kept looking at SO, but he didn't pay any attention to me. I got up and went into the living room where SO's kids were playing video games. After another hour, it was getting late and it was a school and work night so i got up and tried to get SO's attention. I waved at him from across the room and sort of made a face. I told him it was getting late. We then went home and on the way i told him i was upset. Upset that i had no idea what was going on and i felt really confused and out of  place. SO said he was telling them about his issues with BM and his brother and i should have just sat there silently out of respect. I told him he could have at least told me what was going on.

Tonight on the way home, SO got upset to the point of screaming at me about it. Said i disrespected him and should have sat there in silence out of respect. He said "people talked about it." I asked who talked about it and what they said, but he wouldn't tell me. We have visited them on New Year's several times since and i thought it went fine. Also, i may not understand much of the language but by aunt and uncle's facial expressions, they looked relieved to get out of the conversation that night. I have no idea where this sudden extreme anger is coming from.

Obviously things aren't working. SO spends pretty much all the time he isn't at work at the pool hall. We have no common interests and obviously i don't fit in with his family. Idk how many signs i need. 

You guys are right. So many aspects of this relationship are unacceptable. Most of them, really. And the truth is, i don't accept them. Not totally. Marriage and cohabitation are off the table for now. I don't even sleep at his house anymore, ever. Right now, i have a high school senior at home and that takes a lot of my attention. But, in less than a year there's a good chance my youngest will live away at school and i'll be an empty-nester. A comparatively young one, too. I keep hoping things are getting better with SO, and prior to this holiday, it seemed they were. But they aren't, and i need to figure out the rest of my life after decades of parenting being a large focus. I'm not going to want to sit home alone for hours when i'm off work while SO is at the pool hall, with his extended family who i just don't gel with, or dealing with the dysfunctions of his kids. I have lost all willingness i previously had to jump in and help him with his kids and extended family. So many times i thought i was helping but realized i wasn't told the truth of the situation. That doesn't leave much of a future for a "life partnership." It's a half-assed existence. 

Update: SO and i have hardly seen each other in the month since SD moved back and i found out after she had already arrived from out of state. Yesterday, i was about to go visit my dad (lives maybe 30 min drive away) and SO called. He was at work but SD27 called him from out of state. Said SD24 was at SO's house threatening to kill herself and SO "needs to have her committed, NOW!!" SO asked me if i could go to his house and see what was happening. Figuring it was BS, I told him i would stop over on my way to my dad's.

When i arrived, SD24 and SS19 were in the kitchen. SD27 had called SS19 and he left his job and was serving SD24 lunch. She was talking and laughing but you could see she had been crying. She wouldn't say what was bothering her. I told her "Your dad has been trying to reach you, please call him." Later that night, SO got home and then called me and i said "So, what happened today?" SO said that SD24 and SS19 were "Yucking it up and laughing" in the kitchen when he got home and he didn't want to ask. So no explanation of what happened, why SS19 had to leave work, etc. Everybody is just acting like nothing happened. SD24 never called SO after i left. Those "girls" are either batsh!t crazy or have been conditioned that the only way to get any attention is to act this way. SO is just reacting like always and trying to get others (SS and me) to do his heavy lifting. Poor SS19. I'm glad i didn't "take the bait" and drop everything to give SD all my attention, like i would have done in the past. 

Came back to add, i'm not totally unfeeling. But SO's family had so many "emergencies" that turned out to be nothing in the past, that it's sort of a crying wolf situation. A lot of the suicide threats in SO's family center around getting caught at something or trying to avoid blame. I am wondering of SD lost her job or something like that. I was prepared to call 911 if i thought SD had been in any danger. The fact that she never even called SO (at least that's what he told me) is telling. He tried to reach her for hours yesterday. Not. My. Circus. I don't see how they all just act like nothing happened, though.