My Christmas plans
Between the two of us we have 6 kids. Been together over 15 yrs. This Christmas just the 2 of us, mostly. Am I disappointed? A bit. Most live across the country. My daughter actually lives with us and will spend Xmas eve with us but going to bf home for large gathering Xmas day. Will have brunch with her though. But in some ways I no longer will have to spend hours cooking and baking for days before.
We also recently returned from long vacation overseas. Of course he texted and sent pics to our kids. Most responded. Lol. He again asked his daughter to come for Xmas, she only lives a few hours from us. She has never spent a holiday with us ever. She texted back she would see him "soon" but just wanted to be home. I'd bet my house she goes to her in laws. DH said he was hurt. I think she has an emotional need for him but there is no reciprocal care for his feelings. He has been asking for months now. I even told her last year how much it would mean to him.
I told him that I am done making big efforts with her when she does show up a few times year. Only to go to beach house.
I am feeling ok going into this holiday week. Life is always changing.
Yes To Life Always Changing
I'm in the same boat as you. I've always had big Christmas Eve celebrations at my home. Continued when DH and I got married. Over the years, my crowd dwindled to just immediate family. I wonder why? <eye roll> My beautiful Christmas became Money Grab Day, with DHs kids showing up empty-handed; no gifts, not even a side dish to add to the meal. And help any? Absolutely not...they came to be catered to.
DHs kids collectively did enough damage that I ended my Christmas celebrations and it was just me and DH for the last several years. With my kids all coming for the holiday, I am hosting Eve again for the first time in about 5 years. I'm at 8 guests, much smaller than the past but all guests are good people that get along and are not here for the Money Grab.
For what it's worth, those few years of "just me and DH" were really nice. We still did a small Christmas meal, used the Christmas china, candles, etc. While I'm excited about having a BIG Christmas Eve, a part of me will miss the intimate and romantic Christmas Eve DH and I had for a while. Enjoy your holiday.
Those sounds like special
Those sounds like special times, but I'm wondering if you weren't holding back just a little joy because you worried he was inwardly pining for the demons.
Time for you to spark back
Time for you to spark back up your Christmas Eve, etc.... festivities full tilt. Purposely excluding your toxic Skidults. Let DH know that YOU are going to celebrate with him and others who are worthy and that will never again including his toxic failed family spawn.
I do not comprehend why anyone would sacrifice their own joy for shit people. Even when that shit is a mate's failed family progeny. The duty of a mate far exceeds the duty a parent has to their children. Particularly when those children are not worthy of any loyalty or duty. Even from a parent.
Of course there is an age element, but..... even that requires, our should require, that the kid earn the care and engagement of a parent and that parent's new mate and fresh family dynamics with respectful behavior.
It was to be 8
And I had even bought special sweets overseas for the day. It was to be my son and his SO and her parents. Unfortunately he cancelled but it seems he and SO likely are breaking up. Ugh. So yes, not the holiday weekend I envisioned but I will make a nice fancy dinner for the two of us. Watch movies and drink champagne all day. And eat all the sweets I dragged all overseas. Lol.
We recently returned from
We recently returned from overseas too. Sent his kids and mine some French chocolates. Heartfelt thanks from mine. Radio silence from his. I spend way too much mental energy trying to understand their craptastic, hurtful behavior.
Just DH and me and the furries for Christmas, but then on to Skidville to see one of his and one of mine. SD still not speaking to DH.
Hey @Merry stop spending
Hey @Merry stop spending money on skidville if they don't respond and aren't nice. I have almost a zero policy with gifting unless DH comes up with a plan and puts the energy in- I no longer put my hard earned money that way. It's freeing and you become less resentful. Go take that money on chocolates and buy the BETTER champagne !
We've cut WAY BACK on
We've cut WAY BACK on spending for them in general, especially Christmas gifts. And I never scrimp on champagne!
We were so excited about the trip we took. Bucket list, celebration of several things for us. Foolishly we wanted to share some of that. NOT ONE WORD from them about the trip or the precursor celebratory occasions.
Sure do wish I could get those chocolates back though.
Awesome sauce- glad to hear
Awesome sauce- glad to hear you are living your life to the fullest. Yeah...typical SKID reaction not the least grateful for your nice gesture and certainly could give a rat's arse about your life, trip, etc -mine ask me absolutely nothing, they are not very curious people. They literally do not think about other people's lives - just focused on themselves and things that might impact their lives.
My husband has found the
My husband has found the solution to this little problem. Whenever he wants his daughter to visit him he buys a fishing pole and proceeds to attached about $800 worth of gifts, tickets, and meals to 1k+ miles of fishing line. Then he casts his money bait over Florida and slowly reels her up here.
DH is too cheap
And I would have a conniption if he did that honestly. No his daughter acts like a mother hen over him, calling and texting but only shows up for the beach house twice a year or big sporting events. DH comment is that she always tells him to say hello to me. He doesn't get it.
I am so glad we took a big trip and am planning another for the spring.
Yeah, what's up with that?
That "Tell her I said hello." b.s.
I get that here, too, on the RARE occasion that my SO and SD actually speak on the phone. What makes me silently laugh (sardonically) is that when he's done with a conversation with her, he is all puffed up like he just finished running a marathon and should get a medal for endurance!
New, you just go on and keep planning those big trips. Enjoy your travel time with your DH and to hell with the budget. As I age, I realize every single day we are mobile is a good day and should be enjoyed to the fullest.
I see many people (including intact couples with children) who sit around mourning, hoping their adult kids and grandkids will fit them into their lives. Many are disappointed. Just had some neighbors who returned to our community after moving cross-country to be close to their adult kid/grandkid. They sold their house (just before current boom!) and rented a place in the other state. Now they've returned, they simply cannot afford to buy another beautiful house like they had - so they settled for a condo.
Bottom line: Every day is a gift. Live it to the fullest and don't wait for others to fulfill you.
LOL...cut the line DH!
LOL...cut the line DH ...there's an alligator on your line!
Toxic kids live toxic lives.
Toxic kids live toxic lives. Whether they are Skidults or kidult BKs. I would suggest that you cut off the toxic SD from beach house access. No Christmas visit with dad, no beach house for the next 12mos. See if she changes her tune about Christmas at dad's house. She wants the benefits, she has to invest in quality time with daddy on YOUR terms.
We jus thad our version of this at TG. We went to SpermLand to spend TG with my IL clan. This was the first TG day gathering for my MIL with her kids and their families at MILs home in a decade+ and the first TG we have had with my IL clan in I can't recall how long.
My DW's sibs all usually spend TG day with their ILs. My IL clan usaully gathers on Friday or Sat after TG day. Since this was our first visit for TG in quite a while and we had to leave to head home on Sat AM, MIL made it clear many months in advance , that all of her kids and their families would be at her home for TG. DW's sibs and their fams all live in her very small home town no more than about a mile from my MIL's house. We have rarely lived on the same continent and never closer than about 1200 miles until about two years ago. Even now, we live nearly 1000 miles from my DW's home town.
BIL1's DW lost her mind. She was all biotched out all day. Apparently her parents got their panties all in a wad over BIL1 and his family not being there. Instead of them putting their foot up the mother's ass, BIL1's bovine bride make a Herculean effort to ruin my MIL's clan TG. My bride was the one who took that crap hard. Everyone else very obviously ignored it. Unfortunately the whole clan suffers from either Ostrich Syndrome or The Emporer's New Clothes Virus. At best they bury their heads in the sand and at worst celebrate everyone and everything as amazing when the toxic morons are all riding around on large reptiles butt neked while everyone celebrates ther non existant regal robes.
SIL's DH's mother lost her mind over them not being at their home. Fortunately SIL's DH has some balls and he shut his batshit crazy mother down and told her tuff shit and to deal with it.
For the first time in a very long time MIL caught a clue and after everyone had left, MIL approached DW and asked what was wrong. DW was very reserved, distant, and stayed to the periphery all day. SInce MIL asked, DW told her. MIL said a few things that indicates she was aware of the bovine bride's pouty snarky bullshit all day but would not fully engage in the discussion.
So, we are back to the woe is me stand off where BIL1's bovne bride is trolling for sympathy on FB with veiled references to 'trust yourself and don't let the bad people get to you' crap that brings the small town toothless morons swarming with support and empathetic outrage.
My DW, does not play those games but knows full well what the bovine bride is doing.
I look forward to another decade of so of IL clan free holidays.
If DH cut off the beach house
He would never see her. I still Don't get her. She calls and texts at least every other day. She literally knows everyone's business here. Mine, my adult kids etc etc. yet never participated. I've come to the conclusion she needs the emotional connection. It's for her. And likely I'm not her favorite person because I stepped in when she and her father were in the throughs of enmeshment. It was obvious. Fast forward 15 yrs later and here we are. But DH finally sees her resistance to engaging in this family. But I'm happy no cooking this holiday. I warned DH I might just stay in my nightgown all day camped out on the sofa watching Netflix. Sounds wonderful right?
Good riddance.
Good riddance.
Even when the toxic are our children. If they choose to be toxic adults, they should be forced to live the consequences of that.
No beach house access. She visits daddy on a daddy stipulated schedule without fail, for a year, and she gets one beach house visit the next year if she does not miss any of the scheduled daddy visits prior to that scheduled beach house visit.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
IMHO.
I used to feel bad for my DH's sake
but he never reaches out to OSS and the OSS never reaches out to him. If I'm being honest, I'm glad I don't have to be around the A**hole OSS but once or twice a year. At this point, it's more my DH that frustrates me than the OSS does. When the OSS does grace his father with his presence, my DH acts like they've got this incredibly tight father/son bond....and believe me, they don't. It's very pathetic actually.
Emperor's New Clothes virus
Emperor's New Clothes virus must infect most toxic families. It seems to be a pattern. They can act like everything is great no matter what's going on. Creeps me the hell out.
Oh, yes, the "small town
Oh, yes, the "small town toothless morons", I relate. LOL, you do so have a way with words.
Oh yes, tothless morons are
Oh yes, tothless morons are at high concentration in toxic gene pools.
No doubt about it.
Are they spat out on an
Are they spat out on an assembly line?! Reading through this and the responses, I see the same/similar story(ies). My little darlings used to send only DH holiday gifts--not anything that he could share with me, like men's slippers. ha! They wanted to get their message across (gotta love people who use holidays to say FU). He was embarrassed and ashamed and finally told them that if they couldn't include me or get "us" combined gifts, not to get him anything. They for the most part took him up on that, although the precious princess sometimes made "his favorite" (her description) cookies--clearly meant for him but glossed over so that it could look like they were for us (except for the messages attached). Gifts for years have been mailed. . . from DH to them (checks). Once I stopped buying them gifts, the good stuff stopped coming to them. We don't see them for holidays. I haven't been involved in holiday exchanges or greetings with them for years. I've got better and nicer people to spend time and money on. The holidays are much better than they used to be with all the stress and bad feelings and jabs and passive aggressive BS.
Merry Christmas!
I spoke too soon
I overheard conversation between DH and his telephone daughter. I say that because they appear enmeshed by phone and text yet rarely see each other. She has not been to our home in over 2 yrs. Hmmmm. Could be because of me? Yet I only treat them like princesses when they show up.
Anyway I thought after the outright refusal to spend a holiday with him that would set his head on a bit straighter.
His daughter alluded to she will be about 3 hrs away from us in Jan one night due to business. We can meet her there. How nice right? Of course DH salivated at the idea to her so happy at the bone tossed.
He did not mention it to me. He knows my reaction. I already told him I will not be trotting off to celebrate her anything. So drive 3 hrs to take princess out to dinner and 3 hrs back? No thanks. That will be my line in the sand.
yeah I am of a similiar
yeah I am of a similiar attitude - if I am in the area and it makes sense (also I expect to be treated like a human being.) I will go to the very big important things that are expected so that no one can cry that I am bad person - life events but...everything else, probably not. I make no big efforts, if they come over I do not supply any extra stuff- maybe a bowl of popcorn? I leave it all to DH - no more extras ever. I am hoping 1-2 times a year is all I have to do but also if they make it even more toxic and bad I am happy to say never and let DH go it alone. These people do not care about us stepparents and the more we get it through to ourselves that they objectify us and treat us less than human, the more likely we can move our energy, resources and life in another direction.
Yea, I wouldn't participate in that either
On a different note, please stop treating her (them) like a princess. She does NOT deserve it.
If a Skidult is toxic, I
If a Skidult is toxic, I think I would counter any catering to that toxicity by my mate with constant conflicting activities, couple commitments, trips, hobbies, concerts, etc, etc, etc...
"Oops, sorry. You obviously forgot that WE have XYZ and LMNOP then. Next time you want to make plans with toxic spawn, check with me first to be sure you remember what we have scheduled."
And there will always be something scheduled.