You are here

Big Changes & New Frustrations

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 6:26pm

Been a while since I have posted.

My DH and I (together 3.5 years, newly married July 2023) recently found out we are pregnant! Yay!

Planned, and started trying ASAP after we got married in July, and just found out we are pregnant last month, August. (Happened faster than we thought it would but we are so happy!)

This is my first child. He has a 12 Y/O daughter, my SD, that I will call "Holly." I've had my fair share of difficultiuies relating to her and feeling resentment towards her, etc. (See past blogs)

We tell his parents and I'm feeling so frustrated by the comments they made. Don't get me wrong, they are so happy and excited but they just have absolutely no social antenna and say whatever stupid thought comes to their mind without considering how it may make me feel.

This is my mom's first grandchild. My mom is extremely ill with Stage 4 Cancer and I wanted to try to have her live to see her first grandchild hence why we chose this timing.

My mother-in-law says "This is your mom's first grandchild isnt it?" I said "Yes! She's so excited and cried when I told her!"

And my father-in-law says "Well no....she has Holly, she's her first grandchild."

His comment made me absolutley livid and I wanted to scream. She is NOT my mom's "first grandchild." Never will be, never has been, and is barely even her grand-daughter, even now that we are married. She is my HUSBAND'S daughter and no blood relation whatsoever. My mom has known her less than 4 years.

Then....my mother-in-law says "if the baby is a girl, you should name her middle name the same as Holly's!"

Her middle name is literally after Holly's MOTHER, my husband's EX WIFE.  Why the FUCK would I ever for one second want to name MY DAUGHTER'S MIDDLE NAME AFTER MY HUSBAND'S EX WIFE'S MIDDLE NAME!?!? WTF! WHO SAYS THIS!?

It completely ruined the announcement for me with them and made me just wish they would go home.

I know it may be dramatic for me to get mad at these things but its just so frustrating and hurtful and feels like my first child and pregnancy is being downplayed by these ignorant comments and they just don't even see it. *SIGH*

Just here to vent & feel validated.

Thanks for reading.

 

 

Comments

Cover1W's picture

Submitted by Cover1W on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 6:40pm

I would never keep my mouth shut in front of those comments. I think you should feel free to nicely and firmly explain WTH they shouldn't say something.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 6:43pm

I feel like I'm always trying to keep the peace and not stress my husband out when I don't get along with his parents. He feels bad about these comments and when they leave we definitly sh*t talk this but I think he has been so used to his parents being this way that it doesnt even surprise or phase him anymore. He buffers the absolute best he can but I swear one of these days I'm going to explode.

thinkthrice's picture

Submitted by thinkthrice on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 6:58pm

His parents and not be a spineless wimp like so many of these divorced men are. 

"No father, Holly is NOT Rose Pedal's Mom's first grandchild... she is a STEP child."

"No mother, we will not be naming our child after my ex wife, ever...are you insane?"

 

Catmom024's picture

Submitted by Catmom024 on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 8:11pm

Lawdy, they're idiots.  When I'm dealing with idiots I rarely waste my time and energy correcting them or explaining things...because I just figure look who I'm dealing with.  You're going to have to pick your battles with these morons. 

BM's middle name.   Lol. Simply say "that won't be happening. "

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Fri, 10/13/2023 - 8:34pm

I think this is exactly why I just don't even bother. They are so absolutely clueless and ridiculous it won't make a lick of difference except cause tension so I just sit there waiting for them to leave so I can let loose and rant to my husband. He feels the same way and says "I've dealt with shit like that my whole life. It never gets better no matter what."

I just feel like I totally lost with my in-laws. They just honestly SUCK.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 12:36pm

I have had talks with him before. He has talked to them on several occasions. He typically waits until after the fact which is where he and I differ. He always wants to let things cool down and talk to them in private but this never seems to work. I also think he zones out their ridiculous comments way more than I do because he says this has been his entire life with them. *Eyeroll*

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 2:38pm

delayed coddling and tender discussion.

"Mom/Dad, you are wrong,  you will not speak of my wife or me that way. Stop it now and do not do it again." Will work far more effectively.

Fortunately, my parents are not like this. Ever. 

My IL's are not overtly toxic, but they could be manipulative. Not so much of that after my FIL passed. Though my BIL1 and SIL got a large dose of FIL's genes. DW is a mutant in that family and BIL2 is just a good hearted guy who cares for and about everyone.

In the extended IL clan family, MIL's nieces and nephews are the progeny of DW's aunt who was all about the facade. The false front of a quality family was hollow. Her DH had a second family on the other end of his rail road run for nearly 2 decades while they let their 3 kids think they were still a family.

Nea

grannyd's picture

Submitted by grannyd on Sat, 10/14/2023 - 12:42am

Aw, Hon,

I'm so very sorry to hear the awful update about your mom, particularly since you lost your dad less than 2 years ago! However, your pregnancy is great news; perhaps you should consider naming the child (in the event that it’s a girl) after your dear mother? 

I suspect that your MIL is a passive/aggressive type, too cowardly to insult you directly but devious enough to appear ingenuous in her rudeness. No logical person would suggest naming a child after the ex-wife of one’s husband. The very idea is ridiculous and there’s not a doubt in my mind that the old harpy is fully aware of that fact.

I’ll bet that you’re failing to adequately worship at little Holly’s altar and ‘ol granny fears that a Rose_Petal infant may subtract from the attention/adulation due to her favourite. Your best course of action, Hon, is to keep your distance from the in-laws since they do not appear to be members of your fan club. How was their relationship with BM?

 

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 12:48pm

I always get so happy when you comment on my blogs. I love your insight and wittiness! 
 

I swear sometimes I give my MIL the benefit of the doubt and think she is just one of the dumbest and most self-unaware people I have ever known but then sometimes I think it is exactly what you said.

I truly believe she is just dumb and has no social antenna whatsoever. I think she ACTUALLY thought I would want to name a baby girl "matching names" with Holly because she has her head so far up Holly's ass. 
It may kill her to see the new baby getting the attention rather than Holly though- and as horrible as it may be to admit that will be very satisfying to me because for once Holly and MIL will be forced to realize the world DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND HOLLY. 

Relationship with BM was....odd? BM was so young when she had Holly and MIL stepped in a LOT. She says I'm a much better partner and person than BM was, so that's good I guess but she will still do weird things like get BM Christmas gifts and make a big huge announcement to me that she's doing it and repeat it over and over and sometimes I think she's looking for a reaction out of me? My MIL is just so confusing sometimes. Some days she is sweet as pie and some days she is miserable as all get out!

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 2:44pm

be a naive choice.

If they violate that benefit, the botd is a one and done and they should NEVER get it again. Ever.

I really do not care about the why of someone's may choice to be toxic. That they are toxic is the issue. 

IMHO of course.

Winterglow's picture

Submitted by Winterglow on Sat, 10/14/2023 - 4:57am

Oh boy, I would have corrected this in a BIG way even if it meant stepping on a few toes ... more for my personal satisfaction than for hoping anything will change. I think I might even have laughed at your FILS comment about first grandchild before straightening him out. As for the middle name stuff, "Why on earth do you think either of us wouild want to name OUR daughter after HIS ex-wife? Seriously?"  while looking her straight in the eye.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 12:52pm

I'm always walking a fine line between "keeping the peace/picking my battles" and absolutely going off. 
I have yet to lose it on them and DH HAS had talks with them in the past but I don't think he is "mean" enough. He is a people pleaser which is a blessing and a curse because he is the most respectful loving husband but sometimes that means overlooking things like this that affect me and expecting me to have the same passiveness.

Sometimes we are able to laugh at their stupidity and ignorance but this one just wasn't funny for me. Maybe pregnancy hormones...Lol.

UGH. I take the good with the bad but I think he can improve.

AgedOut's picture

Submitted by AgedOut on Sat, 10/14/2023 - 6:07am

I like to give snarky right back when someone send it in my direction. But one thing I've found that works even better is to laugh. When they make a comment that is not just inappropriate but also rediculous, laugh. 

 

"you should give the baby the same middle name as xyz"

ahahahahahaha..... oh you weren't making a joke? I figured you must've been because I would never do that. 

 

 

renders them silent. 

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 12:53pm

I have regrets now. I think this is the approach I should have took! Lol!*lol*

Harry's picture

Submitted by Harry on Sat, 10/14/2023 - 8:55am

Let people think and feel the way they want. It doesn't change anything ..  This is your moms first GC. You know it,Your mother knows it.  That all what matters.  NIL is a blip in life.  Unless you are receiving gifts and money from MIL monthly,, she doesn't matter.  This will be  another excuse to not like her,, not invite her to party's.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 1:00pm

That's true. I keep telling myself whatever ignorant thought they have changes absolutely nothing.

They have had their head so far up SD's ass for 12 years now I don't think they are even capable of living in a world that doesn't revolve around her. 

Absolutely not, we don't depend on them in any way whatsoever so I try to keep as much distance as possible to be honest.

Going off that thought of dependency, I think a part of them has resented my and my husband's success and self sufficiency because they are not needed. They have 2 other loser kids in their late 30's and early 40's that can barely keep a roof over their own heads or pay their own electric bills and are constantly being evicted/foreclosure notices, can't even mow their own grass, etc.

They'll make comments that "I work too much" and "I'm not home making memories with the family." Meanwhile they are bailing their pathological lying daughter out of yet another eviction.

They are just so frustarting in general.

Rose_Pedal's picture

Submitted by Rose_Pedal on Sun, 10/15/2023 - 1:01pm

Honestly two of the dumbest, ignorant and obnoxiously stupid people I know. I swear they live in a bubble of denial.