My in-laws are Team BM

DH and I have been married two years now. BM has full custody, and DH and I have fallen into a rhythm with his 15-year-old kid that works for us. In the beginning I did a lot to help DH AND BM, but it was thankless, and suddenly I found myself babysitting when I didn't want to and paying for things that I didn't want to pay for - many times out of sheer expectation rather than a request - so I stopped. SS is almost 15.5, so we only have to do this 2.5-ish more years. I have heard from BM only a few times in the six years that DH and I have been together. She never acknowledges my existence, except on the rare occasion that she tries to get me to watch her son so she can go out of town on wellness retreats and such, and she'll always do this by way of my husband. My husband works nights, so he can't take him, so when she goes to him to ask if he can watch him (knowing he can't), she'll say, "Can't your wife watch him?" That's pretty much my relationship with BM - demands made via my husband. (P.S. I have learned to say no every time, so I don't know why she keeps asking/expecting.)

My husband's father passed away recently, and he left him a small inheritance - it was enough for DH to do some renovations in our house, and the rest he has smartly put aside for retirement. BM continually harasses DH in a passive-aggressive way for more money. She still has a really great relationship with DH's family, and they talk, so she knows he got an inheritance, and I think she thinks we're rolling in it now. Not only does she think we're now rich, she consequently thinks that DH is stingy, and she'll consistently shame him via requests for things SS doesn't need for not giving more to their son, despite him already giving more in CS than he can afford. She'll also send him harassing texts and emails saying things like, "You'd better have a living will that keeps [SS] in mind," as if she is still privy to his affairs.

On top of all this, BM still keeps in contact with DH's family - all of them: my now in-laws, his extended aunts and uncles and cousins, etc. They all adore her. I guess this would be tolerable if they also liked me, but I am persona non grata to them, especially DH's immediate family: my mother-in-law, brothers-in-law, and sister-in-law. They HATE me. They treat me like I broke up DH's marriage to BM, which couldn't be further from the truth; I didn't even enter the picture until a good year after their divorce. I don't have any kids, so they see me as "less than" because I'm not a mother. They hate me because my husband and I eloped and didn't tell anyone our plans (my mom had just died, we were trying to save money, and we wanted to keep things on the DL). I don't subscribe to their religion, so they see me as a pariah because I'm not "saved." I've learned to tune all this out for the most part because I truly don't care about any of these people, but it really bothers my husband. He's spoken to his family about how their continued relationship with his ex - especially on social media, where they show support for BM but haven't bothered to friend me and never like any of DH's posts about me, our anniversary, my birthday, etc. - hurts him, but they've basically told him they love BM, and they're not going to change. I think BM is also very manipulative and, despite how I've cared for her son over the last six years, talks trash about me and my husband to her former in-laws in a quest for some kind of vengeance. I've told my husband I don't care if his people don't like me - I've made peace with it. Sure, the rejection hurts a little, but these aren't the kinds of people I want to know, and them hating me saves me a lot of money in Christmas and birthday presents every year. But it really hurts him. They are 100% Team BM - they even took her side in the divorce - and there's nothing he can do about it. Not sure if there's a solution here - just venting.

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No offence but Dd = dear

No offence but Dd = dear daughter. I think you meant DH for your husband.

Thanks

Thanks. I was thinking "divorced dad." I edited.

Disengagement is your friend

And it sounds like youve done a great job disengaging from the inlaw pro-BM clan. Thats VERY healthy for you, but unfortunately your husband (DH) hasnt been able to disengage from them. What they are doing is VERY toxic. Has he considered therapy? Hopefully he is not jumping through hoops doing the "pick me" dance with them.

Drawing softlines hasnt been working with them (they ADORE Bm - so what happened that broke up the family - was that revealed?)

Its very telling that they sided with BM (sometimes this happens because they dont want to lose touch with the children...) that is not the norm, I dont think. Husbands family detests BM Toxic Troll for the most part, and not many really know what happened to break them up...so I have it pretty easy.

So - your DH can try taking the hardline and telling them that they need to "break it off" with BM...and choose him, or go to therapy to help him handle the softline of just accepting their BM-loving selves. Frankly that would make me mad.

DH needs to shut that biosh down when she pesters and shames him. He is paying for his kid.

BUT shes right - get the wills and all that stuff dialed in - so that you are not left out in the cold, but make these things super private- including family, because as youve seen the inlaws are squealers.

Thank you for the advice!

Thank you for your thoughtful reply!

I suppose only DH and BM are the only two who will ever know all of the details (and to be fair, I only know my husband's side and not hers), but basically BM married my now husband, who is a creative guy, because he is creative. She found that attractive. I suspect though that she eventually became jealous of his creative career - while slogging through her boring one - and decided to have a kid to enrich her life. DH did not want one; he told her it would be hard for him with his career to be the best dad, but she insisted. After having the kid, she started to resent him and his career more and more because he works nights and couldn't always be present . . . just like he told her. But it sounds like she had the baby in the hopes that it would "change him" and she'd get a different kind of husband. When that didn't happen, things started to downward spiral.

I think she painted a picture to his family that she was the selfless parent while DH was a louse. In their culture, women who give birth are sacred, so she was the martyr, and he was useless. His family is all about kids, so when he, while loving his child and doing as much as he could for him, showed no signs of giving up his career, they switched their allegiance.

I think you're right: that a lot of the in-laws' connection with BM is because they want to keep in touch with the kid (BM has full custody), but we have him one night a week - they could easily call us that night to chat with him. Hell, they can call him directly - he's 15 and has his own phone - but they won't becuase they looooooove BM. When my husband and I eloped, for instance, we found out BM called his family and complained that we were terrible people for not inviting SS - that's a huge point of contention with them. That and the fact that I'm well-educated and not "born again" (BM isn't either, but I guess they got over it because she was at least somewhat aligned with their religious beliefs, whereas I'm not). But my in-laws are also really simple people and easily manipulated, and BM is cunning enough to win them over to her side and keep them there, so they definitely deserve each other. I don't care, but my husband does, and his asking them to sever ties has been met with lectures and stubbornness and resounding NO's.

I think therapy would be great for my husband, I just don't know if he's amenable...

Unfortunately, there just isn

Unfortunately, there just isn't much you can do except for ensure that your DH respects your wishes to minimize time spent with his family. The fantasy that they will meet you.. and accept you? Too many cards against that.. and I'm not a fan of beating my head against a wall.

My inlaws still have a relationship with both of their son's exwives.. as MIL says.. "they are the mother of my grandchildren.. I love them anyway".. gag barfola.

My MIL doesn't really think a whole lot of me.. (or her own son.. haha).. she thinks we think we are better than her.. because we happen to be more worldly and smarter (her words.. I have tried to tell her she isn't stupid.. just hasn't had the exposure that I have had to other things).

So.. I minimize the time I have to spend with her.. our values realy don't align.. she is someone that does confer a lot of value on someone who loves, and has children.. I don't.. so I don't measure up for her.. (of course her son's 2nd wife.. died of alcoholism... was a terrible person who threw out my MIL's keepsakes of her own mother.. . but loved kids.. so all was forgiven for her....

Thank you!!

Ah, we have the same issue in some respects! Thank you for your kind words - they really help.

My MIL definitely doesn't think of me or her own stepson (his real mom passed when he was quite young) highly by any stretch. She resents me for having a graduate degree and being worldly, and she resents her stepson for performing "too worldly" music (um ... JAZZ), so I, as an artist and businesswoman, don't stand a chance versus BM who is a mother and works in elementary schools. So I also have pretty much detached fully. We are still connected on Facebook, but I removed her as a follower on my Instagram because she started combating me, and I don't have time for that nonsense. I wish it didn't bother my husband so much, but family isn't always what we want it to be. :/

You can't pick your family..

You can't pick your family.. lol. and I'm sure that while he loves his mom.. also understands that she has ideas he doesn't really align with.

We live next door to my inlaws.. I don't see them much though.. my DH talks to his dad on the phone every day.. and I will be pleasant when I'm around them.. but it's usually my DH and his mom disagreeing on things that they pick at each other.. and it kind of makes it something I avoid...lol.

my MIL is not on social media thankfully!

True story!

Yes, you can't pick your family - that's true!!! Best to detach. I am grateful for the advice on here for him to get some therapy. I know it hurts him, but he doesn't want to cut them off, and they're not going to change. Glad they're not my family!

DH's family is similar. MIL

DH's family is similar. MIL is always commenting on how DH is not spending enough on SSs (um, he pays more CS than required because he offered more to get concessions and also because BM reported about half of what she makes as her "income"). She has told DH that he needs to make BIL the executor of his will to "ensure SSs get what is rightfully theirs." What that is, I don't know, since DH only had debt when I met him.

They also believe BM's sob story, including working with her to help her prepare for a mediation when she wanted to reduce DH's already limited time...but really, it was all a ruse to get more CS.

I have one SIL (wife of DH's brother) who has spoken to me once in 8 years, but will still chat it up with BM. This SIL also fawns all over SSs, but ignores both of my children (a 2.5 year old and an infant).

All this means that I avoid them. I see them as little as possible. When I see them, I'm cordial and will make small talk and that's it.

DH has heard all about it from me and I've told him that it hurts me deeply that our children are treated differently. I didn't break up his marriage (BM was already remarried - to exH #2 - when I met DH) and our children certainly didn't do anything.

DH and I plan to move across the country as soon as SSs graduate from high school and I don't plan to come back to visit any of his family. DH thinks his family will tell him he is "abandoning" his older children when we leave, but he rarely sees them now thanks to BM PA'ing them (and MIL and BIL enabling her), so really, should we stay in a place where we have no help and our children are ignored just in the off chance that SSs might want to see DH once a month or less? Nope, we need to do what's right for us and that means we need to be away from all of this toxicity.

Good for you!

I felt bad reading this because I can empathize - people who choose exes over their own are truly something else, but GOOD FOR YOU becuase there's nothing you can do, so you're moving on. Honestly, I think we're damned if we do or don't: I used to be really nice to BM in the beginning, really nice, too, to the in-laws, but got nothing in return, so I stopped bothering. Had I kept it up, they'd still backstab me and like BM more, so it really doesn't make a difference. She can have them. It's hurtful they don't acknowledge me or my husband and keep up a warm and fuzzy relationship with BM, but trash is trash. I will follow your example.

Same here

Chef's family completely sided with the Girhippo. His parents passed on long before his divorce but all of Chef's brothers and sisters except for 2 half brothers try to stay "neutral." I like it this way frankly. I've met the cast of characters and not to sound snooty but they are all mostly "trailer trash gossips" with a vocabulary and palate to match.

I save on gift buying since they never show up (except for once in a blue moon no knock "pop ins") I've been with Chef almost 20 yrs now and I can count on one hand how many times I've seen them. Chef's only blood brother is the worst and has literally been shunning Chef ever since the divorce. They all beer bonged the PAS koolaid like impressionable 7 yr olds.

Not the type of people I care to be around anyhow. I have TOTALLY expanded Chef's horizons so he too finds them to be total rubes. Both Chef 's family and the Girhippo's family come from towns with population from 3,000 to 5,000 max and they are all related to one another.

I loved reading this.

I loved reading this. My sentiments exactly! Same exact situation here: DH has two half-siblings who are trailer trash and one actual brother who is a drunk - and he's the best one! Stepmom and half-siblings just flat-out hate me and worship BM, and from your experience, it sounds about right: They will never like me anyway, so who cares? They will never visit us because I've told my husband we don't accept guests who aren't vaccinated (they think it's "the mark of the beast"), so hopefully I will never have to see them anyway. Glad to know I'm not alone!

I heard banjos playing in the

I heard banjos playing in the background as I read this. LOL

Not just the proverbial shallow and polluted gene pool.

An actual shallow and polluted gene pool.

You must be ripping your hair out regularly with that situation.

I get the small town inbred mindset. My IL clan wallows in it. On all three sides of DW's family. Yep, three sides. MIL's first DH was killed in an automobile accident a few days before my MIL found out she was pregnant with my DW. MIL married my FIL when my DW was 2mos old.

The whole thing is a multifaceted never ending shit show. Unsupported superiority complexes, the rotating shit-bird seat that someone is always in.

My DW, the only successful and quality person in generations on any of the three sides is regularly the black sheep. She tends to get the smirk and head shake like she is the idiot citified family member.

I .. do not tolerate it. So, they all behaved for the most part these days. They know I will bring the ass baring behioral bullshit they all sling to the forefront. I do not let them all play their Ostrich mode The Emporer's New Clothes bullshit. I shine the light of the facts on their crap.

I have long maintained that DW is either an alien implant or a full blown mutant. She and SS, are so far the outlyers that no one is totally comfortable when we visit my IL clan. Everyoen usually ends up enjoyind the family events but invariably there are a number of petty, manipulatibe, dance moves that occur before everyone gets over their crap and just enjoys being a family.

I... remain the outlaw to my inlaws.

My family is so non dramatic. I spend most of my part of being in my IL's clan observing and trying not to laugh constantly at their rediculous crap.

Our very good friend who just went through a divorce after a 30yr marriage is in this nighmare. She and her XH are from neighboring tiny towns in a very unpopulated Norther US state. He went batshit crazy on her, got evil, was in all liklihood shacking up with OCN women while on Expat assignment, and pretty much tried everything he could to drive our friend nuts with his crazy making efforts. He is friends with her XBIL who drove her sister nuts. A mutual friend of her XH and her XBILs advised her XBIL to make sure to drive his Wife crazy before he divorced her so he would get the kids and not have to pay her crap. XBIL had been married before and lost those kids in the divorce. So, 5kids and a divorce later. Our friends sister committed suicide.

Our friend is recovering from her divorce. But the small town shit storm has aligned against her. Her XILs are all trying to alienate her, her own parents are at best moderately in her camp.

I guess I am fortunate that my parents made their life away from their family's multigenarational small towns and did not remain to wallow in those shallow and polluted gene pools. Though according to my dad, it was a closely run thing a couple of times. Mom flirted with ending their Expat life and moving our family to her family's inbred small town.

Not just the proverbial shallow and polluted gene pool.

An actual shallow and polluted gene pool.

You must be ripping your hair out regularly with that situation.

The whole thing is a multifaceted never ending shit show. Unsupported superiority complexes, the rotating shit-bird seat that someone is always in.

I... remain the outlaw to my inlaws.

My family is so non dramatic. I spend most of my part of being in my IL's clan observing and trying not to laugh constantly at their rediculous crap.

Our friend is recovering from her divorce. But the small town shit storm has aligned against her. Her XILs are all trying to alienate her, her own parents are at best moderately in her camp.

I'm glad I dodged that bullet. Diving into that life when we visit my ILs upon occassion is far more than enough.

Wow, sounds like they don't

Wow, sounds like they don't like your husband much either. Why does he still talk to these people?

You are correct!

You are correct: They don't. He is a better man than I - I would have written them off long ago! My husband is "too worldly" (I LOVE this dig, by the way - "worldy" is a compliment in my world!) for them - he managed to leave the cult and think for himself, and ultimately I think they're jealous of his tenacity and probably mine, too. I'm proud of him for being the black sheep! Just wish they weren't so mean to him.

Like your DH, my DW is the one who escaped.

She left, finished University, finished grad school, holds a pinnacle professional certification, and has a great career. She is the black sheep.

She gets the smirk and head shake when she visits her small town. She is the citified stupid sister. Because she is the only who who does not smell like barnyard crap, is not in agriculture, and is not infatuated with living on the poverty line as a choice.

Not that they are mean to her. They aren't. They tried, but... I came along and that crap ended immediately. DW figured out how to stand up for herself. Compared to her, I am Teddy bear. She no longer allows them to be idiots.

A number of people in her small town have told my DW that her family is initimidated by her. She is not intimidating, she just has high expectations for herself, and everyone around her.

My farvorite quote from my IL's regarding my DW.... "Honey, we do not understand what you do and what you have accomplished. But we are proud of you."

Interestingly, my DW gets a lot of blame for the never ending failure cycle in my IL clan. They fail because she is greedy and selfish and won't bail them out. She just tells them that we work too hard for what we have to flush it down the toilet to follow the money they waste constantly.

Occassionally one or more of them will try to embarrass her/us by sharing how much they made after working several 100hr weeks in a row. For years we just told them it was great that they earned that and then made no further comment to their digs. Until.... I finally had enough. BIL1 once dropped three of his pay stubs on the table in front of me when we were visiting. "I make more than you!" I finally said, nope. "What you earned in 6wks, I earn in less than a week. Whether I actually work or not. You know. College, grad school, and a Sr salary position." He just gave me a blank stare and then wandered off. We were at his house. Everyone else was outside. He and I were inside. I would not have done that in front of others.

I still feel bad about it. But that IL has never tried that crap again. Others... have not yet been given quite that sharp of a lesson. They do not push it as hard as BIL1 used to.

Living well... is what we should all do. It is also ... the best revenge against the toxic people in our lives.

Jazz Musicians and Artists oh my!

No wonder...you-all stick out like sore thumbs!

We are in the middle of a Jazz festival this weekend, and musicians and artists are revered over in my neck o the woods.

Too bad, the family are missing out culturally.

YES!

<3 YaY for your neck of the woods! Oh yeah, these backwoods people wouldn't know culture if it slapped them in the face. I think it's fear. Oh well - their loss!

My MIL sounds similar. She

My MIL sounds similar. She loves BM; me, not so much. This mystifies me, because BM cheated on DH multiple times and then left him, and his mother KNOWS that. But she still likes and comments on every social media post BM makes, wishes her happy birthday, texts and calls her occasionally, tells her she loves her, etc. MIL can be passive aggressive about it, too. An example - BM is happily remarried (for almost as long as DH and I), and MIL was downright effusive in wishing BM and her husband a happy anniversary on FB this year. For DH and I, she posted "Happy Anniversary, oops, I forgot" a few days after our anniversary. Oh, and DH and I have been married longer than he and BM were, and I have produced a grandchild, so it's not that. MIL also doesn't need to fawn over BM to see the SDs, because she has access to them through us. I guess she just doesn't like me, for reasons unknown.

The big difference in our situations is that BM herself really has nothing to do with it. She doesn't involve herself in our lives. Her second husband is quite wealthy, so she doesn't ask DH for anything. She doesn't cause problems and while nice to MIL, she doesn't get overly involved with her because we all live multiple states away from her. That distance is my saving grace!

My DH just stays out of it. He knows MIL treats me as less than and he knows I don't particularly like her, although I'm the one who buys and sends the gifts and cards and does any thoughtful thing our family does for MIL. MIL also favors my SIL (DH's brother's wife), but I have no issue with that - SIL has been in the family over twice as long as I have and they have a history. She also prefers BIL to DH.

My approach is to not care (and I really don't, I just think it's odd). I only have to see her once a year, on average, so she doesn't have much impact on my life or that of my DD. DH talks to her by phone frequently, but I'm rarely involved in those conversations. Minimizing contact is the best approach, IMO. I hope you're able to do that even though it sounds like you don't have the wonderful buffer of distance that I do.

A little distance

Gosh, similar situations, to be sure! Fortunately, his family live a few states over (would be a day's long drive or a short flight, so not too nearby), though BM lives 25 min away, and that's not going to change for another 2.5 years - UGH. I used to be like you: I'd send gifts, cards, provide, do nice things for, etc. Once I realized it was thankless and reciprocation-less, I stopped. Maybe that's why they hate me: 'cos the niceties stopped? Like maybe I was "tolerable" so long as I was sending them things, but now that I don't anymore, I'm back to being a terrible, free-thinking, well-educated, childless woman. His family are also very passive-aggressive toward us. For example: They're constantly posting messages of support on BM's posts, but on our anniversary post the other day, his stepmom and half-brother gave likes - nothing from the half-sister or brother - that's it. People showered us with compliments and congratulations, but they did the bare minimum, which is sending a message. I'm okay with it. Let BM have them. You're right: Minimizing contact is the best approach! Thank you for your warm message and making me feel less alone out here!

Nothing against country living

I like the easy going lifestyle and hard work ethic. I also love jazz, foreign languages etc but to chain smoke generic cigs, drink cheap beer and know everyone since you've never moved out of your 5 mile radius just didn't speak to me.

YES!

Everything you said is spot-on!

People are weird. I was

People are weird, let them be Team BM. I was shocked when I saw on Facebook that my S.O.'s sister had his exwife and her husband up to her house for Thanksgiving. Over 20 years of not having anything to do with each other and then suddenly they're best friends. They're all weird. No, my S.O.'s family doesn't like me and that's fine. I don't have to have anything to do with them! Yay!!!

Yes, let them!

I agree: They can have BM. Have fun with that! I don't care if a bunch of bumpkins think I'm evil for having a brain. Hopefully eventually my husband will feel less slighted by this. They're his family, but they're not going to change, and they're not worth stressing over!

IMO, the issue isn't that

IMO, the issue isn't that your inlaws have a relationship with BM, it's how they treat you. My parents have always remained friendly and supportive of my ex, but not at the expense of their support for me and my DH. My ex is very terminallly ill. I recently started including his mother in family holiday dinners to help her maintain contact with my kids and to have "family" in her life when my ex passes. My DH is fine with it because, again, me exMIL is always respectful of my DH. Good people can do both.

Correct.

You're correct. They could be good to both BM and me and their stepson/half-brother/brother, but they've turned it into a competition in which BM wins first place and we're not valued at all. You're right: Good people can do both. I would be fine with my in-laws' close relationship with BM if they'd give me and my husband any or (preferably) equal credence. But if they don't want to like us for our education or politics or worldliness or because we didn't have any children together, there's nothing I can do about it. It's too bad for them 'cos we're really nice people. :/

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