The ex
How do you guys deal with your feelings towards the ex? I really struggle with the thought that the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with and have children with already did that with somebody else. He assures me that he's never felt what he feels for me with anyone else and that when he married her, he just did it because that's what he thought he was supposed to do at 30. But they had two children together and I just have a hard time believing him. I just really struggle with the thought that for every memory we make together, he'll already have been there with someone else. Getting engaged, getting married, finding out we're pregnant, having children. He's already been there and done that and for some reason in my head, that cheapens it. how do you guys deal with those feelings? Especially because in my situation the ex is such a HORRIBLE person- awful mom, awful person, alcoholic. It's bothers me so much that he married and procreated with anyone, let alone such a low life
I can understand your
I can understand your concerns. I can also tell you that I was with my ex for 18 years (14 married), had two children, a dog, and bought two homes together. I didn't love him like I love my DH. It's true that many people marry whoever they're with when they're in their 20s because that's what you're supposed to do. My DH was also previously married, and did all the things. And did them because his ex got pregnant when he was 21 and getting married was the "right" thing. My ex now has stage 4 cancer and my DH has come home more than once to find me in tears about it. I've often felt that if he hadn't also been married previously, he would feel threatened by my sorrow. But he isn't, because he understands that you can have love for someone you had those experiences with but it isn't the same love and there isn't a hint if regret about having left that person.
Try to live in the now. And remember that you SO chose you. If he loves you, he'll be just as excited as you are to do all the things. Because it isn't the things, it's the people you do the things with.
ETA: I just read your last two posts. It sounds like your SO loves you. It also sounds like he's completely overwhelmed and that he's still navigating his post-divorce relationship with his ex. I applaud him for the co-parent counseling (as difficult as that must be for you) and for trying to protect his kids. I for you. You're on a timeline for kids, naturally imposed on women by age, and he's in no position (imho) to take on more children. At least not now.
I really appreciate your post
I really appreciate your post. I think I'd be devastated if I saw him crying over his ex but maybe you're right. If I had that experience as well, then I'd maybe have a different opinion but since I don't, I just feel second best you know? Like a consolation prize. And it definitely isn't ideal for him to have the situation with his ex but he has told me, very adamantly the past few months, that we will have children and that's what he wants with me. That we will start next year and that he's excited for it. We're looking for houses now as well. I know that it isn't perfect, and I have so many reservations and thoughts and I really struggle with the whole situation but then when we're together, we really just love being with each other and we have the difficult conversations and always respect each other and speak to each other respectfully and with love and I just feel like I want to have that life with him. I just struggle sometimes
I would cry if my XH1 was
I would cry if my XH1 was battling cancer, but most of my grief would be on behalf of my children. They love their dad and he's not a bad man. I would help him, too, if it meant there was less of a burden on my kids. I don't hate the man, but I surely don't want to sleep with him or remarry him.
Having fond feelings for a past love is pretty normal. I don't have them for my XH2 - he was a monster. But I still have beautiful memories from the time when I didn't realize how monstrous he was.
I've been seeing a widower for the last few years and let me tell you it SUCKS to feel like a consolation prize when he has his late wife up on a pedestal. She probably deserves to be there. He's not a bad man, but I'm sure she was the better half.
However, most women with a healthy self esteem want to partner with someone who is "all in" for the new relationship and not fixated on a former lover. And I feel strongly it doesn't matter if the relationship ended by death or divorce. No one wants to feel their relationship is secondhand. Most people want to be #1 in the heart of the person they love.
That being said, fond feelings aren't the same as being in love with a past partner. So, I hope you'll take some comfort in knowing that it's possible to have fond feelings and never want to be with that person again.
Unless you get together with
Unless you get together with someone very young.. like in middle school.. they will have history with other people.
Yes.. he loved her.. cared for her.. had kids with her.. they had a connection at one time.. and yes.. he did those things with her first. He can try to claim he was just going along.. didn't care.. whatever.. almost always a white lie someone says to make you (and themselves) feel better about a bad decision.. haha.
There is absolutely ZERO you can do about that.. it is in the past. You will never bear his first child.. you won't be the first person he marries.. and if THIS is something very important to you? you need to find someone without the history.
I've read your past two posts.. and honestly.. my opinion is that this isn't the relationship for you.
First.. you are incredibly insecure in this relationships.. you have been for a very long time.. you are not getting over it.. it is still holding you back and bringing you hear to get reassurance.. reassurance we can't give you.. the issues you have are within yourself.. AND....with him.
Your first post was actually kind of telling as his behavior has kept you on edge.. you say his ex is moderately dramatic.. but nice enough (at least at the time of that post).. it's your SO's running hot and cold with you.. not having good boundaries for his kids (is co-sleeping still a thing?)
I think you are dating someone that is a bit unavailable to you emotionally.. he gives you enough to get you hooked back in when he feels you are wavering.. then you are left later questioning his true committment to you..
I mean.. I am positive my DH loved both his prior wives at one time.. but he doesn't now.. for good reason.. they both have their flaws.. their issues.. and he only had kids with the 2nd one.. I get along well with them.. they are adults.. We have been together over 20 years.. and I can say that while I know he loved them "at one time".. I also am 100% confident and sure that he loves ME now.. and no one else.. and I have zero insecurity about that.
The reason you are upset about the past is because you are insecure about the present.. there is something in the relationship that isn't giving you that place of peace and comfort you should be getting. Maybe your naturally more insecure and need more reassurance.. maybe dating a man with a past and living reminders of that relationship isn't for you.. maybe HE isn't the partner you need.. maybe he withholds his affection.. leaves you wondering.. and that's part of it too?
If you choose to stay.. you need to get counseling.. because.. if you can't "forgive" and accept the fact that he had a relationship before you.. it's not fair to contiually make it an issue to him.. he has moved on right? and if the issue is he HASN'T moved on.l.. then that is also reason to not be together.
I just don't see this issue improving.. it hasn't in over a year right?
I look at it like this:
I look at it like this:
I also have an ex, children who are now grown and have lived a full life that just didn't follow the path I'd hoped for. The Mr has an ex w/ whom he had a son now grown. He also lived a full life and I really hope it was a good one that just didn't go the way he'd hoped. I want him to have had good memories, happy times. I'd hate knowing he was miserable the whole time.
I think the difference is this, I'm not the same person I was when I first was married many moons ago. I'm older now, much wiser, more mature and the love I have now is a more mature love. Yes, he had a past, I did too. Yes he had a child, I had two. But who we are now is a totally different couple of people than who we were then so I look forward not back.
He may have had firsts you were not a part of but you have a lifetime of things to do now that will be firsts for you as a couple. Make them your own. Look forward not back, you cannot change his then any more than you can change yours so there's no sense torturing yourself. Be glad his past path somehow led him to this new one w/ you. Wouldn't you rather he had good memories instead of horrific ones? Love who he is now, be grateful for his past. Make your new memories good ones. Enjoy your 'firsts' as a couple. Instead of thinking "he did this first w/ his ex" start thinking instead "this moment is our first doing this as a couple" and savor it.
The way my husband explained it to me, is even though
He was married to the ex 16yrs and had 3 kids with her, he was miserable everyday of his life but too emotionally and psychologically bruised, abused and battered by the ex that when he finally initiated divorce and finally divorced her, he felt he wasted 16 yrs of his life.
he would have rather stayed a bachelor till his late 40s to marry me. What we have and our kids have with him is something his ex and kids from her will never have with my husband. My skids especially sd's know this but instead of making amends, bettering themselves, they'd rather guilt their dad for marrying and having kids with me and playing the victim.
my husband truly experienced a normal birthing experience with our kids being born. Each of the 3 births with exwife was her rocking upto hospital screaming at drs/nurses to cut her stomach up as she couldn't be bothered with pushing and labor. Every pregnancy was in secret and my husband not allowed to be present. None of that felt normal.
in the 16 yrs my husband was married to ex, he didn't trust buying anything in joint names so upon divorce she couldn't get half of everything. She came into marriage poor and left it pretty poor with just half the profit from sale of marital home. 4 yrs married to meand my husband bought a home in my name in my country for us to live in. Stepdaughters and biomum are fuming about that.
16 yrs if nothingness but in the now almost 9 yrs of marriage, we've built something together and have a relationship and family that they never will achieve. Thats success to me. Don't dwell on the past because i am sure your husband has a similar mindset as mine did
You feel insecure about the
You feel insecure about the ex because she is not "in her place." She continues to affect your relationship. Your SO goes to ex-couples' therapy with her. There is drama and she is a raging alcoholic.
The things they did with the first
That the ex got thing you will never get. Time alone, being able to just go to McDonals. Without getting babysitters,, where the babysitters cost more then the movie. The ex got money. That doesn't exist anymore..the ex got X,Y,Z. That doesn't exist.
I thought I could handle Septlife. I was wrong. There are so many pit falls. You never feel like you were first choice..You never feel that you get what the ex got. You actually know the ex got more. He used it up. What ever they say you know it's not the truth
When the ex dies from drinking too much. Who never paid CS. Get the old " you can't get money from a rock " excuse. My DW want me to pay to bury the ex. Because of the kids. Excuse. That told me where I stood. PTSD. Yes I have it
The thing is.. there is this
The thing is.. there is this song lyric. I got the boy.. she got the man... People can and are different at different stages in their life.. the young love may not be the same as the more mature love.. the person who was wild eyed and innocent doing things for the first time? different than someone that has had more experiences.. for better or worse.
Certainly there can be some downsides to being with someone that has kids.. up to and including the financial issues.. the just having more people in your relationship etc..
but you also may be with someone more mature.. more matched well suited to your needs.. you may be more compatible with them than they were with their ex.. when ahem.. there may have been fewer compatibilities but other things that drew them together.
there also is the reality that marrying someone with kids.. means that for some reason that relationship failed (excluding death situations here.. whole different level of issues). chances are both parties were part of the problem.. but there is also a chance that the person you were with was a major issue.. and that could be part of the reason why your new relationship has the ups and downs.. maybe their relationship failed because they aren't capable of being a good partner? or maybe it was "all the ex" (but usually there is shared reasons.. and I know my DH was not a perfect partner to his exes.. and that they were problems too)..
but if we are the kind of people that can't get past it? I mean.. it really is unfair to be constantly upset at our SO's over something they can't control.. you won't be the first.. they can't change that.. but even if you aren't the first.. they should make you feel like you are their only partner.. no one should feel like a consolation prize.. if you do.. that is a serious issue imho.
Mayne the ex got the boy and
Mayne the ex got the boy and OP got the "older and with more baggage boy." Meaning he never grew up, just kept making mistakes?
That's truly possible.. the
That's truly possible.. the changes people go through do not necessarily improve them all the time..lol. or make them better relationship material.. even bringing a lot of trauma from prior relationships forward without truly processing them can mean we are different than we started out.. but not necessarily easier to be in a relationship with.
I would say that someone who has dated multiple people who cheated.. and had a father that cheated.. has some underlying reason they end up with the same kind of men.. maybe like dear old dad? in some weird way??? It also likely is feeding a lot of her insecurities.. and feels like she hasn't been able to get past that part.
Okay huge red flag for him to
Okay huge red flag for him to completely dismiss his relationship with his ex and tell you that. Honestly he’s a liar, he felt something for her, enough that he wanted to share DNA with her and procreate and raise those procreations together.
The fact that he’s minimizing what they had and the results of it are scary for you. Think about it, he’s acting like she was just something he did as an obligation, what will he say about you if things go south to his next victim? That you were just a person to help raise his procreations of his first failed marriage?
Sounds like he needs to be alone and learn how to be a single father before he jumps in to another relationship to help sooth his bruised ego.
I don't know, this has just
I don't know, this has just never bothered me.
I dislike my husband's exes (yes, 2 ex wives and a child with each) because of the people that they are (or what they did to him), not because he was married to them or had kids with them.
I am a different person than they are and my relationship with my DH is very different than the relationships that he had with them. There is no comparison.
The fact that your SO had kids with someone else really means nothing, it happens everyday. What matters is not that he did these things with somebody else first, it's what these things mean within your relationship with him when the two of you do them for the first time together.
We have all had firsts with someone else, it doesn't mean those firsts with our current partner mean less.
Reading your other posts, I'm not sure that this is the guy for you.
If being the first with him was critical for you, why are you
with him?
Your choice. Do not punish him for your choice.
If he truly is your... the one.... then get out of your own way and engage in the life long firsts that the two of you will have together.
He had none of those firsts with his X as they are firsts for the two of you.
You are his now and his future. All his X has... is his past.
While I have not procreated with anyone, I have had a notable number of intimate partners in my life though only one since meeting my incredible bride. She had SS-31 when whe met. SS was 15mos old then
We married a week before he turned 2yo.
I would not change a thing. My experiences prior to meeting my incredible bride, and her experiences before meeting me are in large part what made us both the right person for the other to live an equity life partnership with. To live a life of adventure with, to make a love for the ages with. Do not let the past ruin your life and your future.
The same... is the case for you and your SO. Do not cheapen what you have over something you nave zero ability to change.
Keep it simple.
Know this. If you do not get out of your own head on this, you are going to ruin this for yourself, your SO, and any children that you have. That, is not fair to your SO or your future children. You will be experiencing the results of your own choices on this. That SO and kids will be your victims, is tragic. If you do not get your head out of your own butt.
IMHO of course.
Take care of you.
So true, the ex and your spouse could have experienced firsts in
Life but you can create your own firsts, your own first traditions. Giving too much brain space to the ex is wasted space. Live your life with your significant other because that is whats most important