College...
It has been some time, Steptalkers!
Just want to reassure you all that narcissists gotta narc. After a few years of "peace", including a couple where *I* was the one that SSstwinsAandB18 and DH called upon to appeal to her ahem rational side and even talk her off a ledge a couple times. We were Facebook friends...
....and then the college process began.
Her complete hijack and rewrite of their application essays (about adversity) should have been a red flag. Her version focused on her and DH's relationship breakdown and their divorce. They had to completely rewrite and overhaul. Fast forward.
They were excited about the schools they were accepted to and Twin B was discussing moving in (which is happening tomorrow). He told her that he wanted her, DH, DS11 and me to move him in. Her quote was "MJL has no right to be there. She has her own kids."
I get it. DS19 left for school last year.It's hard to say goodbye. Her reaction took me by surprise, since we had been in what I thought was a "good place" (not that there's ever a stable place with a narcissist, but I thought maybe older age and sense had turned her into someone who was not insane).
Then a few weeks ago, she sent us a detailed list of shit she had bought them for school. She hadn't consulted DH at all. She bought all kinds of crazy dress clothes and stuff they will not use and don't have the space to store. DH told her we would pay her $_________ . She flew into a rage and said she was taking it all back.
We bought everything they'd need, just to be safe.
Long story short- in the past three weeks she has FTFO so many times- she has kicked them out, let them back in, said she didn't want to be there at the same time as DH, now she does, she is NOT taking any of the crap she bought back, WE can take our things back, she doesn't care what she said and was keeping everything. I guess she started tearing packaging off things and put them in washer to mark her territory when SStwinB18 told her he wanted to bring half our stuff and half hers. LOL. Today I finished the last of the returns. Nice to see her finally paying for something!
She is freaking out over their power of attorney, which DH has had in place since they turned 18, and which she just discovered she was not part of, last week. She hasn't paid for their medical insurance or any copays or medications for about ten years. She also had nothing to do with the FAFSA or loan process. She has been in foreclosure and has declared bankruptcy. SSs selected DH and me to be their POA. They don't trust her. We don't trust her. So right now she is forcing them to sign, which is funny because the notary will not be able to notarize until they are present together....
Anyway. This stuff never ends. Major life events amp the crazy right up to epic proportions when the person in question has a personality disorder.
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1) BM wrote the twins'
1) BM wrote the twins' college essays?
2) POA? Are the twins disabled, or is it like a living will, where if they are incapacitated then you and DH make the decisions? When my son turned 18, we didn't do a POA, he's just, like, legally an adult.
3) I hope for the skids' sake that their college is at least am hour from their crazy BM's house!
Rumple, she hijacked them.
Rumple, she hijacked them. Twins had written their essays and she completely erased and rewrote them to reflect dramatic details of their divorce.
POA for HIPAA, financial and living will is the latest gimmick at colleges. There is a company called Mama Bear that packages the legal documents, you sign and get notarized, then you can make decisions if the unthinkable happens. Because she is a HCBM, and because she pays for nothing, and because we knew it would be an absolute nightmare if one of them needed something, we joined in on the crazy. I'm quite certain that my parents never had POA on me when I turned 18 either!
Yes, one is about 2 hours away, but she does intend to stay as late as she can tomorrow, watching his soccer tryout. I wonder if she'll try to attend his team dinner? OMG she's nuts. The other is an hour and twenty minutes.
She's talking about moving back to UK (where she is from). It would be so nice if she would just leave.. I'm sure she's just threatening that to be dramatic.
Good Lord, what a crazy HCBM!
Good Lord, what a crazy HCBM!
You talked her off the ledge... You shoulda pushed her.
Lost opportunity and a learning moment.
We never mitigated for the SpermClan. We tossed fuel on their fires then tsskd tsskd about how sad their poor choices are.
The toxic opposition is a great teaching tool and provides endless learning moments for the quality side of the equation to use to highlight what not to do for the Skids.
As for writing the essays, I would report that to the university admissions office requesting that they have the Skids re-submit their own work and bare BM's ass with tne Universities.
Answering questions directly asked by a kid, proof reading a paper, etc.... fine. Doing the work for the kid... nope. That is academic dishonesty and should be reported.
I wrote every major paper that my XW turned in her last 3yrs of of Undergrad. The lowest grade I got on her assigned papers was a B and that was only on one. All of the others were A papers. Yes, it was a learning event for me. When she moved out of the home we had just purchased 3mos before to shack up with her geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy who she was knocked up by at the time, she left all of her University records, papers, etc....
When our divorce was progressing, initially we agreed to an uncontested single attorney divorce, she decided to flip the script and attempted to back out of the settlement she offered and I agreed to. She engaged her mother's business attorney to represent her in our divorce. I was asked to attend a discussion at the law firm's offices. I showed up without counsel with one manila envelope. Her attorney advised me to engage an attorney, otherwise it would not go well for me. They then proceeded to disect our settlement agreement. I informed her attorney that it was her settlement agreement that I had accepted and it would not be changed except in court. And if they chose to go that route that everything would go on the table and the Judge would make the asset allocations based on every sordid detail of the marriage and that there would be zero assets not up for grabs. Her original proposed and accepted settlement was .... I got everything except she would be reimbersed for a CD she cashed to contribute to the down payment on the house. I aggreed, we both signed her hand written settlement agreement, I closed all of our accounts and gave her a Cashiers Check for the downpayment money she contributed. End of discussion... until she let her 100% divorced NICU night shift coworkers and her mother convince her that I was pressuring her.
As her attorney was blathering I slid the envelope to the middle of the conference table and informed her and him that either we returned to the original agreement or everything would go in front of the Judge. In the envelope was all notorized copies of her original agreement, in her hand writing, the gift card gifting several 5 $figures of her remaining college fund money to she and I (she graduated with her BSN 4mos before she left), and ...... every paper she turned in for 3+ years with the rough drafts in my handwriging and graded final papers. I told them that if she got nasty the papers would go to the Unversity.
Her attorney was an Adjunct professor at the University law school. He looked at the notarized copies of everything, then informed her that he could no longer represent her as it put him in a conflict of interest position regarding his Adjuct Law Professor role at the Unversity her BSN was from. She lost her F'n mind.
When my XW was on the ledge, I pushed, any time she got nasty.
In the end, she got only the money I reimbursed her as origninally agreed, and since she returned to the original agreement, I did not go after half of the college fund money her parents gave us. But.... because she got bitchy with the Judge, the order awarded "all other assets as possessed". She had moved out of the house... so as it turned out.... the house was mine.
Which made for some fun 3 years later when she decided she wanted it.
*diablo*
Another story for another time. With very similar outcome.
I would not give any solace to toxic opposition. They don't earn it, they should not receive it.
Wow!
Rags, that's brilliant- thank you for sharing your story. I am glad that you had the foresight and confidence to do exactly what you did. I'm also glad that she got exactly what she deserved! Well done. I have seen so many intimidating divorces, in which one thought they had the upper hand and wasn't shy about being aggressive toward the other.
I wish that sharing BM's essay with the universities was something I could do but alas, we insisted that they rewrite them after she hijacked their original work. I wonder if they would have even gotten accepted, had they submitted her truly unhinged ramblings.
Thank you. However, it was not brilliance on my part as much as
as lack of character and patience on her part.
She made it fairly easy to cram her in a tight box during the divorce. It was either take advantage of that, or..... cost myself dearly.
I am glad you had the Skids rewrite their essays.
Wow! She not only wrote the
Wow! She not only wrote the essays, but managed to write them about herself....this women is narc 2.0. BM in my case is too lazy to write a college essay....then again, so are SSs.