Update
So after all talking with you and with DH sisters, i told him we need to talk and he sais ok. His sister also talked to him a few days ago, so he knew what was this about. SD is coming to our town today again. So we talked, i told him you dont have to be angry or shout, we will talk like human! He said ok, and honestly he was very calm, and he listened to me. So i told him that i'm sorry but i cant do it like this anymore, i cant have SD in our home 7/24 every day. I had this enough for a few years and she is a big girl now, she has a mom too and we have to find a solution. I said i need time just with you, i need time just for myself at home, i need peace. He said ok you have this right and no one can force you to have SD when you dont want. I said here you go, so there are some solutions i thought, like you send her to etudes and programs after school, until her mom is back and she can stay with us in weekends. Or her mom should change her day off to sunday so i can enjoy my day off just with you, or she should come back home earlier than 23:00 or you should get a baby sitter. (i didnt tell him that you have to work) He said you know what is the solution, i will go to work so you all get in peace. I said Ok that sounds good, he was a bit shocked, i dont know why but maybe he didnt expect me to say Ok perfect. And then i said when you work SD will stay home alone or you will get a sitter, he said you know their home is not suitable she cant stay alone more thanb 3 4 hours, and you know its very hard to find a secure sitter. I said oh hold on that is not my probelm. BM will move her a** from sitting in a shop all day (i know she works but she sitts all day smoking with her phone in her hands) so she can serach for a baby sitter. But girls, DH said he will work, but he wont, i promise you he wont. this morning when i cam eout from home to come to work, i told him did you dişscuss this new changes with BM? he said no, i said why not? you better talk to her, as i am really serious that we are not available for sd every day and home is not available too.
I dont know what will happen, but that was the first time he listened to me, he didnt hate me, and after discussion he kissed me. So he knows im serious. SD will come this evening... I'm stressed even now at work. she can stay maybe 2 nights but then i will say come on she has to go to her mom. then the problem will start again as i know they wont do any damn thing until then.
what do you think?
And again thanks for all your help.
Comments
I'm a cynic
I think he realised that he went too far and that the gravy train could well stop unless he pulls his socks up. Therefore, I think he told what you wanted to hear, behaved reasonably in order to mollify you, to shut you up and keep you around and paying the bills.Remember that if he does get a job he has to KEEP it.
I sincerely hope I'm wrong.
On the positive side, bravo for how you handled that! You just took one huge step in the right direction! Keep up the good work!
PS - none of my business but ... BM might not be so broke if she gave up smoking, it's an incredibly expensive habit ( ex-smoker here).
I have a feeling that DH said
I have a feeling that DH said what i wanted to hear. But if he doesnt look for a job in a few days and if SD stays with us everyday from tonight then i will for example next week text him or call him to say i will not be available at home on thursday- friday and saturday, my friends will be at home, so no place for SD. then i'll see what the hell is he going to do.
Yes BM smokes and a lot. And i never smokes. Of course she has money to pay for smoke, and money for SD to even buy her Tshirt, i usually buy her stuff to wear, as the clothes dont fit her anymore.
Honestly these people should not be allowed to have kids, belive me some humans should not have kids, it should be forbidden for them.
"Honestly these people should
"Honestly these people should not be allowed to have kids, belive me some humans should not have kids, it should be forbidden for them."
I LOL'ed. The root of so many of our problems on this site!
Kidding.
Mostly.
Absolutely.. there are so
Absolutely.. there are so many people that have zero business as parents.. this guy and his EX seem to be on that list..haha.
You made notes of the agreement
Let's se if DH lives up agreement. You have a DH problem,, Not a SD problem..She does what DH let's her do. You must get and keep control of your home
I'm glad he listened.. but he
I'm glad he listened.. but he has to follow through right?
The best and most correct solution is that he go to work and pay his EX child support so that she can work fewer hours.. and take care of her own child.. a reasonable visitation schedule should be worked out.... maybe every other weekend.. then longer visits during school breaks but he would have to PAY BM so she could afford to keep her child more and pay for child care for the girl.
Will he do that? you seem to think he won't..
The problem is that you have zero right to tell his EX how to live her life.. none. you cannot tell her to change work days.. to work less.. to get a babysitter.. none of it is your right to say to her.. and your DH has no right since he is not paying anything.
So.. the only solution involves him going to work to support his child.. by paying BM so she doesn't have to work as hard
whether she smokes or not.. is completelly irrelevant here.. clearly you feel you are a better person than her.. maybe you are.. maybe you are not... maybe you would be a better mother? maybe you would be a poor mother especially if you had a loser EX that didn't work and didn't pay for his share of the child's expenses.
I would be on him about the job.. it is THE solution.. and even if there was no kid involved.. you should NOT be supporting him fully.. he should also contribute to your living costs..
I can't think much of a man who won't support himself or his child.. not much of a man.
To be honest, I'm the one who
To be honest, I'm the one who made the snarky comment about smoking...
Yes.. I see that... but OP
Yes.. I see that... but OP does really put BM down.. when it sounds that for the most part.. the lady is trying to work 7 days a week to support herself.. and smokes probably isn't the breaking point in her budget.. it's an ex husband.. father of her child that isn't supporting their child financially.
cause.. typically .. if you want someone to have majority custody of your joint child.. you have to pay support to them.. which it seems.. he does not.
If you want the truth, i don
If you want the truth, i don't think he will do that. He won't work.
Beware
The 180 backslide!
So what are your internal
So what are your internal timelines for him? 30 days to secure a job?
His excuse of owning his own business means that it's too hard to work for someone else is total bullshit. You do realize that, right? His "do what I want" attitude is probably why he wasn't successful in the first place.
What will you do if he doesn't follow through? Will you change your mind and tell him that he does have to get a job?
The schools here in Turket
The schools here in Turket will start in 3 weeks. I don't even want to wait until then. I just asked him this morning did you look for a job?
How long are you going to
How long are you going to give him to find a job and what will you do if he either doesn't look or finds one but gives up after a couple of weeks?
It helps to be prepared.
I know Winter, im so tired,
I know Winter, im so tired, confused and alone. But he will not work, im quite sure about that... thats very sad to say though.
Next week i'll stay full time
Next week i'll stay full time until night at work on monday and tuesday, and on wednesday i will tell him i dont want any child at home as i need rest, so he sees that im serious, and i'll see what he will do with his kid when our home isnt available.
I think he sensed your
I think he sensed your irritation/upset and told you exactly what you wanted to hear. It will keep you appeased for a time.
What will you do when he doesn't get a job? Or works for 2 weeks, then quits for whatever crappy excuse he gives you?
Your opinion of BM, job, and her smoking have no bearing on this. BOTH of SD's parents have failed her. Regardless of what BM's job is, at least she works! As for smoking, many people have unhealthy/undesirable habits. BM's has no effect on you. Frankly, I find your SO's refusal to work a thousand times more annoying.
Get ready to shift to the "show me don't tell me" strategy.
As his past behavior is to not work, to dump his kid on you, and cater to his XW, that is his likely future performance. It is a good thing that you had the sit down with him and he conversed in a mature maner.
Now it is time to start vectoring him to take action. Words are easy. The proof, is in his actions.
Be wary and take care of you.