Check with your local laws. It might be okay for an 11 year old to be home alone for a few hours.

That is pretty late for an 11 yr old. Staying home after a standard bedtime for an 11 yr old would be a no go for me personally but it would really go back to what's legal where you are. 

Not all 11 year olds will be mature enough to be left home alone.. especially after dark.  It is one thing for a kid to be home for an  hour or so.. but in this case.. it would be around 6 hours.. she would need to be independent enough to prepare her own food.. deal with potential safety issues.. what would happen if she had an emergency.. a fire? an injury?  What about the likelihood of her being a target for someone taking advantage of her or abusing her?  Honestly.. for 6 hours.. I think it's likely that it will be a few more years before I would be ok with that as a parent.  Even when she is older.. would she be trusted to follow rules etc?  I mean.. what would be worse.. an unsupervised teen getting pregnant?

What strikes me here is that you have a husband that doesn't work.. so quite obviously.. the child caring should land 100% on him when she isn't with mom.. what else is he doing with his time.

You should feel free to make your own plans after work.. go to the gym.. meet friends.. take art classes.. whatever YOU want.. it is not YOUR job to watch her.

If she is being allowed to be too loud or disruptive.. that is a problem you need to insist your DH fix.. she is old enough to learn to behave in a respectful way around other people.

He could also push back at her mom to provide her alternate after school care.. maybe that is something you could suggest to him? though if he isn't working... where would the funding come from?

So mom works till 11 pm and dad doesn't work at all? And he keeps the kid nearly every day? Is mom paying child support? I wouldn't want to be you in this situation, slogging away at a 9 to 5, paying all the bills, to be catering to whatever those 3 need. 

I'm confused about DH's role in this. Is he not available during those evening hours? Is it that you don't want to be the one responsible for SD every night? Or is it that you don't want her to be at your home at all? I don't live in the states, so the rules might be different, but in Canada professionals who work with children have a mandatory duty to report suspicion of child abuse/neglect and leaving at 11 year old on her own for 6 hours every evening would be an immediate call.

Legalities aside (and I apologize because I don't know your situation and what you're dealing with) it would be cruel to leave her on her own every night. Humans need other people and she would be so isolated.

It sounds like your situation is very distressing for you.  BUT.. you are in a relationship with a man with a child.. The reality is that she could be a full time resident of your home if her mother died or became unable to parent her for some reason (illness.. etc).

It does she go to her mom's at 2300? or does she stay the night with you when her mom works.. does she go to mom's house when mom is not working on weekends (or whatever her days off are).

You may want mom to get a different job.. but it feels like the fact that she is working.. and wouldn't be able to afford working for less.. that is not an option.

Your partner doesn't work.. so he is the logical parent.. it's your choice to stay there and either make the best of it.. or you may have to decide if this relationship is worth it.

Certainly.. in a few years.. his daughter should become able to be more independent.. but right now.. it seems she is not.. so since you can't MAKE BM work different hours.. you are left with some choices about how your own home runs.

Maybe that means helping your DH find after school activities so she isn't underfoot as much.. or maybe insisting he pay for a sitter so you can go enjoy an evening out.  I am hoping/assuming he is bringing in some money.. maybe disability or something..

In the end.. you may have to leave the relationship if you can't stand being around her.

This SD isn't going away.  If you can't stand her,  what is ok you did not give birth to her...Then you must leave.. live alone with out SO..   It's not going to get any better..

Do your husband and BM have a custody order? Why does your husband not work and help support his daughter? If he paid CS could the BM afford childcare or a different job?

I am getting the feeling you are a young, childless woman.  Why did you choose to be with a man who doesn't work and has a child?

I hate to point it out like that.. but it's your choice to be with someone that isn't compatible with your life goals.  He is not working? so you pay for everything.. no maam.. you are choosing to allow that.. and he has a responsibility to his child.. again.. you are with a man with a child.. he will have childcare and she will be in your home.. maybe more than 2 days a week.. that's the reality.. you can do what you want.. you can leave.. or stay.. if you stay.. you need to figure out how to manage the stress.

If he is allowing her to behave in ways that disturb the home.. that is a problem you have with him.. and his parenting.. again.. don't choose to be with someone with children.. if you don't want children around.

I've just read over your past posts and your lease must be up around now. Grab this chance to leave him and his daughter in your rear view mirror. Are you married now? If not, it's time you took your life back 

I will say this as nicely as possible - you are unhappy because you married a loser. A loser who puts his own needs to frick off all day and play with his daughter all evening first, leaving you to work, pay the bills, and (just guessing) still cook and clean. While allowing the BM to live her best life without having to raise/pay for a kid. He's using you. He will never be who you want him to be. Always just a burden who will give you occasional flashes of the man he *could* be but never will be. Don't waste another day of your life on this family who uses you. Every day you waste on them could be a day either just enjoying life without all these burdens or finding a man to start your own family with. 

To answer your question in the OP, yes an 11 year old can be home alone after school. But not until 11pm. That's a long stretch of time, well after what *should* be bedtime, and of course after dark. It's just not safe for that to be a regular/daily routine. If it happened very occasionally, sure. But to plan for that to be a daily thing would be neglectful.

If mom's home is only few minutes away, then dad can go there and stay until BM gets back from work. If he doesn't like it - he can move out. My understanding is that he doesn't pay for anything, right? To me your SD is the least problem. You have a freeloader for a partner.

If the child is staying with you and her father most of the time then BM should be paying child support.  Your husband needs to get up off his lazy behind and get a job because YOU should not have to support a child that is not yours.  She is your husband and BM's responsibility.  It's time you ditch the deadweight that is your husband and find you a man without kids who will want to build a life and family with you.  What is so appealing about this guy?  

To answer your question, no, an 11 year old should not be home alone that late at night.  I didn't even let my kids stay home alone for longer than it took for me to go to the gas station that's a block away from us. My younger child is 13 and I do let him stay home alone some but I wouldn't want to leave him alone at 11 pm.  I might let my daughter, who is 17, but I wouldn't like that either.  If they were home together though, I might be ok with that.  Not overnight, but just for a while. 

I remember being my daughter's age and younger, and my mom had a job that required her to be out quite late, after midnight.  My brother worked overnight, and my sister had moved out I think.  It was unnerving being home alone late at night like that.  Mom didn't like it either but had no choice with her job.   Luckily my dad lived within walking distance and I frequently went to stay with him.  My parents were on good terms, Mom was never high conflict, they stayed out of each other's business, so them living close by was never a problem.  Mom was very glad to find a note saying I was with Dad when she'd come home.  She'd look for my car over at Dad's when I started driving.  So if I felt that way at 16 or 17, just imagine how your SD would feel at 11.  Your husband is the problem here.  He obviously is not ready for an actual relationship.  Lose the deadweight.  

This is the responsibility of the BioParnts.  No need to get another job.  Go to the Gym, join a league, do yoga, go to evening classes.

If BM is the CP this on her when Skid is in her home. Her work hours are irrelevant.  If DH pays CS, he is payi g BM to provide child care on her time.

When SD is in your home 2 days a week, SpermDaddy needs to step up and watch his kid.

Why doesn't your DH work and provide for his marriage?

Why do you tolerate..... HIM?

I myself, as someone who is not US born, am assuming wherever the op lives their system is just different. 
Our US court system is pretty sharp about "who and what", not so much in other countries. Child support isn't really a thing in many countries or the amount is just a joke. In most cases there aren't any consequences for not paying the CS.
That said I don't really think she asked if it was legal to leave 11 year old alone (I'm positive it's legal and ok in many countries), but rather why her husband and BM won't just do it. 
This childless young girl is asking all the wrong questions. She needs to show this deadbeat the door.

PB, it's been over a year and you're still miserable. Did you renew your lease or is it almost up? You're not married to this poor excuse for a man and he is still emotionally married to BM. Kick him out and take your life back!

What I don't understand is why he isn't even looking for a job. If he was working, that could change a LOT of things.

Dammit, PB, he's more concerned with making life easy for his ex than being grateful towards you because you are single-handedly making his lifestyle possible. He is a short-sighted, profiteering, useless, selfish boor! You're giving him everything on a platter and he is treating you like dirt.

My head is spinning reading all of this. We're talking about an 11 year old. She's not going anywhere, nor should she. At this point in her life, she should be her father's number one priority. I know that's not what you want and I even get that that's not tolerable for you. Believe me. I'd like to extract my SKs from my life, but they are 30 and 32. But you need to remove yourself from this situation. I don't know what it's like in other places , but in my nexk of the woods, kids are either in school or staying in their parents homes into their mid20s. It's just not realiztic for them to strike out on their own earlier. If mentioned that if something happened to the BM, you would still date SO but not live with him. Do that now. Or move on all together. You are never going to get what you want in this situation. And if you did, it would be at the expense of an 11 year child. I don't care how bad her manners are or how messy she is. She's a child. You can be first in your SO's life ot you can be with an SO who has an 11 year old. But you can't have both. 

I think you need a major attitude reset. You don't realize that you hold ALL the cards and that therefore you can call ALL the shots. I also think that both your SO and his ex need reminded of that.

Here goes - in your past posts, you said you weren't married, hopefully that hasn't changed because it means that you can walk away from this situation whenever you like (even if it's only for long enough to scare your SO shitless). If you left, who would pay their bills? He'd lose his mealticket and he would HAVE to work and find a real child-minding solution. Tell him that he can find another solution (if he works full time, he WILL have money to spend on childcare) or you are out of there. He can either step up to the plate or lose all his home comforts.

As for BM ... if she needs to work 7/7 and is barely managing to pay her rent ... well, there are solutions. She could move to a more affordable area of the town or get a flatmate, for instance.  Not your problem if she's only scraping by. Remind your SO of that. Not your problem - let that be your favourite phrase from now on. It doesn't matter how he or his ex solves their issues, it is not your problem.

As for who would pay for the childcare - let me remind you that this is not your problem, especially not if you decide to walk away. Stop letting them heap their problems upon your shoulders. As a matter of curiosity, is your SO older than you?

You can call all the shots but you have to decide to do it (not easy when you're not used to being aggressively affirmative) so go for it, girl!

Is your SD developmentally delayed in any way? I can't wrap my head around her not being able to wipe herself after the toilet at age ELEVEN! Why doesn't your SO teach her how to do it rather than doing it for her? How is he going to manage when her period starts? As you imply that she is overweight and as that has an effect on hormones, her period could well start quite soon. Oh boy, that WILL be fun.

You say she's messy - does that mean she doesn't pick up after herself? If so, remind her to pick things up when she's done using them, and to put her clothes away tidily/in the hamper. I know you don't want to be responsible for parenting her but this would at least make your home less messy - it it worth it? If your SO yells at you, simply tell him that tidying up after oneself is what decent, well brought up people do, i.e. it's the done thing.

To summarize...

• Your SO doesn't work
• He's still emotionally married to BM
• He doesn't parent his child
• He's spoken of how he'd foist his child on other family members - including yours - if he could 
• His own sisters are done with him (and it sounds like they gave him money in the past).

I don't know what lines he used to reel you in, but nothing you write about him shows him in a good light. He's lazy, insensitive, irresponsible, and contemptible. Even if he had supermodel looks, those qualities make him extremely unattractive. 

I say this with true concern: do you suffer from low self-esteem? You listed all of your accomplishments above, but are settling for this crappy relationship. No love is worth this steaming pile.

Your situation sounds horrible for eveyrone involved, except maybe DH. This is what happens when high-achieving childless people become step-parents. It sounds like SD can be a pain, but you haven't described anything that out of the ordinary. The kid needs some moist wipes by the toilet vs the humiliation of taking dirty underwear home in a bag. Your contempt for this child is palpable. You should remove yourself from this situation for you sake and for hers. 

OP, what happened to your SO's business? When did it go under? Or did he sell out? If so, why?